Loss of sex drive for wife,

[obsessiv]

Hi, I could really use some advice with this difficult subject.

 

I met my wife 5 years ago she was 23 I was 32. We met at our local gym, she was an aerobics instructor. She is a beautiful girl, my dream girl, 5'4" 112 lbs.

At the beginning our sex was amazing, we could hardly get any sleep. after the first 6 months it dwindled to an acceptable level of maybe 5 times per week. Unfortunately I suffered alot during these times with having to always be the aggressor and feeling like it was totally up to me to maintain our sex lives. At times I would get very frustrated over this and felt that maybe she didnt love me very much. When we did have sex tho, it was always fantastic. She would say that she didnt feel very sexy since she had gained about 10 lbs, now 122 or so. Blow jobs became non-existant, I would drop hints that I would like them but always felt guilty for asking and its not exactly a turn on to have to ask. Still no sign of her taking any innitiative. I would get so frustrated and feel so unloved that I would finally have a melt down and tell her I couldnt take it anymore, this happened about every 10 months. She would respond to this, coming to me at night either giving a blow job or inniating sex. I would feel very happy during these times, loved. Usually good like this for 7 to 10 days, kinda back to how it was when we met. Then I she would get lazy again and the cycle would start over. We had a few breakups for a week or two and I would quickly realize that I couldnt live without her. My atraction to her so strong, and my love very powerful, I eventually accepted that she just wasnt going to be the sexual aggressor in our relationship. It still made me feel unloved but I believed in my head that she trully did love me.

So back to the weight issue, she went up to 125 and she started to not seem as attractive to me, cellulite on her hips etc, loosing her waist. She was so upset by it without me ever saying anything. If I would ask her hows she was feeling she would answer "fat". I did my best to compliment her in a truthful way. Always saying she looked nice in what she was wearing. I did notice tho that I lost some more attraction to her which was very scary because I was totally responsible for our sex lives. I decided that you cant always expect peerfection and I would cross that road when I came to it. We got married and it made us stronger as a couple for sure. Every thing has been great, making good money, very happy together etc. I love her so much. Then 2 months ago her weight shot up again, now 137, lots of cellulite. She is 28 now, still eats very well from what I can tell, work outs every other day, cardio and weights. I think she is a little depressed. Doesnt like her job, feels overwhelmed, no energy etc. I love her and tell her all the time, never complain about her weight.

I by the way am very muscular and fit looking, 6 pack abs etc.

I more or less stopped initiating sex during this time. She asks whats wrong and I just try to make light of it. She asks for sex alot now but still never really initiates. She knows I am very attracted to thin girls she has always known this. I find myself thinking of other thin girls all the time, and less and less about my wife. I hate myself for it but cant stop. I have no intention of cheating.

What I need is some advice on what to do. I dont want a sexless relationship. I have a huge sex drive normally. My wife is becomming detached as well and I worry that she might look for someone else. I want to talk to her but I know she would be crushed if I tell her Im not attracted to her. I have just been trying to have sex once a week and so far it seems to be ok. please help

[shadowplay]

You really stopped losing attraction to her when she was 125 pounds at 5'4"? That's a normal, healthy weight. It sounds like you're overly critical of yourself and others.

 

I think part of the problem is she detects this, and that drives her weight gain because she feels unattractive to you and hopeless about her body. Food has probably become her comfort in place of your affection.

[redtail]

Hi, I could really use some advice with this difficult subject.

...

 

My grandmother used to say, if everybody threw all their troubles into a bag, you'd still reach in and pull out your own. I think this couldn't be more true than it is for you.

 

In my opinion, you need to focus not on just what may have been but focus on what you have. You have a lovely wife and a good marriage, and you seem to me to be a loving husband. You are still young, and of course so is your wife. No one starts out with a "manual of marriage", we pretty much muttle through it the best we know how. You and your wife are at the stage where I believe a good marriage counselor could build on the foundation you already have and make it stronger.

 

As life goes on, there will be troubles, I know you know that. But that doesn't necessarily mean something went wrong, sh** happens. You and your wife are partners and can see this through this in a way that makes your bond stronger and more able to handle what ever else is in store for you and whatever troubles come your way.

[HsMomma]

My grandmother used to say, if everybody threw all their troubles into a bag, you'd still reach in and pull out your own. I think this couldn't be more true than it is for you.

 

In my opinion, you need to focus not on just what may have been but focus on what you have. You have a lovely wife and a good marriage, and you seem to me to be a loving husband. You are still young, and of course so is your wife. No one starts out with a "manual of marriage", we pretty much muttle through it the best we know how. You and your wife are at the stage where I believe a good marriage counselor could build on the foundation you already have and make it stronger.

 

As life goes on, there will be troubles, I know you know that. But that doesn't necessarily mean something went wrong, sh** happens. You and your wife are partners and can see this through this in a way that makes your bond stronger and more able to handle what ever else is in store for you and whatever troubles come your way.

 

Outstanding advice, redtail - OP, listen to this advice - you're unlikely to find better either here on the boards or in "real life.":)

[stuckinoz]

First of all SEX does not = Love. You say you only feel loved when you're having sex frequently. After marriage sex ALWAYS dwindles down to what most people see as a comfortable level. (not crazy kid sex 3-4-5 times a day - that's unrealistic to keep up year after year)

 

Also, you seem VERY obsessed with her weight. Women's bodies change over the years. 5'4 & 130's ish....really isn't that bad. If you want a "Model" for a wife, perhaps you should trade down in age every few years so that you have someone that has a perfect body.

Sorry....It sounds a little harsh - I just have an issue with men who think that women should THIN!!! It's really too bad too, cuz lots of guys are missing the Personality Boat...because they are SO obsessed with thin thin thin.

[Ronni_W]

The book, 'Why Men Stop Having Sex' by Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz, offers an insightful and sensitive look into the serious problem of sexless and almost no-sex relationships. I highly recommend it.

There is much more for men, about women, than the title suggests.

 

In hardcover, it is 'He's Just Not Up For It Anymore' -- that title alone is enough to put me off, but I'd still highly recommend the contents.

[obsessiv]

The book, 'Why Men Stop Having Sex' by Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz, offers an insightful and sensitive look into the serious problem of sexless and almost no-sex relationships. I highly recommend it.

There is much more for men, about women, than the title suggests.

 

In hardcover, it is 'He's Just Not Up For It Anymore' -- that title alone is enough to put me off, but I'd still highly recommend the contents.

 

I appreciate the recommendation, thx. It seems so far the advice is to appreciate what you have and that is great advice. I really do need to focus on that. Maybe things will improve if I start being more appreciative.

[whichwayisup]

Seems whatever 'dream girl' image your wife was when you two first met, isn't the same anymore..which is really unfair to her. People get older and age! I mean, you could put on weight, have a pot belly or lose your hair. I bet you would be hurt if your wife was turned off of you just because you looked abit different, not look like you once did at the beginning.

 

Anyway, I suggest counselling because if you two don't, this will get worse and you'll continue to detach and grow apart.

[sunnylu]

This sounds terribly familar..... and very personal..... Do you think your wife could be depressed? Does she enjoy doing things she used to do - like hobbies (not necessarily sex)? If she's still exercising, and eating smart...... her cortisol level is probably too high (from depression). This can take a naturally think woman and make her put on 10-15lbs for no reason...... if you think this could be the case, she may want to look into a cortisol blocker....or, try a prescription for depression as it could be a chemical imbalance. I know this stuff, because.... I had always been the same size since about the 9th grade.... 5'6 around 115lbs... suddenly over a summer I put on about 15lbs and that doesn't seem like much to most people but when you go from being tiny to, well, curvy, over a span of months for no reason...this in itself can be depressing. It turned out that I was depressed - my doctor suggested I try an antidepressant (wellbutrin 300 seems to work for me) and it was crazy but, in about 3 weeks, I had gotten back to the tiny size that was normal for me. This in itself helped my depression as I could wear all my clothes again and felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't know..... it does sound like you are really fixated on weight..... never ever tell her you think she's chunky....it will be very hard for her to recover from that......

 

If she's not depressed, she may have a problem with her thyroid or something. I think she should go to the doctor regardless and get checked out.

 

You, my friend, are lucky to have a beautiful wife. Six packs aren't everything..... just remember that -

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand that you are frustrated. People underestimate man's need for an attractive mate, and one that he is attracted to, and regular and enthusiastic sex with said mate.

 

However, don't let this need become the focal point for your relationship. Your wife is probably thinking now that the only thing you love her for is her looks/condition and sex. The weight gain could be a subconscious way to 'test' how you feel about her, and she sees that you aren't passing the test. So, she gets depressed, puts on more weight, and feels more detached from you than ever. You say you feel loved most when she is intimate with you.

 

What makes her feel most loved?

 

Do you think that if she were getting those needs filled, that she might be more enthusiastic about keeping herself in shape for you?

 

I can tell you this - you may not be thinking about cheating, but when a woman feels the way that your wife does (and I see it a lot on these boards), she might start looking for getting those needs met elsewhere, and she will start working out like a fiend and getting in smoking hot shape, but it won't be for you.

[obsessiv]

This sounds terribly familar..... and very personal..... Do you think your wife could be depressed? Does she enjoy doing things she used to do - like hobbies (not necessarily sex)? If she's still exercising, and eating smart...... her cortisol level is probably too high (from depression). This can take a naturally think woman and make her put on 10-15lbs for no reason...... if you think this could be the case, she may want to look into a cortisol blocker....or, try a prescription for depression as it could be a chemical imbalance. I know this stuff, because.... I had always been the same size since about the 9th grade.... 5'6 around 115lbs... suddenly over a summer I put on about 15lbs and that doesn't seem like much to most people but when you go from being tiny to, well, curvy, over a span of months for no reason...this in itself can be depressing. It turned out that I was depressed - my doctor suggested I try an antidepressant (wellbutrin 300 seems to work for me) and it was crazy but, in about 3 weeks, I had gotten back to the tiny size that was normal for me. This in itself helped my depression as I could wear all my clothes again and felt comfortable in my own skin. I don't know..... it does sound like you are really fixated on weight..... never ever tell her you think she's chunky....it will be very hard for her to recover from that......

 

If she's not depressed, she may have a problem with her thyroid or something. I think she should go to the doctor regardless and get checked out.

 

You, my friend, are lucky to have a beautiful wife. Six packs aren't everything..... just remember that -

 

Thx for the advice She is still eating well and exercising, She really does seem depressed and has even mentioned it a few times. I will talk to her about it again.

[obsessiv]

I can understand that you are frustrated. People underestimate man's need for an attractive mate, and one that he is attracted to, and regular and enthusiastic sex with said mate.

 

However, don't let this need become the focal point for your relationship. Your wife is probably thinking now that the only thing you love her for is her looks/condition and sex. The weight gain could be a subconscious way to 'test' how you feel about her, and she sees that you aren't passing the test. So, she gets depressed, puts on more weight, and feels more detached from you than ever. You say you feel loved most when she is intimate with you.

 

What makes her feel most loved?

 

Do you think that if she were getting those needs filled, that she might be more enthusiastic about keeping herself in shape for you?

 

I can tell you this - you may not be thinking about cheating, but when a woman feels the way that your wife does (and I see it a lot on these boards), she might start looking for getting those needs met elsewhere, and she will start working out like a fiend and getting in smoking hot shape, but it won't be for you.

 

This is a really helpful post for me, thank you! I think what you said is almost exactly whats going on. Nice to have someone give you a wake up call

[DMoon]

I wonder what you would do in your marriage if she became sick or physically debilitated and thus she certainly won't look like the ideal that you married. Will she still suck? Will you divorce her because you are repulsed by her? Do you think she will see you the same way if something should physically mar you in some way and she became disgusted by your mere presence as you are by the slight weight gain?

[randasmith]

I agree with DMoon 110%. Most women marry because they are in love, not because their partner is smoking hot. Men can gain weight and become unattractive just as quickly as the female spouse can. And what DMoon asked about the what ifs is GREAT! True, men need attractive spouses but real love will carry you farther than any superficial appearance will.

Don't take this the wrong way, but get over yourself and be more in tune with what your wife's actions and body language are telling you.

[vox]

Man you people are vicious. He's not the antichrist because he wants a reciprocation from his mate for sex. Women bitch all the time about their husbands being emotionally unavailable and it's all "RIGHT ON SISTER" for that, but if a guy wants equal desire and attention to sex, he's a pig. As for his fitness and preference, he works hard to keep himself fit and there's NOTHING wrong with expecting that in return.

 

OP: You're not wrong for how you feel. I think it's more than you were ignored for so long that you lost interest, not that she's put on some weight, which is more of a minor factor, to be sure.

[hoping2heal]

I found it weird that you called her your dream girl because she was 5"5 and 112 pounds. You didn't say, she has a really big heart, is very caring and smart and witty. You didn't even say it like..she's so sweet and kind and we have a great time, and she's also very attractive! Nope, it was just listing purely physical qualities and associating that to her being your dream girl.

 

Now, I'm not going to say you're a bad person or a bad guy. However, I think you are missing something inside yourself that keeps you from finding a trully meaningful connection. I mean, 5"5 123 pounds? For real? "She has some cellulite" sweetheart, wait until she has children cellulite will be a miracle blessing, even if she does keep her weight off.

 

I'm sure it's hurtful to not feel acknowledged, sexual denial is a really really hurtful thing. It makes you feel rejected in the worst way, it isn't even the lack of pleasure that makes it so painful or hurtful, either. However, I don't know if she really can sense your hyper-critical -ness I can see how it would be painful for her too.

 

I realise there are going to be people who will tell you that you're as hallow ******* for what you've said, and then there will be those who feel what you said is all fine and dandy. Well, how I feel about it is, I have seen some of the most unattractive people paired, or people with unattractive partners, and they look so beaming and happy. It's a genuine thing you can feel, in a sense I almost feel like those are the people that got it right sometimes. They are just trully enamored and adoring of one another, and it's because of what we CAN'T see. Some cellulite won't marr that or take it away from them, you know?

[Heroic]

If 12 pounds is all that is keeping you from "loving" your wife by all means divorce her.

 

Your post is undoubtedly the most shallow thing I have ever read.

 

Let a man who can appreciate a "Fatty" fall in love with her.

 

You may have a 6 pack...but you don't have a soul.

[vox]

If 12 pounds is all that is keeping you from "loving" your wife by all means divorce her.

 

Your post is undoubtedly the most shallow thing I have ever read.

 

Let a man who can appreciate a "Fatty" fall in love with her.

 

You may have a 6 pack...but you don't have a soul.

 

Wow, dude, you need to learn how to read. He said nothing about love. Marriage has a sexual component and she rebuffed him over and over and over again for years, and attractiveness is relative. For a fatty who goes to Hometown Buffet three times a week, 12 pounds is just appetizers. But for someone who takes pride in himself and works to be healthy, fit, and attractive, it almost certainly would be a factor in sexual desire, not LOVE.

 

Also, me think thou doth protest too much. Sound a little chunky over there.

[bean1]

Hmmm OP, I hope you listen to what I have to say.

 

When I met my partner, I was 112lbs and 5'5, working out 1-2hrs per day. Let me say, it is a very difficult weight to maintain (because you can't have significant muscle at that size - so it really is excess cardio and low calories). I gained 10lbs over a few years. I stopped working out much (although that has since changed). It was a phase. We went through a phase of a lack of sex. Part of it was that there was a bit of distance between us since I stopped working out, I was feeling a bit down. I convinced myself that I might be with the wrong man - what would I do if I gained 30lbs during pregnancy (very real possibility!) - would he think I was fat and leave me?? I think it was sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Anyways, we are back to normal now. I am working out, he is working out, I am still 122lbs now but I am leaner than ever (doing heavy weight workouts). I feel much better now, and we are having great sex.

 

Actually, I had to do a double take because we are the same ages as you and your wife. I thought you were my partner, LOL. We are not married yet though.

 

My only advice is to let her figure this out for herself and make sure that she knows that you still love her at 125lbs. Nothing SCARES a small girl more than knowing that she can't maintain an underweight figure for the rest of her life. It CAN'T HAPPEN. She cannot stay 23 and 112lbs forever. She needs to know that you will still love her at a normal weight with normal cellulite.

 

She is probably scared, to be honest. Scared that she can't maintain this. Her metabolism is changing, she is feeling distant because of it. It's not ok that she keeps turning you away.