My girlfriend is either boring or shy

[Epsilon]

My girlfriend and I are in our early 20's and we haven't been going out long (a few months maybe). I find that no matter how I talk to her -- in person, on the phone, text message, etc, it's damn near impossible to get a word out of her.

 

I'll ask her about her day and she will give me the shortest answers ever with no elaboration. If I bring up an interesting topic that I'd like to discuss with her, she usually replies with "Cool" or "Haha yeah" or something to that effect. She's usually constantly bored herself, and always complains to me that she's feeling bored.

 

The problem is that I am finding it increasingly difficult to connect with her. On the phone, for instance, the conversation will be dead silent unless I start talking about something or asking her questions. Her responses range anywhere from a nervous laugh and silence, or a 4-second answer.

 

I can't tell if this girl is just extremely shy or if she's boring and doesn't have much dimension to her character.

[Els]

How did you get together in the first place, and why did you decide to?

 

The problem for most people is that there's nothing to talk about after a long time.

 

In your case there never seems to have been anything to talk about. So why did you even get together with her?

[Epsilon]

I feel like there are ALWAYS things to talk about. But I can't seem to stimulate her discussion, no matter what I ask.

 

We used to talk a lot more often, and it feels like she's run out of things to talk about or something. I've always got stuff going on in my life, and I am always asking her questions about hers. Thing is, she isn't doing a whole lot, and during the times that she is, she doesn't say much to me about them. It's like trying to draw blood or something.

 

Thing is she says she loves me VERY often, calls me baby/honey/etc and so I know she feels for me. I just can't figure out why she's so quiet.

[TaraMaiden]

Try asking open-ended questions - ones that require more than a 'yes', 'no', or a giggle.

 

Open ended questions start with HOW, WHEN, WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHY.

Any question prefaced by one of these can't be responded to in one word.

 

How would you feel about.....?

When shall we get together....?

Who would you like to invite to dinner....?

What shall we do this weekend?

Where would you like to go for Christmas?

...and of course -

Why the hell do you not talk to me more?

[Epsilon]

Try asking open-ended questions - ones that require more than a 'yes', 'no', or a giggle.

 

Open ended questions start with HOW, WHEN, WHO, WHAT, WHERE and WHY.

Any question prefaced by one of these can't be responded to in one word.

 

How would you feel about.....?

When shall we get together....?

Who would you like to invite to dinner....?

What shall we do this weekend?

Where would you like to go for Christmas?

...and of course -

Why the hell do you not talk to me more?

 

LOL!

 

Believe me though, I try to ask as many open-ended questions as I can that warrant more than a yes/no answer. However her responses are still short. For instance:

 

"Did you hear about the Korean missile launches the other day? What do you think?" "I don't know, scary"

 

"What's your friend like?" "She's cool."

 

"Why do you want to be a doctor when you get older?" "I just do, I guess."

 

"Yeah, I have a few dogs myself. I've always thought they were really fun to play with." "*short, quiet laugh*"

 

Like, it just boggles me that she has absolutely nothing to say. Conversations either go on in this way or it's literally just silence.

[pandagirl]

I hate to say this, but how have you dated this girl for months when you are bored!?

 

She must have interests -- play to those and ask her questions about her hobbies or things she is passionate about.

[Epsilon]

It's only been maybe two months. This has just been an issue for the past few weeks or so.

 

Believe me, I try, but she doesn't seem to have any hobbies or passions. She does very little with her day other than watch TV, go on the computer, or go with her family somewhere (and then somehow have nothing to say about her experiences).

 

I find it a tad frustrating.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let's stop a minute here.

 

Where do you therefore see this going?

 

How much of a chance to open up are you going to give her, before it seems that hitting your head against a wall might actually be a painless option by comparison?

[Epsilon]

I'm giving it another two weeks at best, I'd say, although I feel bad for putting a time to it like that, but that feels reasonable to me.

 

How can I politely tell her I'd like for her to say more?

[butcher's hook]

I am firm believer that people who are always bored are boring people.

 

This will not change with time.

[lovelorcet]

How can I politely tell her I'd like for her to say more?

 

You can't change how people are... You can either accept her or reject her...

[Epsilon]

I mean she tells me she likes to draw, likes to watch certain types of movies (anime, which I also know quite a bit about), she enjoys buying new clothes, playing with her dogs, etc. But I just feel like no matter what subject I delve into, I can't get anything from her. Many of her so-called "hobbies" she doesn't really spend a whole lot of time with, and every time I ask her what's up, I just guess "Nothing" or "Watching TV."

[butcher's hook]

I mean she tells me she likes to draw, likes to watch certain types of movies (anime, which I also know quite a bit about), she enjoys buying new clothes, playing with her dogs, etc.

 

Well at least we know she makes it out of bed.

 

 

But I just feel like no matter what subject I delve into, I can't get anything from her. Many of her so-called "hobbies" she doesn't really spend a whole lot of time with, and every time I ask her what's up, I just guess "Nothing" or "Watching TV."

 

 

I mean c'mon she doesn't have to have a ton of hobbies to be interesting but the idea she has nothing to talk about ever is the sure sign that she is a completely boring person.

 

She says "nothing" every time you ask her what she is doing? (I cringe at that sorry)

[butcher's hook]

If you really like her get her to talk about the things she likes. Ask her about the anime ask her questions about her art, take special interest in that. The thing is that will only get you so far.

 

I just don't see how you can get her to be someone she simply is not. She sounds extremely simple some people like that, guess you are not one of those people..

[Brady_to_Moss]

If your allready bored with her after 2 months...whats going to happen a few years down the line?

[Epsilon]

Well at least we know she makes it out of bed.

 

 

 

 

 

I mean c'mon she doesn't have to have a ton of hobbies to be interesting but the idea she has nothing to talk about ever is the sure sign that she is a completely boring person.

 

She says "nothing" every time you ask her what she is doing? (I cringe at that sorry)

 

Yes, 99% of the time it's always "Nothing" or "Bored"

 

Call me crazy but usually if someone's always bored, it's because nothing interests them or something, and that usually leads to lack of passions and therefore a lack of, well, being interesting.

[lucy9216]

I personally just think she is shy. I am now 29 but in my early 20's I was very shy myself and the way you are describing this girl sounds very much like the way I used to be and yes she is shy and very insecure of herself. I think she gives you short answers and does not elebarate on any discussions in fear of you judging her or not liking her because of what she has to say.

 

It took me years to get over my own insecurities and shyness but it also took me being comfortable in my own skin in which I now am. So with your girl friend I really don't know if there is much you can do to help her to open up, if you really like her then you can try maybe with getting involved with one of her hobbies with her and ask her alot of questions, maybe you can even fill her on some stuff she didn't know too, or act really stupid or uneducated about one of her hobbies and ask her to explain it to you in laimines terms.

 

If it is a huge turn off for you though you may need to move on and when you do it will be a huge lessson for her in developing into who she is and being comfortable with herself.

[Epsilon]

How can I get her to elaborate more? I try to ask her questions and she just seems to never elaborate on her own.

 

If she doesn't how can I drop her a hint that I'd like to hear more without being too rude or mean to her? I don't want to hurt her feelings.

[WARREN86]

man, that sucks. communication is one of the biggest thing to making a relationship to work. it sounds like your relationship is heading south. sorry to be the barrier of bad news, but it's true.

 

me and this girl that i'm in love with can talk on the phone for hours... our problem is that we don't know when to say goodbye. lol.

[lucy9216]

Hmmmm.... I know it is difficult because I can tell you have been trying with her to open up and it is hard to force someone to do something that they are just not willing or wanting to do.

 

Speaking from my experience and being this type of person in the past I am 95% positive it is her own insecurities and her fear of you judging her or not likeing her for who she really is. So the best option I could try to give for you if you would like to help her get past this is to help her with feeling good about herself. You could point out little things about her that may be different about and she may constantly stress over how she is not perfect, so point out how much you like these little things. For example say she has brown hair and she wants to dye it blonde, tell her that you really like her natural beauty and you love brown hair. Or if she is small breasted tell her that you don't like big breasts. I think I may be rambling now but I think you kinda get the point, once she is happy with herself and knows you like her for her along with any and all imperfections I think she will be comfortable with you. You could even just flat out tell her that you want to know more about her and your just tired of doing all of the talking too, that may be a bit of a wake up call for her if she really likes you and I think she does.

 

This may be a lot of work for someone you have only dated for a few months so it is really up to you and how far you intend on taking this relationship.

[Epsilon]

Thing is, physically I find her amazing. She's like an ideal body type with great hair/eyes/smile/frame/etc. Everything's great except for this darn communication problem, haha.

 

When you are feeling insecure, do compliments help or make things worse? Sometimes when I compliment her she just says something like "Noooo" or "Eww!"

[likeORIGAMI]

Have you ever considered the possibility that she's bored of you?

[lucy9216]

Yup! just by that comment with her saying "Nooooo" or "eww" she is really insecure and compliments will not make this any worse it should help but the problem is that she really needs to beleive it and obviously she doesent and that really sucks. Being insecure or having lack in confidence can bring a relationship down really bad. The best I could say is when she says eww or noo just reply kinda flirtingly I guess by saying something like your crazy you are beautiful, why don't you beleive that? when you ask her this just watch you are prolly going to get a huge laundry list of everything she hates about herself.

 

As far as the conversation goes to this like I said has alot to do with her lack of confidence and insecurities but really pick a hobby that she likes that you really like too and get really involved in it with her and when she gives you short answers and you want more tell her. Say really that is interesting tell me more or something to that nature, you can persist to get her to open up more without being rude. You can even tell her that you want her to elaborate more without being rude. You could say something like I really enjoy talking with you but I really want to know more about you, I feel like you may have a difficult time openning up to me. That may be one of the nicer ways to let her know that this does bother you without upsetting her.

[Epsilon]

She doesn't find me boring -- she's told me many times she likes that I am an interesting person. I have a very active life and I'm always trying to interact with her.

 

Here's a recent conversation from some text messages I exchanged with her just a few minutes ago:

 

Her: "I'm hungry"

Me: "Go eat some Japanese food?"

"I'm at a Chinese restaurant"

"That's always good too What are you getting?"

*later*

"Some chicken. I'm bored."

"How can you be bored? Eating is like the best part of the day!"

"The food isn't that great."

"Aw, I'm sorry... maybe get something else?"

"It's just not the same as Japanese food. And I am so glad you don't act like him."

"Huh? Act like who?"

"My friend."

"Which friend?"

"James."

"Alright but HOW, haha, you gotta elaborate here"

"He's so boring and chomps his food and it's annoying."

"Aw, don't say that about your friends"

"No, he's really into being male and and it's annoying. And he's a jerk."

"Into being male? Boring? What do you mean?"

"Sexist. He does not talk."

"Maybe he's just insecure?"

"I don't know. Something. But I am going home now."

 

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

I feel like replying, "Normally, you don't talk either" but that would be mean.

[lucy9216]

WOW, that is an interesting text messaging conversation and yeah maybe she should see him as an example to herself. She sounds really negative too, no disrespect though I can tell too by the way you respond to her that you are trying but she is really negative and usually people that act that way have trouble finding or realizing the things in life that are good and do make them happy. Bad things happen to everyone but you can't let that bring you down, everyone still needs to notice all of the good things in life too. Like she could notice that her food isn't that good but something else looks really good so she may go exchange her food for some yummy chow mein or whatever.