dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 All, another newbie here looking for support. This is a really lonely time for me. About to end up the a$$ hole and really scared, but I know I am still a person too. I plan to divorce my wife of just over 10 yrs. We have three children. Theres no abuse in the relationship. Its just that I'm not there anymore and i havent been for a while. I am currently in the military also. We have hit rough patches before where the big D word comes up and I have always seriously contemplated it but after a recent argument it set in in my mind. I dont think she sees this coming and i want to make it as easy for her as possible. I love my children and consider them the most important thing in this situation. And she is my best friend but I am not in love with her. I talked this over with a friend who started advising me of the financial implications (one of my normal major concerns) and it made me realize that no matter how much i stand to lose money wise that i still wanted to leave. So I have been googling all these topics to make sure i go about this process as right as i can if thats at all possible. I looked at the best way to break it to her. I looked at what I will be going through. I even looked at the emotional phases that she will be going through once i tell her. Does that seem fair or right? Maybe it wont matter to her. I think most of its preparation so I am not blindsided by anything. I know that doing this in person is the best way so I am waiting for the weekend when she returns from her parents house. And in the meantime will be talking to an attorney and all those steps. Has anyone been here? Its just scary to even think about saying it but i truly feel that to stay is worse? Any comments or opinions are welcome.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Active duty? Reserve? National Guard? Officer? Enlisted? In-country? Just back from 'in-country'? Army? Navy? Marines? Air Force? State of marriage? State of divorce? Age? Need more info?
lupa Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Being on the other side of this, I want to tell you that love is a verb, not a noun...you need to work at it. Don't just drop divorce on her head when she gets back from a freaking trip! Talk to her, find a counselor, and give things a second chance. Once THAT doesn't work, then you can get out. Just not being there isn't an excuse...and divorce in a case where there isn't physical harm or drugs or whatever is just running. My two cents. You made a commitment -- give it one more shot, let her know what is going on, try to work it out, and then if it doesn't you've done everything you can. Sorry, man, you get no love from me until you say you tried EVERYTHING to make it right.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Being on the other side of this, I want to tell you that love is a verb, not a noun...you need to work at it. Don't just drop divorce on her head when she gets back from a freaking trip! Talk to her, find a counselor, and give things a second chance. Once THAT doesn't work, then you can get out. Just not being there isn't an excuse...and divorce in a case where there isn't physical harm or drugs or whatever is just running. My two cents. You made a commitment -- give it one more shot, let her know what is going on, try to work it out, and then if it doesn't you've done everything you can. Sorry, man, you get no love from me until you say you tried EVERYTHING to make it right. Sorry Bro (lupa) but until we get the full story? We're going to have to hold back? This guy is military! Which doesn't make him special! But we don't know if he just didn't get back of his third extended combat tour from Iraq or Afghanistan? (With the Army they're extending enlistments past four years! That is you sign on for eight years, but only do four years active? They extend your contract? Your on active for up to eight years!) They're extending deployments! Vietnam vets only went to Vietnam ONCE for thirteen months! They're sending them back after eight months! On their second, third and even fourth tours of duty! The DOD (Department of Defense) are making them swearing to "Confidentiality Oaths" in which the swear they will not tell what they've saw, did, nor said until they are at least 99 years old!
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Ok yall I appreciate the concern and realize the harshness based on not having all the details. Its hard to convey the message through a post, but bare with me. I am Navy and am at 13 yrs. Enlisted E-6. And yes done a couple tours to the box. Plus several other missions. Do they contribute to this desire to leave and change? NO, not one bit. She and i worked through those just fine and i salute everyone else who has done the same. As for not trying, we have been to several counselings on mulitple occasions for varying lengths of time. And i did try, and it worked for a little bit. I know it takes aconcious effort to make it work and that its not gonna be easy. Thats not what i am looking for is the easy way out. I just want enough of a picture there for yall to understand this isnt a conclusion i came to in one night and now I am doing something right by at least researching and gettting other peoples takes on the situation. And as for dropping something on her when she comes back from a trip. Is there actaully a good time to do this? In the middle of another argument perhaps? Or no better yet while the kids are around and happy as clams? I dont think so. I think the sooner the better so I can stop unknowingly lying about my feelings and hurting her. Really if theres a better idea then let me know.
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I agree with Lupa on this, you need to have done everything you can to save your marriage. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your children. Take a look at the first chapter of "Divorce Busting", google it, click forums it's avaialbe free on her website. This MC explains why it is not only possible to rekindle love but also how easily that can be done if you have the RIGHT therapist. If you try MC once more and it doesn't work out then at least this way it will not be a shock to your wife and she will have the peace of mind knowing you tried, something my ex did not afford me, telling me why he left AFTER he walked and even then changing his reasons over and over. I can tell you from my own experience, what hurt me the most and really messed with my head is that he didn't afford me the respect of trying to work it out first, just dropped it on me like a bomb. When you have that mush history and shared memories and a shared life with someone that's just not right. So, try MC once more, if nothing else it is a gentler way of breaking it to her, than just dropping it?
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Ok yall I appreciate the concern and realize the harshness based on not having all the details. Its hard to convey the message through a post, but bare with me. I am Navy and am at 13 yrs. Enlisted E-6. And yes done a couple tours to the box. Plus several other missions. Do they contribute to this desire to leave and change? NO, not one bit. She and i worked through those just fine and i salute everyone else who has done the same. As for not trying, we have been to several counselings on mulitple occasions for varying lengths of time. And i did try, and it worked for a little bit. I know it takes aconcious effort to make it work and that its not gonna be easy. Thats not what i am looking for is the easy way out. I just want enough of a picture there for yall to understand this isnt a conclusion i came to in one night and now I am doing something right by at least researching and gettting other peoples takes on the situation. And as for dropping something on her when she comes back from a trip. Is there actaully a good time to do this? In the middle of another argument perhaps? Or no better yet while the kids are around and happy as clams? I dont think so. I think the sooner the better so I can stop unknowingly lying about my feelings and hurting her. Really if theres a better idea then let me know. I'm not looking to offend, so please don't take it that way, but it sounds to me that you already have it all planned out and set in stone. It is obviously your decision to make, but why are you here? What are you looking for? No input on the situation, or why you feel this is best. Does she hit you, drink, eat peoples faces at night? This forum is more about helping people going through or contemplating a divorce, not coaching to walk away. Sorry if that is too harsh, having a bad day! TOJAZ
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I understand what Lisa is saying, and yall are probably right about having it all planned out. Not sure what i was looking for but something. I guess this is the part where your on your own. But thanks anyway.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I'm curious...and I apologize if I'm wrong for asking this, but... Is the friend who gave you this advice a man, or woman? Are you involved with someone else, or is this really something that has been building for a long time, and there's no 'outside influences' that are causing additional stress in this situation? Again, I mean no offense...but these are often relative questions to someone who comes and posts the type of situation you describe. It's not at all uncommon to find out that the reason that they're no longer in love with their spouse is because they've already "moved on".
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Owl, Thanks for the concern. I would say its been building for about four years. The friend i asked for advice was someone I trust and we have had each others lives in our hands before. He went through the same situation. Married for 12 with two kids and his wife was his best friend but he met someone else. Yet he still had not "been there" emotionally for a long time. He said to do whats right for you, and if your not happy you cant make anyone around you happy. Its true. Since your the one asking then i will tell, did i meet someone else, yes. But was i seriously contemplating this before that, yep. And do i understand the implications if that person dissappears after a month or two or when all these other strong feelings dissipate. I am prepared for that. I know if i stay i will keep unkowingly hurting her. I think maybe it seems selfish and in a way it is but isnt it better for her if i do go instead of keep lying. I am not accounting for what will happen with this other person in any of the decisions i make. I am trying to make this decision about me and my life. I keep asking myself if she wasnt around how long would i have waited to do this and i really dont know. But it would happen eventually. I just think better now or things might spiral out of control. I saw you've posted alot so i figure you have a good take and heard just about evertyhing. Let me know what ya think.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Thanks for not taking offense at my question. As I said, it's often very relevent. And I believe that it is in your case as well. Here's the thing...all the time apart from your wife creates detachment. If you're not spending time together, not 'investing' emotionally in each other...you drift apart. The love fades. When you DO spend time together...quality time together like what the two of you did when you courted...the love grows. I'd bet that your situation likely played out like this... You and your wife spent a lot of time apart, due to your deployments and such. When you DID come home, it was 'bittersweet'. Both of you enjoyed reuniting...but...she developed a lot of "independent behaviors'...as you did as well. Both of you were becoming used to 'living your own lives'...and when the two of you got back together between deployments/seperations, that independent behavior made it difficult to get along sometimes. At some point in all of this...probably while you were deployed...you met this 'other person'. The two of you likely work together, and ended up spending a good amount of time in each other's company. You were attracted, she was attracted...and so the two of you started talking about things OTHER than work. Found out that you had a lot in common...and the more you talked, the more you bonded. The more it felt like 'she was the one'. And during this...your wife became less and less 'attractive' to you. You didn't look forward to seeing her again. The negatives in your get togethers seemed bigger and bigger. The independent behaviors seemed greater and greater. And now you're here...you're at a point where you look back on your marriage and you see very little real good in it...you start to wonder why you've stayed as long as you have...especially knowing that there are people like "other person" out there you COULD be with. Here's the thing...this is all pretty common. I'm ex-Army...dealt with the same 'independent behavior' issues in my own marriage. Right now, as you look back on your marriage, there's little reason for you to want to stay...but if you were to ask friends and family, I'd bet that they'd disagree with you. You've mentally "re-written" your marriage in your mind...this isn't uncommon at all in people who have started to become involved with someone else. Here's the thing...you're at a cusp. You have a choice. You can either take the word of people who've worked through similar circumstances and TRY their advice to see if things can be reconciled or not...or you can file for divorce. There ARE steps you can take to try to see if your marriage is recovereable or not...but the first step is deciding that you want to try them. If so...then you can give it a shot. If not, then proceed with divorce. It's all up to you, friend.
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 OWL, not to hijack dwillis08's thread, but I was amazed at how clear and thought out your response was! I have been here for awhile, and have recieved a lot of help, I was curious if you could take a peek at my ramblings on "My Story" and "the rest of My Story" and post an opinion, I would appreciate it, just for the input. TOJAZ
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Dwillis, I'm not sure where your head is in this, if you have already moved on or not, but Owl makes a lot of sense in what he posted. I think I would do my best to look at things from all angles before sacrificing your marriage. TOJAZ
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Tojaz and Owl, Thats probably the best explanation I could have had. I WILL SERIOUSLY take into consideration everything you said. You might be right about what i created in my head but like i said this has been going on for a while. Really i appreciate everything. I will try and keep you updated on what happens. If you say you dealt with the same independant behaviours did you end up seperating or working it out and what point in your life are you now?
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I'm still married...we'll be celebrating our 22nd anniversary this upcoming fall. And we're quite HAPPILY married now. We went through the same 'independent behavior' for quite a while in our marriage until we recognized what we were doing. Once we knew that, we realized the steps we needed to take to end it, and to fix the seperation it caused between us. As much as possible, we remained integrated as a couple and a family. She kept me involved in decisions back at home. We sent mail daily, we called as often as we possibly could (daily or every other day if I was in training, as often as possible when I was deployed). We continually and constantly reaffirmed our love for each other. We dated a LOT when I was back home. Deliberately scheduled time to 'grow back together' when we were able. It helped a lot...it helped our marriage survive through my time in the military. We went through a good bit of adjustment when I got out. It created a rough spot as well...then we were spending almost too much time together. We had to relearn that 'balance'. We did go through a rough period about five years ago where she got involved in an emotional affair with another man she met online. We've worked through it, and we're VERY successfully recovered from that as well. If you decide you want to give your marriage a chance...let me know. I can give (if I say so myself) great advice along those lines. Divorce I know much less about. Hope this helps.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Tojaz, I just glanced at your latest thread...I'd glanced at it before I think. If you could, PM me with the "reader's digest condensed version" of your story, and I'll try to catch up from there if you don't mind.
Gunny376 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I would add,.............................. But Owl's ALREADY said all I've had to say!
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 i read the first post - and my initial thought was... he's definitely got a gal he's interested in. of course - that is revealed way down the line - except i do appreciate the honesty - however - it is relevant and would have been more relevant to state it in the original scenario. kind of like leaving out an important chapter to a book. soooo, when you tell your wife when she returns - give her the full info - girlfriend and all... it's important for her to understand that your heart and your mind is occupied by someone else. you owe her at least that. she'll know anyway - women always do. no man gives up EVERYTHING that he's known and loved if there's no abuse and lots of financial stuff to lose unless there is an OW. it will be obvious to her so at least respect her by throwing the truth out there. how long have you been seeing the other gal - and how old are all three of you?
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 2Sunny, Nice work in reading between the lines and I appreciate your take. I am 31, the wife 28, and the OW 23. I have known OW for about 6 months. We have been friends since we met. And like it was written earlier we talk alot and seem to have the same views, interests, outlooks, and goals. (i know these arent the only important things). Sex is not the issue like some may think. It doesnt involve that craziness or intense high because your being secretive. Everything with her is just smooth and she and i have talked about this. She didnt give the ultimatum but admitted that she wouldnt and couldnt stay if i did if a certain time period passed. Your right about owing her the truth. I havent been able to eat or sleep for a while now because i guess i know its looming and its gonna hurt her so much. But I dont want to keep going on like this. I left it out because i know it wont make her happy and much less anyone that i talk to on here. I know i get seen as the bad one.
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 well - i can guarantee you she already at least wonders - and may know. as a wife - we know. we do - there are very specific things that give it all away. and i would bet money that it's a part of the reason behind her being gone this week. she's probably trying to figure out if SHE wants to stay with YOU. YOU - her very distant husband who has been "absent" for the past six months. i am willing to bet money that her week has been spent figuring out a game plan to leave you - since you no longer participate in the marriage like you used to. there are a million reasons she already knows... she's probably just waiting to see if you show her some respect by owning up to the truth. most men don't - or if they do - they put the blame away from themselves. but if you are honest you will understand that these are all the reasons why you can't sleep and are feeling anxious. if you do the right thing you will be able to rest easy once again.
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Actually, I take acception to being asked for advice whilst you diliberatly leave out details that you THINK will prevent you from obtaining that advice.
Author dwillis08 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Well, I do apologize for leaving out the whole story. And your right i guess thats another lesson learned for me when asking other peoples true opinions. Thanks anyway to all.
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Well, I do apologize for leaving out the whole story. And your right i guess thats another lesson learned for me when asking other peoples true opinions. Thanks anyway to all. Well, my advice stands in any case, except you need to tell her about your affair, you still have children and you still made vows, it's up to your wife if she wants to work it out, if you give her that respect.
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 keep posting honey - just give us the whole truth - that way we can give you suggestions that pertain to the whole story. you will need some guidance as you move through this... so just stick around and put the truth out there. it's good to lay all the cards on the table - cuz a lot of people here will chime in with their area of expertise if you let us know what's really going on. expect your emotions to be all over the place - writing them out is often helpful in gaining clarity.
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