My first ever break up...How do I continue with my life?

[Hoosier09]

My girlfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. We got together July 21st last year. It's crazy how it worked out but it was an amazing LDR. I live in America and she's in the UK, but we can see each other about every three months. We had a chance to be together for a long time...and we just spent 6 months together. I'm 18 and we're both starting school in the fall and I'm staying here and she's staying there.

 

I was an idiot. I took her for granted. We were so close...talking about being together forever. We didn't take it slow like we should have. We gave each other everything and well we were practically like a married couple. I got too comfortable and started taking her for granted. She never really told me how she was feeling and I should have picked up on it but I didn't. When I got back home 2 weeks ago, she told me. I didn't realize how much I was hurting her and I have apologized profusely. The last 2 weeks have been a roller coaster and she's changed her mind countless times. She finally broke it off 3 days ago. I just think it was so fast.

 

She won't give me another chance and I guess I don't blame her. I just don't see how she can throw away what we had. Before, the distance didn't matter...we weren't going to give up. Now, she says she can't cope with the distance. She still wants to stay friends and we're talking on skype kinda like we would if we were dating...all the time. I'm so confused. Her mom emailed me saying she cried and cried and cried the day after and told her she still loved me but then she tells me she doesn't know how she feels and just wants to stay friends.

 

I don't understand the difference of talking on Skype all the time as friends and then talking all the time dating and then seeing each other when we can. Surely she still misses me both ways and at least we're together if we're dating. I think she's afraid of getting hurt again.

 

Anyways...that's not the point. How do I continue? I can't eat. I can't motivate myself to do anything. My good friends have been helping me but they can't be with me all the time. It's summer and I have about 2 months before college. I can't get a job because no one really hires for 2 months. I try to tell myself that she's not right for me but I love her to death and I can't lie to myself. I love her and feel I always will. I don't see how I could ever get over this.

 

Has anyone gone through this and had it all and lost it all? I'm hoping she just needs time and will decide it is worth it and try again.

[Exit]

Well first, instead of playing a guessing game about why she is still talking to you, you need to have one final conversation. Tell her you're not comfortable transitioning into talking all the time but "just as friends". Tell her it gives you hope that you're gunna get back together, and if that's not what she wants, you'll have to stop talking. I know it seems hard to walk away from her completely, but you'll never heal if you keep talking to her.

 

And I have some bad news. Nothing anybody is going to say it really going to help since this was your first major loss. You are going to hurt for a while. You aren't thinking straight right now, you're running on emotion. If you were logical, you'd understand that you're 18, you tried to have a relationship with an entire ocean between the two of you, and it didn't work out.

 

I know it can be hard when you can't find a job or anything to keep you busy, I'm looking for a job too. Join a gym, read a book, go out with friends, just try to stay occupied.

 

You are learning the same lesson that I am, from my 1.5 yr relationship that ended. I took her for granted. Got WAY too comfortable. Stopped doing things to impress her. Stopped making her feel special. There's nothing I can do except never make the same mistake again.

 

Give each other space for right now. She obviously doesn't know what she wants. While she's confused, she'll just keep talking to you on Skype. It's a LDR, it's not like she has to worry about risking that suddenly you're going to say "hey I'm coming over". She may only be talking to you to make it easier on you, or easier on herself. And if you keep talking to her and trying to cheer her up, in a way, you're only helping her get over you!

 

It's hard to do, but you need to show her what she risks losing. Have that last conversation with her. Tell her you can't talk everyday if you're just friends. And then disappear. She will have to experience what it's like to not talk to you everday. This will make her rethink her decision.

 

Whatever happens, even if she never comes back, you WILL be ok. We all take breakups hard. I also didn't have my first real GF til about 18, it was a totally stupid, meaningless relationship, but guess what, when she ended it, I couldn't go to school for 2 days because I was a mess. But then I ended up dating her best friend and life goes on!

 

Try to enjoy the rest of your summer. Look forward to going to college. Be glad you are still in school, you will have plenty of opportunity to meet people. I'm 22, done with school, it's not as easy to meet people.

[Hoosier09]

Thanks for your reply. I just dunno if I can walk away. Like...I can see two arguments here.

 

One: It's been 3 days and we're talking on Skype (I mean, that's a short time)...if we keep talking then she can regain my trust and there's a chance we can continue.

 

Two: I cut it off and she realizes she wants me back. But I'm more afraid she'll think I don't want her anymore. A girl friend of mine (as in a friend that is a girl) told me not to cut off contact that it would just make her mad. She went through the same thing with her current bf....they're just not long distance. They got back together after 6 months and are fine now.

 

Maybe we should just talk less? I mean, we talked yesterday for several hours...that was the day after we broke up. And today, I called her for about an hour on the phone and we talked on Skype a while.

 

I did exactly what you did....took her for granted. We were everything. I know I'm young but it doesn't change how I feel at the moment.

 

I dunno I'm just lost. If anyone has experience with this and will talk to me on MSN or Skype or something I would love that.

[Exit]

Well that's the purpose of having one last conversation with her, to make it clear what you're doing. She won't think "he hates me, he stopped talking to me" if you make it clear WHY you're doing it. Yes of course if starting right this second you never log on Skype again, she'll just assume you hate her. That's why you tell her I still care about you, but I can't talk every day if you don't want to be with me. You'd be making it perfectly clear that you DO want her, but if she doesn't want the same thing, you need to be alone and heal.

 

It's your call, but like I said, the last thing you want to do is be the person helping her get over her breakup, which ironically was with YOU. If she talks to you every day and sees that you're doing okay and knows that you don't hate her, she has no reason to second guess her decision.

 

It's your call. Only you know the full situation.

[Hoosier09]

How I am I helping her get over the break up? That's where I'm confused. I mean I thought if I keep talking to her, I would regain her trust and she would miss me. You gotta remember I did something wrong to cause the break up and unless she sees a change I doubt she will come back.

 

Are you saying that by talking to her, I'm making it easier for her because she can still see me when she wants to and has control kinda over me since she has the upper hand?

[Exit]

I understand where you're coming from. I'm in the same position. People kept telling me not to talk to her and I'd say "wait, I really DID do stuff wrong. I need to tell her.". But guess what, it only takes one or two conversations to deliver that message. You don't need to apologize by talking to her every single day. Let her know that you are sorry and you want to change and then be done with it.

 

Yes, you're starting to understand why talking is a bad thing. She broke up with you, she can go out and do whatever she wants, yet whenever she feels like it, if she's bored, or if she's wondering if you're doing ok, she can just log on and talk to you. Now imagine instead if she was sitting at home, wondering how you're doing, having fond memories of the time you spent together, and then realized she no longer could just log on and talk to you. Instead she'd have to sit there and miss you.

 

You say you're trying to regain her trust and make her miss you. You have to give her the opportunity to miss you! If you talk every day like you always did, she'll see that she can "have her cake and eat it too". She can be broken up with you but talk to you online when she needs someone to talk to. I believe the old phrase is "give her the gift of missing you". Go away and let her realize how important you are.

 

I understand you want to talk to her, and that you think it will help her trust you again. But on the other hand, all you're showing her is that there's no consequences to breaking up with you, you still care about her, you still find time to talk to her, and in the end that might just make her more comfortable with her decision.

 

You don't have to go away forever. At the very least just limit your contact. Give her a chance to miss you. Give her a chance to be worried that you might be out with friends meeting other girls and that she better make up her mind if she doesn't want to lose you. Just let her wonder. Don't be available to her every waking second. Women like a challenge and they like to be intrigued. Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that you're just sitting there waiting like a puppy dog.

[Hoosier09]

Alright I understand. Thanks for the advice. Can a woman verify this? I'm at the point where I really can't make a mistake. I want to know for sure before I do this.

 

To the part about other girls...she knows I'm not like that and I don't want to cause her to be jealous. I just want her to miss me.

[heatherb16]

So many of us have been through this.

You mentioned that your girlfriend was not expressing to you how she felt. You didn't know how much you were hurting her. This sounds like a situation of mine. I hurt him, and hurt him, and hurt him, without even knowing it. It's crazy how sometimes we are so out of the loop. But we rely on our girlfriend/boyfriend to let us know their true feelings so we can work through it with them. It sucks. It really does. But when it comes down to it, there is nothing you can do. When they finally express how they have been hurting, it's too late. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

As far as you guys still talking, don't let her take advantage. You're hurting yourself. Don't let her have free access to you. She'll think she can play around even when you guys aren't in a relationship. You're either together, or you're not. Be strong. Stand up to her.

I was the same when it came to coping. I didn't eat. I lost 10 pounds and I am a rather small girl. Don't do that to yourself. It makes you sick. You're only hurting yourself. Starving yourself isn't going to bring her closer to you.

Lastly, Yes. I thought I had it all. I thought I found the one I was to marry, and I felt like the luckiest girl alive. When it slips away so suddenly, it's a scary thing. You realize you have to do everything on your own now. But you can do it. You seem very attached to her still. Thoughtfully consider NC. It's time where you can learn you can do things without her. Emotions will someday not be as extreme. It's time to separate yourself from her. Think about giving it a try. Then later when you feel healed, and you've both decided you want something to do with each other, give her a call. But just give it time. It WILL get better. Don't worry. Good luck!

[fani]

You're going to hurt, you're going to feel pain, and my god are you gonna cry. This feels like the worst time in your life. I understand. I am in it at the moment. Boyfriend was 3 hours away and broke up with me yesterday. stil wants to be friends, and so far has been. Says he hates to see me upset...and yet he's the one that caused it!! This is by no means my first breakup, being the dumper or the dumpee, but it is the first relationship where I wanted it, and thought it would, go the distance. I want to tell you it will get easier after you have gone though this and if another relationship ends, but it really isn't. There is nothing anybody can say that will help, but you have to know that you are not alone. I don't want to fill you with false hope. I should tell you to just walk away, cut her out of your life. Tell her that she has to make a decision, all or nothing. However I can't, because that would make me a complete hypocrite. If you want to wait and stay incontact whist you do, You do need to ask her what she wants, but not all the time, and not in a confronting way. I don't know what else to tell you, just try and be strong, and although it feels like it, which I definatly am feeling right now, this is NOT the end.

[Hoosier09]

Alright I just thought I would update. First off, thanks for all the great advice. I wouldn't be doing what I am going to do without it and I am so glad I asked.

 

After getting everyone's advice on here and talking to a very close couple who went through the same thing, I have decided to go LC.

 

I know that you all say NC is best but my friend had some very good points. She said that after she and her current boyfriend, who she got back together with obviously, broke up, she was looking for changes in his life. He had messed up and taken her for granted. The thing here is that I am the one that messed up and she has to see something else imprinted in her brain. When we were last together 2 weeks ago, I hadn't known what the problem was. So the last image imprinted in her brain is having a big affect on her. I believe if we were together...this would not have happened. My friend says that because we are so far apart, she can't see what my life is like and observe me while my friend could observe her bf because they went to the same school and had the same friends.

 

But all in all...I can't take this hurt. I feel a little better already...I still have had dreams every night about us getting back together which is tough but I am getting out more and laughing with other people. I just hope it's not an illusion.

 

I'm going to tell her that I need to take a break from talking to her so much. I'll tell her I still love her and I enjoy talking to her very much but I can't cope with this at the moment and I need to move on with my life. At first, we can email around once a week or so if she wants and after a few weeks maybe we can chat but only for a little bit and not every day. Once I get over this which will take a long time, possibly we can talk more and just be friends but right now it's not going to work. I can't keep sitting by the computer all day waiting for her to log on Skype and stuff. My life is at a standstill.

 

What do you guys think? I know the keeping in touch is going to hurt me a little bit but I think it is a lot less hurt than talking all the time. It will give her time to think and although I am doing this for me to heal, I am open to trying again.

 

I'll update often. Again if anyone is going through the same thing, no matter what your age, I'd love to talk on Skype, MSN, or email just as support to help us get through this. It's not easy and when we're alone at home it is the hardest.