evaG Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I've been through two consecutive relationships where the guy develops a "can't get tied down now, feels suffocated, must go screw as many girls as possible" attitude. Where is this coming from? Are all guys in their 20's not ready to be in a stable relationship? I'm not asking for marriage or anything remotely close to that here. My guy and I are both in our 20's. We've dated for over a year and half. We got along GREAT and our personalities match and we compliment each other's need when we're physically next to each other. However, things always go sour when we're apart, even for more than a day! He told me that he HATED the relationship because he feels obligated to see me and do things with me. That in turn makes him not take any initiative to go out with me, which in turn makes me hassle him more and hate him for not taking any initiatives, thus making him feel more suffocated and hateful of our relationship. He told me that he loves me, but hates our relationship. I don't think of myself as that demanding. I prefer to see the guy twice a week, hopefully at least one of those times the guy would ask me to see him. I don't require daily phone calls, a few texts here and there is fine. I'm whiney sure, but I can get away with it as being "cute" (and guys have told me it's cute so I'm not saying this as a self justification). Is that too demanding??? Oh and not to mention, I have no problems paying for things. I don't understand. Why do you guys insist on this f**king around phase in life? Is it his problem with me?
carhill Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Try dating a 30 year old. Men (and women) are who they are when they are. If this guy isn't compatible, move on to someone who is. Not every man sees his 20's as a 'f*cking round' phase in life. The rub is, those who don't may never appear on your radar because you just won't see them, whether because they are engaged in endeavors which don't cross into your life or are merely invisible to you. Think about that. Pay close attention. Trust me, it doesn't get any better when you're older
Stark Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 We exist. do yourself a favour in future and before you grow to like someone find out if they are interested in anything a sort of serious relationship, so that way you know wether to pursue or not.
WTRanger Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Take what he says at face value. The f*cking around phase is just that. He wants to screw anything that walks and hates the fact that he has to answer to you. He wants to keep screwing you, but also wants to screw others too. He hates the singularity of the relationship. Sounds like he's trying to end things with you, but doesn't have to spine to up and tell you. So he'll say little things like that to eventually made you mad enough that you end it. Then, he can call you a bitch and act like it wasn't his fault.
Chicago_Guy Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 ... I don't understand. Why do you guys insist on this f**king around phase in life? Is it his problem with me? Not all guys are like that - you're just picking the wrong guys. The funny thing is that one of my male friends always complains that the women are the ones who want to sleep around.
AliceWoodhouse Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am still together with my bf of 4 years & 9 months and I still remember the time he was going through a terrible Quarterlife Crisis that almost broke us apart. It was in our third year together when he suddenly developed a "better game plan" in life, which was to enjoy whatever the fruck he wants and leave me for his friends, gimmicks, and all other plans that never seemed to involve me. I tried to understand him, to accept the depressingly low contact for months, but even knowing that this quarterlife crisis was just a phase it left me extremely sad and angry. I was the one who initiated to break up with him. I asked him to end this seemingly unfair relationship, because I had too much respect for myself to be a doormat. I refused to deal with him and the crumbling relationship, I didn't want a guy who wasn't sure what he wanted, or what he wanted me for. I don't want to be strung along; nor to be someone he calls if he feels like it. That night I broke up with him he also tried to change, and we both worked it out over a couple of months and now we're still together. He thought he overdid it too, and he said that he could not go through life without me by his side. We're going strong, I'm continuing to support whatever he plans, and he discusses it with me, too. I believe this is a good relationship, better than the past we went through.
The Blue Pill Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 My ex (female) decided to have this phase you're talking about, so it's not just guys. I thought I'd be married by now, considering I'd been in steady relationships for 6 years. Guess not. I got out of my own phase already. I guess my new quarter-life crisis would be the fact that I'm single, and don't see my college friends much anymore.
LostLamb Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I'm female but it is obvious that you are choosing the wrong blokes. If you go for a certain physical type (above average looks wise) they are more likely to settle down later in life. You say how well you suit each other etc but it doesn't mean this relationship will last as any partner who can say "I hate this relationship" will leave , or force you to dump them sooner or later. I think you should talk to him and ask if he actually wants to be in a committed relationship right now.
boogieboy Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Go find a guy that ACTUALLY LIKES you and wants to be with YOU. He Can make it clearer that he wants to bang other women while hes banging you and you let it happen, shame on you really. He knows that women speak in hints, and his hints arent working on you because youre blind in love.
Isolde Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 It's one thing to not be ready to settle down and quite another not to want to date. I hate to say this but it sounds like he's not feeling it anymore for whatever reason. Probably a combination of that and being confused about where his life is going in general. I'm sure he's attracted to you but that is not enough. Either way, I think you'd be better off walking. I don't usually give such blunt advice, but it sounds like he's too lazy and/or transient to make this work. Your needs are reasonable so don't stay in an R that makes you feel like you're needy--'cos you're not. You're not asking to be put on a pedestal. You want the fundamentals of an R--and a time commitment that is in no way major. And you will find that with some luck and patience.
Author evaG Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Wow everyone is so supportive here. Thank you! We definitively broke it off now. I told him tonight on the phone (after three days of NC) that I can't be his friend because I have tried this route last summer and was absolutely miserable. I pretty much deleted all source of electronic contact with him. Are guys more wanting to pursue the girls that show no interest? I hate these games that people have to play. I wish they can just realize they like each other and have that be enough. I feel really bad because my first bf years and years ago was able to offer me this type of love, and I was too young to accept it. Now I feel like the scenarios are turned around to bite me in the ass. Any breakup after so long is hard. I'm really glad to have great friends and you guys to support me through this. I hope my friends are not sick of me talking about this by the time I get out of it. Hehe. Any of you nice guys happen to be around DC by any chance?
torranceshipman Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 It maybe that he is just not so into the R, but whatever, he sounds like an ass. You need to drop him ON his ass and tell him you are a pretty good catch and want a R with someone that is actually happy to be in one, otherwise where is the fun and enjoyment factor for you? Btw, girls can be just as bad...I'm in my 30s now, and I admit that I'm not hugely in love with the idea of settling down - guess I just need to meet the guy who will blow me away enough for me to settle down without fear. I do meet exciting guys that I can see a long term thing with sometimes (mid-30's - I prefer late 30's in general) but they can be kind of serial dater too, like I am (sort of). Just don't undersell yourself and make sure he knows this! I know so many mid 30s guys that still act like your boyfriend so I don't even know if it is an age thing...
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Good work, Eva. I know things like that aren't easy, but if he doesn't want to be in a relationship (and from his actions, I agree with the others that he doesn't), then you just saved yourself a whole ton of headache and heartache in the long run. To answer your original question, many guys in their 20's do like to play the field. It's not really a 'quarter-life crisis'; we never got out of this phase. Back in high school, we saw you girls go crazy over the guy with the cool car and the tattoo. Well, now that we're older and have a job, we have that car and that tattoo! It's like puberty revisited, only now we have the cool toys to go with it. However, as others have mentioned, not all guys are like that. Like me, for instance. I was the one who always wanted one steady chick, even as a teen. Guys like that are out there, they're just harder to find, because usually it's the players who approach you first - when you're surrounded by players, it's hard to see the relationship-guy, even if he's only 5' away. To answer your question about who we pursue, that varies widely by the guy. Some guys like the chase, some don't. If you show no interest at all, most will just cut bait. Some stick around for the challenge, but they're probably more interested in being able to say that they conquered you than wanting a serious relationship. Some of us (again, like me) still do prefer the old school simplistic approach. "I like you; do you like me? Yes? Great, do you want to go out?" Games are best left for the field and the bedroom.
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