flossy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Hi, I'm new to this but I could really appreciate some input before I go absolutely insane! About 4 weeks ago I met a guy when I was out one night. He knew someone in the crowd I was chatting to. He ended up challenging me to a game of squash. When I asked what the wager was, he said 'a quiet night out with you'. So we exchanged numbers and a few days later I contacted him and we arranged a match. The match wasn't planned for a couple of weeks, but as soon as I'd contacted him we were endlessly texting from that day up until we met 2 weeks later. Needless to say, we hit it off straight away, it was fantastic! Two days later, he turned up unannounced and it all came out - he hadn't been completely honest with me, he was currently divorcing his wife, has a daughter and was in the process of doing up a flat for them to live in. Said if she found out about me she'd take him to the cleaners. He was shaking and didn't seem to take a breath until it was all out. He said he'd come round to tell me straight away because he wanted us to start as we meant to go on and be completely honest with each other. I told him straight I would never see a married man and he better had be splitting from her, but I liked him so much I was prepared to hang around until his wife had moved out and they were legally separated. And to be honest, I couldn't fault him because he certainly could have kept it from me for a hell of a lot longer than one date! After this we carried on texting, almost constantly, as well as several phones calls and saw each other a couple of times to chat about things, but never took things any further as we both agreed to do things properly. Needless to say we grew very close. Friday night he was at a concert and kept calling me and telling me how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me, but we both knew we had to wait. Anyway, this was the week D Day was due - or at least moving out day. The guy had been busting a gut to get the place ready asap. I even have photographic evidence so I know he was telling the truth. His wife was even giving him grief because he wasn't making it priority and it was taking too long. Only now I have no idea what's happening. Late Saturday afternoon he called me from his home phone to say she'd confronted him with my name. He told her we'd done nothing other than chat. She said he could at least have waited until they'd moved out, which technically we had been doing! Said that if we end up together he'd never see his daughter again and she was going to a solicitor to clean him out. She'd also logged onto his mobile phone account online and counted up 600 text messages he'd sent me in less than 4 weeks and the phone calls. So he could no longer use his mobile to contact me. I told him that if she was going to take his child away we couldn't be together. He said he'd take the flak and we'd be okay. The following morning he called, sounding very fraught and upset, as she'd taken off with his daughter and wouldn't let him kiss his child goodbye. He said he'd call me later or try and get over to see me but didn't know how his day was going to pan out. Clearly I wasn't expecting anything from him, I knew he had to sort things out asap and get his daughter back, that was priority, not me. He said he thought things were going to get very nasty. Since then I haven't heard from him at all and that was 4 days ago and my head won't stop spinning! The first day I hadn't heard from him, by late evening I was really very worried, especially as we'd always had such constant contact. I text saying I was worried and asking if he was okay. Still nothing. The following morning I text him saying he had to focus on keeping his daughter and not risk having anything to do with me, but he knew where I was if he needed me. Still nothing. By the following evening my head was filled with all sorts of nonsense about what could have happened - none of it that he'd walked away from me. So I called his mobile. His wife answered! Needless to say I hung up! So now my head is in a spin and I really don't know what to do or what's going on. I keep swaying from it all being lies and as soon as his wife found out he dropped me like a hot potato, but then, if it was just an affair why did he want to wait yet keep up the constant contact? Then I sway in the other direction and the fact that I probably can't even begin to comprehend the mess he's in and the trouble she may be causing him and he may well be lying low while the dust settles and he gets things sorted and he'll reappear. Then I think I should call him during the day to find out what's happening as he can't call me. But then, if he really wanted to make contact, there would be ways and means wouldn't there? He seemed as frustrated as I was that we couldn't be together and told me he couldn't wait to see me, how much he was missing me. Teased me that if I walked away he'd come and track me down. Now there's nothing but complete and utter silence. Should I just give up or believe he'll make contact with me when he can?!
In_Repair Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Why did you hang up when his wife answered? What have you done wrong? You met a man who claimed to be in the process of divorcing, and you have been a close friend since that time. Now that friend has turned up missing and you would like to know that he is alright. You want to know the truth? She will tell you the truth...
2sure Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 During the process of divorce, its always nice if it can move on prior to one of the spouses meeting someone else. But it doesnt always happen that way and the divorce goes on unimpeded. Child visitation and support are court ordered and although an affair may make the partner less amicable...it doesnt change the outcome. Since this particular couple is actually at the point of living separately I dont see much of an issue at all. The reason he has been SO paranoid and afraid is that they are not as close to divorce as you may have been led to believe. A divorce, under any terms , does not take away a fathers visitation of a child simply because of the mothers wishes or spite. That was him setting you up that "He must stay for the child." His wife caught him communicating with you and / or others. Odds are excellent that he has been caught before and that he has been trying to get back into her good graces. He is right now, terrified that she will leave him or kick him out for good - whichever scenario she was working on. Sweetie - you cannot make words reality, you have to look at actions. His wife answering his cell phone...he not taking or returning your calls...the "staying for the kids" crap....these are not the actions of a man set on leaving his wife.
jj33 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Im sorry you are going through this but I think you know the answer. He hasnt turned up missing . He got "caught" and he is laying low. That must be very painful. Very very painful. I am sorry you got caught up with a liar.
MistyK Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I agree, something doesn't smell right here. The fact that he was supposedly content to wait for sex means nothing - he may have done that for any number of reasons including: 1-maybe he was only hoping for an emotional affair or 2-maybe he was trying to appear noble so that you'd eventually sleep with him anyway when inevitably his wife didn't move out. Those construction photos could have been for anything, including a new residence for the whole family. If they were lviving seperately now, why would she have his cell phone? And, I don't believe there are no other phones on earth he could have used (i presume he has access to a phone at work?). My opinion is he was in the process of building a new place for the whole family to move to and figured he'd have an A before leaving town cause it'd be relatively easy to pull off and satisfy a temporary itch. But, his W found out so he's busy begging for forgiveness and telling her he has no contact with you. I'm glad he got busted quickly, imagine how much harder it would be if you had been really emotionally invested and under a mountain of his intricate lies.
offset_man Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I agree Love: sounds like he was lying in the most despicable way. One thing to lay it all out on the line and then you can make the decision, but quite another to lie to you.
D-Lish Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I think it's funny that he roped you in pretending to be single... then admitted to being married, but in the midst of a divorce... then he blames the fact that he has to stay with her because she found out about you. It's all rather convenient for him, isn't it? Don't be another woman that gets roped into the same lies most married men tell. His relationship with you began as a lie- and most of what has happened since sounds incredibly suspicious.
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Sounds like a complete sad cliche - what a loser. I'm so sorry this happened to you and that you got caught up with this guy. He's not getting divorced and he is still with his wife, and he wanted the excitement and romance of a fling with you....you should run away from this guy! - he's bad news!
2sunny Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 yep, he's just laying low until the dust settles - then he will pick it up full force when the coast is clear and he has appeased her enough to see you again. i'd call again. when she answers - simply ask for him. if she engages in a conversation - answer her questions and ask her a list of things you have written out as well. i think it may give you some indication of the truth - and her as well. then you will know where things stand... either they ARE divorcing or they aren't. that is when you will know what to do next, and always a great reason why i tell people NOT to get involved until the divorce is FINAL. the FINAL papers show that they are no longer in limbo. my gut says he was lying the whole time - but i could be wrong... please post again and let us know how the conversation goes with his wife.
MistyK Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I think it's funny that he roped you in pretending to be single... then admitted to being married, but in the midst of a divorce... then he blames the fact that he has to stay with her because she found out about you. Yeah this was the moves of a serial and experienced cheater. Pretending he was being honest right off the bat so that when he'd have to hide you, you'd be understanding. And the bit about losing the kid - classic way to suck you into feeling sorry for him and excusing the fact that he stays with his wife. This guy is good. If you need the proof that the guy is lying, check the courthouse. Divorces are usually public record and easy to see if one's even been filed.
bentnotbroken Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You have been drop kicked over the goal post of life. Move on. He's a liar and cheat, what do you need that trouble for?
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 4 weeks and this guy has caused you this much turmoil? Is he really worth it? My god his life is full of drama, RUN far and stay away. You've barely invested much into this, so get out while you still can, find a nice single guy who is going to treat you well and not lie to you.
Mino Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 yep, he's just laying low until the dust settles - then he will pick it up full force when the coast is clear and he has appeased her enough to see you again. i'd call again. when she answers - simply ask for him. if she engages in a conversation - answer her questions and ask her a list of things you have written out as well. i think it may give you some indication of the truth - and her as well. then you will know where things stand... either they ARE divorcing or they aren't. that is when you will know what to do next, and always a great reason why i tell people NOT to get involved until the divorce is FINAL. the FINAL papers show that they are no longer in limbo. my gut says he was lying the whole time - but i could be wrong... please post again and let us know how the conversation goes with his wife. I agree with Sunny, call her again, I mean hey, if he was being honest, he has nothing to hide, right? I met a guy recently, who claimed he was 11 months seperated, D will be final next month. I said "well thats great, I just got out of such a R, and If all your saying is true, give me your wifes phone number and let me ask her myself. I mean your telling me your still friends, I am sure she will understand me calling, So what the number? LOL, Guess what, HE NEVER CALLED AGAIN< the little Sh*t head! HHAAAAA:lmao: Thats the way to handle it, honey!
fooled once Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I must have a totally different cell phone plan because I can't go online and see who I text and how many times. Maybe that is the difference with unlimited texting. And I don't understand why man OW text a MM either racy texts (which a wife can find at anytime) or repeatedly text or call someone after that person has told you "I will contact you". He isn't divorced. I would wait to hear from him before calling him or texting him again. And then I would wait until he was divorced or at least legally separated before I continued to see him.
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