lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I'd like to hear other people's opinions on this subject: If you're dating someone, what do they owe you, for example, as far as "answering" to you? And where's the line between honesty, respect and privacy? I realize that "dating" is a very grey term. In this case, it's still going to be grey, but for this question I mean you've been "dating" for some period of time (weeks, months maybe) but aren't exclusive yet for one reason or another.
EYECANDY000 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 1 is respect each other 2) its about common courteous If you aren't exclusive with that person then never expect more that what's already on the table. I've been in certain instances before where I was dating someone and we weren't exclusive and he reveiled that he was still going on dates with other girls. Was I upset? Yes! But also I realized we weren't exclusive so he was free to date whomever he wanted.
carhill Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 "Owe"? Nothing. It's more about what you'll accept as healthy. If you feel the dynamic is unhealthy for you, and you've communicated those boundaries to no avail, end it.
girl68 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I would like to know why after multiple weeks maybe months you STILL don't know if you want to see this person through (as in exclusively). And if you're saying well I would if he would: RED FLAG! In his book: how after weeks maybe months does he STILL not know if he'd like to see you through? See the problem here? I would say he owes you absolutely nothing, nor do you owe him. Except for honesty you both owe eachother that. He should not be saying that he's not sleeping with other girls if in fact he still is, he should not say he's not dating if in fact he still is. You should not be saying either of the above if it isn't true. You owe eachother nothing except for being honest about both of your feelings. Though both of you do have a right to privacy. If you ask and he doesn't want to answer he should not lie, but say I'd prefer not to answer that right now- or something to the same effect.
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 If it's "undefined", therefore meaning non-exclusive, ergo CASUAL, then besides the honesty of acknowledging these undefined terms, you "owe" each other nothing.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Eyecandy - Most likely that sums it all up right there Carhill - (Forgive me if I'm unclear) What if the girl in the R is OK with something when she's just "dating" the boy (and I don't mean over anything huge like lying, or finding out he's cheated on all his past gfs, stuff like that); but suspects that she may not be as comfortable with it once they're exclusive? So in other words, some things might have different boundaries based on the type of relationship, if that makes sense? Is that when you stop dating the person, or do you wait patiently until you have the "right" to address the issue, if it comes up in the R? What if neither of you is seeing other people, but you're still not "together"? Does that change someone's "rights"? Girl - I agree with you about honesty, but again, I think that comes down to boundaries and where are they? In your response you say that if you ask a question, the person should answer it (one way or another), and be honest. So here you're assuming a particular boundary. I know people (guys and especially girls for some reason) who feel that if you're not exclusive, you don't have the right to ask the other person questions like if they're dating anyone else.
carhill Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 OP, you simply express your desires and boundaries and it is completely out of your control whether your dating partner (or spouse for that matter) chooses to validate/accept/respect/embrace them or not. You take action upon those choices based on your own psychology and what you perceive is healthy for you. IOW, accept the reality and decide if it is to be *your* path. Regarding exclusivity - here's me .... "I love being with you and sharing myself with you. I can't imagine, right now, spending time with, or being with anyone else. I believe in exclusive intimate relationships. How do you feel about that?". Then, listen and accept. That's it. It's completely open-ended. The other person can choose any path they wish. I accept that. I can only control my actions, not theirs.
girl68 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I know people (guys and especially girls for some reason) who feel that if you're not exclusive, you don't have the right to ask the other person questions like if they're dating anyone else. Yes, I think you are allowed to ask if you're seeing anyone else. What you don't have the right to do is demand that they don't see other people if in fact you two are not exclusive. It may not be the BEST idea to be all like "Hey John, are you like, dating or seeing other girls other than me?" But I wouldn't think it to be all out of line should you work the question into the conversation. I have a few times, and I've never been given the boot becasue of that.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Jilly that's a very black/white answer - maybe I'm making a black/white issue into a grey one!? Carhill - thanks! That's a very sage answer...and pretty diplomatic, as usual. Mostly I'm wondering about this for a variety of reasons (discussions with friends, threads on here, my own past experiences and opinions about this, simple curiosity about how people's views...), but also trying to get some input to learn from for the future now that I'm single again
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Jilly that's a very black/white answer - maybe I'm making a black/white issue into a grey one!? I don't mean this sarcastically! I just read it again when it posted and thought uh oh, that looks like I'm being a smartass or something. Yes, I think you are allowed to ask if you're seeing anyone else. What you don't have the right to do is demand that they don't see other people if in fact you two are not exclusive. It may not be the BEST idea to be all like "Hey John, are you like, dating or seeing other girls other than me?" But I wouldn't think it to be all out of line should you work the question into the conversation. I have a few times, and I've never been given the boot becasue of that. I'm not implying anything about you, but my friends who feel this way think that 1. you simply don't have the right to ask those questions and 2. asking them makes you look needy and insecure. For them it's also very black/white. It simply isn't OK, and they don't think any nuances of the particular individuals or their relationship with each other comes into play at all.
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Jilly that's a very black/white answer - maybe I'm making a black/white issue into a grey one!? No, it's just that you're (obviously) caught in a grey situation, but you're only presenting and sharing black and white issues.
girl68 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 You asked for other opinions/ insight... I'm giving you mine and my experiences and thoughts and you're dismissing them because they are not the same as your friends. Stay on the black side then, I prefer to have a little more light.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 No, it's just that you're (obviously) caught in a grey situation, but you're only presenting and sharing black and white issues. That's actually very true. It's a combination of having been in that grey area in a previous R, and seeing the potential for it to happen again. I working on myself to change what I can about putting myself in that type of situation, but ... Maybe the solution is to just make it be black and white, for my own peace of mind.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 You asked for other opinions/ insight... I'm giving you mine and my experiences and thoughts and you're dismissing them because they are not the same as your friends. Stay on the black side then, I prefer to have a little more light. I'm not dismissing them! I'm happy you're sharing - by presenting another argument, I'm simply asking you to elaborate, or discuss...sorry, I didn't mean to offend! I personally tend to agree with you about that topic, but often I'm dealing with people who don't agree.
Stark Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Can you describe what kind of dating. As in, you meet someone up for a night with them anywhere, you don't really see them/talk to them aside from that and met them at a bar or something or internet dating website. Or do you mean someone who you spent months talking to via internet/phone/seeing each other in real life, someone you've kind of built up an friendly relationship with which blossomed a bit more then that. Depending upon what it is, the first one I don't think they really owe me nothing, they can see other people until it becomes apparant through actions it's going somewhere closer But the second one, when you've spent the time getting to know and talk to someone first and later the relationship kind of happened, I think that messing around with someone else shouldn't be an option Too much time invested and getting close to be messing around with other people in regards to the second answer, not saying that you rush in or anything like that, but the option to see other people should be off the cards at that point and thats when you consider giving the relationship a go. Of course everyone is different, but it's best to be straight up what you find acceptable and what you don't. Nothing worse than thinking somethings going great and you're getting close only to find out that they are seeing someone else. Nothing worse that puts you off anyone than finding that out.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Stark - my personal experience is the second type of example you gave; but I'm interested in hearing anyone's take on this, however it comes to their mind - thanks for sharing both scenarios! Again, I'm interested in this topic in general, even though I'm trying to learn from it to apply to a specific situation I have in mind as well as in future relationships. I don't think the *only* boundary is seeing other people (or not), although maybe my title leads people to think that? And also, that's probably the biggest issue couples encounter who aren't exclusive yet, which I'm guessing is another reason it's being brought up.
mammax3 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I agree, I think other boundary issues in an undefined (read: no labels, non-exclusive) relationship may also include: talking about the relationship to others any sort of PDA's heavy emotional support invitations to family events The reason I think these might be issues are due to individuals perceived acceptance on when these things can happen - is there a certain month when Boing! It's ok to grope in line at McDonalds? or when it's okay to ask the dating partner to come over and bring 2 quarts of Chocolate Rocky Road ice cream and a box of kleenex? I think I hear what you're saying Lora, since if the dating partner never ever wants to come to Aunt Hilda's retirement party or the like, then perhaps you have different expectations and wants from the relationship. All the better to get out of early if you want to preserve a bit of emotional self...? As for how to go about establishing that? I have no idea. I'm looking forward to other responses too. I'm painfully open and honest and I think that can be as detrimental as being too reserved.
Author lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Yeah, I think you got it Mammax! But also, what if at the dating point it's hard to tell if the retirement party is a deal breaker??!!
NotNow Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I'm eager to hear what everyone has to say about this topic also - like JB and Lora said, what about the gray areas?? You can click my name and read a thread I started awhile ago about this, but basically: Dating a guy, he's not my boyfriend, but we're emotionally supportive of each other, friendly with each other's families, we're dating exclusively, and have said "I love you." We have both said to each other (because of distance), it's ok for you to date other people. It's just that neither of us is interested in doing that at the moment (he's also older, in his early 30s; I just got my masters and am mid 20s). This distance thing will be changing next week though! Anyways. That's an undefined but exclusive relationship, and "gray" I think. So at one point I had an issue with him being friends with his ex - yes, for a reason, not just because!! For me, I found it perfectly acceptable to bring this up with him and discuss it, but he didn't, since I wasn't his gf. He was nice about it, and we discussed it like adults - he didn't blow me off, but he did very gently let me know that was one of his boundaries. I thought about it, and talked to my friends about it (who agreed with him), and decided that I'm OK with that. However, once I'm there with him (probably we'll be officially committed at that point), I'm going to have to evalute the situation again. At that point, it will be my business - but it's like - if it turns out that there is a problem, or it comes up again...
NotNow Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Just wanted to throw out there that I was reading in the Cheating, Flirting and Jealousy forum and there's a thread about a guy a girl is dating, not her bf, throwing a fit because she told him (out of courtesy it seems) she was going to platonically meet up with an exbf. Interesting, because many people replying to that thread seem to think it's OK for the guy she's dating to tell her not to see her ex, which is very different from what most people said in this forum so far - she didn't have to tell him, and he doesn't have a right to care if she does.
Recommended Posts