Jump to content

I think I really screwed up, but I don't know... (Text Message Etiquette)


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

This is a long one...

 

I went on two lunch dates with someone who works in the same school district as myself (not in the same school). This was a set-up type of situation through another teacher who works with both her and myself. She and I never considered ourselves as "dating each other" after our two dates. No physical stuff, either.

 

I was not really feeling any spark after these two dates, so I did not feel committed to continuing anything further on a romantic level. We never made any sort of commitment to each other. Most of our communication had been over text message--I think I talked to her on the phone maybe two times to confirm plans. I think we texted and facebooked more than talked, aside from the times we met in person.

 

About 10 days had passed since our 2nd lunch date. She sent me a text message while I was starting my evening shift (I work as a waiter during the summer), about the possibility of getting together again at some point.

 

It was then that I committed what is considered by the majority of the world population as a dating atrocity--I sent her back a text that I wish to remain just as friends.

 

At the time I had felt that an immediate response was appropriate, given that I would not have had the opportunity to talk with her soon. Under circumstances where we may have made a commitment to see each other more as "more than friends" or under circumstances where we may have encountered each other more face-to-face or on the phone, I know that texting to communicate what I wanted to communicate is a cowardly 100% no-no, and I would never do that. (At least I thought I would never.)

 

I felt really awful about what I had done. I followed up my message later by sending a long, apologetic letter on facebook explaining my situation but also explaining how I knew it wasn't right and that she had not deserved that--and at the same time elaborating more on why I wished to not continue in the guise of dating. She sent a message back saying that the text reply I had sent was indeed awkward and uncomfortable, but she accepted my apology and she is still okay with being friends.

 

(And yes, I know a facebook message is not that much better than a text, but at the same time, I really did not talk with her that much on the phone or in person aside from the two times we met.)

 

I think I am really mad at myself, as I understand that what I did is considered widely as a major social faux pas in the general sense of relationships. I've always tried to live my own life with a sense of maturity, integrity and character, and I feel really disappointed with myself. The more reading I do on what I had done in the general sense, I'm afraid that my action really shows my lack of character and communication skills. I feel afraid to pursue further relationships for awhile.

 

While I've told many this story, a few agree but a few also suggest that what I did may not have been the worst thing in the world given the specifics of this dating scenario. In fact, one friend suggested that it might have been just as bad to invite her out simply to bear the news to remain friends, given how many times we actually went out and how serious it was - almost as if this would be just as much of a slap to the face.

 

I really don't know, either way.

 

I would appreciate any thoughts you may have regarding this. I know this was long--thank you for reading.

Posted

I don't see a problem with this.

 

She may have been disappointed with the substance of your response, but would she be any happier if you strung her along for a third date and only then broken it to her? Or if you sent some BS ambiguous text and later on called to tell her by phone that you weren't interested?

 

After 2 dates, your obligation to her is very minimal.

Posted

It's very promising for your future relationships that you had the common courtesy to acknowledge "Wait, I did something that I think is wrong." And you then took the necessary and appropriate steps to correct that. I think in your circumstance that if you really only contacted through text and facebook, that you responded to her text in a reasonable way if only slightly, slightly inconsiderate. But you seem to have remedied that.

 

My long distance exboyfriend (Who I had talked to on the phone earlier in the day. He told me he loved me like he always did) texted me about a break. He specifically said that it was not a breakup and that he loved me and that he would be back for me. That was the last time I ever heard from him. This was 2 1/2 months ago. I got no phone call, no explanation, no apology. Our entire relationship came down to a series of text messages.

 

Don't worry about or read too much into what you did. In the realm of jerky behavior, it ranks pretty low. You'll be fine.

Posted

I agree with those above - if you had already established a "norm" of using FB and text to communicate, and you are only talking about after the second date here, AND it was in a specific response to a text query of hers, it's not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up with the "100% cowardly no-no" stuff.

 

Now if you'd have slept with her, then pre-emptively dumped her by text a couple hours later, that would be a different story, but you're miles away from that.

 

The more reading I do on what I had done in the general sense, I'm afraid that my action really shows my lack of character and communication skills. I feel afraid to pursue further relationships for awhile.

 

Look, I'm going to be blunt here - guy to guy: don't be a pussy. Don't keep whacking your own pee-pee about this. Nobody is perfect all the time. Your primary action was possibly a small mistake. Then, you actually considered what you had done, how you did it, and how it might have been received by someone else, then you did something to follow up. That, to me, says much more about your character and skill at communication than the initial stumble. Jeez, don't let this make you feel like you shouldn't pursue further relationships. Man up, there, dude!

 

And notably - she seems to have accepted your apology graciously, and moved on. Now you move on, too - don't dwell on it.

×
×
  • Create New...