gorgio Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 The advice below is aimed at the guys (even though some of it might be applicable to girls) since I am a guy Things have been going great for me until I received that text from my ex that threw me off balance. In fact, the previous night I met a new girl and started seeing my ex in an entire new light and everything just changed due to one small text. I don’t believe in coincidence, but this is as close as it gets since I was sure that she will never contact me again and was ready to move on. So I wake up this morning and realize, as many have already said here – it is all in my head! It has nothing to do with the text or my ex. If I can switch modes within hours, there must be a way for me to go back to the way I felt our entire relationship. In all of my relationships I was always in control, and I guess that this quality attracts certain women including my ex Just a little background: I am one of those guys who are usually labeled ‘jerks’ and who most girls keep chasing long after the relationship is over. I have never been ‘dumped’ by a girl (even in the recent situation I was the one who initiated the first dumping) and have only felt for a girl once or twice in my life. I have also had many girls leave me (because I always fail to commit), get a bf and come back after a few months or even years. Some even see me while they are dating their new bf or while they are married. I don’t do this on purpose, it’s just the way I am (was), and during the past months I have made considerable progress towards change. I had to lose this girl to make progress, to realize that I can feel for someone and that my behavior will lead me to a dead end. After receiving the text from my ex and totally losing my balance I decided to go to my mailbox and see my reaction to other girls who went in and out of my life (some with boyfriends, some for other reasons) and read my responses to their texts / emails. Overall, I am playful, happy and never really give a damn. It’s funny, but during the past 6 months there were 2-3 girls who tried to ‘get back in touch’ with me so I had plenty of samples. I agree that NC is necessary if you can’t control your thoughts, but once you manage to let go and control your thoughts (even if you are not 100% over her, but you can somehow manage to look at the situation from a rational perspective), there is no need for NC / LC etc. You just do what you feel like doing, what you would do if any other girl sent you an email. You can achieve this state of mind by thinking of other girls that you treated indifferently. This breakup has made me realize a lot of things about my life: 1. I want a committed relationship and am sick of f#cking around 2. I want to enrich my life with meaningful activities other than work 3. I might want to have a family one of these days It has also made me change the way I am with women: 1. I don’t sleep around anymore – in fact this is the longest stretch of time that I have not had random sex. And I am not craving it either. 2. I evaluate women differently ; if she doesn’t have personality underneath her looks I move on 3. I go on 1-2 dates, if she can’t hold a conversation, or keeps talking about superficial bs, it’s the last time that she will see me There are people on this board that made me realize a lot of stuff that is ‘wrong’ about my life (Ronni – you are one of them ) and I need to make changes, otherwise I will run into the same problems again and again. Remember, this is not about your ex, LC, NC etc. (at least it wasn’t in my situation). It is about you and what you need to do to change your life. That being said, I have also realized that all the various strategies on this board (assuming you can regain control over your thoughts) are irrelevant. What do you do if she contacts you? You do exactly what you did if any other girl contacted you. It doesn’t matter if you LC NC – you do whatever you feel like doing. There are rules and strategies that you can apply, but if you can just be yourself (assuming you are not a needy person by default, or someone that gets excited when a girl calls you after you have given her your number) you will do fine. THIS ONLY APPLIES IF YOU HAVE REGAINED CONTROL OVER YOUR THOUGHTS (I can see CaliGuy heading my way with a baseball bat ) It is beyond the scope of this thread to explain to all the guys out there how to meet new people / women, but part of getting myself back and out of this mess consisted of starting to smile at people and talk to new women every day. Not to date them, but to just realize that I can hold conversations with other people and stop getting depressed over my ex. Just start talking to people - if you are not doing it right now, force yourself to start being friendly again. I went out by myself last night and chatted with over 10 girls, some even came up to me and started a conversation. By the end of the night I saw my ex’s text in an entirely new light. I am still scheduled to see the girl I mentioned in the beginning of this thread, but I really don’t care if she calls me or not that’s the frame of mind you should have when it comes to your ex. If you are not 100% back yet (and I don't think I am there yet either), just 'fake it till you make it'. Pretend that you are done and ready to move on. If you keep pretending it will happen I hope this helps.
asuman Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Good post. Does CaliGuy's view even conflict with yours? The whole point of NC is to get over her. If you are actually over her, then of course you're free to talk to her if you feel like it. Of course, you have to be mature enough to know when you actually are in fact truly over her.
NopeNah Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Of course, you have to be mature enough to know when you actually are in fact truly over her. This is interesting to me. I honestly don't think I'll ever be over my ex. EVER! I'm not saying I won't be "ok" or able to deal with it. I'm pretty much there and doing that already. But, I don't think there's a time in my life where I won't have very strong feelings for her. I mean, I would still do anything she needed or asked of me. I "would do" but, "won't do" at this time, sorta thing... Damn this is frustrating!
Leveller Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I have been where you've been and am where you are without the smile at the moment though, and can see totally where you are coming from. This isn't advice, this is a life lesson. Ronni has helped me too. Such a good person. Thank you for your post.
Author gorgio Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Good post. Does CaliGuy's view even conflict with yours? The whole point of NC is to get over her. If you are actually over her, then of course you're free to talk to her if you feel like it. Of course, you have to be mature enough to know when you actually are in fact truly over her. I claim that you can start doing LC when you are not 100% over her and that being over her is a state of mind that you can achieve. I went NC and crashed when I got her email because I did not put enough effort to controlling my thoughts. I think that is what it all boils down to, having control over your thoughts and putting your mind into the correct state.
Author gorgio Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 This is interesting to me. I honestly don't think I'll ever be over my ex. EVER! I'm not saying I won't be "ok" or able to deal with it. I'm pretty much there and doing that already. But, I don't think there's a time in my life where I won't have very strong feelings for her. I mean, I would still do anything she needed or asked of me. I "would do" but, "won't do" at this time, sorta thing... Damn this is frustrating! Never say you will always do something for someone no matter what. You are placing too much value on that girl. I have had a great connection with 4 girls in the past; was different with each one but I never placed them ahead of me especially when out of a relationship. You have to value yourself more than her. Did you feel the same way when you just met her? Obviously not. Try to put yourself there within your mind and see how your felt.
asuman Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I claim that you can start doing LC when you are not 100% over her and that being over her is a state of mind that you can achieve. I went NC and crashed when I got her email because I did not put enough effort to controlling my thoughts. I think that is what it all boils down to, having control over your thoughts and putting your mind into the correct state. I don't think you can fake it. You're either over her or you're not, and I see no point to resuming contact with a girl when I'm not in a state of mind where I will exude the confidence level needed to actually attract her, the way I did our first time around. The test for me is very simple. If I'm even tempted to see her again because I think I'm over her, I will ask myself: "I'm going to have coffee with her, knowing nothing about what's going on in her life for the past several months, and one of the first things she might tell me is how awesome things are going with her boyfriend. Am I ready to hear that?" As long as the answer is no, I'm not over her.
asuman Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 This is interesting to me. I honestly don't think I'll ever be over my ex. EVER! I'm not saying I won't be "ok" or able to deal with it. I'm pretty much there and doing that already. But, I don't think there's a time in my life where I won't have very strong feelings for her. I mean, I would still do anything she needed or asked of me. I "would do" but, "won't do" at this time, sorta thing... Damn this is frustrating! Interesting indeed. But it is possible to get over someone you think is so impossible to get over. I was (and probably still am) madly in love with a particular girl I've known since I was 18 years old. We never even dated, but we became very close friends and for many years she knew how I felt about her (while for many later on, she probably didn't realize). It was kind of a weird friendship, where she craved my presence because I stroked her ego and made her feel good, without having to be in a relationship. The timing just never worked out for us. I was always dating someone else, or she was dating someone else. And next thing you know, boom, she got engaged, and then got married (I was there). Now she has kids. Sigh. Anyway, my point is, as much as I loved this girl and still do, I had no problem whatsoever having a normal conversation with her about her boyfriend situations as they arose. The closest I came to being a weakling about the situation was when she got engaged to her now husband, and I actually had the balls to lightly challenge her decision. I actually asked her, "Are you sure you're doing the right thing?" (Uh, yes, she was sure. End of story.) The point: You might remain attracted to someone behind the scenes, in the background, forever. But that doesn't mean you are a big sloppy mess around them all the time. You will get to a point where you can have a normal conversation with them, and be a genuine friend to them even when it comes to talking about relationships.
Ronni_W Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I claim that you can start doing LC when you are not 100% over her and that being over her is a state of mind that you can achieve. ... I think that is what it all boils down to, having control over your thoughts and putting your mind into the correct state. Hey Gorgio, It's so great to hear that you're doing so well I totally agree with what you're saying...our thoughts are indeed our most powerful weapons! The tough part is gaining control over them as well as you have. Excellent, excellent work on your part -- I trust you remembered to celebrate this major victory in a major way Hugs, and continued best of everything that life has to offer!
Author gorgio Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 Hey Gorgio, It's so great to hear that you're doing so well I totally agree with what you're saying...our thoughts are indeed our most powerful weapons! The tough part is gaining control over them as well as you have. Excellent, excellent work on your part -- I trust you remembered to celebrate this major victory in a major way Hugs, and continued best of everything that life has to offer! Ronni - you are the best!
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