Nemoralis Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and everything seems golden. I didn't know that being in a relationship could be this rewarding or easy. We've had one major "blip" which we both moved pass with ease, but other than that it's been smooth sailing. However we are young (19, 21) and still in our honeymoon phase. I know it's not always peaches and cream. For those of you who have been in long term relationships that have ENDED, what caused them to end? Hindsight is 20/20 of course. What were the red flags you wish you'd seen earlier? I'm fascinated as to why long term relationships end. What subtle signs could you have seen in the beginning that might have pointed to a break up later?
stepka Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Describe that "blip" and I could tell you more. The main things to look for as far as red flags though are any values that clash w/ yours. The person doesn't have to be wrong, but as a fer instance--their money habits could be a lot different from yours. Suppose you're a bit of a tightwad and your partner spends money freely, or worse, can't control themself w/ a credit card. Neither one of you is wrong exactly, but that could turn into a major battle in a marriage. Look at all the major values that you two hold and see how similar you are on things. Do you 2 have a lot in common? That's an obvious question, but in the beginning of the relationship and with all that chemistry shooting off, you will be smoothing over any little inconsistencies. Don't get married yet! Wait at least 2 years. One thing that I had trouble with all thru my 23 year marriage was that my husband never could give a compliment--at all, at all. At first it bothered me a little, but by the end of the marriage, it bothered me a lot. That's not what broke us up, but it was certainly putting a strain on us. I needed to be affirmed sometimes that I was still attractive to him or that what I spent so much time cooking for dinner was good or whatever, but he would never tell me anything I wanted to hear. Then a friend brought over some soup she had made, and he went on and on about how great it was, even after she left--I was ready to bang him over the head w/ a frying pan. Or he would go into rhapsodies about how great the food was when he cooked it. That sort of blew his claim that he didn't know how to give a compliment. Well I didn't mean to go into such detail about that, but it does go to show how a little lack in the beginning of the relationship can turn into a major issue further down the line. And in case you're wondering--yes, I did make him aware of my feelings about that, and it didn't help. Now, was he wrong? Well maybe, but maybe it was just his personality type. Was I wrong? Maybe, but maybe I just really needed something he couldn't give. Another partner for him might not give a hoot about compliments. As for the ultimate red flag--the fact that he was gay, and the thing that broke us up in the end--I never saw that one coming. It hit me right between the eyes.
WhyMe1980 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I think the last poster nailed it about the little things. I met my future husband at about your age. Here are some of the things I see in hindsight. The primary reason I didn't know they were true red flags was because I had never sat down and had an honest talk with myself to figure out what I could sacrifice in my life and what I could not. So here goes: 1. He hates traveling. Won't drive or pick me up from the airport. (I work for an airline). 2. Puts many things off until the future. We can do that when we are retired. Work, work, work now. I do not want to regret my time on this earth now or tomorrow. Basically I could get sick tomorrow and then what have I done with my life? 3. Kids and family life. My husband was dead set against any woman staying home with children or anyone not working for any reason. I chose to change careers and took a pay cut. Couldn't take the disappointment and fights. 4. Physical affection. Husband hates to kiss and make out. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am stuff for him only. Couldn't change him no matter what. 5. Forgot to tell me how beautiful I was or how lovely I looked in a particular dress, etc. Heart wrenching after years of zero compliments (see comment above from previous poster). I too addressed all of these directly to no avail. Collectively it became more than either of us could handle and the fights just kept coming with no end in sight. I'm in a new relationship (3 months) and everything seems golden. I didn't know that being in a relationship could be this rewarding or easy. We've had one major "blip" which we both moved pass with ease, but other than that it's been smooth sailing. However we are young (19, 21) and still in our honeymoon phase. I know it's not always peaches and cream. For those of you who have been in long term relationships that have ENDED, what caused them to end? Hindsight is 20/20 of course. What were the red flags you wish you'd seen earlier? I'm fascinated as to why long term relationships end. What subtle signs could you have seen in the beginning that might have pointed to a break up later?
tanbark813 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 There are lots of threads on here about red flags that you can read through. I'd say one of the most common is when things just don't add up. Anytime someone says one thing and does another, or their actions don't mesh with their words, that's a bad sign.
carhill Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I'm fascinated as to why long term relationships end. What subtle signs could you have seen in the beginning that might have pointed to a break up later? The annoyances that the glow of sex fogs over would be a good start. That's a common issue when people sexualize the relationship early, as is the norm now. The endorphins from sex put a soft-focus lens on the realities of the relationship, including compatibility. Take a hard look at whether your emotional/intellectual/communication styles are compatible. In the long run, being able to return to that common ground is the basis for working together in a LTR.
Author Nemoralis Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 Stepka, could you please explain more about finding out your husband was gay? There were NO signs you could have picked up on? What was the sex like with him? I ask because my guy is somewhat metro, we go to a gay club, and all his friends are gay. A lot of people think he is gay at first. I don't think he is, but I figured I'd ask anyway. lol
stepka Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Hi Nemoralis, There were no signs that I can think of--at least nothing that couldn't be explained by something else. Until the last few weeks before the bomb was dropped, sex was regular and frequent, but a bit blah. Like the same position every time and he was passive in bed--not uncommon I think. It was only after I found out that I would think, "Oh no wonder you did this or that." I never caught him peeking at other men though--nothing so obvious as that.
lora22 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Ha, there are so many; it's extremely subjective though. It really depends on the relationship and the individuals involved. For example, in one of my past relationships with a cheater, I can now think of all kinds of red flags for that behavior - in this case, they seem to be pretty general across the board what those signs are (there's all kinds of threads here and other info on the web and elsewhere so no need to elaborate I think). I can also now pick out red flags for controlling behavior, neediness, low self-esteem, emotional abuse, etc., etc. These are fairly across the board also. However, I don't think there are always "red flags" or signs that someone's going to misbehave or has an undesirable characteristic. For example, my last LTR was fantastic and amazing in every way - really loved the guy, we got on great, he brought out the best in me, he had so many incredible characteristics...but it ended because he lied to me and I thought there was a possibility that he cheated on me (at this point I don't think he did cheat, but obviously the lying undermined my trust in him, etc.). He lied, we talked about, he lied again about the same thing...it happened several times. So now, after the fact, I could say, well he liked a lot of attention, hated drama, and he was "friends" with his ex even though he knew she was still into him - those must be red flags. But really, they're not. Lots of people like attention, lots of people hate drama, and lots of people are friends with their exes. Like the first poster mentioned, it's really about how the little things add up and contribute to the overall picture.
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