Girlfriend cannot control herself when mad

[sugarmomma]

What is your response to her "rages"?

 

Do you sulk, withdraw, fight back, try to reason, or go into a rage yourself?

 

You are definitely feeding this behavior in some way to enable her to continue since we know you aren't setting boundaries and enforcing them.

 

My xh and I tore each other down with the abuse and I have worked on myself, my rage and codependency issues. I grew up in a family that screamed and yelled a lot. It is simply what I knew. Once I educated myself about what a healthy r looks like my life got so much easier. I would never abuse another man or allow one to abuse me because I am aware of my boundaries and behaviors that are totally unacceptable. Inappropriate handling of anger and disrespect are def red flags.

 

I live in a big city where there are plenty of Coda meetings and I have learned to identify what my triggers are and when I am susceptible to snapping on someone. THe biggest change that I have made is that I have gotten a lot of unhealthy people out of my life. I also have become more empathetic and compassionate which allows me to be more aware of how I treat others. Respect is huge for me in all my relationships now. It is a non negotiable.

 

To the OP: its possible that she can change but she has to understand the seriousness of the harm.

 

 

You remind me of my xh and I considered him to be unable to stand up for himself. He would say "T do not talk to me like that again" and I would say "eff you I can say whatever I want" and he would do nothing. Which made me have even less respect for him. It was very sick and dysfunctional but good 95% of the time. We had the best sex in the world! That also clouded my mind!! UUGGHHH I am so glad to be out of that sick r!!!

[lora22]

R.: "You were so rude to my parents last night."

Me: "Huh? We had a great time!"

R.: "You didn't talk enough. You just sat there."

Me: "What are you talking about?"

 

Ok, so this turned into a two-hour conversation about how I was a bad person who not only was rude, but couldn't remember basic facts. And of course this was because I had been a weed-smoker. Nevermind the fact that at the time of this argument, I had been clean and sober for two years.QUOTE]

Wow this scenario sounds all too familiar - OP I think it's too late to attempt to "set boundaries" in this R. You've been trying to "fix" it the last 3 years, as far as I can tell. Work on that for your next R.

 

I think at this point you have done all you can, and it's time to get help(and I would strongly urge you to just get out, but obviously I know how difficult that is).

[reservoirdog1]

PE, I think you need to think long and hard about this situation. Specifically, whether or not it's what you want.

 

Obviously I don't know if her rages are hormonal, or if she's an emotional abuser, or mentally unbalanced, or anything else. But from what you describe, you're a pretty stable guy who's trying to navigate through a difficult situation as best you can. You try to avoid rocking the boat with her any more than is necessary... but those few times when you do stand up to her, it turns into yet another fight.

 

I was in a similar situation until almost exactly a year ago. GF and I had been living together for nine months, dating for a little over two years in total. Between the New Year and when I broke it off in July, we had half a dozen near-breakups, and attended a number of counselling sessions (both together and individually).

 

What finally clinched it for me was this realization: "It shouldn't be this hard." She and I had some really good times together, great mutual attraction, affection, sex life. But my god... there was so much drama, so many things that she was emotionally or physically sensitive to, retroactive jealousy, etc. etc. Finally I had to do the hard thing and tell her that I couldn't do it anymore, and that I had to end things with her.

 

It was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do, and she definitely made me feel like the world's biggest ********* for awhile. But I was amazed at how liberated I felt, and how stable and calm my life was by comparison once I ended it. I'm a much happier person now than I was then, despite the loss of a relationship which was great in some important ways.

 

You only have one shot at life, buddy. It is possible to find a relationship that doesn't involve so much drama and strife.

[perryellis]

Thank you all so much, I never thought I would get such an outpouring of advice.. especially from those who have been where I am now.

 

@paddington bear / kizik, she has actually asked me what feelings on getting married and I've flat out told her, "there is no way I can marry you until you stop this behaivor."

 

I really have learned a lot from this whole experience and wish I had set boundaries earlier.

 

I am not at the point where I want to kill myself, however I'm not naive enough to think it wont ever get to that point.

 

It is interesting you said that emotional abuse happens to fair, nice, understanding people. That about sums up my approach to my relationships.

 

Kizik, your conversation about not talking enough at dinner... omg so familiar... for her though its usually I dont talk to her enough while were in a group of people, or on a date or something. And of course that means I dont care about her and dont love her blah blah blah

 

@ land shark, I think you have some good points. In fact she did grow up with angry people in her family. Her mother and father are verbally and emotionally abusive. One time her mother said she was going to kill herself if my gf didn't comply with her wishes. Or another time she told my gf that she would be disowned from the family if she did a certain thing etc etc. Her parents even hit her on one occasion. So I think it is sadly a part of her personality now. I've heard that those who were abused growing up are likely to abuse others.

 

@ lora22, I am starting to be able to sense a rage coming now as well. I can see so many similarities between our situations. It is so hard to actually leave.. saying it is one thing, but following through is another.

 

@ sugarmomma, my reaction to her rages is mostly trying to reason with her. Which doesnt work, because her actions are not based on reason. I will admit, sometimes I have sulked. And there have been times I have yelled back, however that doesnt happen much.

 

@ reservoirdog1, you bring up good points. I do only have one life, it should be enjoyable. Like you my gf and I have really good times, but I am starting to realize that might not be enough...

 

Everyone who has been in my situation and now are better off, I am so happy for you guys. thank you all for your advice

[Land Shark]

I hope you don't think that setting boundaries would have taught her a lesson, and all would be better by now. That would be an excellent way to blame yourself for her behavior. It's not your fault that she's not a compliant little kitten in your lap.

 

Had you set boundaries earlier, and actually enforced them, you'd be dating someone else now.

[perryellis]

I hope you don't think that setting boundaries would have taught her a lesson, and all would be better by now. That would be an excellent way to blame yourself for her behavior. It's not your fault that she's not a compliant little kitten in your lap.

 

Had you set boundaries earlier, and actually enforced them, you'd be dating someone else now.

 

Ya, or she would have changed.

 

I will try to be more aware of my thoughts though.. because it is so easy for me to blame myself.

[Land Shark]

Ya, or she would have changed.

 

No. She wouldn't have changed for you. Enforcing your boundaries won't induce her to change. She will only change this for other reasons, such as a sustained life of misery or a near-death experience.

[perryellis]

No. She wouldn't have changed for you. Enforcing your boundaries won't induce her to change. She will only change this for other reasons, such as a sustained life of misery or a near-death experience.

 

What if she didn't want to lose me as her bf? You don't think that's a powerful enough reason for change?

[Land Shark]

What if she didn't want to lose me as her bf? You don't think that's a powerful enough reason for change?

 

No, I don't. It's enough reason for her to swallow her anger until the storm has passed. And when she feels comfortable, she'll let it out again. And then you'll have the dilemma all over again: boundaries or girlfriend.

 

You're trying to figure out how all this can be something you can control. So when the relationship comes apart you'll blame yourself pretty much exclusively. Enforce your boundaries and face the consequences. And then don't blame yourself for what happens. The fact that she was raised this way and has some very deep beliefs about how the world works, beliefs she doesn't even know she has, has nothing to do with you.

 

You can't save her. Either decide that how she is is ok with you, or else it isn't. You're not doing yourself any favors by sitting on the fence.

[paddington bear]

What if she didn't want to lose me as her bf? You don't think that's a powerful enough reason for change?

 

Because she's not a rational person, what might work in another relationship i.e. 'oh no, he might leave me, I'd better pull up my socks' might not work here.

 

I could be wrong, as I'm only speaking from my own experience, but should she think you are genuinely going to leave unless she changes, I think that will only cause even more rage in her.

 

Rage at you, not rage at herself that her own behaviour has pushed you, someone she claims to love, away. She will be very very angry that you are hurting her, leaving her and so on, re-read Lora's post about when she finally left that guy and how he tried everything to get her to stay and how even when she thought she was strong, her mind still wanted to believe that he meant what he said. Just be warned, if you do threaten to leave unless she sorts this out now, she might agree to it to placate you, and you might have a period of peace and then she'll have you back and could slowly slip into her old ways.

[loveslife]

I think this should be my last post on this thread because it is seriously upsetting me. I've been on both sides of your situation Perryellis and it is sickening me to watch it from this distance.

 

To say that you are kidding yourself is an understatement. I grew up in a home with a lot of anger, a lot of criticism and putting each other down. It wasn't until my mid-20s that I realized not everyone grew up being criticized and even then I didn't really understand it.

 

I got into several relationships where the guy tried to save me. It never worked. I either shut down or blew up.

 

Then I got into a relationship with someone who had been my best friend. He loved me deeply and would never have hurt me intentionally. He never criticized me or treated me badly. In fact, he made me feel valued.

 

Still, when our relationship became more intimate my relating patterns emerged and I would fly into rages. I would tell him I wanted him out of my life, rip him apart etc. etc.

 

His response was telling me that he would never hurt me or do anything to put me down but I had to stop getting so worked up. I agreed, apologized and tried my best. There was no way I wanted to lose him.

 

Well, I did it again and again and he finally stopped talking to me. Without even a goodbye. That was four years ago.

 

I have never been so hurt or devastated or, yes, angry. It was mind-blowing.

 

But I started changing.

 

I also started closing myself off to fix myself. I knew I wasn't fit to have a relationship.

 

Then I met another guy. We hit it off great. Amazing chemistry and attraction.

 

But even after lesson learned with the other guy, I started in on this new guy practically right away.

 

He wasn't yet invested and disappeared with barely a glance back.

 

That was what did it for me. I finally was able to see what I was doing. And I got help for my anxiety, which in turn rid me of my anger.

 

From there it took me about a year and a half to feel ready for a relationship.

 

It's not a switch that she can flip to off. And there is NO WAY you can fix her. I'm sure it can't be done.

 

What caused her to be this way is horrible. She has had a lot of pain, no doubt. But I urge you to save yourself. And in turn you might bring her one step closer to saving herself. It is the only way, in my opinion.

 

Good luck.

[lora22]

What if she didn't want to lose me as her bf? You don't think that's a powerful enough reason for change?

 

Perryellis, listen to what Land Shark and Paddington are saying about this. They are right.

 

Also reread what I wrote (not very eloquently) about my experience with my bf - I left him three times at the end before doing it for good, and (I think Land Shark said this), he changed until he felt comfortable enough to do it again.

[lora22]

Perryellis, I'd also like to say that everyone who has been through this knows exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling; we even understand the self-blame and thinking you can fix her, etc. Because emotional abuse is a pattern and the details may be different but for the most part, it all looks the same. If you get help your therapist will help you with all of this (for me I needed the most help with self-blame, hating myself for putting up with such disrespect for so long, and learning how to have healthy relationships again - this was my first unhealthy one, but it was the longest).

 

Whenever I was with the guy and I tried talking to my friends about it, they didn't understand - they would say things like, "Oh, I know I hate when guys do XYZ" or "I don't understand why you guys fight, or how anyone could fight with you, you're so sweet" - I couldn't even explain to them how the huge blow up fights started, because it would be something stupid like the tone of my voice wasn't happy enough. They just didn't get it. And that made me feel even more alone, and it also kind of reinforced my belief that I was imagining things, or that it was my fault.

 

Talking to my therapist was GREAT. She UNDERSTOOD. She had never met my bf, but she knew him better than my friends did, and better than I did. I didn't have to tell her anything, because she already knew. BECAUSE EMOTIONAL ABUSERS ARE A TYPE, AND THEY HAVE PATTERNS, AND ARE PREDICTABLE. I could start to tell her something about him, a story about something that had happened, an example of a fight or whatever - and she didn't even have to hear the whole thing, she could've finished telling MY story better than I could. Where I was struggling with words and figuring out exactly what had happened, she already knew. The feeling of being understood and that I wasn't crazy was instrumental in helping me get over my doubts.

 

She also helped me understand how I - someone who had previously had great relationships, had pretty good self-esteem, etc. - could get sucked into such a terrible situation. And it will never happen to me again.

 

Oh, and I also read a lot of self-help books, mostly about dating and relationships.

[MusicChick24]

I was this girl...a year ago. My boyfriend and I were in the same situation, except we didn't live together.

 

Maybe you could suggest going to anger management, you could even go with her for support. Or you could see a therapist together.

 

I saw a therapist for only a couple weeks and he unlocked so many things about my anger it amazed me. I still have trouble with my anger today, don't get me wrong, but I have improved so much. It may hurt her ego if you suggest it, but if she agrees it could help your relationship tremendously.

 

Because of willingness to improve my relationship survived and my boyfriend and I have been together 4 years now. Sadly, if she isn't willing to improve your relationship will suffer and you will eventually be tired of being the beaten puppy of the relationship.

 

One thing I'll always remember that my therapist told me was: "If you continue in your anger this way the man you love may stay with you, he may propose and even marry you but I wouldn't give it ten years past that point." That one statement really stuck it to me and started me in a new cycle.

 

Hope that helps.

[perryellis]

@ land shark / paddington bear, I see your points very clearly. I do need to make a decision about this and stick to it. She is not rational while in rages. And seems to think only of herself often.

 

Although leaving now is justified, I want to atleast try therapy. I've been with her for three years, so I feel I owe it to myself and her to stick around just a little bit longer. If she doesn't agree to therapy or if she goes but there is no change, I will leave. As sad as it makes me to think of leaving her, I cannot let her treat me like this any longer.

 

I understand that I cannot change or save her. However, if SHE wants to change, then I think she could with the help of a therapist. If she doesn't want to change, then I have no other choice but to leave.

 

@ loveslife I thank you for your contributions, and I'm sorry that this is upsetting you so much. I can see through your example that a break up is probably the only solution... even if she agreed to therapy, I think there is a good chance, like you, she still at this point in her life wouldn't be fit for a relationship...

 

For my own sanity, I just HAVE to feel like I didn't give up on her too soon. I want to stay to see if/how the therapy changes her... I will be very careful not to be lulled back into the life we've been having together though. Therapy is a MUST, and if she doesn't agree, I'm gone. Even if she does agree to therapy, but there is no change in her behavior I will be gone as well... to me that would be a sign that she just isn't fit to be in a relationship.

 

@ lora22, I reread those posts, and I can see how easy it would be for her to change just until the waters calmed, and then go back to her behavior when she felt comfortable. I will not accept a "I wont do it again" from her. With the help of everyone on this board I have realized that she has a major problem that I cannot fix. She has to want to change and agree to therapy. I will accept nothing less than therapy for her.

 

As for myself I am thinking CODA meetings as well as therapy would be a good idea. Like you, I have tried to talk to my friends about it and they don't understand.

 

@ MusicChick24, I am glad you have been getting help. Your example is the only glimmer of hope in my situation. Like you, my gf has to want to change. I understand that so well now. NOTHING I say or do will cause her to change... it has to come from within herself. If she has that desire, then there is a CHANCE that my relationship with her will survive.

 

 

 

Thank you EVERYONE for your help and support! It feels so nice to have your help. I will keep you all updated

[stillafool]

Hi everyone,

 

Here is my situation. I have been dating my gf for over 3 years now. We are in love. Sadly though, about once every other month or so, we get in a fight that results in her telling me its over and saying horrible things like, "I hate you" or one time she even said she was going to sleep with another guy (who the hell says that??) etc... She even packed up all my stuff once in an attempt to throw me out (we live together)

 

Then the next day or so after the fight she seems to regret what she did/said, but she has the hardest time appologizing for it. I have to beg her to appologize whenever she does something wrong... she just cant seem to do it on her own much.

 

Anyway, the problem is sometimes when we fight she just completely loses control of herself. I know I'm not perfect and sometimes the fight is a result of some wrongdoing of mine (nothing ever too serious), but the fact remains sometimes she cant calmly talk it through. It seems that atleast once every other month she is trying to break up or saying something extremely hurtful.

 

Also, it is not like our arguments progress gradually until she is out of control. It seems that she goes from kind of mad to super mad very quickly.

 

When she does this I try my best to remain calm and realize that what she is doing is not based on her true feelings but on her impulses. However, often times it brings me to tears. It seems that a lot of the time when she sees me crying she starts to gain control of herself again.

 

I've talked to her about this and told her it hurts me, and she has told me she wouldnt do it anymore but she always does it again. I think she sincerly means it when she says she wont do it, however it appears she just completely loses control of herself when we have a big fight ( keep in mind its not every fight she does this.)

 

But besides those couple of days per month or per every other month, she and I get along great for the most part. And we really care for each other.

 

Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly.

 

This is a serious concern of mine because I want to marry her, but I have told her I wont until she can keep herself in control when we have a big fight. I refuse to marry her and then have her threaten divorce every couple of months.

 

Any advice on how to handle this?

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

I would say don't marry this girl whatever you do. There is no good excuse for her behavior. If you were a woman telling us a man acted the way your gf does we would tell you these are major "red flags" and to let her go. The same, same advice applies here. She is going to make your life a living hell if you marry her.

[2sunny]

she does it because she wants to do it.

 

yes, she can control her actions and words - she chooses to hurt you... and YOU let her!

 

now, what are you going to do about it - continue putting up with it or walk away with your self respect?

 

the choice is YOURS!

[TroyNJ]

This verbal abuse will only get worse, she has this "need" to feel in control, sorry bro but I think you have a "dud", the only way to fix this is to shock her out of it..next time she does it tell her that's it and follow up on it.

 

By not addressing this firmly you are enabling it in a way..Time for the SHOCK & AWE aproach.

[lovebubble]

i was this girl, as well. still am to an extent but, i left my relationship and am seeking therapy asap. i am telling you, this behaviour WILL NOT STOP. i will never forget, me calling the police on my husband in a rage to get him to leave the house and the cop said '' i'm not exactly sure what's going on here.. but, i dabble in situations like this one daily.. and i will assure u.. it will not get better, it will get worse ''. i was too dumb and in love to take his words but, he was speaking the truth. it was all verbal until maybe a year into the relationship. this is when i began becoming physical with him. soon enough, he got tired of being my punching bag and started defending himself and pushing me away from him.. result of the last fight, i attacked him and he pushed me down and i wound up splitting my thumb open and bleeding everywhere. this rage.. over time, will wind up being your rage.. and one of you will end up hurt.

 

i read that you were thinking of marrying this girl? plz don't do it. my husband and i got into an altercation the DAY OF the wedding and still went through with it. we are now seperated. you cannot pervent the inevitable.

[sugarmomma]

Eventually our r escalated from verbal and emotional to where he physically assaulted me and that was the end for us. We are now divorced and I will never be in another r where there is not the utmost respect for one another's views, feelings, dreams, etc.

 

My r really didn't have to end that way. Neither of us had the skills necessary for a healthy r. He gre up in a family that was very shaming and I grew up in a family that was angry and my first r was physically abusive. Just a train wreck waiting to happen.

 

One thing I will say though is that I learned the biggest lesson from that r and have been in Coda faithfully for two years. I would suggest you buy some books by Melody Beattie (this woman is truly a prophet) she is a wiz on codependency.

 

As a result of working on my anger and rage issues I am so conscious of the people I have in my life and can identify and handle those people that try to trigger my codependency, insecurities or other issues that I have been working on.

 

You seem to have come to the decision that you guys would get therapy or ELSE!! At that point she either get better or ELSE! Sounds like you may be setting a boundary. The hard part is enforcing it. Even is she doesn't get hep you still should so that you can avoid this the next time.

 

I wish you luck. My xh and I just ended our r instead of therapy and I wished we had at least tried because we really did love one another in the only way we knew how.

 

I wish you the best. Keep us posted!!

[paddington bear]

@ land shark / paddington bear, I see your points very clearly. I do need to make a decision about this and stick to it. She is not rational while in rages. And seems to think only of herself often.

 

Although leaving now is justified, I want to atleast try therapy. I've been with her for three years, so I feel I owe it to myself and her to stick around just a little bit longer. If she doesn't agree to therapy or if she goes but there is no change, I will leave. As sad as it makes me to think of leaving her, I cannot let her treat me like this any longer.

 

I understand that I cannot change or save her. However, if SHE wants to change, then I think she could with the help of a therapist. If she doesn't want to change, then I have no other choice but to leave.

 

@ loveslife I thank you for your contributions, and I'm sorry that this is upsetting you so much. I can see through your example that a break up is probably the only solution... even if she agreed to therapy, I think there is a good chance, like you, she still at this point in her life wouldn't be fit for a relationship...

 

For my own sanity, I just HAVE to feel like I didn't give up on her too soon. I want to stay to see if/how the therapy changes her... I will be very careful not to be lulled back into the life we've been having together though. Therapy is a MUST, and if she doesn't agree, I'm gone. Even if she does agree to therapy, but there is no change in her behavior I will be gone as well... to me that would be a sign that she just isn't fit to be in a relationship.

 

@ lora22, I reread those posts, and I can see how easy it would be for her to change just until the waters calmed, and then go back to her behavior when she felt comfortable. I will not accept a "I wont do it again" from her. With the help of everyone on this board I have realized that she has a major problem that I cannot fix. She has to want to change and agree to therapy. I will accept nothing less than therapy for her.

 

As for myself I am thinking CODA meetings as well as therapy would be a good idea. Like you, I have tried to talk to my friends about it and they don't understand.

 

@ MusicChick24, I am glad you have been getting help. Your example is the only glimmer of hope in my situation. Like you, my gf has to want to change. I understand that so well now. NOTHING I say or do will cause her to change... it has to come from within herself. If she has that desire, then there is a CHANCE that my relationship with her will survive.

 

 

 

Thank you EVERYONE for your help and support! It feels so nice to have your help. I will keep you all updated

 

Good, that all sounds positive and a good start. I was thinking about you, wondering if the messages you've gotten here had had any impact, it is difficult when it's a bunch of strangers on a messageboard, and yet at the same time it's somewhat more objective than talking to a friend who maybe knows both parties. Because I feel like I can't help out or talk so directly to the friend of mine in a similar situation (maybe one day) it's nice to know that someone out there is open to hearing the not so nice truth and moving to a better and happier emotional place in their relationship and life.

 

Wishing you the best of luck and do keep us updated.

[perryellis]

Again, I cannot thank you all enough.. You guys have helped me to see this situation as it really is.

 

Here is an update: My gf came home from her vacation at her parents house, but I only got to spend a couple of hours with her before I had to leave on a business trip. We did talk briefly about the situation though. I laid down the boundaries as I saw fit, and told her that I love her, but that we wont last if her rages continue. I need to really talk to her about therapy, but I don't want to rush it or do it over the phone, so I will when I am back at the end of the week.

 

Also, I have looked up the coda meeting times and will be attending a meeting in my hometown when I return from my business trip.

 

I'll give you updates every once in a while.

 

Thanks again!

[perryellis]

she said she wont rage anymore, but wont see a therapist... even if she cant fix the rage on her own. she keeps saying therapists are for crazy people

 

she says if I just apologized quicker when I made mistakes she never would have raged in the past. she says her last boyfriend didnt make her do this

 

she wont admit to being emotionally abusive, and says that it hurts her that I think it. I cannot convince her that she is. she isnt even willing to go online and read this thread... she said she doesnt need a bunch of crazy people accusing her of being crazy

 

she says she wants a bf who is helped by her not abused by her.

 

she wants us to take a break from each other if I'm gonna keep pressing the issue.

 

if she isnt willing to even admit that she has a problem, there isnt much i can do.

 

I know, I know.. everyone will say its time to break up.. I would tell someone else in this situation the same thing.

 

I just... dont know

 

I'm so confused, just second guessing myself

[kizik]

she said she wont rage anymore, but wont see a therapist... even if she cant fix the rage on her own. she keeps saying therapists are for crazy people

 

she says if I just apologized quicker when I made mistakes she never would have raged in the past. she says her last boyfriend didnt make her do this

 

she wont admit to being emotionally abusive, and says that it hurts her that I think it. I cannot convince her that she is. she isnt even willing to go online and read this thread... she said she doesnt need a bunch of crazy people accusing her of being crazy

 

she says she wants a bf who is helped by her not abused by her.

 

she wants us to take a break from each other if I'm gonna keep pressing the issue.

 

if she isnt willing to even admit that she has a problem, there isnt much i can do.

 

I know, I know.. everyone will say its time to break up.. I would tell someone else in this situation the same thing.

 

I just... dont know

 

I'm so confused, just second guessing myself

 

Lies. Lies. Lies.

 

Avoidance. Deflection. Projection.

 

Inability to accept responsibility. Immaturity. Self-absorption.

 

I HATE your girlfriend.

[Trialbyfire]

Fear of loss shouldn't drive or move your boundaries. Each time you move a reasonable boundary, it erodes on who you are. It also broadcasts the message to the other person, that they don't have to treat you well, since there are no consequences for their bad behaviour(s).