Author Epsilon Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 She's had a strained parental relationship for a long time and has battled depression, and she's told me that I have made her very happy. However, I still sense that intense negativity that you were alluding to, here. I just sent another convo: "Why are you two friends then? Boring people are so hard to talk to, and sexists are narrow-minded and tend to be pretty stubborn, don't you think?" "Cause I have not seen him in a long time"
lucy9216 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Kinda figured that was it just by what you were saying, but didn't want to ask too personal of questions You are doing the right thing though, keep being positive with her and when something goes bad for you try and show her how you are staying positive. When a situation like this may happen it will be good for her to see that just because everything does not go exactly how you want it to there is still plenty of things to be happy about. Try to help her figure out how to problem solve too, people who are negative tend to stress way toooooo much when a bad situation occurs and they just cannot think clearly, when this happens point out alternatives in order to get through any situations. Like I said you are doing the right thing, it sounds like she really needs a good positive person in her life and hopefully she will eventually pick up on your good vibe and take it on as her own too. Once she does I think she will be more open with you, I really hope she does. Sounds like you really like her otherwise you would not be in here asking these questions, some guys and girls would have just broken off the relationship.
Author Epsilon Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah she has told me that in the past she's either been cheated on or left. She is happy that I've stuck by her so far. However, I just am not sure how to best deal with this situation. If it's just a matter of getting her to open up, I'm okay with helping her through that. But if it's a genuine laziness or unwillingness to communicate or interact, that's another thing.
lucy9216 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 BTW, I do need to add that being in a relationship with someone like this is going to be a lot of work and effort on your part so you need to ask yourself if you are up to it? not saying you should just break this girls heart but there is more to this than her just being shy and the more this carries on with her acting this way and you staying with her and accepting this may lead her to beleive that you care for her just the way she is. So ya you need to ask yourself if you are ready for this kind of challenging relationship cause this one is not going to be an easy one.
Author Epsilon Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I live for challenge. I would just hope that she can hopefully open up and talk a bit more or find something interesting to take part in.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I'm going with boring. My mom made an interesting point, once - BORING people get bored easily. I'm not seeing much depth to this one and she expects you to entertain her, but can't really connect.
lucy9216 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 HAHA that is good then that you are up for a challenge cause this one is definatley going to be just that. Pick something that she is into that you are too, even if it is a T.V. Show make it a point to watch that show together and when it is over talk about it. Just keep persisting that you want to know more.
Author Epsilon Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 She seems to be talking a bit more... although I still wish she'd spend more time with hobbies or take interest in other subjects. Makes conversation hard because I don't want to just talk about myself.
bac Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Thing is she says she loves me VERY often, calls me baby/honey/etc and so I know she feels for me. I just can't figure out why she's so quiet. I am a girl. Ok, if she says smth , it does not mean anything definite. It is just her personality and habit. Look at what she does for you. Her actions are she does not want to share things with you. In fact, women love to share thoughts and feelings with men more than they love sex.
kizik Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 She sounds like a real pain in the a$s, and let's be honest, the only reason you're staying with her is b/c she's the "perfect" physical specimen that you mentioned. If this was a big girl, you would have dropped her like it's hot. I'm in a somewhat similar situation, though; been on two dates with a very cute girl who doesn't ask me anything about myself. I'm a musician and a writer and an interesting person, and it bothers me that she doesn't seem to give a crap about me or who I am as a person. Since I've only seen her twice now, I'm hoping she emerges from her shell (I'm giving her the "shy" benefit of the doubt here), but if she doesn't, I'll have to move on. I want someone who is interested in me.
Author Epsilon Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Hm, all very true points. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see how it goes.
Author Epsilon Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 An interesting observation: She recently updated her Facebook and it said this in her interests: "Art, going to shows, theater, playing the bass guitar, and my amazing boyfriend ________. I don't do much, I think I'm a pretty boring person." Sooo, make of that what you will.
lucy9216 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Sounds like maybe she thinks her own hobbies are boring, maybe that is why she does not spend enough time pursuing them. Tell her how intersting you think her hobbies are and you would like to get more involved with her and her hobbies, maybe then she wont think they are so boring because her amazing boyfriend like them as well.
girl68 Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am firm believer that people who are always bored are boring people. This will not change with time. I agree with this 100% no, 200% Shy has been brought up as an "excuse". There is no need to excuse her behaviour. She's just "boring", she expects you to bring entertainment to her life. And thus far you have. I'm sure when you talk she is actually entertained and occupied. So as far as she's concerned she's content. It's you that isn't fulfilled. That isn't going to change, not now, not ever. I stuck with a great guy who is EXACTLY like your gf. Good guy, nice, sweet, blah blah blah... do you know what he was dubbed? "Boring Bob". I hold nothing against him, he was just the most boring, "laid back" (aka boring) person I have ever met. And to me, (possibly you if this is buggin you so much) I need a connection. I need stimulus, I need conversation, I need stories, I need laughs. I need not boring people. Luckily for me, I've got one now. Advice? Stick it out for a week, see if things change (doubtful) but if they don't ditch her. Find someone who excites you just as much as you excites them.
Els Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 You said she wasn't always this way. How was she like before? What did you two talk about then? Did she maybe start dropping her hobbies when you two got together because you became the centre of her world, and that's WHY she got boring?
Author Epsilon Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Well we spent a lot of time talking about various preferences/interests (to which she brought up art/music/etc) but the thing is that she doesn't spend a whole lot of time making art or even playing her guitar even though her art is beautiful, in my opinion. Once we knew all the basics about each other we started getting into slightly deeper things, but I feel like her well ran dry in that department. This morning I asked her to teach me how to draw like she does/teach me guitar, saying she was much better than I was at those things and I wanted to learn. I am hoping that it'll indirectly get her back into the swing of things regardless of whether or not I actually turn out any good, haha. And no I don't think she's making me the center of her world -- I think she was always like this, because other people that have known this girl before I met her said similar things about her (that she's boring and doesn't do a whole lot). Part of me wonders if she's just not very confident about herself and doesn't believe in her abilities to some extent. I personally have a lot going on, and I don't say that to boast, but I mean that I know what it's like to have ruts in certain hobbies and I also know how to set goals and get back into hobbies and feel more confident. I am hoping that I can instill some of that into her so she'll feel a bit more passionate. I am just looking for ways to do it more directly. And I mean, I care for her and I do feel like she's got talent but just isn't using it. I want to be able to talk to her about hew newest art piece or some new music she's been practicing, etc, things of that nature. Something that's more stimulating than "Nothing" or "TV."
Author Epsilon Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 Now I just don't know. I tried talking to her about the Michael Jackson memorial this morning. She watched it all and so I asked about her thoughts on it. "It was long, boring, and sad." Honestly, I got a bit pissed but I replied: "Boring!? Baby, what DOESN'T bore you?! Haha... I thought it was a very thoughtful tribute, even though I only caught part of it... etc etc" "I thought it was good that they prayed at the end" And so it goes...
Els Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Ahh. I think you should talk to her openly about this. Tell her, not that you feel she's boring, but that you feel like you're the only one making all the effort to get a conversation going. I've had a few weeks of this with my bf, but when I mentioned it to him he told me that he was going through a lot of stress with his course (damn men and their compulsion to hide their troubles!), and he's proven that without such problems he's fully capable of being that witty guy whom I fell in love with in the first place. So maybe she has a reason. And I wouldn't put much stock in friends' opinions IMO, unless they're really close friends. Most of my acquaintances/friends don't know 90% of me, even my close ones don't know the full extent of my interests and the things I do. Some people are just like that, and if she really is shy she probably would be too.
Author Epsilon Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 The only rough spot I can think of is her family, as she does not get along well with her mother at all and frequently complains. However what bothers me is the constantly bored/pessimistic attitude. I feel like life has so many interesting things to ponder and talk about, and I worry that she doesn't actually find any of it appealing. Thing is, if it looked like things were going to continue down this route, I don't know how I'd break it to her. I'd rather TALK to her about it first and at least try to see if she'd be willing to take interest in some things, but on the other hand I don't want her to be someone she's not. But if she has the potential to become more interested in her passions and to start talking about things, I'd love it.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Ugh, I don't know why you'd subject yourself to this. I think it's like Kiz said- you stay because you like her physical looks. I's strangle myself if I had to spend 3 minutes with a person like this- but 3 months! Whoa! No way! I'd say she is as negative as she is boring. She doesn't sound like she has anything positive to say about anything- I don't see how this experience can be positive for you. You sound like you spend all your energy on trying to "fix" her... She sounds more like a project than a gf.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 you stay because you like her physical looks. OP, you need a girl like D-Lish... looks and brains.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Unfortunately I'm far too shy to venture out. That's my main flaw. It's very, very hard for me to meet new women, but when I do I tend to have pretty good luck.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 OP, you need a girl like D-Lish... looks and brains. You're the best! Thanks;) Unfortunately I'm far too shy to venture out. That's my main flaw. It's very, very hard for me to meet new women, but when I do I tend to have pretty good luck. Fear of not finding anyone else isn't a good reason to stay in a situation that isn't working for you! The first few months is when you should be feeling awesome in your relationship. I think you're trying too hard to force intimacy with a person that you don't have chemistry with because you like the way she looks. I'm not sensing a whole lot of depth to this person (from what little you have said)- and you are obviously sensing the same thing. A relationship like this will just become frustrating if you keep trying to connect on a deeper level and she can't respond. I don't think it's that she doesn't want to- just that she isn't capable. Some people live on the surface of life like that. You can teach someone how to connect to themselves and the world around them in a more meaningful way, but as I said before- it's a huge undertaking. Look, I think you have to look at it this way- you deserve to have that deeper connection you desire, so don't settle or sell yourself short.
Author Epsilon Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I guess I just don't know where to look. I know the standard "join clubs/get involved/etc" answers. As a recent college graduate, though, I feel like dating has become 10x harder. I'm not into the bar scene, and I'm already very naturally shy. Many girls find it cute because I open up pretty quickly, but the initial approach/first week or so is hell for me and I have such an aversion to it.
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I guess you have to decide what is worse- staying where you are at (unsatisfied), or challenging yourself to face something that causes you discomfort- but may lead to happiness. If your ultimate goal is happiness- you may have to tackle a few obstacles to get there.
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