neveragain2493 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I recently made up with a guy I like last Friday. Months ago, we went out on a date, but he and his ex made up afterwards, and I didn't know. He recently apologized and said that "things didn't go the way he expected them to, but that wasn't a good enough apology". He said his time with me was a lot better than his time without me. We've talked about going out (and he was very much up for it), but tonight, he stopped responding to me for 4 hours, and finally said, "I'm sorry. I can't do tomorrow or next weekend. I need to think about what direction I want my life to go in. I have never done this before, but please understand. I'm not going away." When I asked if it was about his ex, he said, "Not this time. This time, it's about me." I responded with, "I respect that. We can talk about it if you want. If you're going to leave, I can't stop you.. Just please be up front with me and remember everything you told me." I'm trying to give him his space for now. What do you think he means, and what should I do?
Touche Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 You've only had ONE date with him? He's trying to get back with the ex. Forget him. You want to meet a guy who's completely into you. He's not.
lucy9216 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I think he really is confused You say he only went out on 1 date with you? and it didn't work out with his ex but he wants to start things back up with you but just not yet. He is definatley confused but don't wait for him, if something else comes along go for it. He could also be worried that he may start dating you on a rebound and if this is true he does need his space in order to completely get over his ex before he can completely pursue you and become involved with you. But I still say don't wait for him though
Island Girl Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 OMG the drama! One date with a guy and he goes on a disappearing act - done. He calls to resurrect the possibilities, explains, and you buy back in (I think that's a mistake) - okay fine. BUT THEN he says "I need to think about the direction of my life" - WTF - but that he isn't "going away again". Really. Seriously. I wouldn't even waste my time. The writing is SOOO all over the wall that he is Mr. Drama dressed in Drama to go out for Drama. Why on Earth would you even consider getting involved with him when there are this many complications and issues before you even really start dating? If you pursue the relationship you are barking up the trouble tree and there's plenty to be had.
kassy Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I dated a Mr Drama like this once... don't bother wasting your time, they are far too exhausting
torranceshipman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Oh man I got exhausted just reading your posts! This guy is an idiot and he's not very interested...and also he seems presumptuous that you'd wait around. Definitely tell him you're happier as friends as all this baggage and drama after 1 date is just ridiculous! Also you'll come across more confident and less of a (bit of a) doormat (sorry, that wasn't a bash!) if you stand firm and show that you're not interested in a guy that messes you around on any level. Your response gave him a VERY easy ride when really he only deserved silence or a 'ok, lets just be friends' type msg from you...
Lucky555 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 OMG the drama! One date with a guy and he goes on a disappearing act - done. He calls to resurrect the possibilities, explains, and you buy back in (I think that's a mistake) - okay fine. BUT THEN he says "I need to think about the direction of my life" - WTF - but that he isn't "going away again". Really. Seriously. I wouldn't even waste my time. The writing is SOOO all over the wall that he is Mr. Drama dressed in Drama to go out for Drama. Why on Earth would you even consider getting involved with him when there are this many complications and issues before you even really start dating? If you pursue the relationship you are barking up the trouble tree and there's plenty to be had. EXACTLY. This is right on.
carhill Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Another rubber band guy. Will they ever end? OP, what should you do? Real simple. End contact for now and date other men who make it about you, rather than "me".
Author neveragain2493 Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I know it sounds like we don't know each other well, but we've known each other for years. We've been good friends for awhile. We know each other really well. From the talk we had, he sounded very interested. I know where everyone is coming from, though.
carhill Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Yes, I know that dynamic, but it in no way precludes the rubber band effect. That's an elemental psychological dynamic. In fact, IME, between people who know each other well and have long history, the negative aspects of such a dynamic can be even more marked and unhealthy due to that attachment. Trust me, I know
Sam Spade Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Yes, I know that dynamic, but it in no way precludes the rubber band effect. That's an elemental psychological dynamic. In fact, IME, between people who know each other well and have long history, the negative aspects of such a dynamic can be even more marked and unhealthy due to that attachment. Trust me, I know What is the rubber band dynamic?
carhill Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Rebounding back and forth between intimacy and distance due to one or both parties not being on the same page emotionally or psychologically. IME, it's more prevalent or there is a higher risk when one party is emotionally unstable.
Stark Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Rebounding back and forth between intimacy and distance due to one or both parties not being on the same page emotionally or psychologically. IME, it's more prevalent or there is a higher risk when one party is emotionally unstable. Can you elaborate even more, I'm very curious about this.
Sam Spade Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Rebounding back and forth between intimacy and distance due to one or both parties not being on the same page emotionally or psychologically. IME, it's more prevalent or there is a higher risk when one party is emotionally unstable. But it seems that to some extent this is inevitable in any relationship, eh? I'd think that some ruberbanding happens as a precursor of getting on the same page. In any case, in order to avoid the rubber band, I'm easing into intimacy very, very , very slow. So slow, it makes me wonder if i'm advancing at all .
carhill Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I'll be happy to expand upon this, and I mean a dynamic quantifiably different from the normal intimacy progression differentials, but right now I'm camped out at the beach and I don't mix business and pleasure, so it'll have to wait Good night from cool and somewhat foggy Morro Bay
Author neveragain2493 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 Update: I am talking to a guy now who I don't think will hurt me. Drama free. Good guy. Dalton. This past weekend, Jason, a friend of mine, took me out to see a movie and for dinner. We merely went as friends. He's recently been hurt, so we did a lot of talking. He told me to be wary of the guy I'd liked before (we'll call him Bob), but that he had been acting weird lately. The next morning, Jason brought another friend of mine to a restaurant, and we all ate lunch. He said he asked 'Bob' to come, but he couldn't make it because he had to take care of his grandmother. Last night, Bob finally talked to me. I said, "Hey. Didn't think you were coming back." He replied with, "Yeah, and you didn't try to talk to me the whole time, haha. Guess you were just too busy with Jason." I told him Jason and I talked about him, and when he asked what we said, I replied, "Well, he said you weren't acting yourself, and I figured you weren't going to talk to me again. He told me not to worry." No response. Judging from the statuses from his ex on MySpace, Facebook, etc, I figured they were together again. I said, "It looks like you've found your direction, so have fun with that. I'm not surprised. I should have listened." The next morning, he replied, "The direction of sleep?". That night, I apologized since I had a lot going on that put me in an awful mood. He listened to what was wrong with me and told me not to blame myself, and so I asked how he was. No response. Jason then talked to me, and I told him I thought I found someone. He assumed it was Bob, but I told him about Dalton. He asked numerous questions about Dalton, and when I asked if he was going to run and tell Bob, he said, "I don't know if he and the ex are back together. It's weird. And I won't tell him. He doesn't need to know." ?
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 I think you like this. That's my instinct. In the above post, after the restaurant part, was anyone actually talking to each other, like on the phone or in person? It sounded like a bunch of electrons to me.... You may not be surprised to know that communication is one of the largest contributing issues of conflict in any relationship. I'd suggest sticking to Dalton for now and cut out the rest of the 'communicating'. Just leave it alone
Author neveragain2493 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 It's not that I like it. Actually, I am quite fed up. I'm trying to do what's best for myself and move on. Yes, I know communication is big. And we were all talking on the phone. Thanks for your advice
carhill Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 See, I like engaging people. I can't stop myself. I saw that in your writing. It can be unhealthy, especially when we've identified people with whom such contact is a negative dynamic. When I know I shouldn't be doing it, and still do, it's because I like it (emotionally). Cognitively, I slap myself Hope it works out. I'll have to do a thread on rubber-band theory.
Author neveragain2493 Posted July 19, 2009 Author Posted July 19, 2009 So, I am pretty proud of myself. I started a relationship with Dalton, and we are very, very happy. I could not be happier. I don't regret my decision to let my ex go whatsoever. However, when we first started dating, I got a text from the ex: "So I heard you got yourself a boyfriend?" And last night, another: "I hope you and your new boyfriend are doing well." He basically told me he didn't have a girlfriend, but I wouldn't believe that until I saw. He told me he did want something with me, but I obviously moved on and didn't wait on him and do what he asked like I said I would. Said he was wishing me the best if this is what I wanted. I basically gave him tough love and let him know I didn't really care.
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