Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 For several weeks now I have been wondering if there is any correlation at all between having been cheated on in the past, and the increased likelihood of being cheated on in the future because of the past incident? For this reason, I think I am going to downplay the cheating my H did in our M, to any future Significant Other I may have... as I certainly do not want to put an idea in their minds of THE way to hurt me most... if they should ever change their feelings about me ... I don't want to tell them how best to hurt me... What do others' think? Do you think it increases the likelihood of being cheated on in the future if you tell your new SO? Does your past experience become your Achilles Heel?
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Athena I have been told that your concern is real. That you never tell someone that you have been disrespected in that way (or you downplay it and dont come across as a victim) because otherwise it may subconsciously cause new partners to devalue you. VERY unfair but apparently human nature to some degree. I think its all in how you relay the informatoin.
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Athena I have been told that your concern is real. That you never tell someone that you have been disrespected in that way (or you downplay it and dont come across as a victim) because otherwise it may subconsciously cause new partners to devalue you. VERY unfair but apparently human nature to some degree. I think its all in how you relay the informatoin. Thanks for you response JJ... yes, I have noticed a couple of posts where people have been cheated on yet again... and I wondered why? Have other people noticed this too? I have been thinking I would say my H and I have been living apart too much for too long (due to his working abroad), and the M didn't work out for that reason.... I do not want to focus on Cheating.
asireen Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Don't ask, don't tell. For both cheaters and cheatees.
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 You are a wise woman Athena. I think at some point you want to feel close enough to someone to tell them everything but there are certain things that need time alot of time before they are disclosed.
NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Athena I have been told that your concern is real. That you never tell someone that you have been disrespected in that way (or you downplay it and dont come across as a victim) because otherwise it may subconsciously cause new partners to devalue you. VERY unfair but apparently human nature to some degree. I think its all in how you relay the informatoin. I don't know that it causes a new partner to undervalue you, but I do see it as a problem. Maybe your assessment is right, I was just thinking it makes you look like you are playing the victim. No one likes that. That and it makes the new S.O. feel like you have trust issues - which you may well rightly have. I don't think its a problem to tell someone that you've been cheated on in a relationship, per se. It just can't come up out of the blue and certainly not early on in the relationship. That said, I wouldn't tell because I wouldn't want them to think I am looking for sympathy or trying to make them feel guilty about my pass (wanting to protect me from it).
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 NID what I was told (and Im sure different people see it differently) is that some people will think what caused him to cheat on you if you are so great? why did you stay if he was disrespecting you... All the issues we discuss on the forums but that many people dont look at in the same way. You could say you wouldnt want to be with someone who would think that way but so many things are subconscious. I agree with you about the victim issue. Not attractive
Reggie Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I doubt it could possibly cause someone to cheat on you. If someone has that within him/her, it will happen, regardless. I wouldn't bring it up right away, unless asked.Eventually, if you grow close, I see no problem witj telling the truth.
NoIDidn't Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 NID what I was told (and Im sure different people see it differently) is that some people will think what caused him to cheat on you if you are so great? why did you stay if he was disrespecting you... All the issues we discuss on the forums but that many people dont look at in the same way. You could say you wouldnt want to be with someone who would think that way but so many things are subconscious. I agree with you about the victim issue. Not attractive I hate it when people play the victim or I perceive that to be the case. Nothing more unattractive to me. I agree with what you said earlier about the "timing" issue. Its certainly not something that should come up on the first date. (And "pass" should be "past" in my last post. LOL)
Reggie Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 NID what I was told (and Im sure different people see it differently) is that some people will think what caused him to cheat on you if you are so great? why did you stay if he was disrespecting you... All the issues we discuss on the forums but that many people dont look at in the same way. You could say you wouldnt want to be with someone who would think that way but so many things are subconscious. I agree with you about the victim issue. Not attractive Anyone that would draw this conclusion is probably not the greatest material for a relationship. Presumably, you want someone with half a brain.
Adunaphel Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I am under the impression that it is how you handled being cheated on, and not whether you were cheated on, that could affect your future relationships.
In Like Flynn Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Maybe not throw it oout there but I would always want to know what happened to know how I am dating!! I doubt cheaters state that they were the bad guy they just state we had problems and decided to divorce. But if it got to the point of marriage I would want more information.....even talk to the ex.
reservoirdog1 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I only bring it up if she and I have been dating for a little while and have reached the heart-to-heart stage. And I don't make too big a deal out of it; I answer her questions, nothing more.
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I am under the impression that it is how you handled being cheated on, and not whether you were cheated on, that could affect your future relationships. I am curious Adunaphel... care to elaborate? (I don't think I handled being cheated on very well... I think I held on for way too long. I think I was 'blind' as to WHO my H really was, and the innate character flaws he had which prevent any real change from taking place within him. I think I weakened myself in sticking with him for so many years. I wouldn't want to tell my future partner outright from the get go what I suffered... I think I agree with the many posters here who say they would downplay the effects my cheating H had on me... this way I wouldn't be giving a loaded gun to a future partner)
Reggie Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Athena. that whole loaded gun thing is a remnant of being in a relationship with an abuser(many cheaters are). Just looking at it as if you are giving someone ammo to use against you, shows that your XH did a number on you. Any normal person would never think of using it against you. After getting out of a relationship with a nut, one often projects the nut's qualities on future partners. I think the whole concept of having been cheated on leading to a new person cheating or using it as ammo is a holdover from dealing with an abuser.
Adunaphel Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I am curious Adunaphel... care to elaborate? (I don't think I handled being cheated on very well... I think I held on for way too long. I think I was 'blind' as to WHO my H really was, and the innate character flaws he had which prevent any real change from taking place within him. I think I weakened myself in sticking with him for so many years. I wouldn't want to tell my future partner outright from the get go what I suffered... I think I agree with the many posters here who say they would downplay the effects my cheating H had on me... this way I wouldn't be giving a loaded gun to a future partner) Sure (but you'll have to bear with my english). I think that the fact that someone was cheated on in a previous relationship means nothing per se... you can't control your partner's actions, some of the worst cheaters look like wonderful guys, and being cheated on does not mean being a bad gf or W. IMO what makes the difference for the new partner is how the person reacted to being cheated on... and how he/she talks about it. I am under the impression that if you stayed in a relationship where you were cheated on multiple times, knew about it and put up with it, it might create resentment in your new partner. Some people will feel entitled to act with less respect than they usually would and get away with it just because their partner let their exes get away with much more. (Not that such people are great catches anyway) As in "you allowed *him* to treat you like crap, and now *I* have a drink with a female friend of mine and I almost get my head torn off!" (it's a stupid example, but it's a line I actually got). Not sure whether it makes any sense. Also, I think that if you sound like someone who was hurt by a cheating ex but has unresolved issues, the new partner might wonder if he will end up being the "scapegoat". "My ex cheated on me, I loved him but I am glad I managed to break up with him, had he been honest from the start, I might have given him a chance, but I knew I could not trust him again" sends a very different message than "my ex was a cheater who ruined my life, I wish I never met him, I loved him to death and I would have stayed with him nonetheless but after I put up with all his infidelities he left me for someone else." Anyway it sounds like your past relationship made you stronger, and that you will not tolerate any more cheating... so if you decide to share with your new partner how much being cheated on affected you, why not? As long as you do not give the impression that it will affect your new relationship, it could just help your new partner to know you better - confidences about the past can sometimes be just a gift and a sign of trust. Edit: reggie is right... no normal person would cheat on you specifically to hurt you!
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Athena. that whole loaded gun thing is a remnant of being in a relationship with an abuser(many cheaters are). Just looking at it as if you are giving someone ammo to use against you, shows that your XH did a number on you. Any normal person would never think of using it against you. After getting out of a relationship with a nut, one often projects the nut's qualities on future partners. I think the whole concept of having been cheated on leading to a new person cheating or using it as ammo is a holdover from dealing with an abuser. Interesting. Any advice Reggie? Or will Time just help heal and forget?
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Sure (but you'll have to bear with my english). I think that the fact that someone was cheated on in a previous relationship means nothing per se... you can't control your partner's actions, some of the worst cheaters look like wonderful guys, and being cheated on does not mean being a bad gf or W. IMO what makes the difference for the new partner is how the person reacted to being cheated on... and how he/she talks about it. I am under the impression that if you stayed in a relationship where you were cheated on multiple times, knew about it and put up with it, it might create resentment in your new partner. Some people will feel entitled to act with less respect than they usually would and get away with it just because their partner let their exes get away with much more. (Not that such people are great catches anyway) As in "you allowed *him* to treat you like crap, and now *I* have a drink with a female friend of mine and I almost get my head torn off!" (it's a stupid example, but it's a line I actually got). Not sure whether it makes any sense. Also, I think that if you sound like someone who was hurt by a cheating ex but has unresolved issues, the new partner might wonder if he will end up being the "scapegoat". "My ex cheated on me, I loved him but I am glad I managed to break up with him, had he been honest from the start, I might have given him a chance, but I knew I could not trust him again" sends a very different message than "my ex was a cheater who ruined my life, I wish I never met him, I loved him to death and I would have stayed with him nonetheless but after I put up with all his infidelities he left me for someone else." Anyway it sounds like your past relationship made you stronger, and that you will not tolerate any more cheating... so if you decide to share with your new partner how much being cheated on affected you, why not? As long as you do not give the impression that it will affect your new relationship, it could just help your new partner to know you better - confidences about the past can sometimes be just a gift and a sign of trust. Edit: reggie is right... no normal person would cheat on you specifically to hurt you! What a great post. Thank you! I agree with the points you made, and I will be re-reading your post a couple of times.
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 No that wasnt what I meant. Not that someone would cheat on you because someone else had, but depending on how that information is portrayed it may make them that little bit more likely to treat you with just that little bit less care. I dont say that to be harsh but there is a subconscious thing that many people are not as kind to people that they percieve as victims or subconsciously they believe that if someone treated you badly and you allowed it that you might somehow be entitled to less respect. Im not sure how to phrase it. I never used to believe that. But as the years go by and my situation is futher and further from the norm, I notice that people look at me like whats wrong with you that your life didnt follow the normal path... people who have been lucky enough to have lives largely untouched by bad things may still be generally empathetic but have certain beliefs - in some cases because it protects them from believing bad things can happen to them. Im not sure if I am articulating this properly.
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 No that wasnt what I meant. Not that someone would cheat on you because someone else had, but depending on how that information is portrayed it may make them that little bit more likely to treat you with just that little bit less care. Yes, JJ, you are articulating this well, and I get you. What I think, is that it is very important to have properly healed from the trauma of Infidelity before one moves on to another relationship.
Author Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Edit: reggie is right... no normal person would cheat on you specifically to hurt you! BTW, my H consistently would say that he did not cheat to hurt me! He said he 'has a problem' and 'is selfish' and that's why he has cheated... It's hard to kick a spouse out when they claim they love you. But, over time, by 'watching their actions, not listening to their charming words' you understand what must be done... You say no normal person would cheat on you to hurt you, and my H said he didn't, and I obviously didn't pick a 'normal' person... but... I was a naive and trusting 21 year old when we got married... I didn't see the character flaw. What if I don't see the character flaw in a future mate? Hmm, I would trust that I would recognize Red Flags, especially if given time, a relationship developed slowly. I guess my mistake was getting married after just 7 months of being with my H... it was easy for him to hide those flaws -- he was just charming for that time period.
Reggie Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Exactly. Go slow, Don't put the cart before the horse and have sex with someone too early, as that releases chemicals that cloud judgement. Make sure you bring him around friends and family if you get serious and see what they think of him. They are objective whereas one romantically involved is not. explore his past. If there is any cheating, be very cautious, maybe just exclude him out of hand. I've had to do this a few times while dating. I make no exceptions on this issue. I may have lost some godd relationship opportunities but I realize there are many compatible people without this in their pasts. So, why risk it. Let the cheaters find love with each other.
Olylama Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I see now how you are a good source of advice Athena. I think Keep it private until you are sure. Sure it is love between you and your new partner. Even then there are somethings that need to stay un-said. We live and learn hey?
Author Athena Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I see now how you are a good source of advice Athena. I think Keep it private until you are sure. Sure it is love between you and your new partner. Even then there are somethings that need to stay un-said. We live and learn hey? lol, yeah -- this is my secret source of good advice -- LS! oh, yeah, and that other little thing called Life Experiences... ha ha We do live and learn. However, it's a bummer when my instinct is to trust, love, and stand by...
Trimmer Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I am under the impression that it is how you handled being cheated on, and not whether you were cheated on, that could affect your future relationships. I really agree wth this, and with your great explanation a few posts later. I used to be a "BS", but it's not a brand that will stay with me for the rest of my life; I don't any longer identify myself that way. That's not what I am NOW. Some people hold on to that and carry it with them into the future. I've moved on - it's an experience in my past that I had, lived through, and learned from, and now I'm a whole, confident person again. It doesn't define me any longer, and I don't carry it around like a flag to wave, a dirty secret to hide, a cause to champion, or a burden to struggle under. It's not ME; it's not NOW. If it does come up at some point in the future, she's going to be impressed at how I've accepted my past without shying away or being fearful of it, how I own it without it owning me, and how I've moved past whatever trauma, and am living life NOW. The woman that deserves me is going to get all that.
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