bridgett83 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I've been married for almost three years. After about six months, I started to have strange feelings about my husband not being faithful. It took me almost 8 months of "letting the little things go" to realize that I was right all along. He was cheating. With the mother of his son, his ex of all people. It's been a year and a half since I found out about it and I still feel just as heart broken as I was the day I was told about it, by her. I stayed with him hoping things would work out, I do love him after all. I've tried counciling, therepy, hipnosis, pshycics, and medication. Nothing eases my pain. If anyone has advice or ideas that may help, please let me know. If you cheated, help me to understand why. If you're in my position, how did or are you dealing with it?
Athena Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Bridgett, people recover from Infidelity (or not) at different rates. Some kick the cheater out immediately and others give them another chance. But everyone experiences tremendous pain from the betrayal. I think you are hurting as much as anyone could. You must be taking to heart what his cheating says about YOU, but that is simply not true. It's not a reflection of you and your worth... it is a reflection of him as a man, and how his boundaries are weak, and his word is 'flexible'. He needs to work on HIS weaknesses -- and with that, I want to ask you, what has HE done to 'move on ahead?' You mentioned all the things you have done to make this right, but what has your Husband done? After all, you cannot control him, nor his future actions... he is going to have to want to change... tell us what has he been doing, saying, has he expressed remorse and regret? Has he seen your pain? Is he doing all that he can to make this up to you and to instill the Trust again (which he broke)? Has HE gone to counseling? Do tell.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I think it's 50/50 - you forgive but don't forget. I've long ago moved on and forgiven my Ex, but 20+ years later can still remember what it felt like. IMHO, that's the hardest thing to get past... Mr. Lucky
beesue Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I too am going through the same thing, and have the same questions. It was very heartbreaking when I found out he was cheating on me. Now that I've tried to let things go and work things out, things have been great, the only thing is....is that I will be doing things around the house , showering, driving, etc.. and I get these flashbacks, and wonder why he'd ever done this, and still so many questions I want to ask him, but too scared because I don't know if I could handle it to really know everything that happened. It makes me feel angry with him I could slap him across the face, even though we are getting along just fine. It is so hard to deal with I know. It will never go away I know this and accepted the fact. It is a scar literally that you will notice more when it's fresh, but as the years go by you'll think about it less, but it will always be there and it sucks. I wish I had the answers to deal with it better too. I thought that leaving him would take the pain away
Reggie Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 No one forgets this. The folks that stay together and do alright, just accept that it will never be the same. It is a big sacrifice, as I think we all look around and envy the untainted relationships. It makes you look at relationships differently, more of a cost benefit analysis vs a romantic thing. Some folks just cannot give up the dream of an untainted relationship. It is a very big loss. I think time and effort mitigate the loss, as they do all losses. But, I on't think anyone looks at their spouse quite the same way, again. The cheaters regret this, as well, but they brought it into their lives.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 No one forgets this. The folks that stay together and do alright, just accept that it will never be the same. It is a big sacrifice, as I think we all look around and envy the untainted relationships. It makes you look at relationships differently, more of a cost benefit analysis vs a romantic thing. Some folks just cannot give up the dream of an untainted relationship. It is a very big loss. I think time and effort mitigate the loss, as they do all losses. But, I on't think anyone looks at their spouse quite the same way, again. The cheaters regret this, as well, but they brought it into their lives. As one of those "folks that stay together"...I'd disagree with the general thought in this post. We don't "sacrifice"...or at least...my wife and I most certainly did not. If you truly do put the time and effort and work into rebuilding your marriage, it CAN RECOVER. Not all of them do...but those that do don't all end up like Reggie described here. I do not look at my wife and see a cheater...I don't look at her and think of what happened in the past. I think that those who believe that this is how a recovered marriage 'survives' are looking at it through where they ended their marriage. And honestly, I suspect that there's a bit of "sour grapes" in there somewhere as well. From personal experience, I can absolutely say that neither of us "sacrificed" or "settled" to keep our marriage. It's a choice that we made...and neither of us are "stuck" with that choice. If things weren't good...either of us ALWAYS have the option of divorce, just like anyone else does. To the OP: The question about what your H is doing to repair/rebuild the damage he's done is on the money. All the counseling, all the prescriptions in the world won't help if he's not putting forth the effort and making the changes that need to be made. Even then, there's no garauntee...for some, there simply is no marital recovery after an affair. Either the WS (wayward spouse) simply isn't capable of understanding and making the changes needed, or the WS is unable to forgive the damage done. What is your H doing to repair the damage he's done?
Spark1111 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yes Owl, I agree that the relationship we are having today is ten times the relationship we had pre-affair. My WS is working very hard to be a better man and I respect that. But, yes, Reggie, I too agree with you. I am frequently melancholy that the former relationship I thought we had will forever be tainted by his affair. And yes, I do look around at other relationships and wish I and my children had NEVER had to experience this. We really did not deserve it. Truly, who does????
Dexter Morgan Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 forgive? yes. difficult and sometimes rare to truly forgive, but yes, its possible. forget? never.
65tr6 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 The folks that stay together and do alright, just accept that it will never be the same. It is a big sacrifice, as I think we all look around and envy the untainted relationships. Why would you ever want it to be the same as before ? You want to learn from it and grow as a human being. Affairs are extremely hurtful but what about marriages that suck like hell because couples fight most of/all the time ? They are ok because they are less "tainted" ? With all due respect Reggie, you are giving affairs way too much respect than they deserve. OP, my advice, it is hard but stop feeling sorry for yourself. Focus on yourself. Change for the better. Learn from this. You will be in a relationship that is much better than ever before. Let me warn you though, it is lot of work.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 The fact that affairs are egregious abuse does not preclude the concept that other abuses in the marriage suck, as well. I was not saying that going back to an abusive marriage is preferable. Simply meant that now one has concrete proof that their partner is capable of betraying them, whereas before they did not. So, one cannot go back to that innocent beleif.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 The fact that affairs are egregious abuse does not preclude the concept that other abuses in the marriage suck, as well. I was not saying that going back to an abusive marriage is preferable. Simply meant that now one has concrete proof that their partner is capable of betraying them, whereas before they did not. So, one cannot go back to that innocent beleif. I would agree, but I've pretty much believed that it goes just a hair further than that... They now know that ANYONE is capable of betraying them...their partner, the next person they end up with...if the person that they trusted the most can do so...then the NEXT person they trust the most certainly can do the same. It's not 'that person' that suddenly is capable...it's ANYONE you get involved in a relationship with. We all live in that "blind trust" when we're first married...right up until that blind trust is broken. After that...we're now know that we're NEVER perfectly safe again. I truly believe that my wife learned a horrible, painful lesson, just as I did. I honestly completely believe that she's LESS likely to ever cheat on me again than someone who's never been through it in some fashion. She 'suffered the consequences'...and learned from her poor choices. There's no garauntee that 'the next person' will have done so. My wife is no greater a risk now than someone else. Now...if it were to happen AGAIN...I'd completely agree with that assessment if it pertained to a SERIAL cheater.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Owl, I do not agree with the concept that anyone and everyone is capable of cheating. Perhaps you meant that in selecting a partner, no one is capable of discerning with 100% accuracy the character of their partner. But, I firmly beleive there are many people in this world who would not cheat under any circumstances. Finding them among the pretenders is a difficult and , perhaps , impossible task.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 My wife cheated, I SHALL NEVER FORGET. Join the club. You are normal, unlobotomized.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Owl, I do not agree with the concept that anyone and everyone is capable of cheating. Perhaps you meant that in selecting a partner, no one is capable of discerning with 100% accuracy the character of their partner. But, I firmly beleive there are many people in this world who would not cheat under any circumstances. Finding them among the pretenders is a difficult and , perhaps , impossible task. I would agree. I'm one of those people that would never cheat. But you never truly "KNOW" 100% that same truth about anyone else other than yourself...many people don't even know themselves that well. You run the risk of being cheated on in ANY relationship you have. You can never know for 100% certain that the person you chose to be with won't cheat on you...regardless of what they tell you, what they've been through, etc... We've seen tons of threads on LS where a former BS ends up being a WS, etc... There's no way to know for certain. So what makes staying with someone whom you truly believe 'learned a painful lesson' any more risky than starting a brand new relationship with someone you don't know nearly as well? Doing so isn't "settling", it's not "sacrificing"...it's making a choice. It's no better or worse than divorcing and looking for someone else. Now...sticking with someone who doesn't show remorse, doesn't take active measures to change the behaviors that led them to cheat, who doesn't believe that they did anything wrong...that WOULD be 'settling' or 'sacrificing'. But if you see someone make all the changes that they need to, someone who really does appear to have remorse and regret, and takes every step and measure to own and fix what they've done...not the same circumstance.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah, but Owl, now you know with certainty that your wife has the capacity to betray you. You know, that under certain circumstances, like if your health fails, or your go bankrupt, or if super hunk comes along, she just might abandon you. I agree, that you might encounter similar capacity in another. But, on the other hand, you might get lucky and end up with someone that would never cheat, that you could rely on. Sounds like the cost/benefit-risk/reward made your decision right for you. But, you must admit (or not) that you do not have someone you can completely trust as a partner, now. You might have that in another, although with the knowledge you now have, you would not neccessarily be able to trust, even if it was deserved. Kind of a tree falling in the forest making a sound thing, I guess.
Author bridgett83 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Thank you for the advice. It's good to know others care. To answer your question, no, he's not showing any remorse nor does he even see it as being wrong, what he did. I have come to that conclusion myself since he hasn't tried to make me feel better any of the times he knew the affair was on my mind. Quite frankly, I am the only one trying to hold us together at this point and that's the part that hurts the most right now. He tells me that if we're going to make it I need to get over it. He hasn't gone to counciling or tried anything. He sees me crying all the time and says stop it, it's done and over with. I do need to get over it but he needs to help me do that and he isn't. Unfortunately, the ex, also the one he slept with, will always be a constant reminder. They have a child together and seeing her is inevitable. It wasn't just one time, it was numerous times, in my house twice, in my husbands truck, in the woods on a back road, and who knows where else they didn't admit to. The reminders are all around me. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through....
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah, but Owl, now you know with certainty that your wife has the capacity to betray you. You know, that under certain circumstances, like if your health fails, or your go bankrupt, or if super hunk comes along, she just might abandon you. I agree, that you might encounter similar capacity in another. But, on the other hand, you might get lucky and end up with someone that would never cheat, that you could rely on. Sounds like the cost/benefit-risk/reward made your decision right for you. But, you must admit (or not) that you do not have someone you can completely trust as a partner, now. You might have that in another, although with the knowledge you now have, you would not neccessarily be able to trust, even if it was deserved. Kind of a tree falling in the forest making a sound thing, I guess. That's the thing, Reggie. I don't believe that I would EVER trust ANYONE "blindly" again. That trust was shattered. The object of that trust is irrelevent. I know that ANY person has the capacity to betray me. It doesn't matter if it's my wife, or someone totally different. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing mystical that protects me from being cheated on...nothing magical that would ensure beyond any doubt that ANY relationship I would have is completely and totally protected from that happening again. It's not my trust in my wife that is gone...it's my blind trust that it won't/can't happen to me. I understand now how affairs work, and how it can happen regardless of your intentions and efforts. I know that I can do everything possible on my side of things, and can trust my partner completely and STILL this could happen. I've never been an overly 'trusting' guy to begin with. This was a major learning experience for me as well...and the more I read, the more I learned that NO marriage is fool-proof in this regard...we all just choose to believe that it is. I'll NEVER have a person I can trust completely again. My eyes are opened, and I'm a lot more educated than I was before. My blind trust before was just that...foolishly, ignorantly blind to the possibility of it happening. Knowing that...and seeing how hard my wife has worked to learn from her actions...she's a better choice in a partner now than choosing to start over with an unknown quantity.
Owl Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Thank you for the advice. It's good to know others care. To answer your question, no, he's not showing any remorse nor does he even see it as being wrong, what he did. I have come to that conclusion myself since he hasn't tried to make me feel better any of the times he knew the affair was on my mind. Quite frankly, I am the only one trying to hold us together at this point and that's the part that hurts the most right now. He tells me that if we're going to make it I need to get over it. He hasn't gone to counciling or tried anything. He sees me crying all the time and says stop it, it's done and over with. I do need to get over it but he needs to help me do that and he isn't. Unfortunately, the ex, also the one he slept with, will always be a constant reminder. They have a child together and seeing her is inevitable. It wasn't just one time, it was numerous times, in my house twice, in my husbands truck, in the woods on a back road, and who knows where else they didn't admit to. The reminders are all around me. It's the hardest thing I have ever been through.... And there's your problem. He's not truly working to save the marriage. He's trying to minimize his responsibility for the damage done to it by his actions. If he doesn't change...then I would tell you that there is no reconciliation, there is no "forgive and forget" with someone who doesn't have true remorse/regret, and isn't willing to take responsibility for his actions. I'd tell you to seperate and file for divorce. Don't accept his behaviors. Don't accept that this is the best you can do...or even the best that he can do. If he has no remorse...he'll do it again.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Unfortunately, the way it seems to work with most cheaters is that they feel no remorse until their actions have an adverse effect on them. It is disheartening to learn that they are guided mainly by self interest rather than an innate sense of right and wrong. I had the same issues with my alcoholic dad. Wouldn't it be nice if someone simply realized he or she had hurt you and inflicted so much damage that it motivated him or her to change and do the hard work of repairing to the extent possible. But, humans are very self centered. Seems the primary motivation, at least initially, comes form wanting to avoid consequences. Owl is right, no consequences mean increased risk of a repeat. Pathetic, isn't it. It is like training a dog and we would have liked to beleive our spouses were slightly more evolved.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah, me too, OWl. No one really ever has your back. It is reality ,somewhat disheartening,but it is somewhat freeing to know this. The vows , truly, are maeningless, I guess. Knowing that , all one can do is hold up his/her end of the bargain and keep one's eyes and ears open. How relaxing.
silktricks Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Bridgette - Since the infidelity took place so soon after your marriage AND he shows no remorse for it AND he didn't tell you about it (she did), then I would say that all of these things makes your position very difficult and painful. Infidelity is not something you just "get over". It's a very painful and slow process under the best of conditions and you don't have those "best" conditions. Owl - as always your suggestions and comments are particularly apt. Reggie - it is definitely possible to recover a marriage from infidelity. It's difficult, but it's doable. I don't believe I ever had unqualified trust in another person, but I did (and do) trust my husband more than most other people. The fact is that he deceived me and broke that trust. It took a lot of work (on his part AND my part) to get it back. Finding someone else, though, would not have reduced the chance of getting hurt again, I actually believe it would have increased it. Because of what I saw my husband go through to "fix" us, I know that the chance of him cheating again is as close to zero as the chance of me cheating - and that's as close to zero as I can see. I won't say there is zero chance of me cheating, not because I believe that there is a chance, but rather because if I say that, then I may believe I no longer need to keep in place the guards against putting myself in questionable circumstances - guards that I personally believe everyone should have. My husband knew those guards needed to exist, but believed himself to be immune....
HsMomma Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah, me too, OWl. No one really ever has your back. It is reality ,somewhat disheartening,but it is somewhat freeing to know this. The vows , truly, are maeningless, I guess. Knowing that , all one can do is hold up his/her end of the bargain and keep one's eyes and ears open. How relaxing. That's a very sad statement to read, especially if you truly believe it. I agree with Owl & you, too, Reggie, to a point, that one is capable of being hurt by/betrayed by anyone who has that person's love. However, even AFTER being horribly betrayed (and not even just once) by my ex-H, when I remarried, I took those vows very seriously as did my now husband and living up to them remains a HUGE priority to both of us. They're (the vows) only meaningless if one allows them to be.
Reggie Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 You know, it is not so much feeling safe again. I can accept that watching someone do all this work and take all these precautions may indicate that the person is less likely to do it again. It's the whole concept that they did it in the first place. I really do not want to have to feel that , in this person's eyes, I am such chopped liver that she needs to take extraordinary precautions or be constantly vigilant so as to avoid the temptation of jettisoning me, upgrading in her eyes. It just seems that would really affect my self esteem. I don't want to go thorugh life feeling that I am so undesirable to my spouse that she has to artificially force herself to act with loyalty toward me. I mean really, at some point, didn't your WS send you a very clear message that in his or her estimation, he or she preferred the affair partner to you.That in his or her assessment, you were inferior to that person? I know we do not have to accept this assessment and should not. But, if they chose someone else over you, that is the message that was sent.
HsMomma Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I mean really, at some point, didn't your WS send you a very clear message that in his or her estimation, he or she preferred the affair partner to you.That in his or her assessment, you were inferior to that person? I know we do not have to accept this assessment and should not. But, if they chose someone else over you, that is the message that was sent. Yep, Reggie, that's exactly the message that my ex-H sent me (3 times, since I apparently was too dense to figure it out the first 2 times!). However, I refuse to concede that kind of power to him enduringly...while at the time it (the betrayals) happened, I believed his message, I also don't believe in staying a victim to someone else's perception of who I am & what I'm worth. Yes, he did indeed choose someone else over me. Yes, it rocked my world & destroyed my sense of self for a while. Ultimately, though, the best revenge is living well - a life of honor, integrity & happiness with the person who brings those things into your life as well...not dwelling on what some gomer you once trusted did to you/said to you/thought about you. Score: Me - 100; Gomer - 0 and I LIKE it that way!
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