Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Lately I have been considering making some sort of peacemaking phone call to the guy I broke up with 10 months ago. I have NO interest in being with him anymore, and I'm fine with being on my own for the remaining 2 months of the single year I chose to take, or as long as it takes to meet a good guy for me. When I broke up with him, I told him not to contact me unless there was a true emergency, and he has respected that. So, if we're ever going to have any contact again, it's up to me. I used to end a relationship and cut all contact with the person, but in recent years, I have tried to maintain distant friendships, or at least acquaintanceships, with my exes. I have found that you can usually learn a lot about yourself, the relationship, human tendencies, etc., in the aftermath of a relationship. I have managed to maintain friendly contact with all but one of them, who simply stopped our occasional e-mails at one point. I'm fine with that, and I'm fine with the contact I have with the others. I been turning over in my mind the idea of calling him to say hi and catch up a bit for a few weeks, and I am trying to put my finger on what the value could be, or why it's not a good idea. Just wanted to know what you all thought.
asuman Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 No you shouldn't contact him. What's the point? That's too hasty a judgement call to make, don't you think? I've had about 4 serious relationships in my life, in addition to random dating situations and semi-relationships. Of those 4, 2 were amicable break-ups, and to this day many years later I remain good friends with those former girlfriends. They know a side of me that very few people in my life do, and vice versa. I very much value their friendship with me. The only question to ask here is whether you're truly over him. It sounds to me like you are but that's for you to determine.
Soul Bear Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Same here- Ruby, if your over him...totally...completely...why do you want to contact him? you could either hurt him, or yourself in opening this door again....look long and deep inside of your soul, and find out WHY you REALLY want to contact him.... None of this 'thats the mature thing to do' crap
Road To Joy Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 IMO, it's not a good idea. There's really no point. When my break up was more recent, I was afraid of going NC because I was afraid we'd lose contact completely and I would never hear from her again. But as time went on I realized that when I'm truly, completely, 110% over her and moved on, I would have absolutely no interest in talking to her or even having her in my life. Maybe my relationship did more damage to me than yours did to you, which makes me (overtime) not want anything to do with her. But all in all, I honestly (with all respect) don't see a point. Once you accept a breakup, you accept the bad and the good, you accept everything that happened and it no longer troubles you. And sometimes you think you're over them, and you can swear to God you're over them, and then something can completely throw you off. I would let it be, if I were you. If you two cross paths randomly, I don't think it would be bad (in your case, since you said you're over him) to have some small talk and bring up (BRIEFLY, don't open up old wounds) whatever it is you wanted to talk to him about. And end of story, put it behind you, and move on with your life.
wow123 Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I just think that by calling him you may hurt him. Since you don't want to be with him you shouldn't risk setting him back. I don't know how long the relationship was and the chances are he is over you after 10 months but you just never know. If he is over you he probably doesn't want to hear from you since you cut him off for the last 10 months. But again, just guessing.
asuman Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I don't see what the big deal is. At one point I found this person to be attractive and interesting to me. Interesting enough that I shared a major, intimate part of my life with her. It's kind of silly for me to now try and convince myself that she's such a piece of crap that I'm not even interested in exchanging Christmas cards with her. Of course, if the relationship was a bad one (and I've had a couple), the circumstances are different.
Road To Joy Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I just think that by calling him you may hurt him. Since you don't want to be with him you shouldn't risk setting him back. I don't know how long the relationship was and the chances are he is over you after 10 months but you just never know. If he is over you he probably doesn't want to hear from you since you cut him off for the last 10 months. But again, just guessing. I agree with this 100%. if the relationship was a bad one (and I've had a couple), the circumstances are different. And this.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Yes, asuman, your thoughts parallel my own. I have also had 4 serious relationships, and they were all meaningful to me. I only get involved with someone if I think he is really something, and I develop a deep bond with the man I love. So, yes, he sees parts of me that no one else ever sees, not even most of my close friends. And I am fairly certain that goes both ways. I have exchanged advice concerning important life decisions with 2 of my exes. I think that the last ex and I could develop this sort of friendship, too -- maybe only an e-mail or two a year, but a touch point at important times. The breakup was painful, but mostly amicable. I think we both realized our disagreements came down to incompatibility. Each of us tried very hard to change enough to be what the other person needed, but we could never sustain it or maintain a good level of peace and happiness for long. We always did have a ridiculously strong physical and sensual attraction, though, and that is the one thing I worry about. Even our phone calls always had this undercurrent of electricity. Since I am still single, it could re-awaken those feelings. On the other hand, it could be a good exercise in maintaining boundaries. Still just contemplating the idea.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I just think that by calling him you may hurt him. Since you don't want to be with him you shouldn't risk setting him back. I don't know how long the relationship was and the chances are he is over you after 10 months but you just never know. If he is over you he probably doesn't want to hear from you since you cut him off for the last 10 months. But again, just guessing. We were together for two years. During the breakup, he told me he wanted to be "good friends". He is friends with pretty much all his exes, and I think he would be glad to hear from me. Of course, I have no way of knowing that for sure. I do know that he still has a few pictures of us up on his myspace. I don't know what to make of that.
asuman Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yes, asuman, your thoughts parallel my own. I have also had 4 serious relationships, and they were all meaningful to me. I only get involved with someone if I think he is really something, and I develop a deep bond with the man I love. So, yes, he sees parts of me that no one else ever sees, not even most of my close friends. And I am fairly certain that goes both ways. I have exchanged advice concerning important life decisions with 2 of my exes. I think that the last ex and I could develop this sort of friendship, too -- maybe only an e-mail or two a year, but a touch point at important times. The breakup was painful, but mostly amicable. I think we both realized our disagreements came down to incompatibility. Each of us tried very hard to change enough to be what the other person needed, but we could never sustain it or maintain a good level of peace and happiness for long. We always did have a ridiculously strong physical and sensual attraction, though, and that is the one thing I worry about. Even our phone calls always had this undercurrent of electricity. Since I am still single, it could re-awaken those feelings. On the other hand, it could be a good exercise in maintaining boundaries. Still just contemplating the idea. That undercurrent you refer to is what concerns me. For me, none of my friendships with exes began until after there was no undercurrent. Obviously with any ex there's always going to be SOMETHING in the background that would make a current girlfriend/boyfriend maybe feel a twinge of discomfort. But I've never been conscious of that by the time I'm really done with someone. It's over. It's not going to come back. That's my mentality when such a friendship begins. Are you sure you're in the same spot?
adamt Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I do know that he still has a few pictures of us up on his myspace. I don't know what to make of that. probably doesn't mean much. My ex still has pictures of me up on facebook. The dumper probably has little emotion left for the relationship so not bothered either way. Probably just bothered about takign them down. I wouldnt read anythign into it. they may only go down if they are hurt or they get a new partner.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 Well, I haven't contacted him. I don't really see the point. If I bump into him someday, I'll say hello then. But I have no concrete reason to contact him.
broken_promises Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Hey Ruby... just because I know your back story (you helped with my own decision to get out of the relationship with a commitment phobe) I would say your decision not to contact him is probably the best. We both know how easily we can be drawn into their empty promises and, since you are still single, I would worry that was still opening up a possible painful reconnection for you.
BCCA Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 As a guy, I dont want to hear from any ex of mine, unless she want to say sorry and ask for me to get back with her. Even if I'd say no, that about all I want to hear. I seriously dont care whats going on in their lives and how theyre doing. Any contact you make is going to initially seem like youre feeling him out, and when he realizes you are really just trying to be friends, hes either going to get pissed or just ignore you. It's over. It's not going to come back. That's my mentality when such a friendship begins Youre a girl, and the dumper. YOU are fine with being friends, because youre the one who wanted to break up. This doesnt take into account this guy or what he wants, which if I had to guess, is probably not the same thing. Seriously, guys dont want to be friend with girls who dumped them. Im not friends with a single girl that I used to date. I firmly stand behind the belief that guys are only friends with ex's for two reasons: sex or to get back together. There is really no other point IMO
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 Hey Ruby... just because I know your back story (you helped with my own decision to get out of the relationship with a commitment phobe) I would say your decision not to contact him is probably the best. We both know how easily we can be drawn into their empty promises and, since you are still single, I would worry that was still opening up a possible painful reconnection for you. Oh, I remember your situation. How have things been for you since? We have probably been going through a lot of the same feelings. I feel that I am just TRULY arriving at the phase of acceptance, 10 months later. I wonder how it's been for you. And great advice. You are right on, of course.
asuman Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Any contact you make is going to initially seem like youre feeling him out, and when he realizes you are really just trying to be friends, hes either going to get pissed or just ignore you. It's over. It's not going to come back. That's my mentality when such a friendship begins Youre a girl, and the dumper. YOU are fine with being friends, because youre the one who wanted to break up. This doesnt take into account this guy or what he wants, which if I had to guess, is probably not the same thing. Seriously, guys dont want to be friend with girls who dumped them. Im not friends with a single girl that I used to date. I firmly stand behind the belief that guys are only friends with ex's for two reasons: sex or to get back together. There is really no other point IMO The quote you responded to was mine. I'm a guy. And she was the dumper, not me.
BCCA Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 The quote you responded to was mine. I'm a guy. And she was the dumper, not me. Yeah I botched that lol I was talking to the OP, I meant to say the difference is she is a girl that dumped the guy, sorry man.
asuman Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Heh no need to apologize, I just thought it was a bit ironic.
BCCA Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Heh no need to apologize, I just thought it was a bit ironic. haha Yeah, when I saw your post I was like "crap" I hope it actually makes sense now lol
Author Ruby Slippers Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 I guess the confusion around this quote was a sign from the universe I need to pay closer attention to it. It's over. It's not going to come back. That's my mentality when such a friendship begins. Are you sure you're in the same spot? You know, I'm not 100% sure. Maybe 99% sure. And that's not really enough, now, is it? I think the physical connection is a large part of what kept us so hooked on each other. It wasn't the only thing by any means, but it was powerful. It's not worth the risk.
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