broken_promises Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Been a while since I posted, but the inevitable breakup finally happened between my b/f and I. The breakup process lasted about a month in all, and I officially left/moved just over a week ago. He said that we'd talk the night I left, but he didn't call and I didn't call him. The one and only time I checked in on his Facebook crush's public profile was from that first night when he didn't call and they both posted a bunch of flirtatious stuff back and forth on her wall. The only contact we have had is a single email that he sent to me that had some old photos he downloaded and sent from his cell phone and a semi-lame message saying things were "so-so" for him and thanking me (get this) for making this "sad and depressing, instead of angry and frustrating." I did not reply. Here's the thing... I've been doing SO well. I mean, I have been thinking about and preparing for and going through a month long breakup while still with the ex (with tears and talks and depression, etc.) that once I left, it was like a giant weight lifted. Something "clicked" when he didn't reach out to call me and talked to his Facebook crush that night instead. It was like a lightbulb went off and I was like, "Oh, he is totally over talking to me and is moving on." It was painful to read what they wrote to each other (as it had been whenever I looked at her page over the month breakup) but I realized that I was just giving myself more pain if I continued looking, so I haven't at all. I didn't even miss him, really. I did, of course, but being in a new apartment and having friends nearby again was sooo helpful. I did cry and stuff, but nothing like I expected. And I really, REALLY didn't expect to have NC be so easy and so NATURAL, because normally I am the girl who drags out breakups forever, has breakup sex even after they are seeing someone new, etc. As I said, we were not planning NC but it just felt like the right thing for me to last week. Well, in the past two days, things have started to take a downward turn. The urge to reply to his email or contact him is getting stronger. I'm starting to focus on the anger and hurt about him talking to this girl. I'm missing having a partner... it is hard to get used to not having someone to be there after 3-1/2 years. I hate thinking that I meant that little to him that he doesn't even need to talk to me... that he just so easily moved on. I guess I'm just upset that I feel like I was doing SO well and now these urges and obsessions are creeping in. I want to stay strong and not succumb to them. I know the worst thing I could do for my sanity would be to look at the crush's Facebook again or call him to engage in conversation. I mean, it is evident that if he wanted to talk to me, he would... which means - duh - he doesn't want to talk to me. And his break of NC with the one email was so lacking in content, that again - responding to it does not seem to be an option. (Although I do wonder if I should reply out of politeness/to be cordial, but I don't think so.) Anyway - I guess I'm just looking for advice at this point of how to deal when you thought you were doing well with the breakup and NC. I really hate breakups and I'm sick of going through this already - I just want to be moved on! (I know, it takes time... which I also hate.)
fani Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I'm definatly not the best person to be replying. Everybody has been telling me just go for NC as it will help imensly, but I just can't. He is all that I want and need, above the romantic relationship, he is my best friend. I think you have to decide whether he is actually worth it. If he has found it so easy to not talk to you, then his feeling may not have been there for a long time, and so the actual offical breakup happened a while after he felt broken up with you. On the other hand (and I'm sorry if this fills you with false hope) he may be finding it very hard too. His friends may have told him to not contact you, that it will be easier for him if he jut threw himself at someone else instead. You said you've been together for 3 and a half years, then there is a possibility that this Facebook crush is a rebound. He may feel like you have really left a big whole in him, and he needs to fill it. If this is so, he may realise that no body else will be able to fill or heal it. You need to decide if you are going to fight for him, or if, because the breakup took a long time to go through, that this is what you want too. Deciding whether you want him back or not I think would help you either keep NC or start fighting for him.
Author broken_promises Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 Thanks fani, and yes - I never thought I would be doing the NC thing at all. It has helped immensely because it keeps you from piling more hurt on top of the hurt of the breakup. I never thought that was true, but then again - this breakup wasn't typical at all. I did have the contact/closure but it was because we were slowly breaking up (not a "I'm breaking up with you, goodbye" thing) and were still living together and talking and having sex. Again, this is what I feel like I need to finish out a relationship and I did get what I wanted with this one, which I am grateful for. We both had sort of "checked out" of the relationship for about 9 months and we both had been thinking about breaking up for a while. (At least, I know I had.) So, no... there is no desire to get back together. I know that there were things about us that were incompatible (in terms of what we both wanted out of life, how we saw relationships, etc.) I'm not even sure WHY I want to talk or email him. Or why, after a week, I am back fixated on the Facebook girl. Maybe it was because of July 4th and it was the first sort of public thing I went to (two BBQs) where I was single? I think I started thinking about if/when he starts taking this Facebook girl to things or if he is loving going out with all of these old high school friends from Facebook. And, of course, the sort of slap in the face that having him not call gives. Anyway - thanks for the reply... sorry for all the rambling!
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 You didn't deal with the end of the relationship at first. That's why you were "doing so well". These "obsessions" and other things, are just you now accepting and dealing with the facts at last. You "ran" only so far before your problems caught back up. You were shocked and traumatized that your ex was talking to someone new already. That lightbulb that went off in your head, was the lightbulb of shock or trauma, and it blocked you from dealing at first, to protect you. This doesn't mean you're weak, doesn't mean you're an idiot, doesn't mean you're selfish. It is most likely a defense mechanism, but now you're dealing at last. Expect lots of pain to come. You can't keep running from your problems. THEY ALWAYS CATCH UP.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 my ex went over a guys house the next night after we broke up i am completely crushed and since checking her phone records she calls him a lot and he calls like at 1 in the morning and they take for 20 mins plus so i hurts me a lot to know that she is seeing someone and potentially sleeping with him into a month of our breakup. it is obvious that she doesnt really care about me and she just wants to do her thing without any consequences so...i try not to look but curosity befalls upon me but i am trying. Just try to move forward cuz it is obvious that he isnt thinkin about u then he doesnt deserve ur love and affection.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 hrtbrk, you have a horrible horrible ex. She should be ashamed of herself, and one day she'll be desperate to get a guy like you back
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 the funny thing she doesnt think she did anything wrong. technically yeah we are not together so she can be with anyone she wants but she has been keepin in contact with this guy for yrs and she has slept with him b4 we got together. i told her to stop talkin to him but she hasnt. i dont know y she did(cuz she likes him i guess) but i am still n love with her but i wont take her back unless she changes and figure out what she truly wants. we both need space from each other but i feel as if i am changing for the better and she couldnt really give a shyt. I realize that she doesnt really care for me and she said she wasnt in love with me i guess that is how the transition was so fluid from one person to the next but u know she did that with me too she had a husband b4 and they were separated then we got up i guess i was the rebound....funny how life is. i am sooo hurt love is pain pain is love.
Recommended Posts