allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 After 3 years of dating and only 10 months of marriage, I just found out that my wife went to Vegas this past weekend with another man. WOW!!!! That is exactly what I said. History... I am in my early 40's and she is in her mid 20's. This is my third marriage and her second. I have two kids from a previous marriage and she has one. I cheated on her without her knowledge a couple of times during our dating period and have no reason to believe that she ever did on me. We have always gotten along great and have a lot of passion and interaction between each other. Present time... She asked me about two weeks ago if her and some girls from work to go to Vegas for a weekend getaway and I said absolutely. After she departed from the airport I started to feel a little uneasy about the idea and called her. She told me to relax because she was just there with some friends and that she loved me very much and that everything was ok. The next day was very difficult for me and I started to do some investigating. I later discovered some evidence and when I called her back she admitted to be in Vegas with another man. Before she could get home, I moved all of her belongings out of the house and into her parents home and told her that she did not live here anymore. Upon her return to the airport she called me hysterically crying and having an anxiety attack. She wanted to come home and talk it out but I said no. I later agreed to go to her parents home where I allowed her to explain why she did what she did. She stated that she was beginning to feel like she had low self esteem and a guy she met through her job began to tell her how pretty she was and it made her feel good. She then stated that he painted a pefect picture of a good time that the two of them could have in Vegas and after saying no several times, she finally gave in. She stated that the purpose of the trip was to get to know each other better. She states that after she arrived at the room and we talked on the phone for two hours that she realized that she had made a huge mistake and wanted to come home. She stated that the one and a half days was dissappointing and that she never was intimate with him. When I called her the next day and told her that I had discovered that she was there with another man, she said that she told him about it and told him to get out. She states that he left immediately and she never intends on ever contacting him again and never had any feelings for him. Now I am a very prideful man and have never experienced anything like this and you can imagine how crushed I am. I do not believe a word she has told me about the details of the trip or why it happened but I do believe that she is sincerely sorry and regretful of hurting me and our family. I can also tell you that I have never loved a woman like I love this one and while my heart wants to realize that people make mistakes and wants to give her another chance, my pride wants her to pay for her actions with a divorce and never seeing me again. We have talked long and hard about this for the last four days, she has changed her cell number and quit her job. She says that she will take how ever long it takes to prove to me that she is sorry for her mistake and that she loves me, wants me and will never make the same mistake again. I'm at a lost.... She is doing everything that I have asked her to do to prove to me that she still wants me and this marriage but when I look at her it hurts so bad knowing what she did to me and I am not sure that I can ever actually forgive her. I tell myself that I did not deserve this and can do better with someone else that would not cheat on me. On the other hand I am crazy about her and am not sure if I may be turning my back on a woman that truly could be sorry for her actions and never do it again. Some say that this may make our marriage stronger than before but I am not sure that I can live with the disrespect and dishonor that she has brought on me, our marriage, our kids and our family. Thoughts?
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 So you cheated on her a few times and she never knew so its OK but she cheated on you and she has disrespected you and you arent willing to work on the marriage? Reread your post. You live by a terrible double standard. No wonder she needed the attentions of another man. If you arent willing to come clean admit your past affairs and work on making everything right, the kindest thing you could do for her it to let her go.
asireen Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 If you arent willing to come clean admit your past affairs and work on making everything right, the kindest thing you could do for her it to let her go. I agree, if you don't have kids between the two of you, let her go. Hope you have a pre-nup. Stay single and enjoy life, why marry? Although, it is difficult to get a woman 20 years your junior. Unless, you are rich. Nothing wrong with having a much younger woman, but they usually have a bigger leverage, so why marry? If she starts yapping, replace her with another 24 year old.
Author allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Okay, i'll take that... The infidelities on my part were before we were married and were just dating. I have confessed these infidelities with her in our recent talks and it was very hurtful for her to learn but again it was before we exchanged vows. So you cheated on her a few times and she never knew so its OK but she cheated on you and she has disrespected you and you arent willing to work on the marriage? Reread your post. You live by a terrible double standard. No wonder she needed the attentions of another man. If you arent willing to come clean admit your past affairs and work on making everything right, the kindest thing you could do for her it to let her go.
datura_noir Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I agree with jj (BTW, a very wise woman), but you are delusional if you think that she and this other guy got a room and never did anything 'intimate'. My FWH tried to give me that unbeleivable fib, and I handed that little lie back to him still wriggling and told him to keep it....
lkjh Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 You messed up big time too by cheating. But that does not excuse what she has done and you can be certain that she has lied about everything. Im willing to bet that her story will change if you tell her you want her to pass a lie detector test
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Good progress you are looking at things. Youve only been married for 10 months.... She is 20 years younger... Can you get an annulment? If not a quick divorce. If you have these problems after 10 months its not looking good unless you are both seriously committed to MC.
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Did Cheating have anything to do with the demise of your previous two marriages? How about her previous M? What's the history behind your R style?
whichwayisup Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 The infidelities on my part were before we were married and were just dating. Let me ask you this. If she knew you had cheated on her BEFORE you got married, don't you think she more than likely would NOT have married you? See, even though you two were dating, it wasn't just 'casual dating' it was a relationship. You didn't tell her about cheating on her, maybe you should tell her now, atleast this way she won't be the only one who is labelled a cheater.
whichwayisup Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I'm at a lost.... She is doing everything that I have asked her to do to prove to me that she still wants me and this marriage but when I look at her it hurts so bad knowing what she did to me and I am not sure that I can ever actually forgive her. I tell myself that I did not deserve this and can do better with someone else that would not cheat on me. On the other hand I am crazy about her and am not sure if I may be turning my back on a woman that truly could be sorry for her actions and never do it again. She needs to know the truth, that you cheated on her. Your marriage started off on a lie in some sense because you were with someone else and she is unaware of this. You never gave her a chance to forgive you, or even have the real choice if she wanted to marry someone who's already cheated on her. I hope this makes sense to you.
mark982 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 she lied about who she went to vegas with. boinked another man,when she said she didn't(you really don't believe her do you).while you screwed up by cheating before you were married,there is no reason to keep this marriage going. she cheats 10 months into the marriage,think of the support your gonna pay to her after you have some more kids,and one of you two cheat again,which will happen.
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Now I am a very prideful man and have never experienced anything like this and you can imagine how crushed I am. I do not believe a word she has told me about the details of the trip or why it happened but I do believe that she is sincerely sorry and regretful of hurting me and our family. I can also tell you that I have never loved a woman like I love this one and while my heart wants to realize that people make mistakes and wants to give her another chance, my pride wants her to pay for her actions with a divorce and never seeing me again. We have talked long and hard about this for the last four days, she has changed her cell number and quit her job. She says that she will take how ever long it takes to prove to me that she is sorry for her mistake and that she loves me, wants me and will never make the same mistake again. I'm at a lost.... She is doing everything that I have asked her to do to prove to me that she still wants me and this marriage but when I look at her it hurts so bad knowing what she did to me and I am not sure that I can ever actually forgive her. I tell myself that I did not deserve this and can do better with someone else that would not cheat on me. On the other hand I am crazy about her and am not sure if I may be turning my back on a woman that truly could be sorry for her actions and never do it again. Some say that this may make our marriage stronger than before but I am not sure that I can live with the disrespect and dishonor that she has brought on me, our marriage, our kids and our family. Thoughts? My thoughts are, that you are narcissistic, and all is fine and dandy while YOU were the one cheating on her (don't care if you try minimize your having affairs and cheating and lying on her in a serious relationship with a woman just because you hadn't married yet) Suck it up. At least she came clean with you and is trying hard to cut off OM's access to her, and is 'doing everything you ask' -- what the heck did you ever do to 'pay' for YOUR cheating and lying to the same self woman?! Your pride, sense of entitlement, and arrogance is very clear. Why do you expect her to treat you any better than you did her? Are you so special that NO Woman should ever cheat on YOU? It hurts your ego, doesn't it? Perhaps the two of you are good for each other -- both cheaters, don't divorce and then remarry loyal spouses... they would be devastated to be cheated and lied on... yes... even if you 'only' cheat and lie to them before the wedding day. pfffftttt..... talk about only your own feelings... you lack empathy... typical N. traits!
lostsunsets Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 She needs to take a polygraph. She could be lying now. If not. You may want to give her another chance. Go to counseling and try again.
seibert253 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 OK, lets look at it this way: -You cheated, eventually told -She cheated, eventually told, (though I don't think you got the whole story) Game's zero to zero. Now, do you wish to keep play this GAME, or should you call it a tie and move on? Personally, I think you may be able to recover, but not without the WHOLE truth. Another problem is her apparently lack of maturity. Pretty bonehead move to think she could go to Vegas with another man and you not find out about it. My feelings, if it where me, I'd fold and call it a day, (sorry about the pun).
In Like Flynn Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Curious what happened in all the other marriages you two have been in?
seibert253 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Curious what happened in all the other marriages you two have been in? Me too. Can you elaborate?
giotto Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 OK, lets look at it this way: -You cheated, eventually told -She cheated, eventually told, (though I don't think you got the whole story) Game's zero to zero. It's 1-1, isn't it?
Author allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 WOW... The advice here seems to be all over the page. Fortunately, I seem to be able to decifer which opinions seem to be educated and which ones seem to just be hot air. #1 I have told her about my infidelities prior to our marriage. They were very hurtful for her and we are trying to save our marriage together by getting everything out on the table. #2 I'm sure that it will not come as a surprise to any of you but yes, both of my previous marriages ended due to infedelity on my part and so did hers. We actually cheated with each other. #3 No, I do not beleive that she has confessed the whole truth to me about the Vegas trip and that is seriously bothering me. #4 She is back at home and we are doing very good considering but the pain still haunts me bad. She has agreed to counselling and wants to get past this as bad as I do. We both agree that we are cheaters and that the whole cheating thing is very destructive and a road paved with pure misery and we both want to get off of that road and be good spouses and parents from now on. I just don't know if it will ever be the same as before and whether or not I can ever really trust her like I did before. The whole thing is like a bad nightmare.
Bryanp Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 You have been married 10 months and she does this? You would have to be ansolute idiot to believe they were not intimate. She is playing you for a total fool. Who goes to Vegas with another man behind your back and gets a room and nothing happens? She clearly has no respect for you and your marriage. See an attorney about getting an annulment. She clearly thinks you are an idiot and she can manipulate you into believing anything. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Author allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I appreciate your cander and think you are accurate in your assessment of me. I do want you to know that we really are both very well respected by our families and friends and people think that we are a perfect couple that is very much in love and I feel that we both still strongly love each other too. I think this is yet another reason why this is so hard for me. My thoughts are, that you are narcissistic, and all is fine and dandy while YOU were the one cheating on her (don't care if you try minimize your having affairs and cheating and lying on her in a serious relationship with a woman just because you hadn't married yet) Suck it up. At least she came clean with you and is trying hard to cut off OM's access to her, and is 'doing everything you ask' -- what the heck did you ever do to 'pay' for YOUR cheating and lying to the same self woman?! Your pride, sense of entitlement, and arrogance is very clear. Why do you expect her to treat you any better than you did her? Are you so special that NO Woman should ever cheat on YOU? It hurts your ego, doesn't it? Perhaps the two of you are good for each other -- both cheaters, don't divorce and then remarry loyal spouses... they would be devastated to be cheated and lied on... yes... even if you 'only' cheat and lie to them before the wedding day. pfffftttt..... talk about only your own feelings... you lack empathy... typical N. traits!
Author allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I want to tell my wife about me posting this issue on LoveShack and let her read the responses... Is this a good idea?
jj33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 WOW... The advice here seems to be all over the page. Fortunately, I seem to be able to decifer which opinions seem to be educated and which ones seem to just be hot air. #1 I have told her about my infidelities prior to our marriage. They were very hurtful for her and we are trying to save our marriage together by getting everything out on the table. #2 I'm sure that it will not come as a surprise to any of you but yes, both of my previous marriages ended due to infedelity on my part and so did hers. We actually cheated with each other. #3 No, I do not beleive that she has confessed the whole truth to me about the Vegas trip and that is seriously bothering me. #4 She is back at home and we are doing very good considering but the pain still haunts me bad. She has agreed to counselling and wants to get past this as bad as I do. We both agree that we are cheaters and that the whole cheating thing is very destructive and a road paved with pure misery and we both want to get off of that road and be good spouses and parents from now on. I just don't know if it will ever be the same as before and whether or not I can ever really trust her like I did before. The whole thing is like a bad nightmare. This is probably the luckiest thing that ever happened to you. If you didnt have this crisis early on and have to deal with it, it would have surfaced sooner or later. Now you have the opportunity to try to mend it together with a good MC. And to see if you really should be married to one another. As for showing her, if you want to. But it sounds like you two have come to the same conclusion on your own. As for asking her to take a polygraph - are you fing kidding me? You are both at fault here. You are not the police - any "crime" she has comitted was no greater than yours. Going forward your relationship needs to be based on a foundation of trust. Given your respective histories, that will be hard won (the trust). But requiring each other to submit to lie detector test is not the right spirit to start with going forward.
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 OK, lets look at it this way: -You cheated, eventually told -She cheated, eventually told, (though I don't think you got the whole story) Game's zero to zero. Now, do you wish to keep play this GAME, or should you call it a tie and move on? Personally, I think you may be able to recover, but not without the WHOLE truth. Another problem is her apparently lack of maturity. Pretty bonehead move to think she could go to Vegas with another man and you not find out about it. My feelings, if it where me, I'd fold and call it a day, (sorry about the pun). I must add that it is significant that the original poster ONLY told AFTER his wife came clean about her recent affair... OP has been hiding his deception for years! Not a good sign. The wife sucks, but... hmm... let me put it this way: seems like the two of them are made for each other...
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 WOW... The advice here seems to be all over the page. Fortunately, I seem to be able to decifer which opinions seem to be educated and which ones seem to just be hot air. #1 I have told her about my infidelities prior to our marriage. They were very hurtful for her and we are trying to save our marriage together by getting everything out on the table. #2 I'm sure that it will not come as a surprise to any of you but yes, both of my previous marriages ended due to infedelity on my part and so did hers. We actually cheated with each other. #3 No, I do not beleive that she has confessed the whole truth to me about the Vegas trip and that is seriously bothering me. #4 She is back at home and we are doing very good considering but the pain still haunts me bad. She has agreed to counselling and wants to get past this as bad as I do. We both agree that we are cheaters and that the whole cheating thing is very destructive and a road paved with pure misery and we both want to get off of that road and be good spouses and parents from now on. I just don't know if it will ever be the same as before and whether or not I can ever really trust her like I did before. The whole thing is like a bad nightmare. Wow wow wow... okay, well, firstly, I would like to give you credit for being honest here, and admitting that you are both cheaters. But you do want to change. Yet you are afraid your relationship has now been tainted. Listen -- this pattern is just likely to continue, no matter WHO you are married to -- because you will be bringing YOURSELF with you into any new relationship. Since you both love each other so much, and you have both faulted here, and you both are admitted cheaters, try at least to work on your marriage AND on yourselves! I say go for independent and marital counseling. Give this at least one year before calling it quits. Good luck. (oh, btw, don't try downplay your faults by saying you only cheated BEFORE marriage... that's just a technicality... you know you are perfectly capable of cheating within a marriage too... so don't laud it over your W. Try work on your faults and your M).
Athena Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I want to tell my wife about me posting this issue on LoveShack and let her read the responses... Is this a good idea? I wouldn't Allot, since when you need to vent and ask for advice in the future, it will have to be censored due to access by your wife... not much good for you is it? What, specifically, is it that you wish for her to read and benefit from? You can just summarize it and say you spoke to a friend/counselor/advice column and this is what you got from it.... BUT make sure you do not tell her it is an Internet forum, because it will be pretty easy for her to find this site, since all she has to do is type in a few relevant words (esp if you quote or copy and paste any responses from here) and LS will come up! Remember this is a public forum, searchable on the Internet by a word search... take care...
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