asireen Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 All or nothing at all. If you leave the door open - even a crack, he will continue to stay married and have an affair with you for as long as he can get away with it. Don't be surprised if he is having you, his wife and some others also. Business trips are the easiest way to have affairs/flings. And it looks like he decides when he wants who. Smooth guy!
DNU1 Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 Girlintwocities: I think it's best to leave him and establish rock solid NC. Every time you see him you will be sucked back in. He's a cake-eater, fenc sitter, etc. He wants his wife and home and wants his affairs on the side. You said it yourself, he "traded up" divorcing once and marring his current wife. He will do the same to you down the road. If you really want to end your relationship with him, tell his wife about your affair. And tell her it's over between you two. That will stop him from ever calling you or contacting you again. Clean break. And while you are at it you might as well tell your husband that you left the reason why you left. He deserves to know the truth.
HopeSprings Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 I disagree with DNU1 - don't tell his wife. She probably already knows more than you think, and it won't make you feel any better. The BS is a real person with real feelings - she is married to this man, for better or worse, and the relationship between them is there's to deal with, not yours. If your motivation is spite, to get him in "trouble" with her in the hopes that she'll dump him, think again. It will more likely piss him off and set you up for a more hurtful breakup than if you just do like you plan, and end all contact with him. If you think you're being noble by giving her this vital information, again, think about why. She may be more furious at you than at him, initially (kill the messenger?) or she may say, "Oh, I've known about this for months, " in which case you've lost the element of surprise and you're not telling her something she doesn't already know. As a BS, I wouldn't have taken kindly to her calling me. Actually, when I found out, I let her know I knew, which made her realize that there were more people being affected by their relationship than just the two of them. Be strong and walk away...the age difference alone sends up red flags all over the place, as other posters have pointed out.
jnj express Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 You need to tell your AP's wife----she is entitled to know, she needs to have all the facts about her mge., available to her, so she can decide what to do about the rest of her life. If you tell, yes you will kill your A., and who knows what reactions you will get from both your AP, and his wife, but she really is entitled to know what she is dealing with in re: her husband. Why did you and your H. seperate, was it your A., or did your mge. have other problems?
Author girlintwocities Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 Hi everyone.. was traveling back from overseas hence the delay.. I was asked if my husband and I broke up from other issues.. other issues. I am definitely conflicted about letting his wife know. I'd want to know if I were here.. particularly given the level of weaving and scheming and lying he's had to maintain to keep her 'okay'. However, he's had affairs in the past that she found out about and she didn't leave him. A comment was made, "he has been running home to be sure he doesn't make his wife too suspicious of his absence. he tells her all the things she needs to hear as well - every time he's home or has her on the phone." I couldn't agree more. That is precisely the image I get too. The last 4 days has been great wit him.. more intense than ever in terms of the love/compatibility. Before we left the other country I took the advice of all of you, and told him that I will not be his friend and business partner. It would have to be all or nothing. He said he appreciated the info so he could make a better decision. He also said that he and his wife share zero romance, and he does not believe that it has longevity anyway, so this entire issue is "stupid" because he should just leave. He says it isnt the energy to be with me, as he's found out.. but not having the energy to break up he and his wife - even though he'd be missing out on passion for the rest of his life. I told him that when he leaves this city (we are currently on a work trip) to go back "home", that's it - if he doesnt go home and call it off and prove to me that he did, we will not ever be seeing one another again. The thought of that hurts badly.. but I know you are all right. This will never end.. so I'd either have to be okay with "something" or have to end it all and have nothing.
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 GITC - you are so wrong... YOU can have it all! having it all just doesn't look like you planned for it to last week. even if he tells you he called off the marriage - how would you know? all still leaving him open to use empty and meaningless words and lie just like he's used to... why are you expecting anything to be different than what he's ever given you? he will lie at any cost to keep BOTH you and his wife. and the no sex with the wife - he's lying. if he didn't have sex with her - she would be searching for where he's getting it. believe me, my husband had sex with me everyday - sometimes 3 times a day - amazingly great sex - even when he had his OW. i'm positive he told her we weren't having sex or sleeping in the same bed.
Author girlintwocities Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 HE really went THAT far in lying? Geez.. It's so hard to imagine this guy doing that particularly when he says that he sees no future whatsoever there, and there is no romance.. I was thinking that given their age, he might be telling the truth.. You are right though Id never know if he truly called off his marriage. I'd have to look for non verbal clues, which have been the only accurate predictors so far.. like random phone calls or needing to "go to Starbucks" for an hour.. after a few days of her getting a bit frustrated with his no-show and no-call.... GITC - you are so wrong... YOU can have it all! having it all just doesn't look like you planned for it to last week. even if he tells you he called off the marriage - how would you know? all still leaving him open to use empty and meaningless words and lie just like he's used to... why are you expecting anything to be different than what he's ever given you? he will lie at any cost to keep BOTH you and his wife. and the no sex with the wife - he's lying. if he didn't have sex with her - she would be searching for where he's getting it. believe me, my husband had sex with me everyday - sometimes 3 times a day - amazingly great sex - even when he had his OW. i'm positive he told her we weren't having sex or sleeping in the same bed.
2sunny Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 he won't leave - mine wouldn't have left - would have just tried to keep us both "in the dark" by all the lies. why are you willing too settle for half a man? you could have so much more for your life! GO GET IT!!! DUMP HIM NOW! he's definitely not available... she's never gonna leave him and he's only in it to string you along until you get so mad you won't do it anymore. all the pretense is designed that way - for HIS benefit.
Author girlintwocities Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 How wonderful of him. I agree with you.. need to stop waiting. Thanks for the encouragement today. Had some moments of weakness. You really helped. he won't leave - mine wouldn't have left - would have just tried to keep us both "in the dark" by all the lies. why are you willing too settle for half a man? you could have so much more for your life! GO GET IT!!! DUMP HIM NOW! he's definitely not available... she's never gonna leave him and he's only in it to string you along until you get so mad you won't do it anymore. all the pretense is designed that way - for HIS benefit.
mental_traveller Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 Your mistake is giving him too many choices in the matter. He already made his choice - but it isn't one you anticipated: to stay with his wife and have an affair. All you can do really is end the affair, kick him out, go to NC and see how that affects him. If his ONLY choices are you or her, then he will have to come down on one side or the other. As it is, you are allowing for the 'third choice' which is 'both'. Take away the 'both' option. I don't think it will go the way you want, but at the very least you will have forced him into a real choice. LB have you ever thought of becoming a relationship counsellor?
Author girlintwocities Posted July 7, 2009 Author Posted July 7, 2009 I agree definitely should! LB have you ever thought of becoming a relationship counsellor?
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