cyann203 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Hi all, someone on my ship referred me to this site and said great things about you all. So I wanted to give it a shot because I am losing my mind. Here is the scoop, I started the deployment kissing my wife good bye and 2 weeks into it I started to get depressed. I got to the point where I began to doubt my marriage of 4 years, whether or not I feel that I complete my wife and truly make her happy. We are both military and we have been used to being apart. I stooped so low that I began a relationship with a blast from the bast via facebook from someone from my highschool. I started to get high of that fresh and new feeling of discovering that I felt more compatable with her than my wonderful wife. My depression lasted for 2 months and during that I beat down my wifes emotions teribbly. We started talking about divorce and then I snapped out of it, completely. I told the other woman that I could not fdo this and I was wrong for doing this and I made peace with my wife and we were closer than we ever were, it was great. Love was flying so high that I was swimming in an oceaon of happiness. We were extatic. Then the guilt set in that I was horrible to her and that I had an emotional affair. So i confessed this to her. She was very upset and them the next day I got the dear johnny letter. However I did this before 2 years ago when i was alone and depressed. For the past 2 months she was done with me. I battled with her for 2 moths trying to save my marriage because I do love her very much. Then I suggested that since she has 1 year left with the navy, why not give it a fighting chance. I explained to her she has everything to gain if we can make it through this and nothing to lose because she would be going back home. I got the same No No No, but 3 days later she emailed me stating we need to talk. This happened last week. She explained to me that we will not get a divorce but she wants a seperation, she is still moving in with her friend (who by the way I feel she is not a good influence on her), when I get back from deployment, I need to get into counseling and then we can start dating each other again. So I was so happy and I agreed. She also is open to couples counseling as well. We discussed the rules of the seperation and I felt that we should not date other people during this because I think it would only add distractions while we are trying to see if we can work this through. The very next night while she was out dancing, a Chief asked her out and she said yes. She told me about it and said that he invited her back to his house and she really wanted to say yes but she didnt. But she liked to see him again, so I was destroyed. So we argured about that for a day, but I just dont want to argue with her anymore. She allows me to call once a day and we usually talk for an hour or so, and I cherish those conversations. Yesterday was our 4 year Anniversary and i sent a dozen roses and a very sweet card with something I wrote for her and we had a good day. I just dont know if she is really willing to try this or not. I wish i could get a read or an emotion from her that lets me know that she wants to do this or at least hopes she wants to get through this. All I get is monotone maybe's and such. I feel like I am prodding so much from her that I will scare her away. I am hanging on to the one thread i have because I dont feel our marriage is broken, just wounded. I know I have to fix myself before I can start on us but I am dying inside. Please any advice on how i should be because I have 50 days left on this deployment and I am afraid she will do something stupid by sleeping around or dating. She did agree that she wouldnt but she promised me that last week and did it 2 days later. Thanks, I really could use something from here, because I dont have much here on this ship.
LisaUk Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Hi Cayyan, of course we are all here for you, the guys on this froum are great and have all helped me so much. To start i would suggest you read the following threads MrmayI, Derek12b, Tojaz, Lupa. All of which will get you clued up very quickly on your martial situation and what you can and should do for here on in. Keep posting.
TroyNJ Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 cyann, first let me say it's great you came clean about the EA to your Wife. I also ventured down the same path as you did, my wife reacted a bit different than yours, at first it was ok she always wanted sex (I later learned this was normal) and I though it would be a "bumpless" transition back to marital bliss, I though I got off easy so to speak. About a month later my wife becake bitter and started to distance herself from me, I told her I would do whatever she needed to repair things, and I meant it. I tried not because I had too, i wanted to show her how comitted I was, nothing seemed to work. This went on for a good year or so, i started to say "too hell with it" because I was getting nothing in return, I told her I would no longer live like we were, I was the only one trying to make it work and said I wanted out. Her reaction was indifferent, she didn't give any real signs that she cared. I started to move on while still in the House, I had limited contact with her, we only discussed finincial matters and issues dealing with the kids. I started doing things that made me happy, I love model trains and I started on a huge layout. I made myself happy and tried to not think about the marriage, then a funny thing happened. She started to persue me in ways she had never did, i noticed her being extra nice and she also did "things" to try and make me notice her. What I did without really knowing it was give her space and at the same time worked on getting myself "in a better place" mentally. I guess this made more more desirable?? This all eneded about 16 months ago and our marriage has never been better. Your situation is different, she had dated another man which makes things more complicated, my advice to you is this..GIVE HER SPACE, it's likely your only chance, stop calling her, don't beg or even discuss your marriage, don't be a "beta male". Show her you are strong (even though I know your hurting like hell) and can and will move on without her..Right now if you don't do these things you will almost surely push her further away. I know the pain and mental anguish but you need to do this immediately, trust me bro and if not me I'm sure others will back me up on this. You have to become the prize not her. Keep your head up and keep posting, we are here to help! Troy
LisaUk Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 cyann, first let me say it's great you came clean about the EA to your Wife. I also ventured down the same path as you did, my wife reacted a bit different than yours, at first it was ok she always wanted sex (I later learned this was normal) and I though it would be a "bumpless" transition back to marital bliss, I though I got off easy so to speak. About a month later my wife becake bitter and started to distance herself from me, I told her I would do whatever she needed to repair things, and I meant it. I tried not because I had too, i wanted to show her how comitted I was, nothing seemed to work. This went on for a good year or so, i started to say "too hell with it" because I was getting nothing in return, I told her I would no longer live like we were, I was the only one trying to make it work and said I wanted out. Her reaction was indifferent, she didn't give any real signs that she cared. I started to move on while still in the House, I had limited contact with her, we only discussed finincial matters and issues dealing with the kids. I started doing things that made me happy, I love model trains and I started on a huge layout. I made myself happy and tried to not think about the marriage, then a funny thing happened. She started to persue me in ways she had never did, i noticed her being extra nice and she also did "things" to try and make me notice her. What I did without really knowing it was give her space and at the same time worked on getting myself "in a better place" mentally. I guess this made more more desirable?? This all eneded about 16 months ago and our marriage has never been better. Your situation is different, she had dated another man which makes things more complicated, my advice to you is this..GIVE HER SPACE, it's likely your only chance, stop calling her, don't beg or even discuss your marriage, don't be a "beta male". Show her you are strong (even though I know your hurting like hell) and can and will move on without her..Right now if you don't do these things you will almost surely push her further away. I know the pain and mental anguish but you need to do this immediately, trust me bro and if not me I'm sure others will back me up on this. You have to become the prize not her. Keep your head up and keep posting, we are here to help! Troy Exactly, this is what you will see in the threads I have suggested you read, it's called the 180. Read them, it's easier said than done, but those who have reconciled with thier spouse, such as trustinyourself adn Owl are essentially saying, focus on you.
Author cyann203 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I know what your saying, my brain is swirling around like a wirlwind because I still have 50 days on this deployment before I can get back and start doing the things I know I need to do, to show her i am committed to this. What pisses me off is that I had to taste the thought of losing her to realize that she was my everything. I know what she is going through, she is loving her new lifestyle because she goes out with her G/F and they party it up and she like the attention she is getting. I dont fault her for it, it is because of me that this has happened. I wish it was easier to just to giver her space, but I am hurting liek hell inside and its not liek I can do anything remotely fun to keep myself occupied on this ship either. I know when I get home things will be different, I have good friends waiting for me to go out and have fun. But until then i feel like I will rot until that happens. I just want her to say "I still love you, but you really hurt me, but I still want us to work this out" I dunno if she is just stringing me along as the back up guy or not. What she tells me makes sense in my head though. "Come home, start counseling and we will date and rebuild our relationship." I just fear her G/F has other plans for her. My wife was a good Christian woman and what she is doing now, drinking and clubbing is not her. ****, I drank more than her and I only had a 6 pack or so on a good week. I sit here and think of all the things i want to say to her, but I buckle when we talk. Our conversations have improved, we even laugh a few times during them. She has a hard time trusting my words, and i understand that, she says "I want to see that you changed" I am ready to jump off this damn boat and swim back to Hawaii so I can prove to her. I will need lots of help from you all so thanks for the replys. I am stuck on a ship with no one to talk to and just plain miserable. I slept for the first time in 4 days last night because we had a good conversation.
TroyNJ Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Bro, I feel you but you have to grit your teeth and bare it. Cut contact with her or lose her.
Author cyann203 Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I think you all are right so I am going to do my best to be strong while I try this 180 thing, so starting today I will not talk to her. I think you are right and I need to be strong, show her that I am a strong, proud, confident man. Most importantly a man that has changed and sees things differently and I am seeing clearly now for the first time in a few years. Has anyone else had any success with this reconcilation process? I am just scared that she will live with her friend and love the new life and realize that she wants no part of me and all this is for nothing. Its so damn painful!! Thanks again for the support and posts.
LisaUk Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I think you all are right so I am going to do my best to be strong while I try this 180 thing, so starting today I will not talk to her. I think you are right and I need to be strong, show her that I am a strong, proud, confident man. Most importantly a man that has changed and sees things differently and I am seeing clearly now for the first time in a few years. Has anyone else had any success with this reconcilation process? I am just scared that she will live with her friend and love the new life and realize that she wants no part of me and all this is for nothing. Its so damn painful!! Thanks again for the support and posts. The 180 isn't about NC exactly, it's about staing your case and feelings to her, telling her you are willing to resolve the problems and you realise yur part in them, tell her also what you want (to stop partying etc), then you work on yourself, to resolve the issues she has raised, but also for yourself. You need to make yourself attractive to her again and the only way you can do this is by identifying what it was about you that attracted her to you in the first place. Then you go NC. Gives her time to think, allows her to miss you. She may or may not agree to work things out after this, but you have to live life for you, if you keep trying to convince her you will change, you are just pushing her further away. You need to show her the change, but not for her, really change for yourself, this will hopefully make her sit up and pay attention.
Author cyann203 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Posted July 5, 2009 Ok, I did decide that I wont call her once a day like she said I could, I just dont want to overwhelm her. I did state my case and feelings about things. I am also in no position to tell her to stop partying or anything else for that matter, but she knows how I feel with dating and ect... unfortunately I cant prove to her that i have changed until I can return home in 50 days so that part will kill me, but I do need to try to focus my attention on other things to get me through this. Also with the help from all of you too. Yesterday she did tell me that she does hope that we can work it out so that felt great. I just want her to see the man I have become. I also lost 45 Lbs in 4 months too, so I am feeling great. I am 5 Lbs shy of being 200, she hasnt seen me like this since we started dating. I feel good about my chances it is just gonna take a lot of hard work and time, It will be well worth it once i feel her hold my hand and we have that first kiss again. Now i am getting ahead of myself. She also threw another minkey wrench in this too. She was suypposed to sign a 12 month lease with her friend but she told me that she is only signing a 9 month lease. What the hell does that mean!!! I hate over thinking everything.
LisaUk Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 Hi, how you doing? Have you managed to read any of the other threads yet? Lupa, Tojaz, MrMayI? Keep posting.
Author cyann203 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I am doing the best I can, unfortunatly I am on deployment with all this crap going on, so i dont have a pot to piss in with this matter. I was able to skim through some of the threads, thanks! My internet is slow and loading these pages take some time. As of right now my wife moves into the ne place on Aug 1st, I dont come home untill end of Aug. So we are trying to figure out what we are doing with my stuff b/c we live in militaty housing. So I have to move out too. She is moving in with a girl who will be my enemy because she doesnt care for me and i think she will want to dig her talons into my wife and not have her go back to me, so I have that to deal with. My wife is immature and she is experiencing a new way of living because she has been with me since she was 19, now she is 25 and never experienced being free so to speak. But I know things are hitting her hard because she is broke and she is not liking the financial freedom she has now. I was in charge of the money and I put us on fair budgets, she owes me money for bills and she cant pay them. I just need to get home so i can start things over with her so she can see my words are not empty. Our neighbor is on my side, was her best friend until her new roommate entered the picture. She has been keeping me informed on her feelings b/c they talk. So through that i feel i have a shot at this. As long as she sees the old me and willing to fight for her, I think i will come out of this OK, if not, I did everything I could. I sent her photos of me, b/c i lost 45 Lbs on this deployment and her neighbor told me her true reactions, so who knows, time will tell right.
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Hi, hang in there. See there are books I could suggest that may help you make sense of everything, but your on a ship in the middle of God knows where! If your internet connection will allow have a quick look at a new thread below think its called About to tell her. The advice from Owl, who is ex army (and managed to reconcile with his wife), may be of some use to you. Also, if you look at the last couple of pages of MayI's thread you will find the details of what is known as the 180. I think this is probably your best bet, you got to turn things round. I have read so many threads on here and it all seems to come down to resolving to concentrate on yourself and follow the principles laid out in the 180, wish I had known about it before, to late for me now, all the legals done, complete NC with my ex. I know it hurts, try and stay strong.
Author cyann203 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah i was reading about the 180 and i agree with it. I have to focus on myself and live my life, make changes in a positive way for me, not for her. I just cant wait to get home to do so. I just hope that I am not to late. I fear for her new roomy and her digging her claws into my wife by trying to transform her into something my wife is not. The quicker I get home the better. We agreed that we will date again and see where that leads us, but the new roomy hates me and I worry about the crap that she will feed my wifes head with. I will look into the stuff you provided me. Thanks. Best case scenario is that she will jump my bones when she sees the new me...lol. Not getting my hopes up though...
LisaUk Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Yeah i was reading about the 180 and i agree with it. I have to focus on myself and live my life, make changes in a positive way for me, not for her. I just cant wait to get home to do so. I just hope that I am not to late. I fear for her new roomy and her digging her claws into my wife by trying to transform her into something my wife is not. The quicker I get home the better. We agreed that we will date again and see where that leads us, but the new roomy hates me and I worry about the crap that she will feed my wifes head with. I will look into the stuff you provided me. Thanks. Best case scenario is that she will jump my bones when she sees the new me...lol. Not getting my hopes up though... As a women I can tell you that although we do listen to our friends, when it comes to love, if we love someone, what our friends think doesn't really effect our decisions. Although it might raise questions about the relationship, it would certainly make me ask my partner about the things raised and to work on those things rather than make me leave him, if that makes sense?
Author cyann203 Posted July 15, 2009 Author Posted July 15, 2009 Wow! What a past few days, I have been making some amazing realizations during my path of self discovery. Luckily for me a Chaplain came onboard and I have been spending at least 2 hours with him everyday and I have been seeing myself with new eyes and its been wonderful. I really feel if it wasnt for God entering my life, the progress my wife and i made over the last 4 days has been wonderful, I couldnt be happier. I am about to be baptized in a few weeks and I am thrilled. The bible and i have become best friends and I have been realizing what a horrible person i was becoming, especially to my wife. Speaking of her, we talk once a day, maybe an hour, and the conversations have been filled with laughter, jokes, smiles, and her tone has changed for the better. I think she can almost feel the changes through my words and poetry that I have picked up again. I have been writing my butt off because i have a flood of emotions that I need to vent, and i dont want to vent them towards her. That way our talks can be about life and such. I can feel it in her voice that she really hopes everything she is feeling is true, If I can keep this up over the next 6 weeks until i return home, I think the future is very good. She has agreed to meet me for dinner the first night, an ice breaker, also she mentioned to help me wardrobe shope, because of my wieght loss. Things seem to be great, I will keep you all posted!!
LisaUk Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 Hi, that is good news, I am glad things are looking positive for you, spare a prayer for me? Do keep posting and let us know how it pans out, thinking of you there on your ship! Whereever that may be? LOL
Author cyann203 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 Hi all, its been some time since i posted but alot has happened since and i wanted to share it all. Since my last post my wife and i were making progress until the other woman sinffied out that we were trying to reconcile. She swooped in and destroyed all the hard work and my mife accused me of lying and such and wanted nothing to do with me. So we didnt talk for almost 4 weeks. Then i finally returned home from my deployment and i wanted to have dinner with her and see if seeing face to face would help. Well once the uncomfortableness of the meeting wore away we had a nice night. She invited me back to her house, played cards and watched a movie. However i learned from mutual friends that she slept with someone else. I gave her an opputurnty to confess but she lied. So I let it be. We got togethor a few days later because we needed to take care of the housing situation and close out the military house we lived in and get rid of stuff and put it in storage. I asked her what was the other night and it led to a sever fight with her being adamant of the divorce. It was nasty and she finally told me the truth of the sexual affair. I told her I forgave her and i wanted to draw a line and take the step over it and it got ugly again. The next morning I laid into her with all my heart and love and she finally broke down and cried and i cried with her. She said she wants to work on this and agreed to counseling and since that day we have hing out togethor ever since. Even slept in the same bed togethor on 2 nights. It feels so good to somewhat have her back, even if there isnt any physical intimacy but i tld her i would wait for her to let me know when she is ready. Now we laugh, joke, play, and have fun and its feels like its normal again. I really hope her intentions are pure, because mine are. I am doing my best to enjoy the moment and let things happen naturally. How do i really know if she is just pacifying me or if she really wants to work on a marriage. Right now she considers me as only a good friend. I think its a start and it feels great, i am afraid that she is just using me. Thanks for all the posts.
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