Am I being too demanding...or used & taken for granted.

[sunshine2031]

I've been in an exclusive relationship for a yr w/ a 32yr old man who lives in Iowa. He is divorced & has full custody of his 11yr old son. However, bf lives next door to his parents. His son lives/sleeps at the grandparent’s house & visits with dad/bf from 6-10pm on weeknights & all day on weekends. The first 6 months of our relationship was local. I really enjoy spending time with this guy. he has repeatedly expressed that he loves me & wants to marry me one day and that his kid really likes me. The relationship was good, but I felt like I was always second to his son & that he wasn’t willing to any make alone time for the relationship. Maybe once a week we had a few hours of alone time, but it was only because his son wanted to do something else, play at his friends house, etc. I am now living in F & the above problem seems magnified by the LDR. BF says he and his son will move here in a year. In the mean time we visit about once per month. I schedule work/take PTO so that I can visit him 4+ days. He only works 4 days/week, but when he visits me, its for less than 2 full days….even on a holiday weekends where he has off from work for 4 days. Why? Because he wants to spend the rest of that weekend with his son. At first he called almost daily, but usually it was late at night after his son went home to the grandparents. By that time BF was too tired to talk much (Maybe 5 mins) & seemed a bit grumpy. Sometimes he’d call me when his son wasn’t at his house, but the second his son walked in, bf would abruptly end our conversation. When I call him, I often feel like I must have called at a bad time & he doesn’t want to talk. Repeatedly throughout the relationship, I’ve tried to nicely tell bf that it feels like I/we are just not that important to him. What surprises me is that he’ll be stunned by these comments & insist that “he does love me & these doubts are all in my head.” Last month I addressed my feeling w/ bf & we had a big argument. I told him that I felt like either he doesn’t love me or enjoy spending time/talking with me, or that he simply doesn’t want to make anytime for a woman/relationship…& that he takes me for granted. I told him that this is the loneliest relationship I’ve ever been in & I’m beginning to think we should just call off the rest of our planned visits & relationship. He got mad because he & his son already had booked flights to visit me (live at my house) for a week & his son had been so excited about going to the beach every day! This comment really upset me! Does the idea of losing the women he allegedly wants to marry not compare to his son missing out on a 1-week-free-tropical-family vacation!?! He insisted that I should at least give him a chance to change.

 

After that argument, we made up, but we’ve only talked maybe 6 times this past month. Two of the four weeks he was at an Army Infantry Training in Indiana & didn’t call me even once during that time. He claimed he didn’t call any during that time because he only got 4hrs of sleep a night. I again told him that I feel we just don’t have enough interaction/time to sustain a relationship & that maybe we should call off it off. He got mad because he’s planning on coming with his son next week. I asked if he’s just holding onto the relationship to have a free family vacation. He denied it & stressed that he loves me & he can’t wait to see & spend time with me. We briefly talked again on Monday & our conversation was pleasant. However I haven’t heard from him since then. I suspect the next time he calls will be on Friday night to tell me what time he & his son’s flight arrive Saturday morning. I’m considering telling him to go find a hotel & rental car for the week! I feel like my bf’s words don’t match up with his actions. Am I being too demanding of a gf by wishing that he’d regularly want to call me?...or take me out on an exclusive date even though he has a kid? I feel like he is either using me or taking me for granted. I feel like we have a major communication problem. I don't know how to fix it or if I should even bother trying anymore. Please let me know what you think.

[2sure]

Since you invited, they accepted, and plans have been made..it would incredibly rude and wrong of you to change your mind at this point regarding the vacation.

 

It sounds as though your bf might be one of the many people that just doesn't enjoy phone communication.

 

Certainly, two adults - whether they live together or not , should have dates and adult time together sans children. If he wont initiate that, you need to insist on it and make the plans yourself. If he is resistant...it doesn't sound like you will be fulfilled in this relationship.

 

You sound as though you almost feel like you are competing with his child for attention...and that is never good and will lead to bad.

[sunshine2031]

Thanks so much for the reply. I've too worried that it would be rude for me to tell him to find another place to stay. Six months ago I invited bf & his son to visit for a weekend....then bf right away went and booked flights for a whole week without talking with me about it. But 6 months ago, the relationship was still good. By now its dewindled so much that I'm sincerely worried that I won't be able to fake it 24/7 for a whole week. I really feel hurt by and disgusted with my bf. I don't want to argue or discuss the relationship in front of bf's son for his sake. And Unless bf & I manage to have some heart-to-heart talk (which I guarentee we won't have any time to do it that week), I think the odds of an argument or my avoiding them all week are high. Either way, his kid will pick up on it. Last time bf visited, we couldn't even make it 1.5 days before we were arguing again. I just feel like we're in a downward spiral.

 

I use to feel like maybe the child was the reason why my bf seemed to rarely want to spend quality time together (in person or phone). But now I really believe it has nothing to do with his kid. (He actually even commented once in an argument that he just uses his kid as an excuse to not talk with me) =(. I think the guy may just be emotionally unavailable or not understand women. Thats why I'm so confused. He'll act like he doesn't even want to be bothered with me, but then he insists he loves me and doesn't want to break up. He said his first wife cheated & left him for another man. I believe there is never an excuse for cheating, however I wonder if his ex-wife felt a lack of love or companionship in their marrige.

[TaraMaiden]

....Or maybe he's keeping you at arm's length and not being loving or demonstrative, for fear of 'loving you too much' and getting hurt again - whereupon he will be able to say -

"See!? Women!! They're all the same!"

[D-Lish]

That's the down side to dating a partner with children.

The children will often come first (as they most assuredly should)!

 

However, it isn't selfish of you to want more out of a relationship than what you are getting from him. I think it's a case of not being the right fit for one another.

 

Of course you are entitled to want more time in your guys life. It's unfortunate, but you are not going to get it from this man.

 

I dated a man with children- briefly. I was never happy with the lifestyle. The ex-wife used to show up at his house when we had date night. There was a never ending routine of doing things with his kids. I think it's noble- and I applaud parents that can remain good parents following a divorce. BUT, the lifestyle wasn't/isn't for me.

 

I think cancelling this trip is better than leading him on if you just aren't feeling you want to be with him anymore. I've cancelled plane tickets the day before a trip and only had to deal with admin fees. He'll just have to deal with it. However, if you think you can salvage things- it may be a good oppotunity to do so. That's a decision you'll have to make quickly.

 

You're not being selfish by wanting more out of your relationship, just as he isn't being selfish by not being able to give it to you. It struck me as very sad when you said it's the lonliest relationship you've ever been in.

You owe it to yourself to change that- even if that means leaving him.

[Rollercoasterr]

Your children always come FIRST, so yes you should be second to his son. I asked a few people I know about this and they all agree with me. Your children are the first priority in your life, everything else comes after that.

 

I think you need to give the guy a break. He's been doing a lot lately. It's not like he has a choice. If he's been getting 4 hours of sleep while he was away then you would think that you would WANT him to rest. So in that sense, I think you're overreacting and being a little too demanding. Maybe you need a hobby or something, because it sounds like you're just sitting by the phone and waiting for him to call. He has a life, and he has a child that he gets limited time with in a day. If you're not going to be accepting of his child and if you're going to be that step-mother that is always competing for attention and then throwing a hissy fit when he picks his son over you(which will happen. Any good parent will pick their child over an SO any day), then perhaps you SHOULD get out now.

 

From your post all I'm seeing are red flags about the fact that you'd rather him pick you over his son. Maybe he's seeing those red flags too, and that's why he's keeping you at a distance. My mom and dad have been divorced for years, and every single time that it felt like an SO was trying to make EITHER parent pick them over me, I never saw that person again. And I'm only 20, so it's not one of those weird things where I'd be 30 and still have this happen. That wouldn't be too healthy, I wouldn't think.

 

And keep in mind that the child is 11 years old. I don't think that he'll be comfortable leaving him alone or dropping him off at a beach while he takes you out on an "alone" date when he comes to see you. At least the parents I know wouldn't. I could be wrong about this guy. I could be wrong about your post, but like I said before, from the time I started reading your post all I saw were red flags. But then I don't know you're entire relationship history since you said that he told you he just uses his kid not to talk to you. That isn't good.

 

Overall, I just think that both of you want things that the other can't give. And there's nothing wrong with that. It happens sometimes.

 

Sorry if I'm wrong, but I'm just giving you my honest opinion.

[sunshine2031]

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Your children always come FIRST, so yes you should be second to his son.

 

I agree that children must be very important to a parent but why does there have to be a ranking of children vs SO/spouse. Its not like the parent only has a limited number of love points they can give out, thus they must allocate them accordingly. The parent can still give an unlimited amt of love to their children and still give some love to their SO or spouse too. If you’re speaking in terms of time, then do you think its health for a parent to give 100% of all their non-work time to their children and 0% time to their SO or spouse? If so, then do you feel that all single parents should not date until all of their children are fully grown? In terms of marriage, I think I may disagree with you. I think BOTH the children and the marriage have to be priorities. At times the children have to be #1, and other times the marriage has to be #1. For example, child is #1 on their birthday, spouse is #1 on anniversary night, etc. Why? Because that parent made a lifetime commitment to that other adult. If that parent is never willing to invest anything into their marriage or treat it like it is something meaningful to them, it will eventually fall apart. Then all they have done is RE-traumatize their kids from their first marriage, traumatize kids from their second marriage, and experience all the pain of another broken marriage. Also I think making kids ALWAYS the #1 priority is giving them too much power to rule/manipulate the parent & home. I’ve honestly wondered if that mentality contributes to the 75% divorce rate for second marriages. My parents always made it very clear to their children that their marriage was #1 and honestly I think that’s why they are still married today. They had date night once a month and hired a babysitter. As kids we knew there was no chance of playing one parent against another because they were always a united front. However, since my parents never divorced, its hard for me to understand what its like for a stepchild. I imagine just seeing a parent date if very hard for a child. I shared my thoughts on this topic, because I’m open to insights and willing to learn more about it.

[sunshine2031]

I think you need to give the guy a break. He's been doing a lot lately. It's not like he has a choice. If he's been getting 4 hours of sleep while he was away then you would think that you would WANT him to rest.

I had no problem with the no contact during his training right up until the night he said he was gonna call (because the training would be finished by the day before) and then he didn’t. Also, what about the lack of much contact during the other two weeks? The real problem is that I sense he doesn’t WANT to call. This isn’t something knew this month and I don’t think it has anything to do with his son. I think its either a women or communication issue. If it’s the latter, I don’t know how to fix it.

 

And keep in mind that the child is 11 years old. I don't think that he'll be comfortable leaving him alone or dropping him off at a beach while he takes you out on an "alone" date when he comes to see you.

 

Oh no, I didn’t mean a date during this trip (that’s why I said that bf & I would not have any time talk). I mean that when I visit him. The grandmother lives right next door, is always available, and the son loves her. Plus, we only see eachother once a month. Do you think that if I fly out to see him for 4 days, its unreasonable for him to carve out 3 hrs for a dinner date one night? During the 6 months we were local, we went on 2 exclusive dates, total ! I just don’t see how either of us can determine if we are right for eachother if we can never spend any time (in person or phone) alone together.

[sunshine2031]

....Or maybe he's keeping you at arm's length and not being loving or demonstrative, for fear of 'loving you too much' and getting hurt again - whereupon he will be able to say -

"See!? Women!! They're all the same!"

 

Wow! I hadn't thought of that. You know...the first time I met him he said "I'll never ever get married again". I thought to myself..."wow, some women must have really burned him bad." Since then, he says that he's changed his mind after meeting me. But, I never considered that whatever baggage he gained from the first marrige would overflow into his future relationships. If he does have any fear of emotional intimacy, maybe being in LDR just zoned in on the problem....because that's all we have available right now.

[Rollercoasterr]

I never said anything about anniversary nights, or birthdays, but you make it sound like you're the 11 year old kid stomping it's foot and saying "Well when are you going to pay attention to ME!". Like it or not, this kid comes along with the package. And just because the kid is number one does NOT mean that it gives them too much control. It simply means that in the terms of doing what's best for your child, it will be done, no questions asked.

 

Both of my parents dated when I was younger. I encouraged it. But if I smelled that something was fishy with their boyfriends/girlfriends I voiced my opinion. I knew something was wrong with my moms ex the second he walked through our door. I was nice and sociable, and never let him know, but 3 years later he left her for another woman. Children know when something is wrong. They aren't stupid. And he wanted me away from my mom every chance he could get so he always brought his kids over too. His daughter and I are still best friends, but I could care less if he fell into a well and was never found again.

 

Maybe the single dad thing isn't for you. You sound like you need to have more attention from a man than what he can give to you. Nothing wrong with that at all. But I do think that if you loved this man like you say and if you were serious about making it work that you would be a little more accepting of his situation. Look at some other posters on here. Check out the countdown thread. One man is just short of tears of joy about his SO bringing her daughters to see him. When you have younger children that might not understand OR be accepting of their dad dating someone(this depends on how fresh the divorce is), then they DO need to be protected and DO need to feel like they wont just be thrown away when someone comes along.

 

Feel free to disagree, but I just can't help but get that competition-with-the-kid vibe from you.

[mammax3]

It is tough to date a person with children IP, let alone attempt it LD. And, like everyone I think Kids will come first with a single parent, since often there are few secondary choices (I'm thinking illness, attention etc).

 

However, it is important for adults to have their own space, and kids to have their own space.

 

I don't feel that OP is competing with the 11 yo son. There is something fishy here, and I think due to her inexperience with dating a single parent she believes it's due to the child.

 

Sunshine, can you be sure he's divorced? Separated? I'm sorry for asking.

 

I understand every family is different, but I've got three children and I can still date - and I don't have my next-door parents taking my children every night.

[LDR]

I also dont think the OP is competing with the 11 y/o kid, she even invited him to her house. Its really weird that in 6 months they went in only 2 dates. The kid is not a baby, so I dont see what the problem is with him staying with his grandparents. It isnt fair to the OP, nor to the relationship.