perryellis Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Hi everyone, Here is my situation. I have been dating my gf for over 3 years now. We are in love. Sadly though, about once every other month or so, we get in a fight that results in her telling me its over and saying horrible things like, "I hate you" or one time she even said she was going to sleep with another guy (who the hell says that??) etc... She even packed up all my stuff once in an attempt to throw me out (we live together) Then the next day or so after the fight she seems to regret what she did/said, but she has the hardest time appologizing for it. I have to beg her to appologize whenever she does something wrong... she just cant seem to do it on her own much. Anyway, the problem is sometimes when we fight she just completely loses control of herself. I know I'm not perfect and sometimes the fight is a result of some wrongdoing of mine (nothing ever too serious), but the fact remains sometimes she cant calmly talk it through. It seems that atleast once every other month she is trying to break up or saying something extremely hurtful. Also, it is not like our arguments progress gradually until she is out of control. It seems that she goes from kind of mad to super mad very quickly. When she does this I try my best to remain calm and realize that what she is doing is not based on her true feelings but on her impulses. However, often times it brings me to tears. It seems that a lot of the time when she sees me crying she starts to gain control of herself again. I've talked to her about this and told her it hurts me, and she has told me she wouldnt do it anymore but she always does it again. I think she sincerly means it when she says she wont do it, however it appears she just completely loses control of herself when we have a big fight ( keep in mind its not every fight she does this.) But besides those couple of days per month or per every other month, she and I get along great for the most part. And we really care for each other. Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly. This is a serious concern of mine because I want to marry her, but I have told her I wont until she can keep herself in control when we have a big fight. I refuse to marry her and then have her threaten divorce every couple of months. Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks in advance
dreamergrl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I, at one point in my life, used to be this girl. I had a lot of deep rooted anger about past events in my life and did not know how to deal with them. Eventually I grew past them, and accepted I couldn't change the past. The past was just the past. I learned to love myself more, and be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay with who I was.
D-Lish Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 But besides those couple of days per month or per every other month, she and I get along great for the most part. And we really care for each other. Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly. Any advice on how to handle this? Thanks in advance Well, sadly in some cases- it does. I have major turmoil every month. Emotional in every way. Depression, euphoria, rage, listless... all the extremes. I feel like another person during those days- then it simply goes away. When I was younger, I acted out with it. I have learned to control how I respond to it. It's really frustrating to experience it though. If it's happening just prior to her period... that's a pretty good tip off. She should speak to her doctor.
likestolaugh Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 my gf second guess everything in her life before her period. This includes her future career, and our relationship... just everything. It's not fun, trust me.
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Also, I realize that her period may have something to do with her behaivor, but I cant imagine it would affect someone this badly. My first response to this statement was "really??!!" I don't want to offend the posters who say they've dealt with this type of (potential) PMS, but I personally have never dealt with it, and I have many girlfriends who have never dealt with it either. I mean, OCCASIONALLY (NOT every month) we might get moody, but not to the extent you're describing. If this can honestly be attributed to your gf's period, she NEEDS to go talk to her doctor about it. I had an emotionally/physically abusive bf who acted kinda like that (there were a couple behaviors that I was like check, check - not all, obviously he didn't cry, etc.). He had (and from what I hear still has) anger issues.
Cattery Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Read some of the stuff available online on PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder, basically very severe PMS). I was this person about 10 years ago and it was madness. Have your girl track her period and emotional/physical symptoms for four or five months on a good free menstrual diary site like www.mymonthlycycles.com, then have her take her personal data to her doctor. The behavioral and physical pattern is usually undeniable. PMDD gets a bad rap because some say it was used as an excuse to repackage and market SSRIs like Prozac to an untapped female market. While I never took care of the issue with medication, I definitely think the disorder is real. I control it by watching my diet very closely (avoiding dairy, sugar, soy before that time), supplementing with calcium, magnesium and 5-HTP (natural anti-depressant/mood lifter), exercising regularly and working on my controlling anger issues every day with meditation and other stress relievers. I take a lot more alone time during the few days before I menstruate. I have to take deep breaths and remind myself that my short fuse and ability to be very mean are primarily chemical when things get heated. I have not hurt anyone's feelings or had an outburst in almost a decade. Way back before I made the commitment to improve myself, I had been known to throw shoes, kick people out of my house (they didn't live with me, but still), tackle... Back when I allowed myself to act on my chaotic feelings inside, I would be very unkind and spontaneously end relationships over pretty mundane arguments because it felt like I would never be able to stand living with someone else and it was devastating and frustrating. The tension could just build instantly into full-blown resentment and rage. Solitude is a MASSIVE help during this time, as are people who understand how to calmly walk away from an argument before it gets out of control. I have also learned to be that person! The condition just feels like a near-suicidal frustration, and is classified as a sort of episodic depression every month. It does not give anyone a right to mistreat anyone, and people with this disorder must take responsibility for themselves as much as the next person. Knowing how to reduce the symptoms and focus on one's self is a very key step in living with the disorder. Good luck. Your lady is probably a very smart and sensitive being and there's nothing wrong with that, but ending relationships and saying nasty things is just plain verbal abuse. No one deserves that.
sally4sara Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 My first response to this statement was "really??!!" I don't want to offend the posters who say they've dealt with this type of (potential) PMS, but I personally have never dealt with it, and I have many girlfriends who have never dealt with it either. I mean, OCCASIONALLY (NOT every month) we might get moody, but not to the extent you're describing. If this can honestly be attributed to your gf's period, she NEEDS to go talk to her doctor about it. I had an emotionally/physically abusive bf who acted kinda like that (there were a couple behaviors that I was like check, check - not all, obviously he didn't cry, etc.). He had (and from what I hear still has) anger issues. I know what you mean. I used to doubt the whole PMS stuff and call it excuses for tantrums too. Then I stopped being on birth control. I can't say as I have a problem with PMS, and I certainly don't have PMDD, but I have noticed a difference. If something bothers or upsets me right before my period, I can get whipped into a frenzy that I consider disproportionate to the actual problem upsetting me before I stop to realize that I might just be making a mountain out of a molehill. Every now and then, unfortunately, realize it after I've flipped out over whatever is pissing me off. So if the OP's GF is doing this every other month it just could be a hormonal thing. If she gets it under control (talks to her doc and they figure something out) it could help. Things will still piss her off but she might not be so extreme about it.
sugarmomma Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I used to spas out on my xh llike that and now I know a lot of it was due to my period and some was due to him being an azzhole. anyway you still need to set boundaries with her and not allow anyone regardless of their reason to verbally abuse you. You also may want to stop crying around her so much. Its hard for a woman to have respect for a man that cries a lot. I think its okay for a man to cry but not all the time. My xh used to cry more than me and it was really hard for me to respect him. I look for a man to be stronger than me in most areas.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Thank you all for your responses! I have to say I agree that PMS ads to the problem, however, not every time this has happened has been near her period... so I know that the issue is there regardless. Also, I think I failed to mention that this has been a problem since the first few months of our dating. Another thing I would like to say is I have tried to just leave her alone during these outbursts but that only makes it worse. For example, last time this happened, I just told her that I was going to give her space, so she could cool off, so I went to my friends house. Then she started saying how I would rather be with my friends than her, and how I didn't even care that she was going to break up with me. And I told her "I would care if it were real, however I know from experience that you need to just cool down"... well since her usual "I am going to break up with you" didnt cause the reaction she wanted (I'm guessing she was looking for a reaction) then she said how she would sleep with someone else... something she never said before.... So I dont know how to handle the situation... whether I stay or go doesn't help. I've considered the doctor, like some of you have mentioned, also a therapist too. Maybe, that is what I have to try next. Also, someone mentioned how I shouldnt cry too much.. so I should clarify that I dont do it every time or even most of the time... especially lately because I just know that she isnt herself during these times. It affected me a lot more emotionally in the beginning of our relationship because I took her words and actions seriously. And another thing is that I want to show her I care about her and our relationship so I would let the tears come when I could have stopped them If I wanted to... I know that isn't the right thing to do, so I don't do that anymore. I want to believe she will change, but I am losing hope. Thank you all again for your responses.. I take them all seriously
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Thank you all for your responses! I have to say I agree that PMS ads to the problem, however, not every time this has happened has been near her period... so I know that the issue is there regardless. Also, I think I failed to mention that this has been a problem since the first few months of our dating. Another thing I would like to say is I have tried to just leave her alone during these outbursts but that only makes it worse. For example, last time this happened, I just told her that I was going to give her space, so she could cool off, so I went to my friends house. Then she started saying how I would rather be with my friends than her, and how I didn't even care that she was going to break up with me. And I told her "I would care if it were real, however I know from experience that you need to just cool down"... well since her usual "I am going to break up with you" didnt cause the reaction she wanted (I'm guessing she was looking for a reaction) then she said how she would sleep with someone else... something she never said before.... So I dont know how to handle the situation... whether I stay or go doesn't help. I've considered the doctor, like some of you have mentioned, also a therapist too. Maybe, that is what I have to try next. Also, someone mentioned how I shouldnt cry too much.. so I should clarify that I dont do it every time or even most of the time... especially lately because I just know that she isnt herself during these times. It affected me a lot more emotionally in the beginning of our relationship because I took her words and actions seriously. And another thing is that I want to show her I care about her and our relationship so I would let the tears come when I could have stopped them If I wanted to... I know that isn't the right thing to do, so I don't do that anymore. I want to believe she will change, but I am losing hope. Thank you all again for your responses.. I take them all seriously Sorry, but if it's not PMDD or something else period related...I'm still seeing a lot of red flags of an emotional abuser. Maybe I'm reading too much into this without having the whole story. But, for example, one of the things you're describing is a cycle (starting early in your relationship!!) of her making you validate your feelings for her (with no reason, as far as I can tell from you've posted - meaning she's not blowing up because you did something questionable to make her think you're cheating for example - ps even if that's the case her behavior wouldn't be OK, but I'm sure you know that). That is a freaking huge red flag of emotional abuse. I've been there, done that, and went through therapy for it (being on the receiving end, perhaps like yourself). Maybe you should do some googling, and talk to a doctor yourself?
sugarmomma Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 She probably won't change so don't bet on it. You on the other hand have the ability to change. Based on your previous post since her outburts are not due to PMS she just has a problem with respect. You have a problem with setting boundaries with respect to how you allow others to treat you. If someone disrepects me or keeps threatening to leave I would break up with them because what the are doing is making me emotionally depnedent on them. You become dependent on them to make you feel good or bad. You need to establish boundaries with her and stick to them (oh yea, that's the hard part). If you want things to change let her know that you will no longer be her emotional punching bag and if she can't be an equal partner you will be forced to make a decision about the relationship. This is really subtle so you need to be conscious of how you allow her to talk to you, her tone, inflection etc.
carhill Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Could also be psychological and/or organic brain chemistry issues. There also might be undiagnosed physical issues. When was her last physical? Has she had her thyroid (TSH) tested? Hemoglobin? As an example, when I was caring for my mom, whenever she'd forget to take her Metformin (a diabetes med), her blood sugar would spike and her psychosis would worsen. Get the sugars under control and she went back to 'normal'. We're all just big chemical factories. I don't envy you. It's tough when you love someone and they treat you like that. I know what that feels like. You may have a tough decision to make. I wish you wisdom and strength
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Just reread both your posts again. I'm probably going to be thinking about this all night, because there are just so many things that are bothering me about what you're saying, and bringing up my own memories, etc. Can't help but think back and compare. Anyways. After rereading, I just wanted to add that if this is an issue of emotional abuse, there is nothing you can possibly do to change or fix the situation, except to remove yourself from it and from her. Permanently. You are absolutely right when you say that "whether I stay or go doesn't help." I have a picture of one of the cycles of abuse, which is 1. tension building, 2. incident, 3. reconciliation and 4. calm - I don't know how to insert a picture like other people have though. Also, just fyi, by definition, rage is abuse. Rage is screaming, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smoldering, and anger used to punish. These are just some things to think about. If I were you I'd look into emotional abuse a little bit more, see if it applies to you and your relationship, maybe talk to a therapist or doctor...
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Would also like to add that one reason I don't see this as JUST an anger issue is her inability to apologize and so forth after the fact.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Again, thank you for the replies, it helps so much to talk about it. It is interesting some of you have mentioned a lack of respect she may have for me. I have been noticing a lack of respect in how she treats me recently. I have made this known to her as well. The lack of respect isnt just evident when she has an outburst, but also in smaller confrontations. For example, the other day she asked me a question and I was preoccupied so I didnt reply fast enough for her.. then she proceeds to call me a jerk or something. Although being called a jerk isnt a big deal, I felt it was unwarrented and showed a lack of respect. Or today, she came home from work and we were supposed to go visit her parents (which is a 2 hour drive) and she wanted me to be ready by a certain time... well when I wasn't ready she started yelling and even told me she was leaving without me. I told her that although its ok to be upset, I didn't do anything to deserve her disrespectful behaivor towards me. And for the first time in a while I stood up for myself and told her that she needed to appologize before we left. (I'm not sure if this was the best way to handle that situation) But guess what happened... she wouldn't appologize and left without me. And I know, again, that I'm no saint, and I've been disrespectful to her at times, but I've never taken it as far as she does. As far as a chemical imbalance goes... I think its possible, she hasnt had a physical in ages, so maybe I should take her to the doctor. I regret not setting boundaries earlier on in our relationship. I know I'm making her sound like a witch, but she really is a sweatheart most of the time, and we love each other a lot. I know a lot of you wouldn't stand for someone being disrespectful and would end the relationship, but honestly I dont feel I could that. She's been such a huge part of my life for these last three years, I feel that I should do everything I can to make it work. Thank you all so much
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I'm still seeing red flags and hearing alarm bells. Good luck to you.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Lora22, yes maybe it is emotional abuse.. but I don't know how to verify that. What if I'm wrong it it is only period related... then it is not emotional abuse? And just to clarify, non of her rages have been about me cheating, ive never done that or has she ever suspected (as far as I know) that I have. They usually are about the dumbest things... Lora22, with your experience was the emotional abuse something that happened daily, or just every once in a while? Because the way I feel, is that she only has these rages every month or every other month, which over three years adds up, however it is only a small percentage of the time we spend together. Thanks again, I hope I'm not bringing up bad memories for you.
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Lora22, yes maybe it is emotional abuse.. but I don't know how to verify that. What if I'm wrong it it is only period related... then it is not emotional abuse? And just to clarify, non of her rages have been about me cheating, ive never done that or has she ever suspected (as far as I know) that I have. They usually are about the dumbest things... Lora22, with your experience was the emotional abuse something that happened daily, or just every once in a while? Because the way I feel, is that she only has these rages every month or every other month, which over three years adds up, however it is only a small percentage of the time we spend together. Thanks again, I hope I'm not bringing up bad memories for you. It's no problem, I want to help if I can. Yes, even if it's period related, it's still abuse...however the good news with that would be that hopefully there is a way for her to get help dealing with her issues as other posters noted. If I were you, I would google emotional abuse, read a few different articles and websites, and see if anything rings a bell with you. Also, talk to a doctor or therapist if you can - they will be able to help you the most in figuring out what's going on. I didn't think it was about you cheating or anything; the fact that it's over little things is still a red flag (whether it's a chemical imbalance of some sort, emotional abuse, whatever). It was always something little with my bf also - I mean, like you mentioned, it could be because I didn't answer something as quickly as he thought I should, or I didn't use the exact tone or words in answering that he wanted. Really small ridiculous things. For me though, it could be larger issues also, although again, it was never anything that I had actually done wrong, or if I had, what I did shouldn't have warranted the extreme response I got from him. Abuse can happen daily, monthly, whatever - if emotional abuse is the issue here, what you've described is definitely your gf's cycle (not to be confused with period related cycles!). There is always a period of calm; in your gf's case that period is around a month long for the most part. That's how it started with my bf also. Right around the three year mark his cycle started getting shorter and shorter; by the fifth year (when I finally got out for good) his cycle was roughly three days. I just googled "cycle of abuse diagram" and found this website; if you scroll almost halfway down the page you'll see a version of the diagram. http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.html In another post you mentioned that normally your gf is a sweetheart, you get on great, etc. I would've said the exact same things about how great and wonderful my bf was. That's one of the reasons you doubt yourself, have a hard time letting go, etc.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 In another post you mentioned that normally your gf is a sweetheart, you get on great, etc. I would've said the exact same things about how great and wonderful my bf was. That's one of the reasons you doubt yourself, have a hard time letting go, etc. You hit the nail on the head with that one... Thanks for the diagram and for the other links you other posters gave. I must do some more research... If anyone has anything to add, please do so!
loveslife Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I've been in emotionally abusive situations and the person can be the sweetest person 90% of the time. And you might convince yourself that you can live with it 10% of the time. But you're living with it all the time because it's always hanging over your head, even if you don't realize it. You're probably on edge somehow waiting for the next time. And there's always a pattern to the abuse. Nice, mean, reconciliation, peace...nice, mean, reconciliation, peace... It can destroy your ability to trust and to love. It makes you subconsciously even equate being yelled at and invalidated with "love." Which in turn can hurt your ability to love someone else in a healthy manner. And even if you think you can handle it and be okay, consider if you want to have children with this woman. Do you want your children growing up thinking this is what love is? Because believe me, it will only get worse over time. And it will be a million times harder on a child than it is on you. It could damage a child in a million different ways. I suspect you're much more disturbed by it than you're letting on or you wouldn't be here. I also think it would help you to talk to someone, to understand why you got into this situation to begin with and help you recover.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 I appreciate your view loveslife considering you have been in a similar situation. I appreciate everyones opinion! thank you all! You all bring up some good points. A little research found this webpage http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200812/emotional-abuse-verbal-abuse-very-early-warning-signs My gf has some of those characteristics mentioned in that article... but I have had a problem with one of those too, which is minor jealousy... although I have tried hard to get over it, and feel that I have for the most part. Something else that really upsets me is when my gf gets upset at something I did she often says that I ALWAYS do that thing that upsets her, even if that was the first time I had ever done it. Its like somehow my most recent action defines all my actions over the last three years. For instance if I have done "X" throughout our entire relationship and one day I do "Y" in her rage she would yell "You always do "Y" i hate it!!" or something like that. Which leaves me confused because that is completely false, and I feel like it should be obvious to her its false too. I really just feel like she cannot think clearly when she is very upset. What really bothers me is how much control she seems to have over me when she goes into a rage. Its not so much the "I hate you" or "You are such a dissappointment to me" that affect me anymore because I believe that she really doesn't mean those things... but its the "we're over" or "Im breaking up with you" etc that controls me because I become so fearful that she will actually follow through and break up for good. Its like I become her slave and would do anything, ANYTHING to bring her back to reality and to ensure she wouldnt break up. And its not that she commands me around like a slave at that point, because she doesn't, but its just the fear in my mind. I think of losing her and it is so sad. I feel so helpless at that point. But I'm not depressed or anything other than at those moments after a fight. I feel like a confident, healthy human being... just with a huge problem in my relationship... Thanks everyone, you are so helpful
loveslife Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Perryellis, I think you should do some research on co-dependency. Remember, it takes two to tango, so to speak. Also look up "enabling." A co-dependent feeds off of and encourages unhealthy behavior with another individual. You might say you try and get her to stop but this behavior is somehow fulfilling something within yourself or you would leave. By staying with her after she does these things you are saying that it's okay. And she (perhaps subconsciously) knows she can continue acting this way because you stay. What is it validating in your view of yourself? Co-dependents focus on fixing the other person when what they really need to do is fix themselves. There is a lot of denial involved, a lot of making excuses. You have accepted being a part of this cycle for years now. Why are you focusing on helping her - she doesn't want to change - when you really need to help yourself. Get yourself to the best possible place.
Author perryellis Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Perryellis, I think you should do some research on co-dependency. Remember, it takes two to tango, so to speak. Also look up "enabling." A co-dependent feeds off of and encourages unhealthy behavior with another individual. You might say you try and get her to stop but this behavior is somehow fulfilling something within yourself or you would leave. By staying with her after she does these things you are saying that it's okay. And she (perhaps subconsciously) knows she can continue acting this way because you stay. What is it validating in your view of yourself? Co-dependents focus on fixing the other person when what they really need to do is fix themselves. There is a lot of denial involved, a lot of making excuses. You have accepted being a part of this cycle for years now. Why are you focusing on helping her - she doesn't want to change - when you really need to help yourself. Get yourself to the best possible place. I have often wondered if I am codependant. I just took an online test and although it may not be accurate it did say I am somewhat codependant. Here is why I think I may be... and I'm not sure if this even falls under the catagory of codependancy, but when my gf is not happy it usually makes me unhappy... and vice versa. I will have to do more research on the topic. But I agree that I've made it OK in her mind do do what shes doing because I have remained with her even after she has done it multiple times. But, I don't feel like I am only assigning blame to her. I take responsibility for my part in it. However, what can I do to change myself to correct this situation?? The only thing I can think of is breaking up... and so in my mind I would atleast like to TRY to change her before just throwing in the towel.. Ironically, the very thing I'm trying to avoid (breaking up) is probably the only answer.. To be honest it has come to the point where I have acknowledged that she will not change... and so last time this happened I just ignored it pretty much... like I said before I just went to a friends house... but it only made things worse. The sad truth is that if I want to remain with her I'll probably just have to put up with this... I will also have to ignore it emotionally by telling myself that she doesnt mean any of it, while at the same time pretending to be affected by what she is saying so that she can validate in her own mind that I care... what a messed up situation.. I doubt I could put up with it. I need to give her an ultimatum or something... tell her if it happens again I'm gone... and actually follow through... because I have told her before that if it happens again it will be over between us... yet when that time came I couldnt go through with it. But I think I should also take her to a doctor to make sure she is ok chemically and whatnot But I will do some more research on codependancy... if I have a problem with that, I want to fix it. I feel like I'm rambling so I'll go to bed now. Thanks again
Woggle Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Next time she uses you as a verbal punching leave her for two weeks or so and let her try and win you back for a while. This will send the message that you will not put up with her crap and that you have respect for your self. If she still won't stop leave her for good because it will only get worse. If you think it is bad now wait until you two are married. Give her one chance to cut it out and if she fails that move on.
Cattery Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Upon closer reading, your girlfriend is exhibiting classic symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD). Being tangentially involved in the mental health field as a substance abuse treatment counselor, I encounter BPD diagnoses of the addicts I help treat fairly frequently. It is unwise for me to diagnose anyone (I am not a psychologist) based on secondhand information or for people to attempt to self-diagnose or diagnose others, but often times seeing these kinds of facts can give people the strength to leave a bad situation or to identify the sources of their own disordered thinking. What triggered my thought that she might have BPD was the always/never thinking and accusations you described. Also, the fact that it seems that you can do no right in her eyes is very problematic. She doesn't want to be alone but she doesn't want you to go hang out with your friends, etc. She displays rampant impulsivity. Her anger can be uncontrollable. BPDs can't see grey, their world is black and white, usually due to some kind of early abuse in their life. Here's what the DSM IV has to say about BPD symptoms: A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonmentA pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluationIdentity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of selfImpulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behaviorAffective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)Chronic feelings of emptinessInappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms BPDs and codependent people are also notorious for attracting one another. The result is usually a horrific cycle of emotional abuse, separation/reconciliation and all the fun things BPDs do to themselves like abuse alcohol/drugs, self-injury and other impulsive behavior. I'm a very hopeful person, but our staff psychologist has said that BPDs are the least likely to heal unless they are VERY committed to controlling themselves and the disorder. I would read as much as you can about the disorder and recommend that your girlfriend seek help. People with this disorder tend to mellow out as they age, but again, how much abused and angry people heal is entirely up to them. Please look out for yourself no matter what. Emotional abuse is emotional abuse, period.
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