lostinlove9 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I know that sometimes when people tell me their relationship troubles, it always seems so black and white. I am sure my situation is the same, but I am looking for input anyhow. I am 25 years old, and have been married for 3 years, together with my husband for 8 years. I was a virgin when we married, have always wanted to be married to one person for life, and have worked really hard at my marriage. My husband and I are reasonably attractive, but both 5'5 and around 250 lbs... I always receive compliments on how I look, dress, have my hair/makeup, but I know I am not very pleasing to my hubby. Although, I do find him attractive. Our relationship has always been pretty rocky, we both have hot tempers. We argue. And, in the past, my husband has been physically abusive. We have both had issues growing up and this is part of our family histories. So, I have gone to therapy alone, and he has realized his actions and has been trying for quite a while to turn himself around for the better. My husband isn't really emotional, but I know he does love me, he tries working at our relationship and is a good man. Things have been pretty good for the past year or so. But, I do have some previous hurts. On a day to day basis, life is quite perfect... it is just those past blow ups that have hurt us both. At the end of January 2009, I was invited to be part of a bridal party for a close friend of mine. To celebrate her engagement, we met up with other members of the bridal party and their partners at a local bar. Including the bride and groom, there were 4 couples present. We sat directly across from another couple, and I realized right away there was something special about the male. I will call him T, his fiancee is D. They got engaged in December 2008. During dinner, I felt and instant connection with T. Our eyes met, we had commonalities, similar interests, lived in the same neighborhood, worked in the same neighborhood an hour from home, and even grew up quite close to each other hundreds of miles away. Our personalities are quite the same, we are flirty, outgoing, talkative, funny... generally, the life of the party. The bride had told me how similar I was to T previously, T was the grooms best friend. During the evening I felt a connection with T, I hardly talked to him but just listened and observed and felt something I had never felt in my life. When we parted for the night, I knew I had to leave right away, not make eye contact and not "linger" because I didn't want to pursue this connection. In my marriage, I had never before felt anything like this... or have ever really been interested in anyone outside of it. T was very attractive, fit, tall, very much opposite to my husband. D was like a Barbie doll, blonde, shapely, attractive... The perfect poster couple. Unlike my husband and I. The following day, at work, I told a close coworker about the chance meeting and what I felt and dismissed it until T added me as a "Facebook" friend. I added him as a friend online and never talked for about a month, until one day we struck up a conversation. We chatted online well into the night. The conversation was very innocent and interesting. The following day we had another conversation, and the next day another. This continued on for a couple of months until we eventually exchanged cell phone numbers for texting purposes. On occasion, our conversation got flirty. But, was usually very simple. We never saw each other again until April 2009, after talking this whole time. I was so nervous to see him... and already felt emotionally attached somehow. He listened to me. By this time, my hubby knew that we had been chatting and texting and he has always trusted me... and never had any jealousy issues, so he didn't mind. Since then, he has invited my hubby and I along with the other couple to BBQs at their home, and vise versa. At first, we weren't open about all the chatting, and now we are. We have all participated in "group" functions, outings, birthday parties, and wedding activities. No one seems to think anything of our friendship. In the meantime, our chatting has been hot and cold. Sometimes I never knew if he had any feelings for me like I had for him. I pictured a relationship with him eventually. Sometimes he and I flirted heavily, sometimes we would go days without talking. At these times, I would feel sad and lost. I did not know why he would be so interested and then uninterested. Eventually, I tried to ignore him because I wanted to be focused on my marriage. Then, this past weekend, June 2009, the wedding finally arrived. We hadn't spoken for about 2-3 weeks beforehand, I had just assumed everything between us was gone. I ignored him when he winked from the front of the church, in the recieving line, while I was signing the guest registry and even when both T and D came to our table to say 'hello'. I avoided eye contact. About two hours and a bottle of wine later, we eventually ended up talking at the bar again. He had told me that he had "been in trouble" with D about some of his "online activities" and that is why he had been "laying low" and not talking to me. Conversation very quickly got very flirty. And physical. During the wedding, we spent a good chunk of the night with our arms around each other. Dancing together, etc. Neither hubby nor D assumed anything because as I said, we are both similar, outgoing, flirty... At one point, he leaned forward and puckered up his lips and I did too. He leaned in and pecked me on the lips. More dancing ensued, more walking around with our arms around each other. Another peck on the lips happened on the dance floor... and strangely, no one noticed. We talked a bit... we expressed wanting to have sex. He called me pretty, saying I made him h***y. He would hug me and kiss me on the head and say that "sorry, he couldn't". But, the dancing continued... and the touching. The following day, we talked online about what had happened. He expressed that going forward this "couldn't happen again" and we needed to "forget about it" because this is how "things like this worked". He also expressed that he too felt a connection but that he had no intention of "going anywhere" because of his fiancee but that he still wanted to talk. This has left me very hurt and feeling lost. I have realized that in a very short time, I have developed immense feelings for him. Since he is quite a flirt, I sometimes feel that this may be his normal behaviour and that it is one sided. On the other hand, different things make me feel that he is my "soul mate". His current fiancee was actually the product of an affair that he previously had. He had previously lived with a partner for 5 years before leaving her for his fiancee who he has now been with for 3 years. He told me that being so similar, as we are, isn't always a good thing. And, that leading up to the cheating is sometimes better than actually cheating as he knows from experience. I wish I could just forget him but I can't. Everything I do and everywhere I go reminds me of him. When I think of him, I grin to myself. I feel like I am falling in love... And, I don't know what to do...
Athena Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Do YOU want to turn this emotional affair with T into a physical affair? Because I find it quite surprising that you managed to remain a virgin for five years with your current husband while dating, but seem (in a matter of months) to be willing and ready to have sex with T. Why is this? Does the fact that T is such a dish have anything to do with your desire to sleep with him? Does the fact that you catch his interest despite his engagement to a 'Barbie' make you feel special to him? You mention that you don't feel you are 'pleasing' to your own husband, yet here is a gorgeous man with a gorgeous woman making bedroom eyes at you? What do you want? -- with T, with your H?
hopesndreams Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 His current fiancee was actually the product of an affair that he previously had. He had previously lived with a partner for 5 years before leaving her for his fiancee who he has now been with for 3 years. Ding, Ding, Ding. This man, no matter how perfect you think he is, is only playing with your emotions and enjoying the attentions from you, a married woman. He has told you it will not progress further. He knows you are vulnerable and he is using you as his personal little toy to take out and play with when he feels like it. I have to wonder how many other little toys he may have in the his toy box and how many he has discarded. You are not happy in your marriage and yes, you have been working on it to improve it but you are also destroying it and carrying on in this fashion, you can lose your husband, lose your bit on the side to make life more interesting, and end up losing yourself, end up alone and broken. Nothing good will come out of this. Grin all you want now but you will have to face what is going on and tell your husband what you have been up to. Continue on with this, and he will find out about this, better to fess up now and start dealing with your issues. Stay far away from the man who is a user and a player and figure out why you allowed yourself to be used. I'd also give the heads up to his financee. She won't be surprised and in shock about it because she already knows what he is capable of...her relationship with him was all about lies and deceit...and still is.
Athena Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Ding, Ding, Ding. Yeah, that was gonna be my other 'theme' -- the Warning Signs, as you say, "Ding, Ding, Ding" -- 1) His current fiancee was actually the product of an affair that he previously had. He had previously lived with a partner for 5 years before leaving her for his fiancee who he has now been with for 3 years. 2) He had told me that he had "been in trouble" with D about some of his "online activities" and that is why he had been "laying low" and not talking to me. 3) Hugging, kissing, winking, chatting, texting, and saying she made him horny and he wanted her.... Three Big Dings! and he's Out!
Lyssa Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 He's a Ding Dong! Sorry. It could be that you're only interested in him cause of his physicality. Like you described, he's the opposite of your H and also, could be cause you're almost the same (you and T). Flirting can be fun but it's dangerous esp when you do not know how to control it.
MistyK Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 The trouble with having limited experience with other men is that sometimes it makes you wonder what you've missed. Is it possible that some of your interest in T is because you've only ever been with your H and curiousity about other men? Some people are drawn to affairs just because of the whole missed experiences thing. If you think that might be the case for you, maybe that's something to explore in therapy.....
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You have a man who has been loyal to you for 8 years and although he has made some mistakes you say he has been consistently working on himself and bettering your relationship. On the other hand you have a guy who your are flirting with and have knowingly fanned the flames of attraction for. This guy cheated on his ex and is obviously prepared to cheat on his current woman (whom he is engaged to). So he obviously does not care much about commitment (his or any one elses). So far he has no integrity, no morals, no regard for others feelings, and is extremely reckless (don't be so sure no one saw the two of you touching lips at that wedding! You just may be in the dark right now!). Yeah. He sounds like a prince among men. I can totally see why your smitten. This has everything to do with you feeling sexy and attractive - and your husband is the one that needs to be having you feeling that way. Since you are in therapy - talk about this and some ways you can approach your husband to address the problem.
Gamine Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Rather than focusing on the things about him that are wonderful, focus on the things that are inherently predatorial and mean spirited. Focus on the things that are ugly about him. See him for what he is. Imagine the worst possible outcome and make that your reality. Soon he will no longer be romanticized into something that by all accounts he is not. He uses women for his mental/sexual stimulation and you must understand that this is just 'what he does'. His fiance had issues with him concerning his online activities which implies he is doing a lot of this in chat rooms, etc... I'd run. You seem like a very nice person and I can understand why and how this has become addictive for you. But this man is not for you. I think he has user written all over him. Please stay away from him...
2sure Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You have been previously abused by your Husband. You are in therapy for this, he is not. You do not feel your Husband finds you attractive. This is a big problem in the marriage. You are vulnerable and clearly having a problem with your self worth and confidence. You say you know your husband loves you and you love him ...but you sound like you feel unloved. THIS is the problem. And the only real problem. The rest, this other guy, ... If you were not vulnerable, you would not feel this way about him. Here is the reality: He is a cheater. His fiancé caught him cheating on line and stopped that. She doesn't mind him chatting, flirting, and dancing with you because she is NOT threatened by his friendship with you. He doesn't hide it from her and to both of them it is just his flirting with someone who has a crush on him. She and he consider you no threat, so she doesn't care. She is being foolish of course for letting him do this....and both of them are wrong for it to continue because its clear you have feelings for him. Although he is a cheater, he has told you through words and actions he is not interested in this going further. I cant, I wont, etc. He just likes the attention. Its all you. And if you were not in a vulnerable position you would not feel like you needed this man and his attention. Attention, feeling attractive is nice - especially when you aren't getting it in your marriage. But if you were not in a vulnerable position - you would be insulted by this.
norajane Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 things make me feel that he is my "soul mate". Forget this man for a moment and consider this: if you were to describe a man who is your soul mate, would it include THIS kind of behavior: His current fiancee was actually the product of an affair that he previously had. He had previously lived with a partner for 5 years before leaving her for his fiancee who he has now been with for 3 years. He had told me that he had "been in trouble" with D about some of his "online activities" Yeah, I didn't think so. He is not your soul mate. He's a liar and a predator and he'll screw you over if you were to have an affair with him just like he's screwing his fiance over by so inappropriate with you. Do not for a second believe this flirting fiance will be there for you! He's just getting his ego stroked by you and enjoying the hard-on that gives him.
stillafool Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 He had told me that he had "been in trouble" with D about some of his "online activities" and that is why he had been "laying low" and not talking to me. Conversation very quickly got very flirty. And physical. This guy is the ultimate flirt and does this type of thing all the time, I'll bet ya! He isn't going to leave his fiancee because he has found the type of woman who will put up with his mess. During the wedding, we spent a good chunk of the night with our arms around each other. Dancing together, etc. Neither hubby nor D assumed anything because as I said, we are both similar, outgoing, flirty... At one point, he leaned forward and puckered up his lips and I did too. He leaned in and pecked me on the lips. More dancing ensued, more walking around with our arms around each other. Another peck on the lips happened on the dance floor... and strangely, no one noticed. We talked a bit... we expressed wanting to have sex. He called me pretty, saying I made him h***y. He would hug me and kiss me on the head and say that "sorry, he couldn't". But, the dancing continued... and the touching. The fact that he would do this with his fiancee present is so disrepectful. I would have left the wedding if I were her. She obviously doesn't view you as a threat or she is just stupid! This has left me very hurt and feeling lost. I have realized that in a very short time, I have developed immense feelings for him. Since he is quite a flirt, I sometimes feel that this may be his normal behaviour and that it is one sided. On the other hand, different things make me feel that he is my "soul mate". His current fiancee was actually the product of an affair that he previously had. He had previously lived with a partner for 5 years before leaving her for his fiancee who he has now been with for 3 years. He told me that being so similar, as we are, isn't always a good thing. And, that leading up to the cheating is sometimes better than actually cheating as he knows from experience. This guy is a "playboy" and yes this is his normal behavior. I don't know why you feel so "lost" when the two of you never really had anything. I think you are caught up in a fantasy because you don't receive the attention you need from your husband. You certainly won't get it from this other guy.
stillafool Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 [quote=Athena;2252751 Does the fact that T is such a dish have anything to do with your desire to sleep with him? Does the fact that you catch his interest despite his engagement to a 'Barbie' make you feel special to him? You mention that you don't feel you are 'pleasing' to your own husband, yet here is a gorgeous man with a gorgeous woman making bedroom eyes at you? Athena, I think you have hit the nail on the head with this thought.
Andy L Posted July 13, 2009 Posted July 13, 2009 Eventually, I tried to ignore him because I wanted to be focused on my marriage. I wish I could just forget him but I can't. Everything I do and everywhere I go reminds me of him. When I think of him, I grin to myself. I feel like I am falling in love... And, I don't know what to do... Keep on trying to forget him... Go back to focus on your own marriage (with MC also). Talk to your hubby about your emotional affair.. he needs to know for making his own changes and to be a better spouse to you. All the best:cool:
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 I feel like I am falling in love... And, I don't know what to do... Start having sex with him as soon as possible. Live through great moments of pure happiness and pleasure because everything will be buzzing and life will be much more colorful. Live through terrible moments of emotional crisis because of your guilt and shame and because you won't be able to stop the affair. This will last until either he finds another girl more interesting, or your husband finds out. After the big sob-fest you can come here again and post some more, but you'll be wise, bitter and sound like a broken record, constantly retelling your life's tragic story wherever you feel it's appropriate, like oh so many posters here. Oh, and I forgot the happy ending: After being alone for some time, you will finally find someone who is truly interesting to you and is single, and you'll live happily ever after. As will your husband. Yay, fireworks.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 This will last until either he finds another girl more interesting, or your husband finds out. After the big sob-fest you can come here again and post some more, but you'll be wise, bitter and sound like a broken record, constantly retelling your life's tragic story wherever you feel it's appropriate, like oh so many posters here. Wow...that's really nice. Does this mean you're joining us "bitter posters"? To the OP...if you want to end the marriage...do so. If you don't...then your only option is to go "NC" with this OM...you need to remove him from your life. The bottomline is that you can't have both.
utterer of lies Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Wow...that's really nice. Thanks for noticing. Does this mean you're joining us "bitter posters"? Well, I'm here, am I not? But I think I got the constant retelling thing in check...at least for the moment.
In_Repair Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Not to sound mean or anything, but I have a buddy who plays this dirty little game, and you sound like one of his prime targets. He is a reasonably attractive man and he has a hot wife. He openly flirts with women that his wife would never consider a threat. She does not get mad and just chalks it up as him being a "big flirt". What he is really doing is hoping that you feel like you just hit the lottery and landed a boy-toy who would normally be out of your league, then you throw common sense to the wind and fall for him. He gets a huge ego boost, and then he gets to go home and screw his knockout wife. Take that with a grain of salt - I may be completely off base here... but it does sound familiar. Right down to the troubled good guy act where he avoids sleeping with you or getting too intimate by saying that he just can't bring himself to hurt his wife in that way. He doesn't sleep with the women, he's not stupid enough to risk the hot wife walking out on him, he just turns the women's lives upside down while he gets to feel like a stud.
Owl Posted July 14, 2009 Posted July 14, 2009 Thanks for noticing. Well, I'm here, am I not? But I think I got the constant retelling thing in check...at least for the moment. Well, you'll find that the "constant retelling" is typically to accomplish one of two goals. Either it's relevent to the person you're offering advice to, and you're showing what to do (or what not to do)...or you're demonstrating your "credentials" to offer the advice you're giving. You seem 'angry' about the retelling/other posters...is there a reason for this?
utterer of lies Posted July 15, 2009 Posted July 15, 2009 You seem 'angry' about the retelling/other posters...is there a reason for this? Haha, no, I'm not angry. How did you get that impression?
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