Author WhyMe1980 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Posted July 11, 2009 wow! i am glad i found you guys. i don't think i've ever had a talk like this with anyone but certainly not as a collective. BTW - i am concerned about STDs, getting my heart broken by someone who is shopping all over town and being used for free plane tickets and other perks from my job. so an update: i checked today again and he had logged in again within 24 hours. i have no idea what that means. BBD quote from the start of the thread is probably the worst case scenario but that doesn't mean it ain't true. i guess things are progressing. his son (who lives with him 1/2 time) went to stay with his grandmother for 3 weeks. we spent a good deal of time together during those 3 weeks. he texts me about a dozen times a day. we eat dinner together and lunch when we both can get out of work. i stay over some. so this is what has happened. 1. he got me a parking spot at his condo so i can come over any time i feel like it and not worry about parking. 2. he made space in a drawer for me in case i wanted to leave a change of clothes. (i get dressed up for work and he lives near my work so when i come over, i can change into some casual clothes). 3. he is away this weekend picking up his son. when he called earlier tonight he told me to use his apartment to get my laundry done, watch movies or whatever. he has a much nicer place then mine including a full size washer dryer in the condo instead of my apartment complex. (i have access to a lockbox with a key at his place). 4. he texts me good morning every day. he texts me good night every night. he tells me he misses me. 5. told me he was going to go get a haircut (he grew his hair out for locks of love). they left it kind of mangled after taking their chop. i told him not to cut it really short so he invited me to go with him to his barber to tell her how to cut it. 6. his doorman knew who i was when i came to visit and walked me to his place on his break. seems unlikely there are other women coming by in that case. 7. he did refer to me as his girlfried a handful of times. he also talks about when i meet his family (they live far away) how that will go. so, being a naive little girl when it comes to this dating stuff in a new age, this seems pretty good. we have had some serious conversations mostly around his son. i told him under no circumstances would i be staying there at night when he has custody. the kid is 13 and needs his dad. not be in the middle of awkward teenage hormone crap. but the reality is he talks to a lot of women. he is a school teacher and a bit of a girl's best guy friend type. he is a giver, listener, talker type. he also lost a child with his ex-wife (cause of the divorce to be sure). i am guessing he might be a bit more cautious than your average bloke. and this is ultimately the reason i did not have the talk with him in any kind of official way because i did not want to spook him or pressure him to be anything he is not. but at the end of the day after reading all of these amazing posts on the topic it is clear that since i care, i need to talk to him about it and tell him. i am not worried about cows and milk exactly but i don't want any diseases and i don't want to fall for this guy hard if he is playing the field. i don't want a broken heart when he thinks it is all casual and i don't. it is complicated i know. i am not going to be pushy but i am going to insist that he not be sleeping with anyone else. if he wants to stay on match he can but he needs to know i know and that he will lose me if he continues to be unable to commit. it has only been 6 weeks LOL. he has been dating for the past 4-5 years since his divorce. he said some of those relationships ended badly, some didn't. he got dumped and he did some dumping. don't know much more than that.
rod_in_gtown Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 definitely sounds like things are progressing positively. I wouldn't think he would open his life that much if he was just playing the field. I wish I could say the same. I'm having a huge insecurity moment today and I'm trying to keep cool, but DAMN it's hard. Mine is also still active online and I haven't heard back from her. We've had some really good dates but it's been a very short time. I just have to be patient and wait for her... enough about me. I'm very happy for you I'm pulling for you here!
RA1 Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 He has told you he isn't seeing anyone else. And all the evidence in your last post seems to conform that as true. I don't know why you are even worrying about it. Is it just that he's been checking into match.com? Have you asked him about that? Maybe he checked in to see if you had been checking in?
Island Girl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 Why would he want to be exclusive when he's getting everything he wants without it? The exclusivity talk should happen naturally and always BEFORE you sleep with a guy. I agree with BobSacramento here. You should already know if he is seeing other people, wants to, or thinks he has the option to sleep with other people. Because if he IS then he puts your health at risk. Girlfriend, seriously...? If you are having sex with him then you should know him a hell of a lot better than you do. I wish you the best with attempting to have that discussion.
burningashes Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 TALK with him! You have every right to know whether he's sharing his body with other people or not. It's okay to want to be exclusive sexually and at the same time not relationship wise. Meaning that, it's okay to ask your guy not to sleep with people if he wants to see you casually, and vice versa (you have to be able to swallow the same pill too!). That's exactly what my boyfriend asked me before we became exclusive-exclusive. I didn't want to commit yet but at the same time, I didn't have to worry about him sleeping with other people and give him the same level of commitment towards that. Let him know of your expectations- it's great that you have standards and respect yourself enough to do that. If he can't live up to that or compromise with you in some way, you can decide from there. From what you've written, it sounds like he's pretty keen on being completely exclusive with you, so if I were you, I would just ask him to be completely exclusive with me
Author WhyMe1980 Posted July 12, 2009 Author Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks for all the kind words. So I had the talk with him tonight. Started off in a quick chat about the day and it ended on a call. I told him the truth. I had been talking to people about the dating scene (didn't tell him it was on this message board specifically LOL) and the rules, etc. When I mentioned the match.com thing he said he hadn't been on there in weeks. I told him to check it without logging in to see that he is flagged as having been active in 24 hours. He did and it now says 3 days. He was floored. He only remembered ignoring some winks via email but hadn't actually been to the site in weeks. I tended to believe him. I talked to him about the exclusive talk (roundabout way but it was working well on the match thing so kept that going). He asked me when did he have time to be seeing/talking to anyone else? (I had been with him on the phone, in person and online every day for 2 weeks.) Didn't think of it like that exactly so I guess it was kind of true. He would have to be sneaking her in for the 45 minutes between school and dinner. He really doesn't have time. And now his son is coming home tomorrow so there really will be no time. So, lastly I mentioned that "friends" talked often about Facebook and MySpace with the various exes and others posting to each other, etc. He thought that was funny. He pulled up his myspace page and read off all the postings on his page one by one. Yes, every single one was from a woman. 1/2 were family (sisters, cousins, mom) and the other half were married women from his circle of guy friends (basically wives, sisters, etc. of his ex-military buddies) & parents of his kid's friends. They are from the south where everyone is a honey, sugar or sweetheart. I didn't even ask him to do it but I by approaching him with the old "hey this is what friends are saying about dating and checking people out" angle it was benign and funny to hear his feedback. I told him he might want to change his privacy settings on MySpace specifically. (He is a teacher of HS students anyway. Which is another crazy story because when I said that he pointed me to his students myspace page where they talked about how coming to his after school program was the best part of their day. I almost cried). To which he replied why? He didn't care if some crazy women were reading his messages from his cousin's wife. He said a google search would turn up a dozen articles on his life story anyway. (Turned out to be true). Kind of made sense. Kind of happy with how the whole conversation turned out. I don't think a more forceful why did you log in? and are you shagging anyone else would have gone so well. Besides, he set his DVR to record my ball games and he bought me Push (movie, came out on DVD) and left it on the DVD player so I could come over and not be bored while he was away. Didn't know about it until he texted it to me today. I guess there are nice guys out there after all. A lot of assumptions on my part all the way through. I think once I found a way to talk to him about my anxiety without it being too in your face about it, I found the reassurance I was needing. So now I am going to relax and enjoy myself. There will be plenty of other things that will be coming down the pike to worry about for the future.
Island Girl Posted July 12, 2009 Posted July 12, 2009 I am so glad you talked to him and now you can feel more comfortable. Making room for clothes at his place lends itself to being exclusive as it is but now you know for sure. It sounds like as long as you keep communicating about what you are thinking and feeling he'll do the same. And that is the foundation of a lasting relationship. I hope things continue to go well for the two of you.
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