fani Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I was with him for almost two years, a long distance relationship. We had problem, he is bipolar, and have broken up a few times before, but that has alway been sorted the day after. this time it is final. We had a big fight on wednesday, i went up to visit him yesterday like we'd planned already. I got there and he just told me to get my stuff and leave (obviously with more swearing) i refused to go..which just made him angry..this went on for a few horus...then we just sat in silence for a few more, He knows i don't eat when im upset, so went n brought us food n we sat and watched a film. We had a laugh and were both obviously enjoying eachothers company. He said I could stay the night. I fell asleep soon after (haven't been sleeping more than 2 hours each night since wednesday) n he joined me a few hours after. He didn't curl up to me or anything though. I did a bit in my sleep but I woke up with him pushing me off gently. Woke up n chatted for a bit. I was feelin rather hopeful, but then he kept sayin things every now n then to make it clear it is over. But then when he was taking me to the train station we ended up going shopping for abit first, and he brought me a new game. (my birthday in a few weeks, he spent over 100 on me the day before our fight, n still gave the presents to me, n said the game was an extra one) He said he really does want to stay friends. and is talking to me on msn at the moment. I'm finding thi so ****ing hard to cope with. I have been with him the whole two years I have been at University, which I do not enjoy, so I always ecaped up to his for the weekend or whatever. I know i have my friends, but there comfort isn't exacty helping. I just want him back. I don't know what to do. Please i need as much help and advice as possible. He is my life. all I think about, all my actions are about. We said we wanted to spend our lives together, we talked about kids and pets and what we'd do. I was goign to get my teaching degree after university up where he lives so we could be closer. I just want to die now without him.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 What I have found, is that advice isn't as helpful as finding out others are going through the same. I, like you, want to die without the one I love. Every day I dream of her, and I think about her all day every day. It's so hard, so agonizing, that I question if God is even real anymore. I loved her probably as much as you loved him, and every day for the past few months has torn me apart, but it's especially difficult as of late. Just know you aren't alone. You are far from it.
Author fani Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I'm definatly glad I am not alone, but breaks my heart (even more than he has if thats possible!) that you are still going through it months and months afterwards. How can I handle it? I don't want to see my friends, they aren't him. He is stil being my friend, and is caring for me. Was talking to him on MSN a moment ago, was askin if I'd eaten yet, am I feeling less sick n stuff. I told him i was going out for a wander (which I do often when upet) n he sounded genuninly concerned, said he doesn't think thats a good idea and can i go and see a friend or something instead of going out alone, and that i should text himwhen im back so he know im safe. I don't understand. I asked why i he being so nice when I know with exs past he has always cut them out of his life. All he said was that he usually does, but "because you're special" that the **** is that supposed to mean
Island Girl Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Hi fani Well, being LD you often only communicated by MSN etc. right? Being LD you did not have physical presence all the time. And the way you left it I can see it would be difficult to feel as if it was really over. So much of your time you were with him but not with him. I am sure he enjoyed your company. As you said even when you watched a movie together after it was officially over you still had a good time together. But continuing to chat, etc. as you would have done before only gives him access to all of you in the ways he is accustomed to without the commitment. How can you miss what you still have, right? The one hope that you have of getting back together is there being a void in his life where you were. The void that causes him to think about the break up and what he is really giving up. The void of missing you and wanting to talk to you, etc. As long as you are talking with him and giving him all of that time anyway then why should he reevaluate his choice. If you want him back then you should not be in contact with him. If you want this to transition to a "just friends" kind of thing then keep chatting on MSN, etc. Then you can have the friendship but both date other people. So you need to decide which you want - and if you would really ever be able to be in a friends only relationship with him.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 that right there is the key statement:he is ur life. No he aint ur life u define ur life by the things u do not the ppl ur with. u need to be u without him and if u do get back with him u and him are ur own entities.
Author fani Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Thankyou. I know I need to be stronger, need to find myself as my own person and all that. I know I am more than his girlfriend, there must be more to me, but right now I cannot find or see it. I am trying to talk to him less atleast. I went for a walk this evening n told him like I said. And rang him when I got home like he asked me to. N he was worried that I'd been out that long. I ended up going to a party a friends parents were havin that I was invited to, but hadn't felt like going to until that moment, and had a very good time untill the friends that were there started going home with their other halves. I didn't tell him I had gone and been with friends. I don't know why...I think I just want him to be worried, that I'm out wandering around in the dark (which he knows im scared of!) for hours on my own. I am determined not to talk to him tomorrow unless he contacts me. I hope I can stand by it but I know I have no will power! It probably hasn't sunk in because of the LD, we weren't that much on MSN. Well, we were, but like it was mainly phonecalls and stuff, and we would see eachother every other weekend, n i would go up to his for weeks at a time on Uni breaks or whatever.
Island Girl Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Like I said fani - you shouldn't be in contact as you normally would be. In fact - not at all. He asked you to call him to check in because he'd be worried? Well, guess what he said it was over and he's not your boyfriend anymore. So access needs to be over. No you shouldn't contact him. And no you shouldn't talk to him if he contacts you. The words you want to hear is, "I need to talk to you" or "I want you back this is killing me". So unless you want to be just friends and look for a new guy to be your romantic interest then you should be scarce - VERY scarce. And do not report your activities to him AT ALL. Let him wonder where you are and what you are doing. Let him think you may have met someone new. Whatever he is thinking - let him think it and do not give him the reassurances that he normally would.
Author fani Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 But would that work? If i did dissapear out of his life for a little while? Is it possible that he would realise that he does love and want me and come and get me, or will he just think "oh well, nevermind" n that would be it. He wouldn't know what im doing or who im with, but i wouldnt know what he would be thinking either. He's not one for making his emotions and feelings known if it is not absolutly necessary.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 But would that work? If i did dissapear out of his life for a little while? Is it possible that he would realise that he does love and want me and come and get me, or will he just think "oh well, nevermind" n that would be it. He wouldn't know what im doing or who im with, but i wouldnt know what he would be thinking either. He's not one for making his emotions and feelings known if it is not absolutly necessary. If he thinks "Oh well never mind" then having contact will not change that. If he doesn't miss you at this point and doesn't seek to have you back in his life then he is already done. IF he still is driven by some romantic feeling for you - if he still cares about you then he will miss you and seek you out. NC will help you to get stronger and not so desperate (I am not sure why you insisted on staying when he said "take your stuff and go" but that is water under the bridge at this point). NC will allow him to miss you if he still cares. Contact and talking to him gives him access to you. If he doesn't care about you that way anymore then contact will not help. If he does care about you but is on the fence about what he wants or getting back together then contact will not help.
Author fani Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 I stayed when he told me to go because it has happened before. He told me he didn't want me there. I stayed queitly for a little while. Then he looked at me and said he was so sorry and came over and picked me up and held me. I thought it could happen again...I was desperate for it to happen again.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I stayed when he told me to go because it has happened before. He told me he didn't want me there. I stayed queitly for a little while. Then he looked at me and said he was so sorry and came over and picked me up and held me. I thought it could happen again...I was desperate for it to happen again. Oh but fani! I can't tell you how important it is for you not to be put in that position. If you had got up and left the first time - and he had the same change of heart - then he would learn he can not treat you that way (and NOBODY should). He would know that you will leave and mean it so he should not say or do things in haste but should think long and hard about any decision like that. It doesn't speak well of the relationship that he'd just up and throw it away without discussing problems, etc. to try and address them. But you staying after such poor treatment only shows him he CAN treat you that way and you'll stay and put up with it. It also causes him to lose respect for you because you aren't respecting yourself by staying.
Author fani Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 I'm a very insecure person. I can't handle being single. i can't handle not having somebody loving me, making me feel safe and wanted. I'm sure it probbaly will be blamed on my dad leaving when i was young, and my mum not being around much because she always had to work in order to give me and my brother the life she saw we deserved. But it is how I am. I cannot blame him if he does not have any respect for me if i dont have any for myself either. If i had got up and left last time, he would not have tried to get me. He is stubborn as ****. He would hav simply thought "fine **** you then" and that would be the end instead of this being it. If i was my own friend i would tel myself to stop all contact and never bother with thim ever again, but its never that simple when you're in the situation yourself. I don't think anybody else could love me. Ive seen the state of some of his ex's, especially one i know that broke up with him I know he was in love wih her and it did break her heart. If he could love her, then there is something so so wrong with me if he can't love me.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 fani, there's an EXTREMELY high chance you have dependent personality disorder. I tell you this so you can face it, and finally figure out how to overcome it. (Now that it has a name and a face). Don't feel alone, though. I have DPD too. I don't need to be in a relationship, per se, but I prefer it to being single. I truly believe the only time you grow, is when you're in a relationship.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 fani - You have access to a counselor through the Uni. Talking to someone can help you with the break up as well as your self esteem issues. It can ONLY help so please talk to someone there about this. The counselor will not be biased except in the fact that they want you to feel better and be better. No one here can really tell what you may be going through psychologically but if there is something going on then there is help. We can be here and give you support through this but I really hope you take advantage of what resources are available for you. Think about it. That is what they are there for.
asuman Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 You've done a great job in recognizing that you can't cope with this situation by yourself. You have a sense of self-awareness, that means. The next step is to get professional help. You really need to do so.
Author fani Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 I live about three hours away from my University, on summer break I mean and will be unti October. I know that there is a very long waiting list for counselling here at my home town aswell..atleast 5 months. He was talking to me again last night. On MSN again. He's being exactly the same with me. It's exactly the same apart from any I love you's and stuff. Does this mean that he does still love me really? Or that he has just seen me as a freind for such a riduculus amount of time that he made the transition ages ago? He was in a bad of a downer, but wasn't takin it out on me or anything, said he was really tired, but we should watch an episode of something before he goes to bed. So we did. When he went I said "talk to ya soon?" n he said "indeed" I know im giving myself false hope, but I can't help it. My life was planned with this guy, I was moving up there when i finished Uni to get my teaching qualifications, and after that we were going to move in together. We'd decided all the pets we'd wanted to get ffs!! I'm determined not to contact him today...but I am very weak willed. If he talks me me first then I will talk to him, but hopefully not until then. Various friends keep asking me if i want to go out, but I dont know...I'm not sure if I just want to be alone or not.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 You have ADVANCED dependent personality disorder. At this rate, you are a suicide risk. You need to contact me, or professional help immediately. Not a school counselor. A REAL psychologist.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 You have ADVANCED dependent personality disorder. At this rate, you are a suicide risk. You need to contact me / professional help immediately. Not a school counselor. A REAL psychologist. Thomas - are YOU a licensed Psychologist? If so then you know it is extremely unethical and irresponsible to diagnose someone this way or even suggest a diagnosis as you have been. fani - Universities and Colleges have LICENSED Psychologists and Psychiatrists on staff to assist students and it is offered to you as a part of student services. These people are there specifically to help YOU and lots of students use these services for various situations that come up during the years they attend school. Sometimes there is a death in the family, parents divorce, etc. and people need help. You are having a particularly difficult time with what is going on with this guy and appear to be in need of some self esteem help. Let the professionals who are there for you help you address some of this. Please contact them as soon as you can It will only help you.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Yes, actually, and I know the difference between ethics and what is necessary on the spot. She needs to know she has DPD, and an advanced state of it for that matter, so she can face it and not be overcome by it. My methods are more unorthodox than unethical. But I only wish you could compile a list of all the people who told me how much I've helped them over the past 6 months. Your jaw would probably hit the floor.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Yes, actually, and I know the difference between ethics and what is necessary on the spot. She needs to know she has DPD, and an advanced state of it for that matter, so she can face it and not be overcome by it. My methods are more unorthodox than unethical. No. IF you were a licensed Psychologist your methods would be unethical and egregious. No one here can say from 7 posts that a person is suffering from one disorder or another. But I only wish you could compile a list of all the people who told me how much I've helped them over the past 6 months. Your jaw would probably hit the floor. I don't really care how many people claim you have helped them. What I care about is fani. She is a person in need of help - professional help - and rather than encourage her to see someone where she is who she can talk to ongoing on a one on one basis you tell her to contact YOU. Irresponsible AT BEST Thomas. Your profession listed on Loveshack is Professional model/actor. ACT like a REAL Psychologist, quit playing at arm chair diagnosis, and encourage this young lady to see someone who IS a board certified Psychologist or Psychiatrist. You clearly are not. fani - Please excuse the T/J. No one can tell if you are suffering from one disorder or another here on this board. You may have a couple of things going on or you may not. Please see someone there at Uni whom you can talk to. It will help you work out the feelings you have been having about yourself and work through the issues with this relationship. You can talk to them with confidentiality and they do want to help. They are there to help people who have difficulties in their lives. Just about everybody goes through problems at one time or another.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Island girl, you are stubborn but I like you. I only wish you would read how I DID encourage her to see a professional psychologist. I want her to talk to me in the meantime. She will need a full time psychologist, though, but I can help in the mean time. I can help by being here and listening and offering real advice. As for if you can diagnose someone in 7 posts... I beg to differ. It very much so depends on the content of the posts, how long they are, etc. And what she described is absolutely DPD. If you deny it, then you don't know enough about psychology to argue with me. Anyways, fani, forgive both island girl and me. We both are interested in helping. And theres no doubt in my mind that we both believe you ARE capable of healing.
Author fani Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 Like I said, I am not back at Uni until October, and it is about two and a half hours away. And I know at home a waiting list to get counselling free is about 5 months, and I really do not have the money to go private or anything. I have had an ok day considering. A friend turned up at mine n took me for a bit of a walk, made me eat, even though it was just a feww strawberries. I walked home and another friend was visiting her parents who live i n my road, so i ended up spending a few hours with them. It was their party I went to last night, so was talking about that and watchin the videos from it did make me laugh. Pretty much all I have spoken to think that he will want me back, will change his mind and ask me to please come back to him. It isn't them trying to make me feel better, in paticular the 2nd friend I saw today as she hates him, and thinks its a very good thing he is out of my life and thinks I should definantly go all NC on his ass!! She said she thinks he will come back, but hopes he doesn't. I don't know what to think. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and dreading it. It would be ok if i had an exciting engaging job, but I'm a temp doing very dull data inputting, and so there is nothing to distract me. Also I am used to sunbathing on my lunch break, and always calling him. Although we are not NC, I still dont want to be calling him all the time because he will just get angry at me and then definatly not want me back. I don't really have any friends at work. I have people I gt on wit hand talk to but I do not eel confortable jus suddeny hanging around with them at lunch or anything, n non of my friends work near me so I can't see them.
Beeotch Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I'm a very insecure person. I can't handle being single. i can't handle not having somebody loving me, making me feel safe and wanted. I'm sure it probbaly will be blamed on my dad leaving when i was young, and my mum not being around much because she always had to work in order to give me and my brother the life she saw we deserved. But it is how I am. I cannot blame him if he does not have any respect for me if i dont have any for myself either. If i had got up and left last time, he would not have tried to get me. He is stubborn as ****. He would hav simply thought "fine **** you then" and that would be the end instead of this being it. If i was my own friend i would tel myself to stop all contact and never bother with thim ever again, but its never that simple when you're in the situation yourself. I don't think anybody else could love me. Ive seen the state of some of his ex's, especially one i know that broke up with him I know he was in love wih her and it did break her heart. If he could love her, then there is something so so wrong with me if he can't love me. If you can realize you have insecurity issues etc, that is good. I suggest that you focus on getting over this issue. Everyone feels horrible after a break up, but most go through a normal grieving process and move forward. Extremes like you want to die and you can't be single and so forth, are not healthy. No one should need a relationship to complete them and if that is how you feel: it is the wrong premise for getting into ANY relationship. You should take this time to address these issues about your dad, insecurities and figure stuff out so that in the end you come out stronger. Going into relationships is not fixing those unresolved issues, it is just putting a bandaid on it, then if and when you break up it hits you even harder because you are clinging to this person for dear life out of what could be unresolved issues from your past. There are different attachment types in romantic relationships that stem from how your caregivers treated you in childhood....it is a very interesting thing to understand and really affects relationships (from your commitment level, sexual aspect, jealousy etc) I really found out about this after my ex and I broke up because the break up was very off and yes I know most people think it doesn't make sense when they break up, but in truth, it really didn't but in finding out about attachment styles it all made sense. My ex has an insecure form of attachment and sounds like you may have an insecure form too. I can post some links so that you can look at them and see if it matches up for you...if so, you should perhaps try to work on improving yourself so that when you do get back into another relationship it can be healthier, have a better foundation and be for the right reasons. http://www.attachmentexperts.com/adultcouple.html http://www.instituteforattachment.org/adult_intensives.htm http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relational_maintenance/public/attachment_styles.html
Author fani Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 Ok now I am finding it really hard. I said I wasn't going to contact him today, and wouldn't talok to him unless he spoke to me first. But honestly, that was because I thought that he would talk to me. I thought he would be on MSN, or give me a text if I'm not on the internet when he is, but nothing. I knew this could possibly happen, but I didn't think it actually would, if that makes sense. I know it's just one day and everything, but still. I am finding it so ****ing hard. I told him yesterday that I am not giving up. I'm not gonna turn up at his house everyday and do stupid things to try and win him, but I am not giving up. He didn't tell me to **** off, or not bother, he just said "ok". Yes it did give me a bit of hope. But now that he han't bothered to talk to me today I am feeling so low...maybe he really doesn't want me...maybe he really doesn't even want to be friends with me...and all the caring he was donig yesterday was fake.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 fani, you don't have to feel alone. You can IM me over AIM under the name "Not ThomasX". I'll talk to you most of the day. I am free today, and can keep you company. We can catch some TV shows or something.
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