sandy12345678993 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 There's so much talk on these boards about all the pain and sorrow that comes with a bad breakup, usually from the standpoint of the dumpee. I've never been the dumper, so I don't know about that perspective. But what does a good breakup look like? I can think of only one GOOD breakup that I've experienced. It was my first one, and it's my basis for judging all other breakups. I was with my first boyfriend who was my first love, my first everything. I was young at the time, and I lied to him about something I shouldn't have. Anyway, we were at a party, and he was not having a good time. He told me that we needed to talk about something. I knew then that the breakup was coming. We drove back to his house and sat in the driveway for a long time talking. He explained to me what he was unhappy with and told me he couldn't be with me. He talked and I cried and we talked some more. He answered all of my questions. I did try to not let the breakup happen, but it was his decision. Finally when we were done, he told me that he didn't want me to go home. He wanted me to stay the night with him. He wanted to make sure I was going to be okay. I told him that all I was going to do was go home and cry, but I stayed with him. We got into bed and I cried and he just held me. He didn't try and do anything or have sex with me. It was very sweet. Before we fell asleep, he kissed me once very gently and softly. It was probably the best kiss I've ever had. The next morning we got up. We didn't say much. There wasn't much left to be said. He followed me out the door, kissed me on my cheek, and I left. That to me was a good breakup. I should mention that of course I called and wrote a letter, and we did end up getting back together. That lasted for all of a few days, and then he completely ignored me for about 3 weeks until he called me one night at 1 am. So I went over there pathetically and we talked and we got back together again for about 3 weeks over Christmas. Then a few days after New Year's he called me at work and said this isn't working and broke up with me (I knew it was coming) and then hung up on me. He left town about a month later never to be heard from again. That breakup was terrible and quite painful. But............... The actual first breakup of our relationship was good. He handled things quite well, and I very much appreciate that. All of the subsequent "stuff" that happened afterward was not pleasant, but I'm grateful for how he handled my heart the first time around. He was kind and considerate and respectful of me and my feelings. It didn't leave me bitter and untrusting of men. It was a very good learning experience. If only I could say that about the rest of my breakups.
moo Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I think a good break up is when the person is gentle with you. If the person wants NC, then the person should try to gently explain that, instead of just being cold and avoidant, leaving you to figure it out for yourself. If you have a terrible argument and break up that way...after a few days or a week...after you've calmed down, some gentle communication would be nice to tie things up. Set the goals for the break up. Will there be contact? If so, how often? Will there be no contact at all? Would you like to be friends several months down the road? Etc., etc.
Exit Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I agree with moo. Ironically enough, it's all about communication, which may present a problem for 2 people who were having trouble communicating during the relationship. Being cold and heartless is not the way to go. Try to agree on whether or not there will be any contact. AVOID all potential obstacles, if someone asks for their stuff back, do it A S A P. Otherwise it will turn into a reason to hassle each other at some point down the road. Ask me how I know this with an ex who kept my things for 3 weeks. For 99% of breakups I do NOT think there should be any mention of the word FRIENDS. You may be able to handle that at some point in the future, but do not even get yourself into that mess right away. Feelings and resentments do not disappear over night and you will NOT be good friends starting the next day. The dumpee asking to be friends is just grasping at straws and trying to maintain any type of relationship even though it will be counter-productive to their healing, and the dumpER trying to be friends is usually trying to cushion their own feelings of guilt by thinking they are helping the person, or they are selfishly looking out for themselves "I don't love you but I don't want to lose a friend". Heck the person is about to get dumped, you can afford to lose a friend.
araven Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I guess my best break up is with my most current ex. She wanted to break up, so we did. It took me a few months to get over her, but now we're really good friends
ON MY OWN Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Another way a breakup can be a "good" one in addition to what posters are agreeing with in this thread is to not give a person false hope or lie to them in any way. I had both done to me by my ex-fiance and it only made me suffer more.
asuman Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Well, I'm content with how my current break-up has taken place so I'll just describe that one. Mind you we weren't even in a real relationship as we'd only dated for 2 months, but I had fallen for her. She called me one day to tell me that she really liked me but she didn't think we were going to be a long-term item. I told her ok, and I really enjoyed getting to know her, so... goodbye. She interjected and said we should still get together and "hang out." I told her, maybe some day in the future, but I'd developed feelings for her, so not for a while. She said that was ok. Two weeks later, I discovered that she had a boyfriend, and that she had actually been dating the two of us at the same time (she had disclosed to me early on that she was dating other people) and had to make a decision, and obviously the decision was to not choose me. So, I sent her a nice email, telling her that I'd learned of her boyfriend, that I understood now why things ended between me and her, wishing her well, telling her I had a lot of fun with her and had no regrets about anything. She wrote me back and showered more compliments on me than most love letters I've gotten from past girlfriends, finishing by telling me I was "awesome" for being so understanding. And that was it. I won't write her back or see her again, until I've forgotten about her. If I have to break up with a girl I'm nuts about, this is exactly the way I'd like it to be.
t0ri Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I'd agree with the others - being gentle about it is huge. BUT also making your intentions or point very clear, with no false hope or dishonesty. And some sort of explanation! My recent ex used NONE of those tactics when he dumped me, which made things hurt even more. He was extremely mean, led me on once he came back after dumping me originally only to do it again, gave me no explanation, ended things in cowardly ways both times, and showed zero compassion whatsoever, among other things. So ya, how he handled things would be opposite from my idea of a "good" breakup.
Ingenue Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Communication and respect towards the dumpee plays a large part as to whether the break-up is "good" or not. I think gently, but firmly communicating your desires face-to-face is probably the best way to break up. This provides the dumpee with an opportunity to confront the dumper and ask the questions that need to be asked. No break-up is conducted in a void; it should be communicative and participatory for both parties, as unpleasant as it will be. The dumper should be honest and not provide any inkling of false hope. Unless the dumper is in grave physical danger, a break-up should never be via email, text message, social networking site, IM/chat, telephone or a dear John letter. If the dumper liked the dumpee enough to date him/her, s/he should have enough courage and respect to state that to the dumpee in person. Anything short of that is disrespectful and cowardly.
Thornton Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I agree with everything that Ingenue just said. Face-to-face communication is the only respectable way to break up with someone. You should be prepared to answer all their questions about why this is happening, why you don't want the relationship to continue, etc, because the hardest part is often not knowing and driving yourself crazy wondering what you did wrong. Being kind and gentle is a must, as is being truthful and honest. The worst breakups are those where you don't know why someone dumped you, especially if you thought everything in your relationship was fine up to that point... unanswered questions just make everything more difficult to deal with. My best breakup was with the last guy I lived with - he decided he wanted to move away, and we agreed it was best for him to go alone because our relationship wasn't working. We talked about everything and agreed to remain friends. When he moved away we hugged and kissed on the cheek, and promised to stay in touch. I'm still in contact with some members of his family, he still calls and emails occasionally, and when he was passing through the area recently we met up for coffee as friends... all very amicable. I wish all breakups were like that!
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