Athena Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 She still has not admitted to being intimate with the man she went to Vegas with and I want you to know that I still do not believe her. I'm not sure that it even really matters to me at this point Ooh! No, really, it DOES matter that she admits it... because what your future success is based on is TRUTH telling... if she never admits it, there is no way to have TRUST in your marriage, and your M needs a foundation of trust to succeed, yes, it's THAT important! She's gotta do it. I am rooting for the two of you.
Athena Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Showing a willingness to lie is not a good sign. She has to come clean.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I know what I’ve done was completely wrong and extremely disrespectful to my husband and our family and I speak from my heart when I say how deeply sorry I am. How do you plan to fix that gap in respect? I know that this road doesn’t exist for me anymore, No I’m not just saying all of this to save my marriage I’m saying this whether we are going to be together or not I can’t be that person anymore. Yes, cheating will always be an option for you. How many relationships have you done this in? I've read about at least 2. You can't just pretend like it's going to stop on its own. That dark part of your heart will always be there... it doesnt go away... it just lurks in the shadows awaiting the right moment. I would like to applaud everyone for noticing and pointing out to my husband that he is Narcissistic. I’ve been telling him this for years and he never saw it before. He is a narcissist, but I suspect you may be similar. I respect my husband and I respect my marriage but at the time of my affair I didn’t respect myself. This is not a cop out for what I did! I truly didn’t respect myself and when one doesn’t respect themselves then what tends to happen is they think in only one direction and never think about others around them, because they just don’t care. I disagree. You can not respect yourself and keep from cheating. You can't cheat if you respect your spouse. You stop thinking about others when your Selfish (narcissistic) . I’m deeply sorry for what I have done, there is not any good reason for what I’ve done. I can tell you that two wrongs don’t make a right and we will get the appropriate amount of help to fix our marriage. All of your comments have really helped us and by reading an outsiders view on this has opened several different doors of communication for us. I hope you both get some help. If you work together you can get through this... but you BOTH have to realize, your messed up in similar directions.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Ooh! No, really, it DOES matter that she admits it... because what your future success is based on is TRUTH telling... if she never admits it, there is no way to have TRUST in your marriage, and your M needs a foundation of trust to succeed, yes, it's THAT important! She's gotta do it. I don't see why she wouldn't tell him if she did boff the guy in Vegas. if allot truly did tell her that he stuck it to other women while with her, I'd think that she'd then say, "oh, you did, did you?....ok then yes, I f####d the guy in Vegas"
Darth Vader Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I don't see why she wouldn't tell him if she did boff the guy in Vegas. if allot truly did tell her that he stuck it to other women while with her, I'd think that she'd then say, "oh, you did, did you?....ok then yes, I f####d the guy in Vegas" If she did ride the Vegas guy, it'll eventually come out. I mean, it's funny how things like that come out into the open years later, then the BS starts out at Day #1 all over again! Just when they think all is said and done, and they finally have what they think is closer, then WHAM!
Athena Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I don't see why she wouldn't tell him if she did boff the guy in Vegas. if allot truly did tell her that he stuck it to other women while with her, I'd think that she'd then say, "oh, you did, did you?....ok then yes, I f####d the guy in Vegas" She's petrified that he will divorce her -- don't forget her stuff was all out of their home by the time she returned from Vegas two days later!... Even after he admitted to her that he had cheated on her, he kept on saying it wasn't that bad, since he 'only' cheated on her pre-marriage.... now that doesn't exactly allow her to level the playing field by admitting SHE slept with the guy during their marriage... she's wary about admitting something he is not willing to 'forgive' her for... it's almost like she needs him to offer her Amnesty and then, after a lot of prodding for the truth, and reassurance, she might come clean...
seibert253 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 If she did ride the Vegas guy, it'll eventually come out. I mean, it's funny how things like that come out into the open years later, then the BS starts out at Day #1 all over again! Just when they think all is said and done, and they finally have what they think is closer, then WHAM! Mr. Vader's right. The truth always seems to have a way to rise to the surface. May take some time, but usually does. It's always easier to get it out early, then start damage control. When it comes out later, you have the original act, and the years of lies, deceit, and cover up to confront. The lies and cover up are always worse than the orginal crime. If she comes clean, he probably will stick around. But, 5 years from now when the truth does emerge, D papers served. When my WW finally defogged and came clean, I specifically told her do not "forget to mention" anything. This is your ONE opportunity to get it all out. If I find out later you didn't tell me the whole story we are done and you're out the door.
Athena Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Mr. Vader's right. The truth always seems to have a way to rise to the surface. May take some time, but usually does. It's always easier to get it out early, then start damage control. When it comes out later, you have the original act, and the years of lies, deceit, and cover up to confront. The lies and cover up are always worse than the orginal crime. If she comes clean, he probably will stick around. But, 5 years from now when the truth does emerge, D papers served. When my WW finally defogged and came clean, I specifically told her do not "forget to mention" anything. This is your ONE opportunity to get it all out. If I find out later you didn't tell me the whole story we are done and you're out the door. You did the right thing with your W, Seibert! It's true, its a whole new devastation each time a new lie gets unearthed, and then the trust and love in the relationship gets chipped away a little more... I recently found out yet another lie about one of H's affairs... see, now so many years later, he'd forgotten about lying about how long one affair was... he originally said it was only for three weeks... but it took him over half a year to admit this affair to me, despite me knowing something was wrong and he was covering up something (caught him in a lie where he said he was home sick from work, in his bed all day, but I hadn't been able to get ahold of him all day and had called his landlord's number, which I had gotten while visiting H a few months prior, so H didn't know I had it, and the landlord opened the bedroom door to find an empty, nicely made-up, unslept-in bed!)... so anyway, now H recently, he said he had carried on with that OW during that whole six month period I had avoided him (I was avoiding him because he was not admitting an affair! ). Then when he came clean he lied and said the affair was only for a three week period ... way back of March the year before (time when the bed was empty)... nope, it was from March to December... and this I found out now, five years later... still shocking... When I registered shock and horror at this news, recently, he said, "Oh, I thought you already knew...".... bust... and yet, what does this show me? He is completely untrustworthy.
Darth Vader Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 You did the right thing with your W, Seibert! It's true, its a whole new devastation each time a new lie gets unearthed, and then the trust and love in the relationship gets chipped away a little more... I recently found out yet another lie about one of H's affairs... see, now so many years later, he'd forgotten about lying about how long one affair was... he originally said it was only for three weeks... but it took him over half a year to admit this affair to me, despite me knowing something was wrong and he was covering up something (caught him in a lie where he said he was home sick from work, in his bed all day, but I hadn't been able to get ahold of him all day and had called his landlord's number, which I had gotten while visiting H a few months prior, so H didn't know I had it, and the landlord opened the bedroom door to find an empty, nicely made-up, unslept-in bed!)... so anyway, now H recently, he said he had carried on with that OW during that whole six month period I had avoided him (I was avoiding him because he was not admitting an affair! ). Then when he came clean he lied and said the affair was only for a three week period ... way back of March the year before (time when the bed was empty)... nope, it was from March to December... and this I found out now, five years later... still shocking... When I registered shock and horror at this news, recently, he said, "Oh, I thought you already knew...".... bust... and yet, what does this show me? He is completely untrustworthy. Trust and love being chipped away a little more? Guess again. It's ALL gone, not chipped away, Blown Away! DAY #1 All over again! See? Some would say DDay all over again!
seibert253 Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 You did the right thing with your W, Seibert! It's true, its a whole new devastation each time a new lie gets unearthed, and then the trust and love in the relationship gets chipped away a little more... I recently found out yet another lie about one of H's affairs... see, now so many years later, he'd forgotten about lying about how long one affair was... he originally said it was only for three weeks... but it took him over half a year to admit this affair to me, despite me knowing something was wrong and he was covering up something (caught him in a lie where he said he was home sick from work, in his bed all day, but I hadn't been able to get ahold of him all day and had called his landlord's number, which I had gotten while visiting H a few months prior, so H didn't know I had it, and the landlord opened the bedroom door to find an empty, nicely made-up, unslept-in bed!)... so anyway, now H recently, he said he had carried on with that OW during that whole six month period I had avoided him (I was avoiding him because he was not admitting an affair! ). Then when he came clean he lied and said the affair was only for a three week period ... way back of March the year before (time when the bed was empty)... nope, it was from March to December... and this I found out now, five years later... still shocking... When I registered shock and horror at this news, recently, he said, "Oh, I thought you already knew...".... bust... and yet, what does this show me? He is completely untrustworthy. Right on about this Athena. No trust, no relationship.
Dexter Morgan Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 She's petrified that he will divorce her well if it is true that he told her about all of his cheating, and he wouldn't want to forgive her for hers, then wouldn't he be a right hypocrite? -- don't forget her stuff was all out of their home by the time she returned from Vegas two days later!... Even after he admitted to her that he had cheated on her, he kept on saying it wasn't that bad, since he 'only' cheated on her pre-marriage ya, well thats just a bunch of bulls##t justification on his part. Not as bad?...LOL, puuleasse....you either screw someone other than your committed partner, or you don't. Doesn't matter that now they have a piece of paper saying they are married. I can imagine a guy sitting there telling his wife, "when I f####d other women, it wasn't that bad because we weren't married". I don't know of many women that wouldn't want to hit him in the head with a frying pan for making a comment like that. Basically he is trying to gaslight her in a way.....brainwashing her into thinking what she did was VERY wrong, but what he did....not so much.....to which I say...bulls##t. .... now that doesn't exactly allow her to level the playing field by admitting SHE slept with the guy during their marriage... she's wary about admitting something he is not willing to 'forgive' her for... it's almost like she needs him to offer her Amnesty and then, after a lot of prodding for the truth, and reassurance, she might come clean... what she can do is never admit it, and divorce him for cheating....before marriage or not.
HsMomma Posted July 11, 2009 Posted July 11, 2009 Dex! You're back - I hadn't seen you post & wondered if you were ok! Have to say, I pretty much agree with everything you said above...guy's a pig & his justifications are indeed B.S.!
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