allotapride Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 After 3 years of dating and only 10 months of marriage, I just found out that my wife went to Vegas this past weekend with another man. WOW!!!! That is exactly what I said. History... I am in my early 40's and she is in her mid 20's. This is my third marriage and her second. I have two kids from a previous marriage and she has one. I cheated on her without her knowledge a couple of times during our dating period and have no reason to believe that she ever did on me. We have always gotten along great and have a lot of passion and interaction between each other. Present time... She asked me about two weeks ago if her and some girls from work to go to Vegas for a weekend getaway and I said absolutely. After she departed from the airport I started to feel a little uneasy about the idea and called her. She told me to relax because she was just there with some friends and that she loved me very much and that everything was ok. The next day was very difficult for me and I started to do some investigating. I later discovered some evidence and when I called her back she admitted to be in Vegas with another man. Before she could get home, I moved all of her belongings out of the house and into her parents home and told her that she did not live here anymore. Upon her return to the airport she called me hysterically crying and having an anxiety attack. She wanted to come home and talk it out but I said no. I later agreed to go to her parents home where I allowed her to explain why she did what she did. She stated that she was beginning to feel like she had low self esteem and a guy she met through her job began to tell her how pretty she was and it made her feel good. She then stated that he painted a pefect picture of a good time that the two of them could have in Vegas and after saying no several times, she finally gave in. She stated that the purpose of the trip was to get to know each other better. She states that after she arrived at the room and we talked on the phone for two hours that she realized that she had made a huge mistake and wanted to come home. She stated that the one and a half days was dissappointing and that she never was intimate with him. When I called her the next day and told her that I had discovered that she was there with another man, she said that she told him about it and told him to get out. She states that he left immediately and she never intends on ever contacting him again and never had any feelings for him. Now I am a very prideful man and have never experienced anything like this and you can imagine how crushed I am. I do not believe a word she has told me about the details of the trip or why it happened but I do believe that she is sincerely sorry and regretful of hurting me and our family. I can also tell you that I have never loved a woman like I love this one and while my heart wants to realize that people make mistakes and wants to give her another chance, my pride wants her to pay for her actions with a divorce and never seeing me again. We have talked long and hard about this for the last four days, she has changed her cell number and quit her job. She says that she will take how ever long it takes to prove to me that she is sorry for her mistake and that she loves me, wants me and will never make the same mistake again. I'm at a lost.... She is doing everything that I have asked her to do to prove to me that she still wants me and this marriage but when I look at her it hurts so bad knowing what she did to me and I am not sure that I can ever actually forgive her. I tell myself that I did not deserve this and can do better with someone else that would not cheat on me. On the other hand I am crazy about her and am not sure if I may be turning my back on a woman that truly could be sorry for her actions and never do it again. Some say that this may make our marriage stronger than before but I am not sure that I can live with the disrespect and dishonor that she has brought on me, our marriage, our kids and our family. Thoughts?
dobler33 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 welcome to LS. i don't see any mention of your feelings about having cheated on her. it seems like there can't be any honesty at all until you come clean. don't you feel you are holding her to a bit of a double-standard? what about the disrespect and dishonor you brought on her with your infidelities? forgive me if this sounds attacking, it is not meant as such. just something to think about.
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 After 3 years of dating and only 10 months of marriage, I just found out that my wife went to Vegas this past weekend with another man. WOW!!!! That is exactly what I said. History... I am in my early 40's and she is in her mid 20's. This is my third marriage and her second. I have two kids from a previous marriage and she has one. I cheated on her without her knowledge a couple of times during our dating period and have no reason to believe that she ever did on me. We have always gotten along great and have a lot of passion and interaction between each other. Present time... She asked me about two weeks ago if her and some girls from work to go to Vegas for a weekend getaway and I said absolutely. After she departed from the airport I started to feel a little uneasy about the idea and called her. She told me to relax because she was just there with some friends and that she loved me very much and that everything was ok. The next day was very difficult for me and I started to do some investigating. I later discovered some evidence and when I called her back she admitted to be in Vegas with another man. Before she could get home, I moved all of her belongings out of the house and into her parents home and told her that she did not live here anymore. Upon her return to the airport she called me hysterically crying and having an anxiety attack. She wanted to come home and talk it out but I said no. I later agreed to go to her parents home where I allowed her to explain why she did what she did. She stated that she was beginning to feel like she had low self esteem and a guy she met through her job began to tell her how pretty she was and it made her feel good. She then stated that he painted a pefect picture of a good time that the two of them could have in Vegas and after saying no several times, she finally gave in. She stated that the purpose of the trip was to get to know each other better. She states that after she arrived at the room and we talked on the phone for two hours that she realized that she had made a huge mistake and wanted to come home. She stated that the one and a half days was dissappointing and that she never was intimate with him. When I called her the next day and told her that I had discovered that she was there with another man, she said that she told him about it and told him to get out. She states that he left immediately and she never intends on ever contacting him again and never had any feelings for him. Now I am a very prideful man and have never experienced anything like this and you can imagine how crushed I am. I do not believe a word she has told me about the details of the trip or why it happened but I do believe that she is sincerely sorry and regretful of hurting me and our family. I can also tell you that I have never loved a woman like I love this one and while my heart wants to realize that people make mistakes and wants to give her another chance, my pride wants her to pay for her actions with a divorce and never seeing me again. We have talked long and hard about this for the last four days, she has changed her cell number and quit her job. She says that she will take how ever long it takes to prove to me that she is sorry for her mistake and that she loves me, wants me and will never make the same mistake again. I'm at a lost.... She is doing everything that I have asked her to do to prove to me that she still wants me and this marriage but when I look at her it hurts so bad knowing what she did to me and I am not sure that I can ever actually forgive her. I tell myself that I did not deserve this and can do better with someone else that would not cheat on me. On the other hand I am crazy about her and am not sure if I may be turning my back on a woman that truly could be sorry for her actions and never do it again. Some say that this may make our marriage stronger than before but I am not sure that I can live with the disrespect and dishonor that she has brought on me, our marriage, our kids and our family. Thoughts? First of all, it's a complete myth and a lie that this incident will "strengthen your marriage". This will remain with the two of you forever. You will have to find a way to recover from it, and that will take lots of counseling and lots of time, probably years. There's very little in the form of answers you will find on this forum, because your issues require a lot more time and analysis than anyone here can provide you. What you need to do is immediately find a marital counselor, and the 2 of you should start going together. That's step 1.
Author allotapride Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 Okay, i'll take that... The infidelities on my part were before we were married and were just dating. I have confessed these infidelities with her in our recent talks and it was very hurtful for her to learn but again it was before we exchanged vows. welcome to LS. i don't see any mention of your feelings about having cheated on her. it seems like there can't be any honesty at all until you come clean. don't you feel you are holding her to a bit of a double-standard? what about the disrespect and dishonor you brought on her with your infidelities? forgive me if this sounds attacking, it is not meant as such. just something to think about.
dobler33 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Okay, i'll take that... The infidelities on my part were before we were married and were just dating. I have confessed these infidelities with her in our recent talks and it was very hurtful for her to learn but again it was before we exchanged vows. i hear that. but i'm not sure if, emotionally, those infidelities hurt her any less than her infidelity has hurt you. i'm advocating an equal compassion and empathy here, does that make sense? what caused you to cheat? what made it seem like it was alright or that it wouldn't hurt her or that she'd never find out? if you sit and think about these things and then try to extend that same forgiveness and understanding to her that you extend to yourself, you might not feel quite as dishonored. i'm glad you're both putting everything on the table, though. and i'll tell you that you can rebuild your marriage after an infidelity. but you're going to have to step down from your anger and be a partner in that reconstruction, not just the aggrieved party.
asuman Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 i hear that. but i'm not sure if, emotionally, those infidelities hurt her any less than her infidelity has hurt you. i'm advocating an equal compassion and empathy here, does that make sense? what caused you to cheat? what made it seem like it was alright or that it wouldn't hurt her or that she'd never find out? if you sit and think about these things and then try to extend that same forgiveness and understanding to her that you extend to yourself, you might not feel quite as dishonored. i'm glad you're both putting everything on the table, though. and i'll tell you that you can rebuild your marriage after an infidelity. but you're going to have to step down from your anger and be a partner in that reconstruction, not just the aggrieved party. Most marriages do not survive infidelity. Some do.
TroyNJ Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Make her take a lie detector test, if she passes it and didn't sleep with him, consider giving her another chance.
LisaUk Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Make her take a lie detector test, if she passes it and didn't sleep with him, consider giving her another chance. I have a batch degree in Psychology and can tell you lie detector tests are B/S. I agree with much of the other advice given, you've both had indiscretions, on your part physical on hers at least emotional. I guess you need to figure out why? MC only way to go.
sugarmomma Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I cheated on her without her knowledge a couple of times during our dating period and have no reason to believe that she ever did on me. There is no mention in the OP that you told her about your cheating, I don't believe you did. Along with your pride you may want to add self righteous. For pete's sake! YOU CHEATED ON HER MORE THAN ONCE. It doesn't matter WHEN it was. Cheating is cheating. You don't want to forgive her because you know she is just like you. No fun when the rabbit's got the gun!! The reason I don't think she knows about your cheating is how both of you responded. If she knew about your cheating, neither of you would have responded so erratic (you moving her things out, her quitting her job in this economy) She deserves to know and that would ease her of all the freaking unearned guilt she is feeling. Because of your self righteous response, this marriage is probably doomed. You probably now have a "cheat for free card" and will use at your leisure. I just don't have a lot of compassion for people cheat in secret and then become self righteous when they are cheated on. If you give her a lie detector be sure to take one yourself.
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