Insecure guy has 2 issues to work out

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Issue #2. Never tell a girl what she can and cannot do. If her behavior isn't up to your standards, find someone else.

 

RF

 

I didnt tell her what she cant do. I guess my wording in my first post was wrong. I merely told her i would be very uncomfortable with it. and she fully understood and respected my feelings on the matter. And she didnt skinny dip. I was just thinking too much about why she would want to do it.

 

As i posted in another thread. One time she let me know she was uncomfortable with me still having pictures on my computer from girls i used to flirt with or date. I removed them from my hard drive to take away her discomfort about it, the same way she didnt skinny dip to take away my discomfort about that.

 

I consider it a good thing we are both able to do that. Her behaviour is up to my standards thank you.

[jaggy666]

Trust me, this girl is playing with you. Ive been there and got the t-shirt. Ive heard the "i was attacked when i was a kid", "I am depressed, suicidal, im seeing a shrink" crap before and believe me if you go along with it, in about one month from now you will be hearing the words "I cant do this anymore, i think we should break up!" The 4 years previous went by without a word of this stuff and then all of a sudden...So my advice to you is grow a pair of balls and tell her if she needs space thats fine but your not gonna hang around forever because you should never waste any of your life feeling crap. People arent worth it!! Live your life and dont worry about anyone else, If you really believe she has all these problems then im afraid as much as you want to help her she's not gonna let you, she will push you away until she finds the guy she's really looking for!

 

Saying that I truly hope it all works out for you because i have been that guy and there is nothing worse than to find out the person you thought was the love of your life is in fact a compulsive liar who made all that up just to run off with some prat you thought was an ok person!

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Her history of abuse isnt a lie btw. I spoke with some of her friends and family before and its confirmed. She also has counsilling sessions to overcome this. She cant make up all this stuff and even get her parents in her 'conspiracy'.

 

She says there is damage in our relationship but that she is certain she will be able to learn to live with the fact i lied to her about something and that we will be ok.

 

I feel her reaction is over the top but considering she's normally a lovely person and under alot of stress lately im willing to look past that.

 

So, id really like to get out of this situation with her as soon as i can. Im not sure if i should make myself 'less available' to her, so she can start missing me (cat and mouse game...), or i can just act like normal, as if nothing happened.

 

Im not sure which approach will have the best result. If she keeps being hung up by this one slip up i made then there is nothing i can do about it and ill look elsewhere.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Anyone know what kind of posture i should take towards her while i wait and see if she was being honest about just needing some time or playing games with me?

Even though im careful thanks to your warnings (thank you ) and will just focus on living my own life id like to assume a attitude that doesnt mess up things further just incase its just her depression and dissapointment that are temporarily making her act this way.

At the moment she is really ill (swine flu..) and noone is able to see her except her brother, who takes care of her.

 

Last night she told me in a txt message that she missed me and wanted to talk. And so we did for a while till she felt sick and went to try to sleep.

So that made me wonder how i should act around her now.

 

Shall i be 'distant' to her, which might make her miss me more and perhaps make her think: "awh hell, i love him, miss him, time to get over this."

 

Or i can just act as normally as possible and keep being affectionate to her. Maybe that will help her remember what she saw in me in the first place.

 

Or i can break all contact with her and just give her the one finger salute...id rather NOT do this one until im sure its not going to work out. I got many flaws, but im not a quitter.

[kizik]

Man, you are being so blind and deaf, there's almost no point in talking to you.

 

SHE SAYS maybe we can make it, SHE SAYS maybe she can forgive me... ugh!!! You run to her crazy ass whenever she calls, you are her slave. You have no self respect. Who cares if her sob stories are true. This girl is a drama queen who will dump you no matter what you do.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Man, you are being so blind and deaf, there's almost no point in talking to you.

 

I find that a little over the top but you made your point, i am being blind and deaf. Thank you for pointing that out hehe.

 

Im just gonna back off from her then, and look if i can find any fish in the desert im in.

[New Again]

I'm not trying to come across as harsh here -

 

but wow, there is a lot of drama wrapped around this girl!

 

In regards to your question about how to act while you live your life but wait around to see if she starts treating you with respect...I think what kizik was getting at is that that question is an oxymoron.

 

What I got from this thread is she's giving you a ton of excuses for her sh*tty behavior. Whether or not she was really abused several times, almost the victim of a violent crime recently, and has swine flu doesn't matter. What matters is that she's using these things as an excuse to leaving you high and dry while stringing you along. Everyone has crap going on; most don't use that crap as a reason to behave badly - and the ones who do, shouldn't - and since they do - we shouldn't let them get away with it.

 

And freaking out because you lied? Sure you lied, but if she really felt that strongly about lying, she'd break up with you. As everyone else pointed out, by making a huge deal about the fact that you lied (pretty harmless lie), and using it to punish you and so on, while throwing you a glimmer of hope ("but you're different" "I really like you"), she's just playing you. It sounds like she thrives on drama.

 

So - do what everyone else suggested - just live your life. That means you're not thinking about the "correct" way to act in case she decides to straighten up and act right.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

So - do what everyone else suggested - just live your life. That means you're not thinking about the "correct" way to act in case she decides to straighten up and act right.

 

 

Good point there, ty.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

And freaking out because you lied? Sure you lied, but if she really felt that strongly about lying, she'd break up with you.

 

She tried two nights ago actually. Said she tried to regain trust in me because she doesnt want her previous bad relationships mess up this one. But not suprisingly, she failed in that, and started fearing that everything i ever said before could have been a lie, and suggested breaking up.

 

I pointed out to her that isolating herself to think about 'how she used to trust me' was probably not a smart approach while trying to regain trust in someone. Thats like falling off a horse, getting hurt and scared, and staring at the horse trying to remember how you used to not be scared of riding it.

 

Im probably gonna sound spineless now, its ok go ahead, i can take it.

She asked me if i had another option to regain trust because she didnt want to dump me unless she had no choice, and i told her we could rebuild the trust in small steps and with time.

We made some progress in showing affection and saying how much we mean to one another and for the first time in 2,5 weeks we were both making jokes and laughing a bit.

 

She thanked me for showing her another option and apoligised for reacting so strongly to lies and failing to do this on her own like she was so certain she could last week.

She wasnt ready to show any physical intimacy yet, but considering she was burning up from a fever (bad flu) and all of this happened in just a few hours i guess thats ok.

 

Personally i feel she is serious about wanting to do this and not playing games with me. Yet reading your posts again im wondering if you folks think if im still blind?

 

She is one high maintanance chick, but thats ok, i can be a handfull aswell sometimes.

 

Any tips on how a couple could work on re-establishing trust in a relationship?

[New Again]

Honestly, I don't see why you two need to re-establish trust. You lied about doing something you haven't done, and then you admitted the truth. You DID NOT do something WRONG and then lie to cover it up. There is a HUGE difference.

 

I HATE lying (most people do) - unlike your gf I actually am the type of person who will dump you if you lie to me. And I wouldn't make such a huge freaking deal over the lie you told.

 

So what I'm getting at is that I don't really have any advice for you on that particular subject. I mean, if you had actually done something wrong there are ways to rebuild trust. But that's not the case here.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

I did do something i should not have done actually. I always told her or led her believe i have had sex before, and then suddenly tell her that was a lie i made to make myself feel better.

 

So for her its "he lied to me to make himself feel better", making her think "so what else could he have been lying about?"

 

She and i both agreed though that her mind was conditioned this way, by assaults and abuse, to protect her from any percieved threat. In this case: guys telling her they would never harm her, then later in rage they hit her, or attempt to force sex out of her.

 

I always go for the nutcases it seems. Makes me feel sane in comparison i guess.

[Hkizzle]

Issue 1........

 

Well I don't think it's a bad lie, I mean come on when I was a virgin by the second year of university I was scared people would find out. But you better tell her before you actually do it for the first time because she will probably notice. "Say something like, you know I said I had sex 8 times before? Well actually I haven't, I said that because I was shy about it.....". If you've only had sex 8 times with one girl you'll be basically inexperienced anyway and she's mentioned she wants to teach you.

 

Go watch a porn video, see how the men position themselves. Get a pic and find out where the clitoris is. Let her get on top to begin with.

 

Issue 2..........

 

Yeah I wouldn't be cool with my girlfriend naked in public. But a private examination? Come on....

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Issue 1........

 

Well I don't think it's a bad lie, I mean come on when I was a virgin by the second year of university I was scared people would find out. But you better tell her before you actually do it for the first time because she will probably notice. "Say something like, you know I said I had sex 8 times before? Well actually I haven't, I said that because I was shy about it.....". If you've only had sex 8 times with one girl you'll be basically inexperienced anyway and she's mentioned she wants to teach you.

 

Go watch a porn video, see how the men position themselves. Get a pic and find out where the clitoris is. Let her get on top to begin with.

 

Issue 2..........

 

Yeah I wouldn't be cool with my girlfriend naked in public. But a private examination? Come on....

 

Thanks for the info but the thread has moved way past that.

 

In short:

- I told her about the lie

- She got really upset

- She currently has little to no trust in my ability to be honest

- Our relationship is unstable atm and we are trying to rebuild trust from the ground up.

- Im looking for any advice on what i can for my part to help her gain trust.

[New Again]

I did do something i should not have done actually. I always told her or led her believe i have had sex before, and then suddenly tell her that was a lie i made to make myself feel better.

 

So for her its "he lied to me to make himself feel better", making her think "so what else could he have been lying about?"

 

She and i both agreed though that her mind was conditioned this way, by assaults and abuse, to protect her from any percieved threat. In this case: guys telling her they would never harm her, then later in rage they hit her, or attempt to force sex out of her.

 

I always go for the nutcases it seems. Makes me feel sane in comparison i guess.

 

Meh.

 

The lie you told is pretty understandable, and harmless. The above poster basically pointed that out.

 

So your gf also feels this strongly about "little white lies"? i.e., when a girl asks if you can tell she's gained weight and you avoid answering yes by saying "you always look beautiful to me" or when an 8yo is so proud of a picture he drew, but it's only scribbles and you tell him what a masterpiece it is?

 

I'm sorry your gf has such a traumatic past, but it's not your issue to deal with. She needs to work out her issues before she starts dating someone, IMO. It's having a huge impact on your relationship and how she interacts with you.

 

Either way it sounds like your gf is a huge drama queen, so no matter what she'd be blowing this out of proportion. She likes the drama and control.

[Le Rendezvous]

Damn man! I suggest you just dump her and move on.... No one that is giving you this much drama is worth pining over, because I can assure you that she'll be this way throughout the whole relationship! I know you care about her... but possibly she just needs to grow up. Maybe find someone a little older and more stable who will treat you with some respect!?

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Well, at this moment we are seeing / dating eachother again and attempting to move on. She wanted to introduce me to her half-sister tonight but the half-sister didnt have enough time to talk tonight, maybe next time.

 

I could tell she was making an effort to leave the drama behind and she acted way more like her usual self again although she still seemed a little bit shaken now and then. Still a big improvement since a few days ago though. Insted of "leave me alone so i can think about it" she acted more like "leave it alone so we can think about good stuff." Which of course suits me just fine.

 

Im going to keep acting normal and make an effort to leave it all behind aswell. For me thats easy though, im more then willing to leave it behind and start the trust rebuilding thing. It just depends on her ability to keep up the attitude she had today.

 

Before we said goodnight and she went home to bed i asked her if she thought we were going to be stable and fine again. She replied with "hope so". When i replied with "I am quite certain of it" she said "good" and smiled a little bit.

 

I actually am quite certain we can do it, as long as she, like today, works with me to try to heal the wounds by doing new stuff together insted of sulking alone.

 

EDIT: just wondering, i dont have much relationship experience (no really?..). Is it possible that couple can come out of struggles like these stronger given enough time and effort? Or will relationships always remain 'damaged' and not as good as they used to be?

[start-fresh]

Dude, everybody's told you but I just want to reiterate: the lie you told was extremely minor. This in no way hurt her, and she was just playing you with all that drama. Like the other posters have said, she probably lost interest in you and that was a really convenient excuse to dump you. Now, for whatever reason, (like another option didn't work out or she's bored) she's 'giving you another chance'.

 

Also, asking her not to go skinny dipping was insecure and that probably turned her off a little as well. Your best bet here is to not ever bring this up again, IMO. Just live your life and let it go away. If she brings it up again, don't apologize like a little puppy dog, just brush it off as not a big deal because it's NOT.

 

If you want an opinion as to whether or not you can overcome this 'struggle', my bet would be no. The reason is that this girl sounds immature. A lot of women won't have a problem with you being a virgin, especially if you don't make a big deal out of it, but I can tell you feel this girl already has something up on you. You feel like your inexperience is a big issue in the relationship, and that will make you feel more insecure when you two do get intimate. Hopefully things work out in this relationship, but if they don't, approach the next one thinking your inexperience is not a big deal and I guarantee you things will be a lot better for you.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Dude, everybody's told you but I just want to reiterate: the lie you told was extremely minor. This in no way hurt her, and she was just playing you with all that drama. Like the other posters have said, she probably lost interest in you and that was a really convenient excuse to dump you. Now, for whatever reason, (like another option didn't work out or she's bored) she's 'giving you another chance'.

 

Also, asking her not to go skinny dipping was insecure and that probably turned her off a little as well. Your best bet here is to not ever bring this up again, IMO. Just live your life and let it go away. If she brings it up again, don't apologize like a little puppy dog, just brush it off as not a big deal because it's NOT.

 

If you want an opinion as to whether or not you can overcome this 'struggle', my bet would be no. The reason is that this girl sounds immature. A lot of women won't have a problem with you being a virgin, especially if you don't make a big deal out of it, but I can tell you feel this girl already has something up on you. You feel like your inexperience is a big issue in the relationship, and that will make you feel more insecure when you two do get intimate. Hopefully things work out in this relationship, but if they don't, approach the next one thinking your inexperience is not a big deal and I guarantee you things will be a lot better for you.

 

I didnt ask her not to skinny dip, i merely expressed that i would be uncomfortable with it and she said she didnt want to do anything that made me uncomfortable. I thought i mentioned that.

 

She doesnt give a damn about the lie itself, just the FACT that i lied. She doesnt give a damn about my inexperience, in fact she once said that she kind of liked that.

 

Its just that she feels/felt: "if he lied about this, he can lie about anything." Which is a bloody overreacting, but i do know why she overreacts like that. I just want her to get over that.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

Well sheez, she was grumpy again today and i wanted to sit down and go through it with her step by step but after a good start of talking about it she said she didnt want to anymore and went home.

 

Obviously still upset with me. Patience level currently reaching a very low point but im going to make one more attempt to make her snap out of it before i give up.

 

From what little we talked about tonight, it seems that the motive for not telling me every day between the day i lied until 3 weeks ago when i confessed means the most to her.

 

My motives for not telling her changed over the past 8 months.

 

1.When i told the lie she was with someone else, my chance of having her as more then a good (internet) friend was 0 i thought.

 

I told the lie initially because i felt bad after having to give up the chase. Her talk about how many relationships / sex she had made me feel jealous and i told the lie in an attempt to feel better. (self denial i guess)

 

2.When she broke up with this guy she was shattered by him dissapointing her. She hurt herself bad and needed stitches in her arm. I helped her through it and we got close and started seeing eachother in the real world. Thats when our relationship started kicking off.

 

My motive for keeping silent were pretty much the same as in 'stage 1'. One added motive was her reaction when her ex dissapointed her. I wanted to avoid anything similiar and wait till she was more stable.

Around this time however i also realised i should tell her the truth, but was hesitant since everything was so fragile, and i still wasnt really sure if she didnt just think i was a loser for being a 25 year old virgin. I also felt guilty about lying and sometimes wanted to not think about it. Maybe not wanting to admit to myself more then confront her.

 

3. A few weeks in our relationship she said how much she hates lies more then anything in the world. Perhaps even worse then cheating. Some new motives were added...

 

Well, hearing how she instantly broke up relationships at the moment she found out someone lied to her made it harder to summon the courage. It turns out she kept reminding me how much she hates lies in an attempt to give me a way out should there be anything i was hiding. However, it certainly didnt come across that way and it had the opposite effect on me. I wanted to be 100% honest to her and confess. And i made the decision i would tell her one day when i felt it was right. At that moment she was already struggling with some trust issues so i thought that would increase the chance of a backfire. I still also felt insecure about the lack of sexual / romantic experiences i had compared to her.

Sadly, the fear of her being very hurt and the fear of being dumped often outweight my wish to confess by a small bit. I had quite a few sleepless nights over this.

 

4. After a long period of high stress she started summer holiday and had time to relax and was alot more relaxed.

 

It was at this time i felt that our relationship was stable enough and that her general trust issues were down enough for me to tell her. At this point im no longer insecure about the lack of sexual experience compared to her. So my need to be honest with her won and the courage to tell her finally won out and i told her the truth while being terrified that she would just tell me "you're dumped" and kick me out of her life.

 

 

The linchpinch seems to be the fact she is hung up on the fact that every day i could have told her, but didnt because i was afraid of loosing her, made her feel as though i put my need to be with her above the need to be in a 100% honest relationship.

[spookie]

I own a disprportionate number of other people's v-cards, and I never want to date another virgin again.

 

Too needy/ clingy/ insecure. Too passive in bed. Someone who lies about it IMO would be even more so. Sorry, but I'd run.

 

On the other hand... if I heard that someone had had sex "eight" times, I'd probably have run, anyway.

 

Either way, you need to be hoenst.

[LittleGuyBigIssues]

I own a disprportionate number of other people's v-cards, and I never want to date another virgin again.

 

Too needy/ clingy/ insecure. Too passive in bed. Someone who lies about it IMO would be even more so. Sorry, but I'd run.

 

On the other hand... if I heard that someone had had sex "eight" times, I'd probably have run, anyway.

 

Either way, you need to be hoenst.

 

Yes thanks. I have already confessed to her 3-4 weeks ago. Wish i didnt, because it only ended up hurting us both. And she's still struggling to trust me again...

 

Honesty is overrated.

[Pink Cupcakes]

She should be pretty happy that she can't get an STD from you but make sure that you have her see the doc and get her full STD tests, so you know she is very clean so that you stay that way, too. Insist on seeing the papers from the doctor after her exam since she is not a virgin, before you do it.

For HER this is actually a GREAT thing to have an STD free guy - YOU are at the disadvantage since you could possibly catch something from her. Make SURE she understands this fact - SHE is used goods, she needs to get a test and prove to you she is even a sexual possibility for you. Make it the ball in YOUR court and keep her wondering if she is even someone you want to RETURN the ball for. She has an attitude and you need to stop that now., and she needs to know that SHE would be the lucky one if it got to the point that she is worthy of you sleeping with her. Get your CONFIDENCE back.