My ex who dumped me twice told me to NC her,she has now sent Bday gift, what do i do?

July 6, 2009

Basically me and my ex went out for 3.6 years, she was diagnosed as hypo-manic/depressive. I supported her 100% in everything, from helping her to get a house, her current job, being there for her 24/7. She dumped me 5 months ago, we started talking 8 weeks ago, I thought all was good, then 3 weeks ago (one week before I left the country on a holiday I had planned for ages with my mum and 3 weeks before my birthday) she said she did not want to be with me, she told me if she had the ideal position for her it would be to come and go from me as she pleases. She also told me she stayed with me and had seen me because she was scared of being alone (I stayed for love) and if I was not there she would not miss me as a boyfriend. The night before I flew out she said, she did not want to drop me off at the airport or pick me up, she then thanked me for giving my all to her. She then told me some other lady would be lucky enough to have me (which hurt me a lot) She also said she saw me now because she felt guilt for basically using me over the last 3 years. I told her I forgave her because love is giving and forgiveness. She then told me to not contact her again becuase she wants to move on and if I called she would hang up. I had my birthday 2 days ago, arrived back home after 2 weeks of NC and on the doorstep was a parcel from her. She had brought me a book worth around $100, had left 2 cards saying she hoped I had a great birthday and holiday and until next we meet, sweetie, xo etc. She also dropped off an album she had made with around 70!!! cat photos she had put in (we got the cats together, she has them) and said I was and always would be their dad, and she sent me a text that said I hope u had a good birthday big hugs. What is going on??? Do I reply?? DO I drop everything back?? This is screwing with my head! Did she do this out of guilt? What do I do?, I have not replied, does she want a reply? I need advice, she has hurt me so much, what is the right thing to do? thanks heaps

July 6, 2009

What proof do you have that anything's changed?

All she did was convey a nice gesture to you. That's not the same thing as writing you a letter or calling you to say, "Remember those things I said to you about wanting to come and go from you as I please? I've thought about that a lot, and I was wrong. I miss you and want to be with you in a relationship."

If you're willing to be jerked around by her, I guess you should respond to this gift by being nice to her and continuing on your course of a quasi-relationship.

If you're not willing to do that, you need to take a stand: Either be with me, or I have to spend time away from you so I can get over you.

July 6, 2009

Frankly if I were you I would tell her it's inappropriate and you don't want to accept the gifts. She is just screwing with you.

July 6, 2009

After her being so forthright and adamant about not wanting you...I don't think you should follow up on these gifts.As someone said, how does that prove there is a change?

You can accept them but not say anything to her about them or even say a simple "Thank you" via text and leave it at that. I don't agree that you always have to be 100% cold...you can be cordial and keep it short.

But also, I feel there is really a difference between dealing with people who have documented disorders that affect their emotions and ability to make choices..versus individuals who do not. In that clearly, the former individuals are even less reliable in what they say and do. But the bottomline is that: regardless of if someone is on an emotional rollercoaster due to a disorder or just a regular emotional rollercoaster, you don't need to be dragged along and it is up to you to keep your self and emotions at a safe distance.

July 6, 2009

I'd send it back with a return to sender form!

July 6, 2009

thankyou for all your advice. My friends and family I have spoken to pretty much say she sent you the stuff on your birthday to make herself feel better, its all about making her feel she is an ok person. I don't want to say thanks because I feel that says "how you treated me was ok and everything is fine". I will either return it all or say nothing, any further advice before I do anything would be great, thankyou all

July 6, 2009

It's something that the person who initiated the split always seems to do - I've just split with my girlfriend and even I want to do something to show how much I love her and how sorry I am I've done this.

But it's never about the person being dumped. You may have seen a TV show called 'Spaced', it's a British comedy. There's a quote in it that perfectly sums up why this happens.

"I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning, 3 months too late, explaining why she dumped me. It was full of 'you'll always be special' and 'I'll always love you' platitudes designed to make me feel better whilst simultaneously appeasing her deep seated sense of guilt for dumping me, running off with a slimy little city boy called Duane and destroying my faith in everything which is good and pure."

She sent you those gifts to make herself feel better. If you genuinely care about her, keep them but don't treasure them. If you don't want her to feel better about herself, send them back. Consider which is the least hassle for you.

July 6, 2009

thankyou for all your advice. My friends and family I have spoken to pretty much say she sent you the stuff on your birthday to make herself feel better, its all about making her feel she is an ok person. I don't want to say thanks because I feel that says "how you treated me was ok and everything is fine". I will either return it all or say nothing, any further advice before I do anything would be great, thankyou all

Personally, if I were you, my choice would be to give her a cold and impersonal acknowledgement. Perhaps a text or an email that says simply: "Thanks for the present." With that period at the end. And nothing more. No smiley faces, no xoxo's, nothing else.

Why? Because this strikes a balance between being impersonal and indifferent, and yet still being a civil and polite person. Going further by sending it back indicates some real anger, as though you've truly lost your cool over her, and I wouldn't want to send that message.

July 6, 2009

LOOL it shoulds as if she NOW WANTS WHAT SHE CANT HAVE whne she said dont contact her again she hoped you would, she hoped you would be begging her to come back to you which would have made it easier for her to move on as she has you to always fall back on if it flops with the next guy! the fact that you didnt contact her has made her wonder...does he still miss me does he still love me?! if i was you i would let her wonder as much as you can haha she obviously misses you! dont let her in to your life as soon as she wants you or she will just do the same thing to you! good luck x

July 6, 2009

as usual chrome comes through with the right idea.just sent the crap back,telling her not to bother you.

July 8, 2009

ok, I have decided to not return the stuff she sent as I would not feel good about that. But can I accept a $80 book? It does not sit right with me to keep it but my friends etc said to not return it or giver her money for it as that would make her feel like crap as she sent it to me as a gift and to say nothing whatsoever to her and put her on ignore. The problem with that is I feel guilty for not acknowledging what she has sent me. The last time we spoke she told me to not contact her again and I was not her problem. What is the benefit for me in saying nothing to her in relation to the gifts she has sent me? doesn't that make me look like a cold horrible person? sigh, I just wanna do the right thing (confused ),

July 8, 2009

My friends etc said to not say thanks and put her on ignore.

Good plan.

doesn't that make me look like a cold horrible person? sigh, I just wanna do the right thing (confused )

No.

It makes it look like you don't care one way or the other if you got a gift or not.

It makes it look like you aren't *touched* or sparked in any way.

You shouldn't care. So it shouldn't matter.

And if you do care - well you shouldn't - so you need to act like you don't until you really don't.

Personally, if I were you, my choice would be to give her a cold and impersonal acknowledgement. Perhaps a text or an email that says simply: "Thanks for the present." With that period at the end. And nothing more. No smiley faces, no xoxo's, nothing else.

This would have even been too much.

"FYI - Got the B-day box."

And then ignore ANY contact that came from her after.

She was heartless and cruel in her comments 3 weeks ago and she ASKED for NC.

Then she breaks it to alleviate her guilt.

I wouldn't give her any indication that contact is okay or ever will be.

July 8, 2009

The problem with that is I feel guilty for not acknowledging what she has sent me.

Umm, she's the one that needs to feel guilty. She thinks she can buy your forgiveness for 80 bucks. Look at it that way and suddenly there's a lot less of an issue. Keep the gifts if they've any value to you beside their association with her, otherwise give them to a charity shop or something so someone else can at least derive something positive from her screwy intentions.

July 8, 2009

ok, I have decided to not return the stuff she sent as I would not feel good about that. But can I accept a $80 book? It does not sit right with me to keep it but my friends etc said to not return it or giver her money for it as that would make her feel like crap as she sent it to me as a gift and to say nothing whatsoever to her and put her on ignore. The problem with that is I feel guilty for not acknowledging what she has sent me. The last time we spoke she told me to not contact her again and I was not her problem. What is the benefit for me in saying nothing to her in relation to the gifts she has sent me? doesn't that make me look like a cold horrible person? sigh, I just wanna do the right thing (confused ),

If you accept that gift! your accepting her money, you taking something which she could in turn use that against you.

That's why I said return it because you dont want to show her that your still friendly.

She'll contact you and ask you about that gift because that's her opening!

July 8, 2009

If you accept that gift! your accepting her money, you taking something which she could in turn use that against you.

That's why I said return it because you dont want to show her that your still friendly.

She'll contact you and ask you about that gift because that's her opening!

Sorry CB but I have to disagree.

It takes WAY more effort to return it.

And then the reason to contact would be "I want to know why you returned it!", etc.

If she wants a "reason" to contact she will do so regardless.

It is really best to make no effort at all. And ignore everything she does to make contact.

July 8, 2009

thanks for your advice, the only other problem is it is her birthday in 5 weeks!! If if keep silent and do not return the guilt gifts she gave me do I then have an obligation to send her presents for her birthday and if I send nothing doesn't that make her look good and me look bad?

July 8, 2009

Sorry CB but I have to disagree.

It takes WAY more effort to return it.

And then the reason to contact would be "I want to know why you returned it!", etc.

If she wants a "reason" to contact she will do so regardless.

It is really best to make no effort at all. And ignore everything she does to make contact.

BS she will contact you and ask why did you return it??/

WTF I would reply Why the F would I keep it!? We're not together, we arent friends , leave me the F alone!

If he accepts the gift he's weak!

There's things where the mob boss often lent you a gift as a favor in return.

Trust she will call in that mark!

Return it, and stop all contact!

July 9, 2009

BS she will contact you and ask why did you return it??/

WTF I would reply Why the F would I keep it!? We're not together, we arent friends , leave me the F alone!

If he accepts the gift he's weak!

There's things where the mob boss often lent you a gift as a favor in return.

Trust she will call in that mark!

Return it, and stop all contact!

CB if she wants to call or contact she can use keeping it as an excuse - AND returning it as an excuse.

There is a major difference between this girl and the mob.

If she contacts for any reason (or no reason at all) he can refuse to give her any response whatsoever - she will still get NOTHING.

Doing nothing is better than putting any effort at all her way. That means the effort to return it too.

Ignoring everything she does is far better than any response at all -- even "leave me the F alone" as you suggest.

The opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference.

July 9, 2009

thanks for your advice, the only other problem is it is her birthday in 5 weeks!! If if keep silent and do not return the guilt gifts she gave me do I then have an obligation to send her presents for her birthday and if I send nothing doesn't that make her look good and me look bad?

Nope.

You are not obligated to do anything, say anything, etc.

The two of you are nothing now. You aren't friends and you should ignore any occasion that has to do with her life or the old life of you and she together.

Act as if she doesn't even live on this planet anymore.

She made her bed and is horrible for the things she said to you and how she went about the break up.

If someone treats you like crap you don't buy them presents or acknowledge them, their lives, or their actions.

You cut them off entirely.

As far as "looking bad" - who are you worried about? Looking bad to her? Her friends? Her family?

They ALL don't matter. They weren't there to see how you were treated. You have valid reasons for cutting her out of your life like a cancerous tumor. Be at peace with that.

Now you move on and do not give her anything or any contact. She does even deserve another thought.

July 9, 2009

Read the book then send it back! I'd keep the damn thing without so much as a "thanks" in return, NC! Also.. I'd ignore the hell out of her b-day.

July 9, 2009

So answer this if, he's not friend's with her why doesnt he return the gift?

Why keep it as a reminder of her.

Why is he getting gifts from her in the first place? I wouldnt trust it.

July 9, 2009

So answer this if, he's not friend's with her why doesnt he return the gift?

Why keep it as a reminder of her.

Why is he getting gifts from her in the first place? I wouldnt trust it.

It isn't a souvenir of some meaningful moment. It is just a book. No feeling should be attributed to it at all.

If she wants to do stupid things like spend her money and try to initiate contact that is all her problem.

All he is doing is carrying on living his life. For all she knows he gave it away, burned it, threw it away, etc.

The point is she made this ridiculous gesture and then *crickets chirping* NOTHING.

No response. No contact. Nothing.

And that is how life should be from now on.

Silence is golden. No reaction to her means she didn't spark ANY emotion or thought at all. That means she has no effect and means nothing.

THAT says it all.

July 9, 2009

This girl sounds like she's taking advantage of you. You sound weak when it comes to her and it seems she knows how you are. If she tells you that stuff then wants to contact you whenever she pleases then she's not worth it.

I say forget her totally. Keep her gifts but don't talk to her. Trust me it's the best thing to do. Don't feel bad. I can't imagine how she could put you through so much knowing how you care about her, then decide to come into your life whenever she wants. It's not fair to you my friend.

July 9, 2009

Thank you for all your comments, some times its hard to see which way to go. She has been great at playing with my emotions.

The point is she made this ridiculous gesture and then *crickets chirping* NOTHING.
No response. No contact. Nothing.

You are right Island girl it has been 5 days now since she sent me the book, cats photos, etc. I have heard nothing at all from her, if she did care about me she would of checked to see if I got the stuff she sent me because that would indicate that I was important to her,

but I suppose if she cared she would have treated me good in the first place! Thankyou all for your support and advice, I will not respond in any way and stay strong and keep NC!

July 9, 2009

She has been great at playing with my emotions.

When she pops up again realize that is her intention - to play with your emotions and do not allow her to.

Don't even think about contacting in any way including answering HER contact.

You don't need all of this drama and head games. You deserve a person who respects you and appreciates you.

This girl isn't her.

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My ex who dumped me twice told me to NC her,she has now sent Bday gift, what do i do?

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