OnceTrueLove Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I have an issue with trying to be everyone at once. My wife and I have been going through some rough times over the past four months. Her family is broken to say the least. Parents just recently divorced, one remarried, one not so well off. Her sister is in a toxic relationship and for the past 4-5 months she has pretty getting the shaft. I would consider her the most stable of the bunch. Highly successful, independant, smart, strong willed. The rest of the fam dumps on her all their feelings, issues, etc... all the time. So after all that advice giving, it is discovered that she is not happy in her marriage to me. It's "I love you" but am not in love with you. What kills me is that she says I am the most supportive person she knows. I am the model husband in many ways. I do have problems like everyone does. I am not excellent at planning (trips that is). It comes absolutely natural for me to be head over heels for her, but I struggle to find romantic things to do. I get cards, flowers, back rubs, but that all seems like it's more nurturing to her than romantic, so I struggle with that, and I know that. I guess I concentrate on the things that I think make her happy and then not on the things that actually mean something. I don't know what to do at this point. I am broken up, but am trying to hide the emotion as to not make the issue worse. She feels bad about telling me that, but she has lost the emotion behind the words. I guess the only thing that I can do is try to work on myself - right? I can't make someone love me that has lost it. I can only move forward and show her that I love her deeply - but not smother her. Spent the last night on the couch (1st time in 8 years - 4 yrs of marriage). Don't really know what to do now. Even walking around my own house doesn't feel right. What am I to do? PS - Sorry for any grammer or shakiness. This is the first time I have looked for help outside and find it difficult. Sometimes my thoughts get messed up. Once In True Love
NoIDidn't Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Sounds like she is stressed out and doesn't feel that you are helping to alleviate it. A weekend away might help. That and not answering the phone for a week so she can destress.
Author OnceTrueLove Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 I completely agree with you, however, when I brought this up, I got the "I don't know if that is what I want from you anymore" comment. I believe that a trip to get away from everything is a good idea - but I don't want to force this upon her and seem like I am trying to sell it to her or making an already uncomfortable situation worse. I feel like a stranger walking around my own house.
TaraMaiden Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 This is heading for a break. She's trying to be nice, to be kind, to let you down gently - call it what you will...but it sounds to me as if she's got one foot out the door... Suggest she go to counselling with you, even if only to sort your minds out.... But I think she's brought the shutters down. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.... Good luck....
Author OnceTrueLove Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 So maybe the worst place to turn is freinds in relationships. But (and I have thought this many times), that it really is depression related. I am not justifying the action, but in the past year, she has lost her mom emotionally to alcohol, her father is recently remarried (I went to the court so as to not make her do the final deed), and her sister has been in a relationship with a man that is borderline gay (not that that is an issue, but seemingly devistating to a man/woman relationship). There has also been some business with the personal finances within her family. Now, being supportive of all that, it appears that she is now pushing away even the person that she has leaned on over all these years. Make sense??? It's like I would like to mention that, not even for our well-being, but hers. Touchy subject at best. Help?
NoIDidn't Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 She might have one foot out the door, but its for all the wrong reasons. I say encourage her to go to a counsellor alone. That may help your marriage more in the long run. She's stressed. And the stressors that she is under are listed in the top THREE of stressors that can devastate marriages. Its only natural that your marriage is suffering. But instead of talking to her about how she is feeling about YOU, talk to her about how she is feeling PERIOD. Tell her you empathize with her. Tell her you are there for her. Do something FOR HER that shows her you aren't only concerned about where you fit in right now. She sees everything and every relationship around her crumbling, and she's probably fearful that yours is going to blindside her next. She might be seeking to protect her heart preemptively by getting distant towards you. That, and this is usually the a very vulnerable time for people in her position that also leads to extramarital affairs. Encourage her to seek counselling. She could use a sounding board that's more objective than she might feel you are capable of being right now (not that you aren't capable, she just needs to feel at ease to discuss her real feelings without fear of judgment or causing you pain).
Author OnceTrueLove Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 Going on vacation for a week. Kinda impromptu, but we will see. Have some more background. Thanks for the advice.
Lucky_One Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Sounds like situational depression - very understandable for her right now. I think a get-away sounds like a great idea. I also like the idea of encouraging her to talk to a counselor while she processes the changes in her family. Seeing your parent's marriage fall apart can really mess with your mind and change how you look at romantic relationships, and make you question your own heart or your own emotions or your own judgement. Have fun on vacation!
Author OnceTrueLove Posted August 8, 2009 Author Posted August 8, 2009 OK...So the vacation was great. Went on a last minute cruise that is something that we have wanted to do together. So before that she dropped the bomb on me that she had a relationship (as she put it) with another gentleman at her work. BOMB!...I actually held it together and didn't show a ton of emotion. More of a shock than anything else. Appearently this occurred more than a couple of years ago. At the time, I was having a hard time with work. Not so much as keeping employment, but there was work to be done, and I was in a pretty reactive job at the position at the time. I left for the night (prior to the trip), and went to my parents. I still have a great relationship with my parents, my mom has since been remarried for 15+ years). After the anger outbursts, I found that I was only hurting myself if I harbor the hate inside and don't let those feelings go. So I did and I have. Not to say that there aren't days in which I feel like burning a small city to the ground, but for the most part, I have forgiven her. She is still dealing with these issues as well and harbors a lot of guilt. It's not that we can't talk about it, but I chose not to unless there is a particular circumstance that it affects. For example, any work function for her, I have striken off the list. There is not way out of pure humilation that I can ever attend another professional gathering of any kind. An instance like this has yet to arise, but I have already spoke of it. To make a long story short, I deal with it the best I can. I feel like I am a better person because of it, for me, not anyone else. I find myself trusting her even though I shouldn't. I am much more proud than this, but have chosen another route. If I were to let anyone else know, I know that they would say the exact opposite. I don't have an esteem issue, but actually do hold this woman in high regard. Maybe slightly less now, but the behavior is indicative of her past. Advice - thoughts???
Devil Inside Posted August 8, 2009 Posted August 8, 2009 Oh man brother...hard times are ahead. When I read the first post I though in my head..."she's having/had an affair." I know you have a laundry list of things that are going on with her family...but it seems the issue is she loved this other guy and now she is trying to figure out if she can love you the same way. I know where she is at. I recently ended an affair. I told my wife I loved her, but was not "in love with her." That phrase is used universally I'm finding out. Encourage her to seek counseling...get some too...then together. Good luck man. I feel for you. I have guilt for putting my wife through my selfishness.
Author OnceTrueLove Posted August 10, 2009 Author Posted August 10, 2009 I appreciate the advice. She has gone to counciling in the past. 6 sessions to be exact. I assumed that they were centered around her family at the time, but maybe not. The issue that I see with counciling is that she feels like she is smarter than the shrink - so she quit going. "She's not telling me anything I don't already know" type of quote. We probably need it, I may for sure after this. Is it wrong of me to feel like I have an out now??? Is is wrong of me to feel vengeful and feel like I have a free pass and be able to say "**** you - you did it." Those are the kind of thoughts that I can't help but feel. Not on a daily basis, but once in a while. I have had the chances and the opportunity, but never acted on the thought. Thanks for the ear.
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2009 Posted August 12, 2009 We probably need it, I may for sure after this. Is it wrong of me to feel like I have an out now??? Is is wrong of me to feel vengeful and feel like I have a free pass and be able to say "**** you - you did it." Those are the kind of thoughts that I can't help but feel. Not on a daily basis, but once in a while. I have had the chances and the opportunity, but never acted on the thought. Thanks for the ear. Wrong for you to feel this way? No. Unproductive? Yes. I don't get a sense from your post of what your W is doing to repair the damage an A causes. Other than dissing the counselor, what's her contribution? Mr. Lucky
Juliet34 Posted August 13, 2009 Posted August 13, 2009 I think she is stressed. Sometimes when I feel like that I start questioning everything in my life....going as far as moving away and not telling anyone and starting new. Of course I would never do that. But its all stress...be hopefull and like everyone else said...go on a trip...maybe somewhere she would like to go....
Author OnceTrueLove Posted August 20, 2009 Author Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks again for the responses. I agree - unproductive. As per working on the relationship??? Good question. I still feel like I am trying to improve and maybe I don't get the same from her. Just had her birthday - went to a wine tasting with some friends. Good night all in all. I believe that the situation is improving - but should probably sit down and have a serious discussion about it. Took a day trip to see another friend of ours (mine from high school) whom just had their first child. Anyway - this post is rambling and I need to come back with some more meat. Thanks again.
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