araven Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I wasn't sure where to put this because technicaly I'm not in a relationship, but I've been talking to a guy online for awhile now. We've become pretty close, and we do love each other but because we live so far away from each other, I've told him that it's best that we aren't in a relationship right now. We videochat a lot and I used to enjoy it a lot, but lately it seems like he never talks to me anymore. He'll be surfing the web and I'll try talking to him, but I get tired of keeping the conversation going. I don't expect us to be talking the whole time - I understand lulls in the conversation are normal- but on the other hand, I don't like sitting and staring at him the whole time. The part that's starting to bother me is that when I talk about sex, I all of a sudden get a lot more attention from him. I don't mind talking about sex. I'm the one that brings it up more often, but I want to be able to talk to him about something besides that too. I just want to know how to handle this. Should I talk to him about it, and tell him how I feel? Or should I just leave and do something else whenever I get bored? I'd just leave because I hate feeling like a control freak and have to say something like, 'hey i want more attention from you.' On the other hand, I do like spending time with him and I assume he does like talking to me or he wouldn't spend so much time videochatting with me. If I just leave, he might think I don't really like spending time with him. But I feel bad talking to him about it because I'm not his girlfriend and I always tell him that he has no obligation towards me.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I think you have made yourself way too available especially to a man that isn't even exclusive at this point. He doesn't value the time or want to explore communication because he gets as much as he wants whenever he wants. And OF COURSE when you talk about sex he perks up. They ALL do sweetheart. It appears you have made him the center of your world without reason for doing so (and honestly you should never do so because a man should just be part of your life not all of it). You need to do some other things and be busy. And I don't mean pretend to be busy but actually BE busy. You need other interests and time spent elsewhere. You will have a fuller life, more to talk about, and he should perk up because you have the ability to find someone else. If he doesn't you'll know soon enough and you'll already have a life going on so you won't lose your world by breaking it off with him.
Author araven Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I think you have made yourself way too available especially to a man that isn't even exclusive at this point. He doesn't value the time or want to explore communication because he gets as much as he wants whenever he wants. And OF COURSE when you talk about sex he perks up. They ALL do sweetheart. It appears you have made him the center of your world without reason for doing so (and honestly you should never do so because a man should just be part of your life not all of it). You need to do some other things and be busy. And I don't mean pretend to be busy but actually BE busy. You need other interests and time spent elsewhere. You will have a fuller life, more to talk about, and he should perk up because you have the ability to find someone else. If he doesn't you'll know soon enough and you'll already have a life going on so you won't lose your world by breaking it off with him. Thanks for the reply. I honestly don't believe I've made him the center of my world. I do have other hobbies and interests that I spend time on, and other people that I hang out with. That's why in my post I asked if I should just talk to him about it, or just go on to do other things. I could just go on to do other things, but I guess I'm a little concerned that he might get the idea that I don't enjoy spending time with him, which isn't true. Also, he has asked me to be exclusive with him, to which I said no. And by saying no, I'm perfectly aware that he'll probably find someone else someday, and I'll be happy for him. It's just an odd position that I find myself in, because usually I'm the one that talks about the sex, and he talks about the emotions and feelings aspect of it, and now I find myself wanting to talk about my feelings, and it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not used to having to do this. All my previous relationships have been with women, so I've never had to bring this stuff up because they usually did first.
boogieboy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You should use the opportunities to talk to him to get used to talking about your feelings, so you dont feel so uncomfortable. Then when you quickly land a man that LIVES NEAR YOU..... you wont have problems bringing up your feelings.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 If you are spending time video chatting and there is no conversation - you are trying to keep the conversation going while he is just surfing, etc. then you are on too much. He isn't engaging you in any conversation and you find yourself doing the initiating about everything including sex. That is a mistake in any relationship. Just because you get busy doesn't mean you aren't interested. If he notices and says something then you can give a bit more time. But he is taking time with you for granted right now. Whether that is because you said you won't be exclusive and he is detaching from you as a result or he is just getting bored with sitting there all the time - I don't know. If you feel you can approach the subject and get straight answers then go for it. -- I wouldn't. But if you get all the right answers and the behavior continues you are just going to have to take a step back or end it. When he talks about his feelings, etc. don't you share as well? That would be his initiating it... And if he did before but doesn't now - and now you do - then you are just going to have to bite the bullet and do it. I think you are saying it makes you feel uncomfortable because you feel vulnerable to put yourself out there but you'd be surprised at the trust and intimacy that can be developed by doing just a bit of that.
Author araven Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Whether that is because you said you won't be exclusive and he is detaching from you as a result or he is just getting bored with sitting there all the time - I don't know. If you feel you can approach the subject and get straight answers then go for it. -- I wouldn't. But if you get all the right answers and the behavior continues you are just going to have to take a step back or end it. When he talks about his feelings, etc. don't you share as well? That would be his initiating it... And if he did before but doesn't now - and now you do - then you are just going to have to bite the bullet and do it. I think you are saying it makes you feel uncomfortable because you feel vulnerable to put yourself out there but you'd be surprised at the trust and intimacy that can be developed by doing just a bit of that. Yes, I have been trying to share more about my feelings lately. It's not something that comes natural to me, but I have been making more of an effort. I do think that if I talked to him about it, I would get straight answers. I guess what makes me feel uncomfortable about it is that I don't want to demand anything from him. Our agreement is that we'll continue what we have (whatever it is) as long as both of us enjoy it or until one of us finds someone else (he actually went against our agreement and asked me to be his girlfriend). Problem is, I'm starting not to enjoy it so much because he doesn't talk to me anymore. If he's not enjoying it so much anymore, we could just go our separate ways I guess. But for as long as he's happy having me around, then I do want to be around. Also, I guess you are right about making myself too available. We used to only talk on the weekends because we'd be too busy during the weekdays. He's on vacation right now though so we have been talking every day.
Island Girl Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Our agreement is that we'll continue what we have (whatever it is) as long as both of us enjoy it or until one of us finds someone else (he actually went against our agreement and asked me to be his girlfriend). Problem is, I'm starting not to enjoy it so much because he doesn't talk to me anymore. If he's not enjoying it so much anymore, we could just go our separate ways I guess. But for as long as he's happy having me around, then I do want to be around. The agreement is that you continue as long as BOTH of you enjoy it and you say you aren't enjoying it anymore. So you need to make a decision for yourself. If he wants to be in it but you don't enjoy it then it should end. That is the same in ANY relationship.
Author araven Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I talked to him about it last night, and it was a lot easier than expected. He immediately apologized and said he'd try harder to talk to me about other stuff. We also got to talk more about our expectations from each other, so that was good. I'll guess we'll see what happens next.
Author araven Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 So the heavy sex talk has stopped which is nice, but we still don't talk about a lot. The other day when I was talking to him about the situation, he said he felt like he isn't an interesting person. I know he's not very talkative, but he did seem more talkative in the beginning. I just feel frustrated at times because I feel like I try to come up with something to talk about and he doesn't really try to have a conversation with me. It's also difficult because I'm actually not very talkative either.
Author araven Posted July 4, 2009 Author Posted July 4, 2009 I have thought about that. We did in the beginning, but things seem harder to talk about now. I think a part of the problem is that he thinks he's not interesting. So when I try to ask him about his day, he doesn't say much. Ah well...
Faded Posted July 6, 2009 Posted July 6, 2009 And OF COURSE when you talk about sex he perks up. They ALL do sweetheart. Sex is always the answer, it's never the question.. *sings to self* Sorry, I'm useless. But this reminded me of an awesome song. /goes back to lurking.
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