Insecure guy has 2 issues to work out

July 4, 2009

Hello, i got two little issues that are really bothering me and i need advice about.

I have known this 20 year old girl for about a year now, we started as internet chat friends, then real life friends, and now we are a dating couple and getting more serious each day. I have been dating this girl for the past month or so and things have been wonderful. So far we havent had sex yet and only made out and did some fondling and stroking. Between dates we sometimes chat on MSN if we cant see eachother (we live some distance apart) and we did have cyber-sex on MSN alot.

Issue 1:

Now i feel ready to start having real sex with her but i got myself in a little situation. I told her i had sex about 8 times before with my ex-girlfriend. But this is not true, my ex-gf and i never had sex, (both my only ex-gf and i wanted to wait till we felt ready, but then she dumped me for someone else....) and im a 24 (almost 25) year old virgin. Uuuurgh...typing that made me feel like a total loser, thank goodness for internet anonymity. I lied about it to make myself feel better and to not come across as a loser, bad move i know. Now im seeing her again tomorrow and i feel that she should know about me being a virgin, but im terrified of her reaction and ashamed i lied to her.

A few days ago she did giggle and joke about how sleeping with a virgin guy is the 11th biggest fantasy of women according to some magazine, and how she was happy i had little sex experience so she could teach me how to please her the way she wants, without me being 'spoiled' by other girls.

This girl has had many sexual experiences and relationships in the past before she met me, and she says she has pretty much done everything except anal sex, which she wants to do with me. I wish she didnt tell me about her sexual past, as i feel intimidated by it and jealous, and i have to fight not to think about her doing those things with people. I manage, as long as she or her friends dont joke about or bring up her sexual past. Im pretty sure it will pass as soon as she and i become sexually active together, she knows it upsets me and she agreed she wouldnt bring it up again and feels sorry she did.

She seems different then a year ago, less 'slutty' and more stable, and her friends mentioned she considers me 'marriage material' and hasnt pushed me for sex because she was extremely impressed a guy was after her personality insted of just her (amazing ^_^) body.

I think she could be either happy to hear she will be the first girl for me, but she might also be very upset and angry i lied to her.

Issue 2:

My girlfriend is at a music festival today, sadly i couldnt make it. There is this record breaking attempt to get as many people to skinny dip at once. She mentioned it and giggled, and i told her id rather not want her to skinny dip. She understood and promised not to join the skinny dipping. But i still felt upset that she even wanted to be naked and play/swim with dozens of other naked people and expose her private intimate parts. I was suprised because last month she had to have a breast exam and felt terrible that she had to expose herself to someone that wasnt me, which doesnt make sense if she wanted to skinny dip with lots of people right?

Im not sure if i should just get over it and be happy she respected my wish for her to not do it, or if i should voice my dissapointment at her wish to want to be naked and swim with dozens (hundreds?) of other people at some festival.

Signed,

The troubled boyfriend of one complicated girl

July 4, 2009

You really should not have lied to her. If she's as sexually experienced as you are claiming she is, she is probably going to notice that you don't really know what you are doing. Relationships need to be founded on trust, and if she knows that you would lie to about something right off the bat, it could make her consider what else you would lie about.

As for the nudity, I don't really think that's anything to worry about. If she wants to do it, let her. There's no intimacy in skinny dipping, especially if with hundreds of people, so I don't see any reason why you would want to be jealous about that.

Imagine the opposite: if she lied to you and said that she was a virgin and then you found out she had been in a mass of sexual relationships. Wouldn't you feel deceived?

July 4, 2009

Issue #1, Don't worry too much about being a virgin. Yeah you should have told her the truth right from the beginning, but I can understand that being a virgin at 24 is a touchy subject for a guy in today's society. Really it's no big deal. So what, you haven't met the right person in your past to have sex with and at least you haven't been out sleeping with every girl that was willing. If your relationship is a good as you say it is then your virginity should not be a big issue.

Issue #2, Now in your post you did actually write that she said she wanted to get naked. Did you just assume that she wanted to get naked too or did she really say that? If she did not say she wanted to get naked and was just amused by that fact that hundreds would then that shouldn't really be an issue. If she did want to join the nude skinny dip, you voiced your opinion. Who knows, maybe other guys she had dated in the past would not have a problem with her doing that. I would see it as a red flag if she knew how you felt about the situation and then did it anyway.

July 4, 2009

You really should not have lied to her. If she's as sexually experienced as you are claiming she is, she is probably going to notice that you don't really know what you are doing. Relationships need to be founded on trust, and if she knows that you would lie to about something right off the bat, it could make her consider what else you would lie about.

As for the nudity, I don't really think that's anything to worry about. If she wants to do it, let her. There's no intimacy in skinny dipping, especially if with hundreds of people, so I don't see any reason why you would want to be jealous about that.

Imagine the opposite: if she lied to you and said that she was a virgin and then you found out she had been in a mass of sexual relationships. Wouldn't you feel deceived?

1. True, i should not have lied, as i confessed in my first post. Im really afraid she will no longer trust me and will start doubting everything i say, or break it off all together. All because i was so damn insecure and embarrassed about being a virgin.. :(

2. I wasnt sure if i was being a overreacting jerk or in my rights to be upset she would want everyone there to see her naked. (Maybe im old fashioned, i dont know.)

3. Telling you are a virgin and then admitting you had a mass of sexual relationships is in my opinion not as bad as saying you had sex a couple of times with 1 person and then admitting you are a virgin. Both are lies ofcourse, and thus bad. (Perhaps im not only old fashioned but also a hypocrite )

July 4, 2009

Issue #1, Don't worry too much about being a virgin. Yeah you should have told her the truth right from the beginning, but I can understand that being a virgin at 24 is a touchy subject for a guy in today's society. Really it's no big deal. So what, you haven't met the right person in your past to have sex with and at least you haven't been out sleeping with every girl that was willing. If your relationship is a good as you say it is then your virginity should not be a big issue.

Issue #2, Now in your post you did actually write that she said she wanted to get naked. Did you just assume that she wanted to get naked too or did she really say that? If she did not say she wanted to get naked and was just amused by that fact that hundreds would then that shouldn't really be an issue. If she did want to join the nude skinny dip, you voiced your opinion. Who knows, maybe other guys she had dated in the past would not have a problem with her doing that. I would see it as a red flag if she knew how you felt about the situation and then did it anyway.

She mentioned there would be a skinning dipping record attempt, then i told her i would not like it if she joined that. To which she said "aawh, ok, then i promise i wont do it if you feel uncomfortable with it."

She would have joined the skinny dipping today if i didnt voice my discomfort about it a few days ago.

July 4, 2009

Ok well, now all you can do is trust her. Some people are much more comfortable with their sexuality and getting naked to break some sort of record is really not a big deal to them. Based on what you said about her it doesn't seem like she is comfortable getting naked in public all the time and don't think the event would have turned into a huge group orgy. She was not hiding anything because she mentioned the event to you and you told her how you felt. Also, once you become more comfortable with your sexuality you may also decide that getting naked to break a record is not as inappropriate as you do right now.

July 4, 2009

Also, once you become more comfortable with your sexuality you may also decide that getting naked to break a record is not as inappropriate as you do right now.

I really do hope so yes Maybe one day ill even feel comfortable enough to skinny dip with her haha

Thanks for your answers people, i feel better now about the skinny dipping, but im still glad she isnt going to do it.

I think i will calmly talk to her and explain why i didnt tell her i was a virgin, and beg for forgiveness for lying. wow, im suddenly scared.

July 4, 2009

Maybe some women here can share their view on how they would react when the guy they were dating confessed he is infact a virgin even though he said he had 1 sexual relationship before?

July 4, 2009

I think i will calmly talk to her and explain why i didnt tell her i was a virgin, and beg for forgiveness for lying. wow, im suddenly scared.

She probably won't be happy you lied to her, but she'll admire the fact that you've got balls enough to admit that you lied, and the fact that you're a virgin. You just gotta do it. You'll feel better afterwards, trust me.

July 4, 2009

Maybe some women here can share their view on how they would react when the guy they were dating confessed he is infact a virgin even though he said he had 1 sexual relationship before?

Well a guy I was dating many years ago... He never told me he had slept with anyone prior to me, but he sure didn't make it sound like he was a virgin. He left me under the impression that he had been with other girls without coming right out and saying it.

Then one night we were getting ready to do the deed. Before he even got inside of me, he went. Minutes later he confessed he was a virgin. Then he started crying.

July 7, 2009

She probably won't be happy you lied to her, but she'll admire the fact that you've got balls enough to admit that you lied, and the fact that you're a virgin. You just gotta do it. You'll feel better afterwards, trust me.

I feel crap....

We didnt get to meet eachother this weekend because we were both busy, but we did manage to send a quick e-mail back and forth and i explained it to her in that e-mail.

A few hours ago i recieved an e-mail back and she was devastated i lied to her. Normally she would dump a guy for lying to her and she says she doesnt know what to do, as she said she always told herself she cant date people that lie to her. And that she was hurting badly.

She didnt care at all im a virgin, and she wrote she guessed i didnt tell her because i was too embarrased and insecure, and that i was afraid of hurting her when i did start to trust her enough to tell her, which would be correct.

She ended the e-mail with only being able to promise that she would fall in love with me every morning she wakes up and that she loves me more then anything else.

I havent been able to contact her any other way so far. I dont know what i should do.

Honesty sucks!

July 7, 2009

Ahhhh! This is something you NEVER talk about over email or text. Doh! You definitely should have waited until you were face-to-face with her.

But I'm glad you did it. Yes, it will suck right now...but it's MUCH better than having that nagging feeling with you every time you're with her, and things start to progress in the physical realm.

July 7, 2009

Ahhhh! This is something you NEVER talk about over email or text. Doh! You definitely should have waited until you were face-to-face with her.

But I'm glad you did it. Yes, it will suck right now...but it's MUCH better than having that nagging feeling with you every time you're with her, and things start to progress in the physical realm.

I hope things will actually progress in the physical realm and that she isnt going to break it off because of this 'white lie'. I guess i will have to wait till/if she contacts me or visits me again. untill then i wont be able to sleep i think...

July 7, 2009

All I can do is ---> LOL

Dating 101 - Keep your mouth shut and remain a mystery.

July 7, 2009

All I can do is ---> LOL

Dating 101 - Keep your mouth shut and remain a mystery.

Seems that way yes...

July 7, 2009

Hi,

The OP needs to gain control of his mind before it wanders off.

Yes, it was a lie, but as I read, I imagined that the woman would be struck in a pleasant way that the lie did not come out of true intent or will to deceive her as much as to hide his own insecurity.

If I were the OP, I would dare to submit to the woman's guidance. The only fear is that she WILL want to sense herself with a man who is at least mildly assertive and masculine-seeming that way. I don't believe this is a deal-breaker at all, but it is a narrow path you'll have to follow when both exposing your inexperience while at the same time being a "male" during intimacy.

Try not to focus so much on the (physical) mechanics and instead do a better job with the dynamics between the two of you.

I really like the way that you two evolved toward one another, and there is an element of the psychology of having first encountered one another online, through chat, that can make the bond between you more intense than it typically is after you've spent a total of two hours together at a coffee shop or a night club.

The first thing you need to do is adopt some confidence and some self-assuredness.

As was the case when you interacted with her online before meeting, you have laid your personal confidences/details on the line in the conversation, and each of you evolved to accept what the other represented, flaws and all.

Being a virgin isn't a "flaw"... but your own mind makes it feel to you like a giant flaw... so you really need to snap out of that, for the good of the big picture.

Consider that she is surely somewhat self-conscious about her own sexual past, and worried somewhat about what you think... so just strive to find a happy medium, where each of you, from opposite (what we'll call) 'extremes', is accepted completely by the other.

Nuf said.

July 7, 2009

Ok, she came by and we talked about it. She was extremely upset, lying is the worst thing a person could do to her she said. But where as she would normally dump a guy for lying (lying is lying, circumstances dont matter) she said i was different, she couldnt let me go and she forgave me. She knows her reaction was harsh but she considers lying about anything to be as bad as cheating on someone.

After talking a few hours we finally kissed and made up. Im still not quite sure if it was a good thing to tell her or if i should have just kept my mouth shut....

July 7, 2009

Ok, she came by and we talked about it. She was extremely upset, lying is the worst thing a person could do to her she said. But where as she would normally dump a guy for lying (lying is lying, circumstances dont matter) she said i was different, she couldnt let me go and she forgave me. She knows her reaction was harsh but she considers lying about anything to be as bad as cheating on someone.

After talking a few hours we finally kissed and made up. Im still not quite sure if it was a good thing to tell her or if i should have just kept my mouth shut....

She would have been able to tell when you went to have sex anyway, there was nothing you could do but tell, just be glad you saved yourself the embarrasement of her finding out when you were actually about to do it, as that would have been much worse.

July 14, 2009

Well, things have gotten weirder...help.

In the week i told her i lied she also went through some other tough moments that really upset her further.

She decided she wants people, including me, to leave her alone and let her 'fix herself'. However she seems to still spend time with atleast 1 or 2 of her friends while barely talking to me. Contact has been reduced to just minor MSN chats now.

She says she still loves me as much as before but that she can temporarily not trust me and needs time and distance to evaluate our relationship and remind herself why she loves me and that she can trust me. She said she knows it will work.

Telling the truth is a massive thing for her, and she would normally instantly dump a guy for telling a lie like i did, no matter how small the lie is or if its a 'white lie' like mine. A bit overkill me thinks but ok.

So, her reaction isnt just because of me lying to her, but also her parents confessing to a HUGE lie in the same week, and someone who tried to physically attack her this week. In the 1 year that i know her i have never seen her this shattered.

But her asking me to give her time/space and not wanting to see me for the time being is really scary. I wanna help her but im stuck on the sideline. And i keep worrying she will decide "nope sorry, i tried but cant get that trust back"

All i can do is twiddle my thumbs and try to believe her when she said she knew it would work.

July 15, 2009

She decided she wants people, including me, to leave her alone and let her 'fix herself'. However she seems to still spend time with atleast 1 or 2 of her friends while barely talking to me. Contact has been reduced to just minor MSN chats now.

She's a liar - best case scenario, a very confused girl - and I'm sorry, but she doesn't like you that much.

She says she still loves me as much as before but that she can temporarily not trust me and needs time and distance to evaluate our relationship and remind herself why she loves me and that she can trust me. She said she knows it will work.

She doesn't know anything except how to placate YOU.

All i can do is twiddle my thumbs and try to believe her when she said she knew it would work.

You are just a little bird eating up all her crumbs. You can believe and do everything she says, or you can finally decide to live your OWN life, not one that is contingent on her feelings for you.

Forget the virginity and the lies - this girl is really, really enjoying playing you right now.

July 15, 2009

Really, she got that upset because you lied to her about being a virgin and now she can't trust you at all...maybe never. Wow, not a very mature reaction at all.

I am guessing she had/has some underlying issues with the relationship and is using this little incident as to cover up the real issues.

Maybe it's good that all this came out into the light. She may not be a fabulous as you think.

July 15, 2009

Yeah it sounds like she never eally took you seriously, she fed you alot of lies. She has experience in mental games as well as physical acts, and it sounds like shes toying with you. Id tell you to stop letting her contact you, but you probably wont do that, so at least make yourself really really unavailable to her, she doesnt respect you right now. When a girl says I need to find myself, its a lie, she needs to find the next guy that she is interested in. You lying to her was her way out of staying with you. Dont let her hang you on a string.

July 15, 2009

OP, sorry to hear of the latest developments.

My suggestions:

You learned something here. You'll be upfront about your sexuality with the next serious potential you meet. You can be a strong male without intercourse experience. Your d!ck doesn't make you a man; your balls do.

Date older women; IOW, women your age or slightly older. You'll still have less sexual experience than most of them, but they'll be more mature, unlike the prior potential.

Learn how to watch a woman's actions. When you hear one thing and see another, that's a red flag to scrutinize her behaviors more closely. When those cute lips you love kissing say something, make sure her actions back it up. Women manipulate with their lips just like men do but their actions rarely lie.

I still got you beat by 10 years LOL

July 18, 2009

Well, the reason why she is such a messed up girl is because she has had lots of abuse in her past, including a couple of occassions in which a guy tried to force her to have sex with him... It really left big scars as you can imagine, for which she is recieving counsilling.

Around the same time i told her about my lie, someone tried to break into her house while screaming he would rape her. The police arrested the bastard before he managed to get inside.

She also discovered that her parents had been hiding a huge secret from her all her life, owh and someone close to her is in the hospital with an illness.

Knowing the full story, im not so harsh on her as i would be if a girl did this. She needs time to get through this, since i hadent talked to her face-to-face lately but only through MSN i couldnt get a proper indication of how depressed she currently was.

Last time i spoke with her was earlier this week, again on MSN as she turned her cell phone off and i dont wanna force anything by just showing up at her house.

She was a mess at first but after a few hours she seemed a little bit more positive again but she still needed time. She said she loved me and that we would soon have lots of awesome life experiences insted of all this nastiness.

Since then there has been no word from her. So im still very wary and i just go about my own business trying not to think about her too much. That way, if its just her needing more time, im doing exactly what she says she needs and she should come back to me when she's out of her depression. If it turns out she lost interest in me, well atleast i can start getting used to living without her right?

I do hope she will climb out of this and comes back to me like she said she would though.

July 18, 2009

Issue #2. Never tell a girl what she can and cannot do. If her behavior isn't up to your standards, find someone else.

RF

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Insecure guy has 2 issues to work out

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