Author perryellis Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 I know there isnt much more advice that can be given out on this subject it just helps me to write my feelings what is going through my mind... what if she is right? she says rage and narcissism is normal she says every gf I ever have will have some sort of problem and that I'm expecting her to be perfect what if i am overreacting? im scared to end it I love her deeply
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 she says rage and narcissism is normal Get out, and never look back. Perry, your life is F*CKED if you don't. Listen up. Get out. She is an evil, bad person.
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 what if she is right? She's not. she says rage and narcissism is normal Boldface lie. says every gf I ever have will have some sort of problem and that I'm expecting her to be perfect Boldface lie. what if i am overreacting? You're not. Reread the thread.
GorillaTheater Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Get out, and never look back. Perry, your life is F*CKED if you don't. Listen up. Get out. She is an evil, bad person. Seconded. I read this thread for the first time today, and I'm throughly appalled. Nothing you will ever say or do will convince her that the things she does are wrong or abnormal. No talk of "boundaries" will make her stop. For God's sake save yourself, Perry.
Author perryellis Posted July 8, 2009 Author Posted July 8, 2009 She is an evil, bad person. Although, she has some issues, as do I, she is not evil or bad. Mostly she is so sweet, loving and kind.
GorillaTheater Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Although, she has some issues, as do I, she is not evil or bad. Mostly she is so sweet, loving and kind. But sometimes she's Vlad the fckin Impaler. Do you want to deal with that the rest of your life? Particularly since it will quite likely get worse?
lora22 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Mostly she is so sweet, loving and kind. False. Pretense. Please read:http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Types%20of%20Emotional%20Abuse http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/index.html Those are just two places to start.
JustLooking123 Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 .... she says if I just apologized quicker when I made mistakes she never would have raged in the past...... Classic abuser logic. If you do not leave this woman, you deserve everything she gives you. There are plenty of stable women out there who will treat you well ALL the time.
kizik Posted July 8, 2009 Posted July 8, 2009 Classic abuser logic. If you do not leave this woman, you deserve everything she gives you. There are plenty of stable women out there who will treat you well ALL the time. He doesn't believe he deserves to be treated well. He's now a victim, a shell of a man, who thinks he's a piece of sh*t. It's going to take years of No Contact and therapy, in my opinion, for him to fully regain his sense of self and confidence. Even his responses to our clear logic here are defensive, confused, twisted. Very co-dependent. This guy isn't going to be treated well until he realizes he's not a piece of sh*t, and that his piece of sh*t girlfriend is the real piece of sh*t.
Mary3 Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 Again, thank you for the replies, it helps so much to talk about it. It is interesting some of you have mentioned a lack of respect she may have for me. I have been noticing a lack of respect in how she treats me recently. I have made this known to her as well. The lack of respect isnt just evident when she has an outburst, but also in smaller confrontations. For example, the other day she asked me a question and I was preoccupied so I didnt reply fast enough for her.. then she proceeds to call me a jerk or something. Although being called a jerk isnt a big deal, I felt it was unwarrented and showed a lack of respect. Or today, she came home from work and we were supposed to go visit her parents (which is a 2 hour drive) and she wanted me to be ready by a certain time... well when I wasn't ready she started yelling and even told me she was leaving without me. I told her that although its ok to be upset, I didn't do anything to deserve her disrespectful behaivor towards me. And for the first time in a while I stood up for myself and told her that she needed to appologize before we left. (I'm not sure if this was the best way to handle that situation) But guess what happened... she wouldn't appologize and left without me. And I know, again, that I'm no saint, and I've been disrespectful to her at times, but I've never taken it as far as she does. As far as a chemical imbalance goes... I think its possible, she hasnt had a physical in ages, so maybe I should take her to the doctor. I regret not setting boundaries earlier on in our relationship. I know I'm making her sound like a witch, but she really is a sweatheart most of the time, and we love each other a lot. I know a lot of you wouldn't stand for someone being disrespectful and would end the relationship, but honestly I dont feel I could that. She's been such a huge part of my life for these last three years, I feel that I should do everything I can to make it work. Thank you all so much I got to this post and STOPPED. By you standing there and *taking it* , YOU have no respect for yourself . Being called a * Jerk * IS a big deal . Just like if she called you a loser or a slob or pathetic. Its not * okay * for her to be upset at the trivial things going on. Thats right you didn't deserve the treatment but you SHOULD have showed her the door ! By taking it and taking it she knows you aren't going ANYWHERE so she has free reign on bashing your soul and you continue to cry and she continues to not apologize. Where does this Crazy Train Stop ? HUGE HUGE RED FLAGS ! Total disrespect by leaving you and going on the road trip ! She may not be the only one who NEEDS help . Wrong wrong ! Huge part of your life ? I think she needs meds and an evaluation. Whether it be hormonal or....I think its more mental. She sounds BI Polar .
westernxer Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 she says rage and narcissism is normal Actually, it isn't.
Trialbyfire Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 The more I read, the more I wonder. You've posted 80 million reasons why you should leave her. And yet, you state that she's sweet and loving, most of the time. It takes two to create this kind of dynamic. I'm going to ask you about something. If she tells you a need, do you agree to it, then don't follow through? Is this a recurring scenario between the two of you? If so, you might want to do some research on passive-aggressiveness. Straight up, passive-aggressive personalities make their partners crazy.
paddington bear Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I know there isnt much more advice that can be given out on this subject it just helps me to write my feelings what is going through my mind... what if she is right? she says rage and narcissism is normal she says every gf I ever have will have some sort of problem and that I'm expecting her to be perfect what if i am overreacting? im scared to end it I love her deeply I can't say that I'm in the least surprised that she reacted the way she did to the therapy suggestion. Doesn't want to change in the least. You are of no value to her at all if she's happy enough to lose you though her lack of control over her anger....but will she lose you? Or are you going to just cave in to this yet again, only serving to show her that she has total control over you and that you never ever mean what you say when you try to set boundaries? This is exactly the kind of confused feelings the crazy lady I mentioned earlier aroused in me. Twisting the truth, making you doubt yourself, making you doubt your own feelings, making you doubt your sanity. I was accused of being overly emotional, when in fact she was the one who had screamed and snapped at me, when I reacted to it, I was the emotional one. She too said that it's 'healthy' to express your anger...funnily enough this woman does not have many friends, and every new friend/colleague she attempts to get soon enough runs a mile. How 'healthy' is that kind of anger, the kind that drives everyone normal far far away? The only people around her are other dysfunctional people and even they have periodic bouts of not speaking to her due to her anger. Abusers will say all sorts of things like the above. The worst thing is, what they say sounds almost reasonable and logical - I fell for this too, totally doubting my own instincts and standpoint, because I had confused feelings too. I felt like maybe I was being unreasonable. But I wasn't. I was just having a normal reaction to an abnormal person. You are not expecting her to be perfect. In fact you are (and have) bent to her will over and over again, and kept your mouth shut and got upset over the nasty things she said to you, and then even stopped reacting to that. In fact what you are trying to do is to be perfect for her, to be the man she wants you to be. A man who will take all her anger, put up with it mutely and never dare stand up for himself or react to it in any way. She wants you to continue to be a doormat. She does not want to change and you cannot help her change. It is her choice to continue on the way she's been behaving. It is her choice to change. You've done and said everything you wanted to do and say and you're still up against a brick wall. You mentioned previously that you believed she wanted to get help, to change. She doesn't. That is the reality that you have to deal with now. At least you know where you stand. You are the one who's going to have to change your behaviour if you want to see any changes in this relationship. Luckily for me I was not in love with this crazy woman that tried (and ultimately failed) to suck me into this abusive cycle. You being starry-eyed about your girlfriend is really confusing the issue, as your feelings for her are concealing the bare facts. At the end of the day here are your choices. 1) You stay with her and resign yourself to her anger and control for the duration of your relationship, as she has no intentions of changing. So, you stay and suck it up. or 2) You make the heartbreaking choice to leave her and when you're not so emotionally involved with her you will see more clearly what was really going on, but what you are currently blind to. 3) You take a time out. A month of absolutely no contact with her at all. No texts, no emails, no calls, nothing. You take this time to think through your relationship with her without her presence and words confusing the issue. You then go back and follow either step 1 or 2 with your eyes fully open as to what you're getting yourself into either way.
kizik Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I can't say that I'm in the least surprised that she reacted the way she did to the therapy suggestion. Doesn't want to change in the least. You are of no value to her at all if she's happy enough to lose you though her lack of control over her anger....but will she lose you? Or are you going to just cave in to this yet again, only serving to show her that she has total control over you and that you never ever mean what you say when you try to set boundaries? This is exactly the kind of confused feelings the crazy lady I mentioned earlier aroused in me. Twisting the truth, making you doubt yourself, making you doubt your own feelings, making you doubt your sanity. I was accused of being overly emotional, when in fact she was the one who had screamed and snapped at me, when I reacted to it, I was the emotional one. She too said that it's 'healthy' to express your anger...funnily enough this woman does not have many friends, and every new friend/colleague she attempts to get soon enough runs a mile. How 'healthy' is that kind of anger, the kind that drives everyone normal far far away? The only people around her are other dysfunctional people and even they have periodic bouts of not speaking to her due to her anger. Abusers will say all sorts of things like the above. The worst thing is, what they say sounds almost reasonable and logical - I fell for this too, totally doubting my own instincts and standpoint, because I had confused feelings too. I felt like maybe I was being unreasonable. But I wasn't. I was just having a normal reaction to an abnormal person. You are not expecting her to be perfect. In fact you are (and have) bent to her will over and over again, and kept your mouth shut and got upset over the nasty things she said to you, and then even stopped reacting to that. In fact what you are trying to do is to be perfect for her, to be the man she wants you to be. A man who will take all her anger, put up with it mutely and never dare stand up for himself or react to it in any way. She wants you to continue to be a doormat. She does not want to change and you cannot help her change. It is her choice to continue on the way she's been behaving. It is her choice to change. You've done and said everything you wanted to do and say and you're still up against a brick wall. You mentioned previously that you believed she wanted to get help, to change. She doesn't. That is the reality that you have to deal with now. At least you know where you stand. You are the one who's going to have to change your behaviour if you want to see any changes in this relationship. Luckily for me I was not in love with this crazy woman that tried (and ultimately failed) to suck me into this abusive cycle. You being starry-eyed about your girlfriend is really confusing the issue, as your feelings for her are concealing the bare facts. At the end of the day here are your choices. 1) You stay with her and resign yourself to her anger and control for the duration of your relationship, as she has no intentions of changing. So, you stay and suck it up. or 2) You make the heartbreaking choice to leave her and when you're not so emotionally involved with her you will see more clearly what was really going on, but what you are currently blind to. 3) You take a time out. A month of absolutely no contact with her at all. No texts, no emails, no calls, nothing. You take this time to think through your relationship with her without her presence and words confusing the issue. You then go back and follow either step 1 or 2 with your eyes fully open as to what you're getting yourself into either way. My favorite post of the day. OP, read, read and re-read the above.
Surfer Dude Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 A wise guy once wrote: In essence, if you're having relationship problems -- throw away the relationship, and you'll get rid of the problem!
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