Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I fully understand... but it's just SUCH a hard obstacle for me. It's a curse. Once I'm in the door, things are great. I'm not perfect, but I have a lot to offer and I'm always willing to learn... the problem is just getting that damn door open!
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 IMO, don't let this incompatibility become a pattern for you. What's your biggest fear about being alone?
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 My biggest fear about being alone is that my shyness will overcome me and I'll be unable to form new relationships. It's SO hard for me to initiate contact with a woman. Everything's great once that hurdle is over, but meeting new people is a challenge for me.
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Challenges are events which incite fear. What is your fear of meeting new people? What is the fear of taking initiative? My biggest fear in those regards was one of rejection. Not in the global sense that one rejection made me worthless, but rather that act of rejection acting upon my emotions and the resultant feelings themselves, rather than their impact on my self esteem. Kinda like hitting my finger with a hammer. I'll survive and life will go on, but the pain (and resultant reminder of the pain in a black and blue finger) drove my caution. Now, imagine someone else having the hammer Examine these aspects of yourself, whatever they are. Your truth lies within them. Find it
minniezz Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Dude i had the same problem like you with my ex gf.But whatever means to comes just comes,i broke up with her,after 1 week of bad feelings,i feel a lot better,like the whole new world came to me. Break up or not its up to you.Just think if its worth it to keep going or quit it. Good luck.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 My biggest fear about being alone is that my shyness will overcome me and I'll be unable to form new relationships. It's SO hard for me to initiate contact with a woman. Everything's great once that hurdle is over, but meeting new people is a challenge for me. Okay, focus on what I highlighted instead of focusing on everything else. You want out of this relationship you are in- it's obvious. Don't stay because you want to change what can't be changed. Make the effort man. Experience should tell you that you ARE capable of finding someone new, it's just annoying to do so.
Els Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Wait, I'm still confused. Why did you get together with her again in the first place? Because you had noone else and you were afraid you could never get anyone else? Or did you guys really click in the past but she seems to be 'waning' now?
sean22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Just a thought, but she could be shy and introverted. I myself am really shy and introverted and it takes me a while to open up to people. I know ive been in conversation many times where ive had y interesting thoughts and ideas on the subject and i just dont say. I just think to myself, whats the point? Its like i don't find sharing my thoughts important. I find it easier just to keep them to myself. My last gf broke up with me after a month because she didn't like my personality. Well, atleast i think she didnt. She was also going overseas in a few months aswell though. I was still getting comfortable with her and this breakup made me become aware of it. I know i would have changed if i had longer to open up. I don't think shes seen the whole me yet but meh, what do you do? I guess it couldn't hurt to look up introversion and see if it has anything to do with it. Also, sorry if this has nothing to do with it, i just skimmed through the posts.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 We clicked at first but it's waning now that I am learning more and more about her. "My biggest fear in those regards was one of rejection. Not in the global sense that one rejection made me worthless, but rather that act of rejection acting upon my emotions and the resultant feelings themselves, rather than their impact on my self esteem. Kinda like hitting my finger with a hammer. I'll survive and life will go on, but the pain (and resultant reminder of the pain in a black and blue finger) drove my caution. Now, imagine someone else having the hammer" This is precisely my fear. Rejection does not make me feel like any less of a person, technically, since I know where my strengths and weaknesses lie, and therefore any rejection is either a form of information asymmetry or the fact that I simply don't fit their preferences for something (looks? personality? etc). It doesn't directly change who I am (unless I somehow got rejected countless times, which would probably indicate I was doing something wrong), as it's usually just a form of incompatibility. Bad people can be compatible, just like great people can be incompatible. Rejection just stings either way. When I see a girl I don't know yet and want to simply GET to know better, I have a sort of block. I either don't know what to say, don't know how to position myself, don't know where to look or how long to keep the conversation going, etc. For some reason all of these things disappear later after I know enough about people so that I can relax and have a conversation, as I then have a decent idea as to how they respond and what their personality/mind is like. I don't want to experience the force of a hammer if I know that, had I done something differently, I could have easily avoided it. But that kind of logic is useless, since I'll never know what the alternative outcome would have been. I'm too shy to risk getting emotionally blasted by a rejection, which is why I usually have to rely on girls coming up to me first and introducing themselves and showing some sign of interest. After that, it's ten times easier for me to grow a sack. It's like the first kiss... I have such a hard time being physical with people unless I see a clear indicator that it's okay to do so. After that, I'm extremely physical and absolutely love every part of it. Hell, even when I go outside, I like wearing sunglasses because I'm so shy, even if it's not that bright outside. I have a hard time looking new people in the eyes.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Alright guys, I need some help here. We had a conversation over AIM: Girlfriend: i'm bored Me: I'm just reading the news Girlfriend: niceeeeee Me: I'm not trying to be rude, but why are you bored all the time? There's so much to do Girlfriend: well it's like, i don't really know what to say. Girlfriend: i'm sorry for being so boring? Me: No, no, I'm just saying that if you are bored, why not do something else? Me: Lots of things to do/read/write about/draw/play with/learn/etc Girlfriend: i know there's tons to do but i don't want to do it. Me: why not? Girlfriend: i don't know. Me: Errr... you don't know? Girlfriend: ok. Me: Alright, I don't understand... Me: Why don't you want to? Girlfriend: i'm so used to just sitting in my room and doing nothing Me: It doesn't mean that's what you have to do though Girlfriend: but that's what i do. do you know how many people tell me im a boring person? Me: No, I don't. Girlfriend: alot. Me: What I see is a very cool person with a lot of talent that is choosing boredom instead Girlfriend: well since school let out i have nothing to do. Me: But I mean it's like that old Franklin quote about talent... "What's a sundial in the shade?" Girlfriend: :/ Girlfriend: that made me smile. haha. I just don't know what to do, now.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 So I got her into drawing a new piece of art to get her back into something, but she quit after 45 minutes. "I decided to give up." "Why? Is it hard?" "No." "Bored?" "Yeah."
Els Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I'm sorry, but you should tell her that it's bothering you. Not in the way you did... in a direct way. As in, 'It bothers me that you complain about being bored all the time , I disagree with your attitude because (insert reason here) and I feel that due to this, (insert its impact to your relationship)'. If nothing happens, I'm afraid this relationship really isn't for you.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Epsilon, sometimes you sound just as boring as she. You can keep experimenting on this doorknob of a chick, trying to get her to show life, but it's as useless as the five pages of advice we've already given you.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 How am I just as boring? That's a bit of a stretch. I have many interests and skills and a genuine intellectual curiosity for challenge and learning.
2sure Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 She is boring. Boring by choice. Eventually she will cultivate this into expecting others to entertain her if she hasn't already. She has nothing to offer. Soon, you will have a comfort level with this. Part of what makes up who we are are the things we do, the conversations we have, the people who are close to us. You will become boring by osmosis. I dont know, maybe its me , but I cannot even feign indifference at people I find boring/bored. I dont like them, I look down at them. To be honest...being bored to that degree smacks of a lack of intelligence
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 How am I just as boring? That's a bit of a stretch. I have many interests and skills and a genuine intellectual curiosity for challenge and learning. You are boring because you refuse to take charge and get what you want. You're passively waiting for this idiot to change. That's boring, but mostly just foolish. You will become boring by osmosis. True, and it's already happening.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 She is boring. Boring by choice. Eventually she will cultivate this into expecting others to entertain her if she hasn't already. She has nothing to offer. Soon, you will have a comfort level with this. Part of what makes up who we are are the things we do, the conversations we have, the people who are close to us. You will become boring by osmosis. I dont know, maybe its me , but I cannot even feign indifference at people I find boring/bored. I dont like them, I look down at them. To be honest...being bored to that degree smacks of a lack of intelligence It is. The problem is that I know she's good at certain things but it's annoying that she doesn't have a better attitude about it all. I've never really dumped anyone before either and I'd rather avoid that if it means I can make this work somehow. Maybe I am just scared to dump her?
torranceshipman Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 You can't be THAT dynamic and interesting...if you were, you wouldn't be dating a really boring chick. Boring is as boring does....so I'd suggest that unless you also want to turn into a boring whiney person, dump the girlfriend, and find someone who can equal you in intellectual curiosity, activity levels, and the like. Seriously dude if she is that boring why on earth are you still dating her? What the heck is the point?
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Apparently she's got a nice rack. As we all know, it's totally worth dealing with pea-brained five-year-olds if they throw you a BJ every couple weeks.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I've never really dumped anyone before either and I'd rather avoid that if it means I can make this work somehow. You CAN make it work. It just means more consoling, babying, catering to her whim, worrying about her little sad face, staying out of her way when she's mad, not talking about things you don't think she'd understand, suppressing your passion in conversation, and having painful, soul-sucking monosyllabic exchanges in which you find out how her lunch was. Oh, and it was probably a reallly borrrrring lunch.
Author Epsilon Posted July 9, 2009 Author Posted July 9, 2009 You CAN make it work. It just means more consoling, babying, catering to her whim, worrying about her little sad face, staying out of her way when she's mad, not talking about things you don't think she'd understand, suppressing your passion in conversation, and having painful, soul-sucking monosyllabic exchanges in which you find out how her lunch was. Oh, and it was probably a reallly borrrrring lunch. Hahahaha, this made me chuckle a bit But yes I am a pretty active person, but it doesn't mean I am outgoing when it comes to meeting girls. I like her because she's a very down-to-earth, sweet girl. I just worry about the whole "boring" aspect, and I worry that she's going to, at some point, rely strictly on me for her entertainment or get bored of me, or drive me crazy, whichever comes first. But if it's possible for these things to be avoided, I'd rather do that. I wonder if it's just a down time in her life due to family troubles. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt before I throw in the towel, but I'm just not sure what the best way is to get her to do something with her time.
torranceshipman Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 So what you're really saying is...she bores your ass off, but you don't want the headache of dumping her and finding another girlfriend
kizik Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 you don't want the headache of dumping her and finding another girlfriend As they say, any twat in a storm... Wait...
kizik Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 But if it's possible for these things to be avoided, I'd rather do that. It's statements like this that make me think you're boring and don't really care about how your life goes. IF it's possible, I'D RATHER do that. There's no passion or desire or motivation in anything you've said here, despite your protestations about how fun and interesting you are.
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