drconfusion Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I'm so happy to have found some place I can talk. I have been the OW for just over four months. It's all just so stupid and crazy and I can't believe that I've gotten myself in this situation. I can't talk to any of my friends; in fact, I feel so ashamed about this it's affected my friendships, since I fear them finding out the "truth" about me... We met online. I was still married at the time, but was not living with my husband (he's mentally ill, literally) and had not actually seen him for nearly six months. I am a physician, so am fairly public, and was sooooo lonely but couldn't date (still being married) and thought that by seeking someone else who was married I would be safer since they would be invested in keeping the relationship private also. I really and truly was NOT looking for anything but someone to see every week or so, enjoy a nice meal, some adult conversation, and sex--FWB. I had had a short relationship w/ someone out of town like this, and it was great (but difficult since he was only occassionly in town. SOOO, I meet MM, and we immediately hit it off. He's a professional, incredibly handsome, intelligent, completely like-minded--I should have ran away then, but had soooo much fun. We did not have sex for over a month--just went out, had great conversations, blah, blah, blah. When the sex finally came, it was/is beyond words. SOOO long story short, we fall inlove. He professes this first: how incredible I am, how happy I make him, how amazing he feels when he's with me, how he hopes we can stay together and make this work...you all know the drill. I did not want to admit my feelings for him--I knew then it was dangerous and a slippery slope. But, of course, I kept seeing him, kept emailing everyday... It's been hard because the rest of my life is in complete turmoil. In the last two months, I finalized my divorce, changed practices, am moving to a new house, and now just found out my mother has cancer. I also have three kids! I'm crazy busy all the time, don't have time to date or go out--so Ive become completely attached to the little bit I get from MM. And now, I can tell, at 4 months, he's cooling off. Not as many emails, can't get away...again, you all know the drill. And I'm heartbroken. I think about him all the time, miss him, want him can't believe I let my self fall inlove with a ****ing MM. How does one move past this point? how? I know we need to be over, that this isn't good for me, but I love him and it breaks my heart to think of never seeing him or touching him again. I so appreciate any words of wisdom...
norajane Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I can tell, at 4 months, he's cooling off You can take control and break it off now, yourself, or you can drag out the pain until he breaks it off. Are you the type that rips band-aids off, or waits until they're dirty and wet and moldy and they fall off by themselves. You've made a lot of changes which sound like a fresh start. Don't let this MM be the festering wound that won't allow you to move on with your fresh start. You won't make room for a real relationship with another man as long as you have him around and in your heart. You won't make time to date as long as it's easier to just call him up. You won't allow yourself to heal from the dissolution of marriage and grow healthier and stronger as long as he's bringing you down. First, you have to break up with him. Then you have to cease contact with him. No emails, no calls, nothing. Then you let time do the rest, just like any other break-up where you still have feelings for someone but you can't be with him for whatever reason.
Lyssa Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Cut off all contacts with him. No more phone calls, texts and emails. Block him. Maybe he has found someone else to play with or maybe he W found out but it's not about him, this is now about you. You have to get out of this so that you can have a normal relationship. I know some OW may not agree with me but this is the only way to go if you really want to get him out of your mind. I was an OW - my story is different. But the beginning of it, I wanted to get out of it but stayed cause FMM chose to act on his words. If anything, I wouldn't want any woman to go through what some OW on here went/are going through.
Author drconfusion Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 thanks to you two. I *know* you're both right. Just so tired of heartache, but I know there's no other choice. i just somehow have to muster the strength to do it. The thing that's difficult, I can say this here, but not anywhere else, is that he is (outside of being a big, fat cheater...) soooooo perfect in my mind. I guess that's the love blinders. Honestly, what god gave me in booksmarts he gave me ZERO when it comes to men. I usually have chosen as partners men who are not as educated, not as smart, and not as attractive as I am. And then I can take care of them--I recognize this pattern clearly. Then MM comes a long and he's gorgeous, has his MBA, is very successful professionally and financially, is socially aware, does volunteer work, owns property, maintains said property, is smart and funny and so sweet and respectful...everything I should have been looking for my whole life in a partner, EXCEPT.....he's stinkin' married! I guess, if truth be told, I'm scared that in real life I'll never find someone as incredible as he is. That I'm a divorced mother of three who works all the time, how in god's name can someone even close to him come into my life. It's also crazy, because I know what I would tell myself if I was a patient--that you're better than that, that love will come, to respect yourself and know you deserve more.... how do you make yourself believe that you deserve more? it's just so hard to feel lonely and have your heart breaking. i hate, hate, hate this.
norajane Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 everything I should have been looking for my whole life in a partner, EXCEPT.....he's stinkin' married! That's a really big "except". It's going to keep you feeling lonely every holiday, every weekend, every time he doesn't call, every time he goes on vacation with his wife, every time you want him there and he's not because he's at home with his wife, every time you think about him at home having sex with his wife. He's not so perfect. Ask his wife how perfect he is after she finds out he's been cheating on her! The man is a liar who chooses to deceive his wife for his own selfish purposes. Is that really what you think you should be looking for in a partner - a practiced liar and cheater? how do you make yourself believe that you deserve more? An affair is actually really bad for your self-esteem. The longer you stay mired in it, the harder it is to believe you deserve more than the crumbs a married man can give you. Have you read the threads here? There are many women who have been stuck in affairs for a year, 2, 3, 4. Do you really want to be writing about how your MM won't leave his wife and you're miserable a few years from now?
Author drconfusion Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 your words are exactly what i need to hear. thank you so, so much. I can tell them to myself over and over and over, but when you're alone in it, it's so difficult to act on it, and not let your feelings get in the way of what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. And you're exactly right, norajane, it is a huge, ginormous "EXCEPT"--he is a man who is lying, and a cheater. I've tried to tell myself all these excuses, of course: that life is complex, that marriage isn't what we think it's going to be, that we're all fighting a hard battle, that I can be like Katherine Hepburn and live my own life while my lover lives his...cliche after cliche. When the fact of the matter is, I DON'T want him to leave his wife; I'd feel terrible if he left her and would never be able to have a normal relationship with him. It's all so ridiculous, because I'm a freakin' dr! I've been trained in counseling, I've learned all about affairs and why people have them and all the statistics about men rarely leaving their wives, and once a cheater always a cheater, how awful it is emotionally for the OW, and I KNOW i would never trust him fully were we to be together. I never, ever meant to fall in love with him, and like I said, I should have ran the minute I started to feel anything serious about him, but it was all so intoxicating and I have been sooooooo very lonely what with the kids and my practice and getting out of a very difficult marriage, that had really been only an on-paper marriage for over three years. And then four months zoom by and what do I find? I'm still freakin' lonely, only now, just like you said, I'm lonely because he hasn't called, or he cancels our time together, etc,etc. The part that eats away at me the most, really has deteriorated how I feel about myself, is the trauma and horror my family and friends would experience should they find out about this. I am betraying all of them, by being involved with this man. My two closest best friends who've supported me through thick and thin, through my own crappy marriage and through med school and children... were cheated on by their husbands--I know they could never forgive me, should never forgive me for getting myself in this position. It's made me question my own sanity and integrity and worth. Why do we do this to ourselves? why? And then I think well, if i'm such a crappy person when it comes down to it, then why not just stay with it. BUT, i *know* that's not the answer. I've just been in a low, low place. And now I need to get myself out, right? I really can't thank you enough for your words. really. it's a life line of hope for me right now.
Recommended Posts