Hollyblue Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 For the past year I have been working out of town - 4 hours away. I work for 6 days in a row and then I am home for a week. I have a daughter who is 15 and my husband has been her dad since she was 1. I have a stepdaughter who is 18 and a stepson who is 14, they have lived with us for the past two years. Since they have been with us the relationship with my husband has not been the same. The stepdaughter has done unspeakable things and has been given rules she must follow. My husband keeps her to these rules when I am home, but when I leave she basically calls the shots and does what she wants, then when I go back home I have to try to enforce the rules and my husband only backs me up when I request it. She shows no respect to me and yells at me and is only nice when she wants something. My daughter did not do good in school the first year the other kids lived with us, this past year she did very well and even made up the classes from the year before during night school. She asked if she could get her nose pierced and I saw no problem with it but my husband said absolutely not and would not talk about it. I took my daughter with me when I went back to work and called him from the piercing shop and asked if she could do it. He said just do whatever you want, so I let her get her nose pierced. When I returned home he yelled at me every day and when he was done yelling he would tell me he was done yelling and it is a done deal and he was sorry for being an ass. Then the next day he would start all over. He would tell me "Isnt it time for you to go back to work yet, why dont you leave". So after hearing this for 5 days I did go back 2 days early. After I left, he called me and told me that my daughter better not come to the house and find somewhere to stay because she went against his wishes! I told him that I am a parent too and that she had permission and how dare he try to kick her out when his daughter gets away with much worse. He said that is old news and dont bring it up. I told him we should probably get counseling because he takes everything I say wrong and we need to learn how to communicate. He told me he is done talking and to draw up divorce papers. I left him alone for a couple of days, and now we have been talking on the phone but only small talk. He used to always tell me he loves me before hanging up and send me cute texts. He has not said he loves me and no texts. I asked him if he still loves me and he said he loves me but I show him no respect and he is pretty much done. I am so confused, I dont know if I should try to work this out or just call it a day. He wants to control everything, and treats me like I am one of the kids. Please help!
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Hollyblue, I'm so sorry all of you are going through this. I'm been in marital counseling and it is HARD WORK to get back on track. Only you can know for sure, but it doesn't sound as if there is enough there -- love, respect, desire, compassion, understanding, forgiveness. Particularly his attitude towards "your" daughter gives me the creeps. I'd want to get her out of that environment before it destroys her soul -- guessing her self-esteem and self-confidence has long ago been compromised. In your shoes, it just sounds like I'd call it a day and get my daughter to a loving and an emotionally safe place. But I don't know. Only you know. Have you considered individual counseling, and therapy for "your" daughter? EDIT: There is a book 'How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It' by Love and Stosny -- I just started reading it, and it looks promising. Another, recommended by a couples' counselor is, 'Hold Me Tight' by Sue Johnson. Maybe either/both are worth a try, or can help you gain clarity?
Biggie25x Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I agree with Ronni, this is an unhealthy place for your daughter to be. You have no idea what he does or how he treats her when you are gone. I almost never recommend splitting up but in this case I think you should have all your options on the table. I would think long and hard if this is a relationship you want to be in. If it's not it sounds like you have a job a little bit away. Maybe moving there is a good thing. Only you can judge that but how about asking your daughter what she thinks too.
Author Hollyblue Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Ronni - for all the things you listed love, desire, compassion, etc... your right it seems that there is none of that left. He says he wants me to respect him, but I think to him respect means being subservient. Respect and everything else goes both ways. I have been trying for a long time, but it cant be a one way street. Biggie - I have talked to my daughter about this and she pretty much wants me to leave him, but doesnt want to move because she doesnt want to leave her friends and boyfriend. I try to tell her that it would be nice if we could have the best of both worlds, but I cannot afford the mortgage on my house and rent where I work on my own. There are no positions available where I live and I have 2 years left on my contract where I am at. My sister might be able to move into my house with my daughter and pay half the mortgage, but that is a maybe. After this trip back to work, he has pretty much stopped calling me and didnt even call to say how the kids liked the fireworks. He does work but I pay most of the bills and he has it pretty much made. My next question is how do I go about doing this? His truck is in both of our names and I dont know how to get him to leave without a huge fight.
Ronni_W Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Hugs, Holly. I would suggest that you consult a divorce attorney. Even if you're not yet 100% sure what you'll ultimately choose to do, making your assessments and decisions can be easier when you're not also wondering/worrying about the legal side of things. Totally agree with you that 'positive and uplifting' is a 2-way street. I'm always amused by people who want/expect/demand respect (or empathy, understanding, support, etc.) and appear not to have the foggiest notion that they have to GIVE those things in order to get them. Your daughter is old enough to be able to understand that leaving him necessarily means a change in lifestyle and circumstances. If necessary, enlist the help of an aunt, grandma or pastor to talk with her -- at that age, sometimes we can easier take on board and understand what other grown-ups are saying. (My mom and I laugh about stuff like that now, 35 years later: "Why, when aunt Betty told you the SAME thing I told you, you got what she said but acted like I was talking Greek?" All I can say is, "I have NO idea, Ma! Rite of passage, I guess." ) Wishing you the best.
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