cheatingfriend Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Hi all, first i just want to say sorry if this goes on for a bit! I have only recently found this site and it is helping so much!!! Anyway i just wanted to post this to get another perspective on my situation. I was due to get married next year but me and my fiance split a few weeks ago and I am in the process of moving out. I dont think the relationship can be saved but my main worry is that my ex was cheating on me with a close friend and that they are still seeing each other. It all started a few months ago when I noticed a change in him. We were hardly spending anytime together due to work and his hobby!! Anyway we spoke about and said we would try to work things out. One day i got a bit suspicious and i checked his phone ( i know i shouldnt have) and i found a message which was under a boys name in his phone but it was the same intials and a shortened version of my friends name, if that makes sense. We all work together and the message was something along the lines of how that person would rather move than have their heart broken when i pass you on the stairs or see you with her. i didnt say anything to him about it at the time. A few weeks went by and i checked the phone again and found another message from this same boys name saying that she had a fight with her husband ( the text mentioned the name of my my friends husband who i suspected the first text had come from) and i need you. I know that my friend and her husband were having problems as she had told me. I ended up confronting him and he swore blind nothing was going on and he even went back and told my friend who also told me there was nothing going on. I was pretty embarassed and ended up taking their word for it. Again a few weeks later i checked again and found a message saying you can come round coz my husband is out. Me and ex had big row over this and he phoned my friend in front of me and told he and she said that the text was meant for her brother as he and her husband dont get on. Since then we have split and i am still in the house we share whilst sorting a place to live and the other night the ex was drunk so i checked the phone and found a message from her under her own name saying 'babe i know its hard but dont text me from home' Just a few other things i noticed, they both smoke and spend a lot of time in the smoking area at work together, on a work night out he came and picked me up and i noticed him watching her most of the time he was out and not paying any attention to me. I know the relationship is over but this girl is a close friend and i also work with her daily! Just wanted others opinion on if i am putting 2 and 2 together and coming out with 5 as i dont like the thought of a close friend lying like that especially as she is married with a child. Sorry its so long x x
Athena Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 This is a difficult and painful situation. I hope you are not 'wasting' your time wondering IF they are having an affair? Because it is obvious that they are. My advice is to tell your 'friend's' (some friend!) husband what is going on. Be matter of fact with him. Do not say 'you think', state it as a fact. Let her H sort her out, and work on their marriage. Then, tell your fiance's family, so he cannot tell them lies about you. If he was messing around in your R, then he shouldn't have the luxury of telling them you messed up! Next, try move from your workplace... into a different department, or office, or another job if possible. If not, then at least speak to your supervisor to see if you can avoid both of them on the job. Don't take him back ever again. Sorry for your pain, but if he is messing around on you now before the wedding day, take it as you dodging a bullet. Keep on reading the boards.
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Thank you for your reply. To be honest I always knew deep down but wished that I had some proof to confront them with. I dont want to tell this so called friends husband as he is a nice man and they have a young son together and dont want to break up a family for the little boys sake. I am sort of stuck at work and unable to move at present so its even harder when i have to see her most days, although since the last text message she has been off work so i have not had to face her. I just dont know how to go about confronting her, I am not bothered about him as i dont want him back but would just like the truth. Your reply has helped a lot, thanks x
Athena Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I understand that you don't want to tell the husband in order to protect him and his son... but -- think about it: the reason why your 'friend' is having 'problems' lately with her husband is because she is cheating on him! He doesn't stand a chance on saving his marriage if he doesn't know what the Real Problem is! She doesn't tell him, so he cannot address the issues. If only he knew what was going on, he could confront her and then they could either work on the M and do what is right, or they could decide to split. If they decide to part -- it would not be YOU that 'caused' the split -- it would be 1) her cheating 2) their decision made together, not to work on their marriage. As a betrayed spouse, I can honestly say I believe he needs to be told this information. It will be very valuable and helpful to him if you explain what's been going on in his life and who he's been dealing with. The earlier he knows, the better chance he has of doing something about it. Please do not delay. Another thing -- the fact that you and your fiance are split up, allows them more time together... her M is already running into problems, so it will just be a matter of time before this poor husband of hers gets blindsided. As it is, he is undoubtedly getting gaslighted now and is feeling crazy, but will not have any idea of what is wrong with their M. Help him please. Who knows, perhaps he will return the favor and fill you in on the Truth that you need, when he gets to the bottom of this. As for wishing you had proof -- firstly, I promise you that you don't need any solid proof -- you can just talk to them as if they are cheating (because that, they are)... you can still have the conversation. I have to say that you can always hire a PI for a day or two... you will soon get evidence... I feel for you. It's a terrible position to be in -- double betrayal from a friend and a lover. And then losing your future you believed in -- your hopes and dreams. I wish you strength to get through this all. Do you have a good support system? Family, friends, or a counselor to bounce this stuff off?
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Hi all, first i just want to say sorry if this goes on for a bit! I have only recently found this site and it is helping so much!!! Well then I am so glad you found Loveshack! I was due to get married next year but me and my fiance split a few weeks ago and I am in the process of moving out. I dont think the relationship can be saved but my main worry is that my ex was cheating on me with a close friend and that they are still seeing each other. I don't think the relationship should be saved even if it could be!! Not only cheating on you but with a close friend to boot! What a complete wanker! You are lucky you found out before you married the jerk! And HER!!! Not much of a friend is she??!! Trashing your friendship and betraying you. Betraying her husband who she should be steadfastly loyal to as well. She is a girl to steer clear of! We all work together and the message was something along the lines of how that person would rather move than have their heart broken when i pass you on the stairs or see you with her. i didnt say anything to him about it at the time. OMG! I don't know how you kept it to yourself!! A few weeks went by and i checked the phone again and found another message from this same boys name saying that she had a fight with her husband ( the text mentioned the name of my my friends husband who i suspected the first text had come from) and i need you. I know that my friend and her husband were having problems as she had told me. It wasn't over by now? Well, now it certainly should have been. I ended up confronting him and he swore blind nothing was going on and he even went back and told my friend who also told me there was nothing going on. I was pretty embarassed and ended up taking their word for it. Both of them lying. UGH. What did you think they'd do? Confess? Not a chance. Again a few weeks later i checked again and found a message saying you can come round coz my husband is out. Me and ex had big row over this and he phoned my friend in front of me and told he and she said that the text was meant for her brother as he and her husband dont get on. Lie and cover again. Bullshyte completely. Generally you should trust your gut - but then you found smoke. And then again you found fire. He is a loser who doesn't deserve you and she is no friend. She doesn't embody any of the characteristics of one. Since then we have split and i am still in the house we share whilst sorting a place to live and the other night the ex was drunk so i checked the phone and found a message from her under her own name saying 'babe i know its hard but dont text me from home' Plainly and clearly over. Glad you are moving on. Just a few other things i noticed, they both smoke and spend a lot of time in the smoking area at work together, on a work night out he came and picked me up and i noticed him watching her most of the time he was out and not paying any attention to me. So they continue they're "relationship" of course. Ridiculous people that deserve each other really. I know the relationship is over but this girl is a close friend and i also work with her daily! Just wanted others opinion on if i am putting 2 and 2 together and coming out with 5 as i dont like the thought of a close friend lying like that especially as she is married with a child. Sorry its so long x x You need to wash your hands of both of them and be glad you found out before you married him and spent any more time on your friendship with her. Good riddance to bad rubbish. When you find out you have trash in your life get it out immediately because it stinks up the place!!
jmargel Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 It's obvious that those two are cheating and disrespecting you. Please get checked for STDs because you cannot trust either of them. You don't know if your ex has been with more women than just her and you have no clue what kind of guys she's been with. It's not your responsibility to tell your ex-friend's husband but if you were in his shoes, you would probably want to be told. That's the reason why they are fighting because of her treatment towards him and the cheating. Cheating spouses always tend to start arguments, lay blanket statements on how awful their relationship is. I know how you feel, I was there myself. I was once engaged and she cheated on me with my close friend. They ended up getting married, having a kid and then he cheated on her and they divorced. She's told me numerous times how much she regrets what she did but I told her that was her choice and no going back. She knows there would never be a second chance. She still admits today that if we would have married she would have bolted (cheated) because of her immaturity at the time. I believe your ex would have done the same. Please don't put your own self-worth into what they have done to you. I did, and it made me suicidal for quite awhile. I had to snap out of it and realize that it's their own personality faults that caused this. No matter who he was with he would have done this too. As your ex-friend try to go no contact as much as possible. Don't tell them anything, they don't deserve to know. Don't trust either of them, right now they are pitying each other but that will change. Take things day by day and if that's too much take it hour by hour. It does get easier. Look up the five stages of grief, something you probably are going through. Remember to keep yourself happy, do things that you wouldn't normally do if you were with him.
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Hi Athena, sorry to hear that you have been betrayed and hope you are ok. The worst thing is that this also happened to me in a previous relationship and I cnt believe that its happened again! I understand what you are saying about telling her husband because i would always hope that if someone knew that info about me then they would tell me. I have thought about telling him but as i have to work with her at the moment it will have to wait. Im sort of stuck for good friends to be honest. After the last time an ex cheated with my best friend i have found it really hard to trust any friends so i dont have anyone really close. My other friends all know this girl so dont really want to tell them and put them in a bad position. Thank you very much for your reply its so good to get things off my chest x
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Hi Islandgirl thanks for reply and i agree good riddance to bad rubbish!!! Just wish i had the proof to confront them with just to see thier faces as they both know how strongly i feel about cheating!! x Hi Jmargel, thank you for your reply too!! I cant believe how helpful everyone has been on her, i am just finding it hard to cope with the fact they have lied, i am building up to confronting them about things and i am glad that i have finally found somewhere that i can share things x
bentnotbroken Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 The text messages came from a number. Get the phone records and tell her H. He deserves to know what he is dealing with.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 The text messages came from a number. Get the phone records and tell her H. He deserves to know what he is dealing with. I second that and I'd let the employer know as well.
In Like Flynn Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Don't complain about being cheated on if when you see it being done to a person you know and do nothing!!! Do the right thing!!!
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Thanks for the replies i agree that I should do something and tell her husband as I think that if it was the other way round I would be greatfull for someone to have told me. I have no idea about how to get his phone records as his mobile phone bill is not itemised and he is not using the house phone. If I had the proof I would speak with my employer and ask about a move away from my place of work even if its just for a few months till i have got my head straight. p.s whilst he was in the shower before i checked his phone and he had switched it off!! So glad i am out of it now and will be in my own place from tommorow. x
lkjh Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Tell her H. He deserves to know. They will make you out to be crazy but in the long run only they will loose. Never take your fiance back
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 You are so rightIkjh, when i confronted him about the messages he could not give me any exolaination for them and just said he didnt remember getting them. Both of them have tried to make me feel i was crazy for even thinking of it. I may contact her husband tonight as I am going out with work friends for a couple of drinks and she has pulled out saying she is still to sick to go out. Anyway ex partner will be off tonight and it wouldnt surprise me if they have planned to meet and she may have already told her jusband she is coming out with work friends!! x
sugarmomma Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 The husband deserves to know that she is the scum of the earth. Now do the right thing and tell him!!
Author cheatingfriend Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Ive now decided that i will tell her husband after i have confronted my ex and friend. I have spoken to her in work and told that i know he was cheating and with someone in work as i had seen messages on his phone. I just wanted to see what her reaction would be and she was quite sheepish and was asking what the messages said and stuff so i really do think that she now deserves everything she gets!!! Thanks for all replies x
lkjh Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Ive now decided that i will tell her husband after i have confronted my ex and friend. I have spoken to her in work and told that i know he was cheating and with someone in work as i had seen messages on his phone. I just wanted to see what her reaction would be and she was quite sheepish and was asking what the messages said and stuff so i really do think that she now deserves everything she gets!!! Thanks for all replies x Don't play that game. If you know they are cheating together, tell now. If you tell them first they will find away to make you look crazy. They will make it seem like it is all in your head. Tell the H now
imani Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Don't play that game. If you know they are cheating together, tell now. If you tell them first they will find away to make you look crazy. They will make it seem like it is all in your head. Tell the H now Be prepared for the following: a)When you confront your and tell her that you KNOW it is her having the affair with your hubby, she will probably deny, deny, deny. She will not own up to it until you show her your facts or mention certain things that proves that you know it is her (like those IM's/emails you mentioned.) b) Even when you produce the proof, your friend will continue to lie,lie,lie and be all adament and theatrical in her claims that it is not her. - Don't fall for it. c) If you do decide to tell her hubby, be prepared for him not believing you at at first. He may even believe the lies about you that your "friend" will surely make up about you in hopes to save her own ass. - Just keep your calm because you know the truth. d) Don't be surprised if she tells her hubby that she is not having an affair with your hubby but that your hubby has been stalking her all of this time. Basically, just know your husband and your "friend" are going to try to make you sound crazy and insecure in order to save their asses. I'm so sorry you have to go through this type of betrayal and especially having to be around them at work. Did any of your coworkers know about this and not give you a heads up?
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