tooinlove Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 So I've been in this LDR for about 3 weeks? ONLY!? It feels like forever. But anyway so my SO and I's only form of communication is the phone, which he doesn't like but uses anyway to talk to me. We can't even video chat because his internet sucks, but anyway, so we talk about 2-3 times a day for at least 30 mins-1 hr and I'm really happy when I talk to him and I never want to get off. He's the one who always says that he has to go like eat or something. And sometimes I know that he's just hanging out at his house not really doing much when he could be talking to me, but he says he'll call me later. I know it wouldn't be good to talk on the phone 24/7 or whenever we have free time, but I can't help but take it personally when he doesn't use that free time to talk to me since we can't even see each other. Does anyone know where I'm coming from? And I don't want to seem too needy or question him, but it's just so hard. This is the only way we keep in touch, but there needs to be limits on it too and I'm having a little trouble with that because I used to be with him like 24/7 before we started this... Ugh, I don't know... This is just so hard...
Island Girl Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 So you were together in the same place before the LD started? How long have you been together? Why did you have to go LD?
bodie124 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 You might want to give the relationship a little room to breathe. When you are apart you are really leading two independent lives. IMO you should keep yourself busy with other things, and back down on making so many phone calls. That will make the times that you do talk more meaningful. It's not hard to run out of material to talk about in that situation.
Author tooinlove Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 We both went to the same college, but he decided to transfer to a college closer to home (which is >400 miles away) for a few different reasons. It's going to be our third year and we've been together since we were freshmen, so about a year and a half. This year, things started to get pretty serious between us. We basically lived together and then all of a sudden we were forced apart when summer started so I guess I'm still getting used to all this...
lesoiseaux Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I totally know what you mean. Those same thoughts have crossed my mind before, especially because I think I could talk on the phone all day. However, as much as I would love to do so, when I really think about it, at a certain point it wouldn't be that fun. You may not believe it but I do. It's just quality over quantity...you don't want your phone calls becoming dull, redundant, and drawn-out. They should be special. You need to have your own experiences separate from him. Go out and do things to tell him about on the phone! Unfortunately talking on the phone is NOT the same thing as hanging out in person (as we all know ), so even if you spent 24/7 together in person, you shouldn't do so when physically apart...it's just different. But I definitely know what you mean, trust me. I still struggle with it too.
lvixen Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 OMG I thought *I* was the one writing this! I'm going through almost the exact same thing as you. Except that we've been physically apart for longer. He calls me frequently and we run out of things to talk about but I still want to stay on the phone with him until he starts saying he has to eat (the biggest one) or do this or do that but I know he is hanging around his house and I have the exact same feelings as yourself. I feel conflicted because I feel I just really want to talk to him or msn him or something but at the same time we don't have much to talk about anymore and I know he knows that so I don't feel that I'm being fair to him. But at the same time I just want to talk to him and I don't really care if we have things to talk about, lol. But I start feeling like if he loved me he would want to be talking to me and so on. So no you are definitely NOT alone and when I read this I felt some relief to know that I'm not alone in this because I thought I was just crazy!
sugarmomma Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 You are becoming too needy and it will turn him off. The message you will be sending to him is that you dont have a life without him. You want him to wonder what you're doing so make sure 2/3rds of the time he is calling YOU to find out what YOU have been up to. You want him to miss you and not be annoyed by your constant NEED for attention. In other words GET A LIFE. You will be glad you did. You can pay me later:)
ratingsguy Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Welcome to the world of LDRs. Most people, women especially, go through this stage early in the LDR, so I think almost everyone here can say we've been there. That being said, there needs to be a level of autonomy, just like in any relationship, as others have suggested. In the context of an LDR, there does need to be a balance between that and wanting to spend time with your SO on the phone. However, the correct balance varies from person to person. I have to respectfully disagree with Sugarmomma. Some guys *like* girls that may come off as "needy". Some guys *like* getting several calls a day. For me, it makes me feel wanted and special. My GF used to call many times during the day, and she had even asked me if she called too much. I've told her not at all... I love hearing the sound of her voice because it warms my heart. And that's the truth (provided I'm not in the middle of something... in which case I'll ask if I can call her back... and she'll do the same thing if I'm calling her and she's in the middle of something). I still call her a lot, but she's definately got me beat in that department. As the relationship has progressed, she's backed down a little bit with the phone calls, but that's just a consequence of spending more time together and getting to know your SO more (although I still get lots of texts ). So if you're thinking you'll always want to speak with your guy on the phone 24/7, understand that those feelings will wane. And it's not because you're falling out of love, either. But like others have said, the calls are about quality and not quantity. My GF makes every call worthwhile, as do I. Whether it's the 1st or the 5th call of the day, I look forward to it and cherish the time spent with the woman I love.
Island Girl Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 There is a totally different dynamic you are dealing with because you were together first and went LD later. I went through this same thing. And, like you, we were living together and then immediately went to LD. It is rough transitioning from seeing that person and spending time with them (even watching TV quietly, etc.) all the time to just phone or computer contact. You are used to physical reassurances, looks, smiles, and gestures that are suddenly gone. So you miss contact and you miss time - just time spent even doing nothing but together. Those who start out LD want this, imagine it, etc. but it wasn't something they had initially. It changes things when you have it all the time without a thought and then it is just *poof* gone. You have to learn to do without what you used to depend on. You have to readjust and fill your time mentally especially when you are alone. Make the most of the time you do have to talk but do not expect him to just sit on the phone saying nothing especially if he was never a phone person to begin with. Realize insecurities that were never a problem before may appear as well. And that most of the time it is all in your head. If he has internet you can do as some do here and plan to watch a movie together on Netflix for instance. Or play online games together. Several of the couples here on LS do that and I think that's a great idea that keep you both entertained together and still allows for chatter during the play. Find something you can do that you like that keep you busy. Scrapbooking, an art class, writing in a journal, etc. All of those can help and I am sure you can even come up with more. And don't sit around by yourself if you aren't going to be occupied. Get out with friends, or pick up a book and go to a local cafe. Doing these things will make talking to him more meaningful and you'll bring way more to the table as far as topics for discussion. And he'll be less likely to take you for granted when you aren't sitting around waiting for contact. In fact - like him - there should be times when you have to reschedule the conversation because you have *life* going on. It doesn't mean you love him less. Just like it doesn't mean he loves you less. It just means that life happens and the relationship flexes with it - and is stronger for it. As I said, My hubby and I started out together for a year and a half also living together before we went LD. We weren't married at that point - we got married 3 1/2 years after going LD. So it isn't the kiss of death or impossible. You just have to learn the new dynamics of how it will be while you have to be LD. I hope that helps you some.
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