marcsmolenski Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You guys are probably thinking I am crazy saying woooo because of the following story: Well my LDR SO brought it to my attention that I was smothering her and not just the lovey dovey smothering but what I was doing was making my world ALL around her. So consequently it was building my insecurity and dependency up even though I never had that before.. See I am 25 and I havent been in ANY kind of relationship since I was 19. So now I wanted to be single (read my other post) and life throws Talyah, who we both believe is my soulmate. We both play a game called WoW together and since I have been not giving each other a whole lot of alone time/space in general I constantly feel the need to talk to her and today she said she was mostly happy with US EXCEPT THAT! This was also something I have read which is unhealthy in a relationship (the constant need for attention and assurance of not just if they love me but will they talk back I.E) I am saying WOOO cause I am glad we had this talk so our relationship can GROW and we can actually move closer towards being together.. Mind you this has been an LDR from the start mainly online.. So I need your advice on what I should do.. What i do know is: 1. I need to recognize that I am independent and need to focus more on myself and my life 2. I need to let her be alone and live HER life without me always in it I.E whispering in game texting here and there all day. 3. This is really good advice because I dont want to choke our relationship with insecurity and needyness from not being an individual. I hope you guys know what I am talking about or can relate.. I am new to a meaningful relationship.. I DO want to pursue marriage with her.. And I think I can work on these issues because we love each other.. See what I think happened was that we are so much in love that it was kind of like a drug to me and always had to be around it. I was burying my face in it and neglecting just to enjoy life alone.. So I wasnt on the extreme of waiting by the phone to see if shes gonna call but I have to admit I would always wait for a reply when I could have easily just gone out and lived my life. I think I have too much time on my hands and I need to get busier... I think that is what IG would say to me. I really dont want to lose this one.. She is my angel and my life. And for the people that read we established a more concrete communication plan. I didnt really need more communication I needed my own life so she wasnt getting smothered by me! THANK YOU!!!!!! WOOOOOO for this revelation and its not too late!!!
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 So I wasnt on the extreme of waiting by the phone to see if shes gonna call but I have to admit I would always wait for a reply when I could have easily just gone out and lived my life. I think I have too much time on my hands and I need to get busier... I think that is what IG would say to me. You are right. You should have a LIFE that she is a PART of. This is healthy for you and for the relationship. She should be a part of it because you want her to be but not because you NEED her to be. Neediness is not attractive. I can not stress that enough. Being dependent upon another person for your happiness and well being is not attractive either. And for the people that read we established a more concrete communication plan. I didnt really need more communication I needed my own life so she wasnt getting smothered by me! So you need to go about having a LIFE. That means you do not plan things around your communication with her. If at times your life does not allow for that "regular" communication then that is the way it is. You just let her know you'll be unavailable at that time. My husband and I have established communication and put that as the first priority. BUT we were together close distance for a year and a half before going LD and now LD for over 6 years. In the beginning it would have been relationship suicide for either of us to be as we are now - and unlike each of us. We were both very independent and strong on our own when we met and dated. We have bonded together but make no mistake about it - if either of us felt the other was consistently disrespecting or mistreating that person there'd be a discussion and if not rectified it'd be over. You should have your own life and interests that she is a part of. That stimulates the relationship and helps conversation, etc. It is necessary.
Eclypse Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I've been down this road man. It ended badly. Whatever you do, before you profess your love and go down and see her you HAVE to see her on webcam, to see she is who she says she is. Make sure you get her to go on it before you go down to see her, and I'm being deathly serious about that. I went through something similar you did, but it lasted a lot less before I found out she wasn't who she said she was. Just take care.
Author marcsmolenski Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Yeah its been going okay for my first day of discipline. Today was my first day of really cutting back to the amount of time I spend giving her attention.. Ive been keeping myself relatively busy and I sent 2 texts and received 2 texts today so far and that was the only form of contact so far and I am planning to stay off WoW tonight just to discipline myself further... I need to be independent and learn how to balance my independence and sharing myself with her in some form. Eclypse please stick to the subject at hand... this thread is about me trying to tame myself so I can live an independent life while having her as a PART of it and not feel like I always need to talk to her because thats a form of insecurity and needyness. Any input is greatly appreciated.!
mammax3 Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 Good for you Marc, it is a challenge. Some strategies that also may be helpful is emailing yourself a note, but pretending it's for her. You still get to express yourself, but it's not in a smothering way since sometimes it's hard to sit on those love feelings without sharing them. If your phone saves texts, referring back to some previously sent texts is an idea if you are craving some contact from her. Maybe you already do these things
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