randasmith Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Hello, I posted last night but got flagged due to use of personal info (sorry-my bad) so I'm going to retry this and see if I can also shorten things up a bit. I've been married to my husband for almost 11 months. We have a son who's 18 months and a daughter on the way due in the fall. This is my second marriage and his first. Our relationship before marriage was rocky but all in all good. The beginning of it was the worst-you know working out the kinks of likes & dislikes etc. Once they were worked out-things were good. We were inseparable-and to me it was love at first sight. I fell so hard and deep for my husband that I was almost consumed-like that teenage crush that you long to find and when you do it's intoxicating. Upon the initial honeymoon stage of our marriage it was great. My husband had a hard time finding work where we were living so my sister found him a job in Oklahoma where my family lives and is from, at the time we were living in NC. So we decided that it would be beneficial for our family to move. He came out a month before me and our son did, to get everything in order as far as housing, car, etc. Things were good between us until right before Christmas. My husband and I started arguing more. He is basically unresponsive to my pleas for us to be closer. It's like we are room mates who just happen to have a child together. I tell him how I feel and he says he'll change and does for a few days then it's back to the way it was. I feel like he doesn't really hear me when I'm telling him that there is something wrong with our marriage. I try to play with him, he gets annoyed. I try to joke-and he gets annoyed. He's told me I was too clingy-so I laid off. The other time he touches me is when he wants relations, which has fallen off to being few and far between as opposed to what it used to be, and that bothers me too because I feel like I'm unattractive to him now because I have put on weight from this pregnancy rather quickly as opposed to our son. And when we do have "relations" it seems it's more of a have to for him than a "want to." Not to mention that he just expects me to sitting on go when he's ready-not at all the case. We used to be not only in love but also best friends. I felt comfortable with him but now I shy away from feeling carefree. I feel that maybe he's not in love with me anymore or that he's starting to feel that I'm not what he wanted afterall. I've left twice due to being so unhappy in our marriage that I've felt that being alone would be better for me than being in the same room or house and still being alone. But I always come back because I can't really imagine my life without him. I can't imagine waking up and not seeing him there. So after all of this, I'm wondering if it's normal for a man to be acting this way towards a wife he's only been married to for 11 months and is it normal for me to feel the way I feel from it? Any advice is greatly appreciated.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 So things were good in your marriage for like 3 months, if I'm reading correctly. When was it, exactly, that he went to OK by himself? Did the change occur after you joined him in OK and things had been good in NC? If that's the case, I'm wondering what he was doing in OK by himself before you joined him. Is it possible he met somebody and had (or is having) a fling? I've read that when somebody has an affair, they can sometimes turn cold or even mean to their SO in an attempt to get the SO to end things...kind of like a guilt thing. Like they know that based on what they did, they should have the decency to 'fess up and end things, but they lack the courage and so push you away. It could also be possible that he's trying to push you away so he can focus on the OW. That's one theory. Another may be...how is his job? If he hasn't adjusted well in his job, maybe he's depressed? Depression can affect many things in one's life, to include sex drive, and interest in an SO. Take a look at the big picture. I have a really hard time believing it was anything you did to make him turn like a light switch. Look at what underlying issues could be there. If he won't talk to you, perhaps suggest that things in the marriage are not looking too good but you'd like to fix it - let's go to MC.
Author randasmith Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Thank you! I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply back to your response. At the time while he was here before we came out, he was staying with my sister and her GF. I've sometimes wondered if possibly he'd had something going on with my sister's GF but nothing really to ignite my suspicions past that. His job well, it was stressful at first when he started because he and his former boss bumped heads until they learned each other. Then basically everyone that he worked with (including my sister) got fired by the owners due to some pretty stupid rumors from the only employee who was able to stay. But that's a WHOLE other story. At the present time, he's drawing unemployment and has been since May. Before that though, things were still rocky. I've never expected marriage or any relationship to be sunshine and roses, I know there will be problems. It's just he used to be my best friend and now he's nothing more than a room mate that I happen to share kids with. He says things like "this is HIS house" not "OUR" house, when in actuality I pay more of the bills than he does. I've been the dutiful wife, making sure my family including him, had what was needed. I don't like to keep score, but when he says things like that, it's hard to not think of what I've done for him as opposed to what he's done for me or our family even. I've suggested marriage counseling, and he's agreed to go but when it gets time to go-something more important, such as an odd job where we need the money, comes up. How do I get him to be evaluated for depression, even though we have no health insurance? I just want my best friend and husband back before it's too late.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 I wouldn't really know what would be available in your area. Maybe try looking for a mental health forum out there on the web? Perhaps one that focuses on depression. They'd probably be able to help you figure out how to talk to him about it, what your options are, etc. But the 180 he has pulled really does sound like depression. I know the Mayo Clinic website has several articles about depression. Perhaps search there, too. Good luck - this could be a hard path. I hope things improve for you guys.
Author randasmith Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Thank you again for your insight. I will get on things monday morning, as he's also gotten a job that he starts. He will have more of a set schedule so I can make appointments that rotate around his schedule. Thanks!
jjreed Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 The truth is there is not much you can do to save your marriage without his help. You need to tell him everything that you have told us. Does he know all of this? You need to ask him, "Do you still love me?" and "Are you willing to do whatever it takes to make this marriage work?" The answer to both questions must be, yes. If both questions are yes, you two need to visit a non-biased counselor. If he answers no to either question or both, it maybe be time for you to consider a divorce. One post suggested that he might be depressed. This could be true. However, a good marriage counselor will be able to determine the underlining problem. Communication is the key. Do not stop communicating with him. Keep in mind, there is a difference between constructive communication and destructive communication. At the end of the day, the fight for your marriage can not be one-sided. Both of you have to want it! Otherwise, you are only delaying the inevitable. None of this is easy, but it has to be done.
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