conehead Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Been with my bf for 6 months, known him for 6 months prior to that...and overall we get along really well. He is one of the sweetest men out there and I do love him. However, I'm not IN love with him. There are times when I feel kinda tired of him and want to break up with him because I don't think my feelings are that strong, but at the same time, the thought of breaking up with him really saddens me. I also wonder whether it's a GOOD thing that my feelings for him aren't that strong. I know with my ex bf, it was the exact opposite. My feelings with him were really strong, however they were so strong that it almost made me dysfunctional....I couldn't sleep or eat cuz all I could do was think about him, and worst thing was that if he did something that I didn't like but wasnt a big deal, I'd flip out at him. I cried over the stupidest thing. I guess I don't like to feel emotionally dependent on someone, and with my current bf I feel more comfortable and myself and overall happier. I do care about him deeply, and I wonder if it's ok even if I dont feel the crazy in love feelings with him.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 . I do care about him deeply, and I wonder if it's ok even if I dont feel the crazy in love feelings with him. As a guy, I don't think it's Ok. I'd rather be dumped so I can find someone who actually loves me. You should be able to love someone and not be crazy about it. I'm guessing that your young, so you don't know that yet. Side note... You need to figure out WHY you don't have those feelings for your current BF.
ratingsguy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 That's a tough call. I tend to think that if you're not head over heels (or haven't been) by this point, it's not meant to be. All of my previous girlfriends I had fallen hard for.... to the degree that you describe with your ex - think about them all the time, couldn't sleep, eat, focus, etc. (at least for a while anyway). Up until this past February, I had been single for 4 years and dated a lot during that time with the full intention of seeking a new relationship. I met a lot of nice women, and sometimes even went on 3rd and 4th dates, but never got to the head over heels point... or that point where you just "know". So while I could have continued to date some of these women, I knew if I wasn't going nutty about them, it wouldn't work out. I couldn't force myself to fall for someone... and there were times when I considered it. But I realized that it just had to happen on its own. I fell for my current girlfriend after the second date. That's when I "knew". And it just happened. Unlike all the other women I dated during that 4 year stretch, she's in my every thought. But that's just how I operate. Others may disagree.
boogieboy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Its not OK. If youre not in love with him, you might never be, and you should go find someone you will be in love with. Its not fair that he is in love with you and youre getting tired of him. Your complacency with him will get worse over time. There is a happy medium, you shouldnt settle. You shouldnt base your ability to love on 2 guys. Go out and find someone to be IN love with. You will probably be more cautious with your emotional dependence next time, so you wont have to worry about bieng dysfunctional.
Author conehead Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I dont know, i mean its so easy just to say to let him go, but I have a feeling a lot of people who dumped their SO cuz they thought they weren't in love with them enough came to regret it later. I guess its tough because he's a great guy, and I wonder how many people are in relationship similar to mine.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Been there, done that. It never works. I think there is a happy medium between crazy dysfunctional passion and bland peacefulness. I feel that I have gotten closer to that balance point with each relationship.
LovieDove24 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I agree completely with Ruby Slippers...find the happy medium. When you're young it tends to be the dysfunctional crazy passion because its your first time and that person becomes your new meaning of happiness. As you get older, oftentimes the opposite happens: you're so independently orientated you miss the opportunity for romance by blowing people off too soon. When you have found the happy medium between crazy passion and just-plain comfort, let us know. This doesn't seem to be it.
mortensorchid Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I've been there. Several years ago I had a bf who I was absolutely, positively in love with. But, he had never been in a long term relationship before (the longest before me lasting a whole 2 or 3 months), and he broke it off because he didn't know what to do with himself after the infatuation period had worn off. Then, I met another guy. He was everything that my old bf was not. We were together for two years long distance. I wasn't in love with him. We didn't have a passionate relationship. I figured that I will go for someone completely against the grain of who I had been with before, and that one can and does not have that kind of a passion when go for a "nice guy" who you will potentially get married. Well, he turned out to be anything but. If you don't feel it, then it's not right. I learned the hard way.
Author conehead Posted July 3, 2009 Author Posted July 3, 2009 Well, he turned out to be anything but. If you don't feel it, then it's not right. I learned the hard way. If you don't mind me asking, what DID he turn out to be? What happened?
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 You say your current guy was the 'sweetest guy'. Was your ex 'not so sweet'? If he wasn't sweet at all, then... allow me to ramble a bit, hopefully not too incoherently. I'm up a few hours before my 'want to be awake time'. I have found over the years that the most intense feelings I have had, have been for guys who leave me wanting more, while the ones who give me everything give me nice feelings but not quite as intense. I've heard the same comparison from OW who find that they are insane over MM who can't give them what they really need, but when they find a SG who does give them what they need - they nearly always are described as 'not as intense as what I feel with MM'. I wonder if the 'in love' you are wondering about is more a case of a relationship that is lacking, and the empty places are filled with the ever powerful false hope and wishful thinking. For some, when the ideal is just out of reach they will fight harder for it than when it actually in hand, and will often discard the ideal for yet another not-quite-fulfilling experience in which they can find themselves wildly chasing that 'out of reach' ideal. I don't know if that makes sense - but I guess if you borrow from an old fable: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, BUT... you want those two birds more than the one you have simply because they might turn out to be exactly what you are looking for. You seem to have an idea of what you want, aren't finding it with the current guy, and seemed to think you had it with the ex because you kept imagining that one day your ex could become the man you want (sometimes fantasy ideals that we affix to mates can be more alluring than the reality that we get with someone else, I guess.) Sorry if that makes little sense or isn't applicable. I'm not too sharp first thing in the morning.
ratingsguy Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I have found over the years that the most intense feelings I have had, have been for guys who leave me wanting more, while the ones who give me everything give me nice feelings but not quite as intense. I've heard the same comparison from OW who find that they are insane over MM who can't give them what they really need, but when they find a SG who does give them what they need - they nearly always are described as 'not as intense as what I feel with MM'. ... You seem to have an idea of what you want, aren't finding it with the current guy, and seemed to think you had it with the ex because you kept imagining that one day your ex could become the man you want (sometimes fantasy ideals that we affix to mates can be more alluring than the reality that we get with someone else, I guess.) That makes perfect sense, and I think you've nailed it. I hate to hear it though. For those of us who give our SO plenty of attention and treat them right, it makes us wonder. At least it makes me wonder... and a tad bit depressed.
torranceshipman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 You really need to end the R. You only have one life and how depressing to shut yourself off from meeting a true romantic match because you are scared of getting hurt by someone you're truly romantically stimulated by. It's a risk, of course, to really fall hard for someone, but you need to live and enjoy your life, not settle through the fear of being hurt. This R of yours sounds depressing and if I were you I'd end it - it's also more respectful to the guy to end it, given how you feel. Plus it is possible to find a guy that you are crazy for but who also treats you really well and makes you feel secure...I have friends who met the love of their life and are getting married and who are in this position so I know that it happens (-;
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I have found over the years that the most intense feelings I have had, have been for guys who leave me wanting more, while the ones who give me everything give me nice feelings but not quite as intense. I've heard the same comparison from OW who find that they are insane over MM who can't give them what they really need, but when they find a SG who does give them what they need - they nearly always are described as 'not as intense as what I feel with MM'. I wonder if the 'in love' you are wondering about is more a case of a relationship that is lacking, and the empty places are filled with the ever powerful false hope and wishful thinking. For some, when the ideal is just out of reach they will fight harder for it than when it actually in hand, and will often discard the ideal for yet another not-quite-fulfilling experience in which they can find themselves wildly chasing that 'out of reach' ideal. LB that is very well put. This is a fundamental truth that affects both men and women. Though women at a higher percentage. I've found that the more insecure a person is the more they tend to be susceptible to this However, what you say is indisputable fact for some people. This has to be the best post of the week! I'm going to pay more attention to you from now on LB!
Author conehead Posted July 6, 2009 Author Posted July 6, 2009 I agree that LB's post is a great post and while it does apply to many, it doesn't apply to my current situation. My ex was truly a sweet man from the beginning, and I ruined the relationship because of my intense feelings. For example, when he saw a pic of me when I was young and I looked really different (in a bad way)....he said after a decent pause, 'you still looked cute then'....and then out of my control I'd start tearing up and telling him 'if i turned ugly one day, you're just going to leave me!'....lol...like no kidding. He kept assuring me that is not the case, but because I felt so strongly for him, that everything he did impacted me ten-fold. I'd become emotional over the stupidest things. However, my current bf has done things to similar extent as my ex, and while I'd be temporarily pissed/annoyed, I'd let it slide eventually. I'm able to do that without uncontrollably breaking into tears. It's because I react more logically with him, whereas with my ex it was all so emotional. I guess its the heart vs the mind....my ex was the heart, whereas my current bf is of the mind. I guess eventhough part of me says I should end this R, I guess I'm not quite there yet. He is such a great guy, I suppose I'm scared to let him go...
mortensorchid Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 If you don't mind me asking, what DID he turn out to be? What happened? I don't mind your asking, Conehead. I have posted about this man before. He was a "nice guy" who was anything but. At the first meeting, he seemed alright, but he showed his true colors as anti-social, condescending, controlling and thought he was better than everyone else. He put a demand on me, saying that he would not consider it to be a permanent set up if I didn't loose weight and quit smoking. So one day, tired of hearing about his demands and thinking that I would take him up on the challenge, I decided to tell him to put his money where his mouth was. I had lost about 30 lbs (grand total would be 45 lbs), and I had quit smoking for 6-8 weeks. And he was furious with me! He said it took me too long to do it! Despite the fact this was perhaps one of the most ignorant statements I had ever heard out of a person (anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight and/or quit smoking can tell you), he then went on to tell me that he hated all of my friends, thought all of my interests were wastes of time (he had none, by the way, unless you count sleeping), and thought I was crazy. We had met, just for the record, at a band fan club meeting. He said only crazy people would do something like that. Remind him that HE HIMSELF was doing the exact same thing that I chose to do was of no consequence. And, he lied about something to me, I discovered while we were dating. It was well after the fact. And then he lied to an enormous group of people and was caught red handed. On the front page of a newspaper. Derive what you want from that story. I have no explanations for someone who lies, then broadcasts said lie on the front page of a newspaper for millions of people to read online. Didn't know he was going to get caught? I can't accept that. But it made me look at myself too. I just thought "This monster lied to me and everyone else! What ELSE did he lie about?! Was it all a lie since the beginning?!" It was a truly horrifying thought.
pandagirl Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 I I guess its the heart vs the mind....my ex was the heart, whereas my current bf is of the mind. I guess eventhough part of me says I should end this R, I guess I'm not quite there yet. He is such a great guy, I suppose I'm scared to let him go... Only you know what you want/need out of a relationship, but I will say this: Love has to do with the mind AND the heart. I think we forget how much our thoughts control our emotions. I've always wondered why some of my friends fall in love so easily, whereas for me, it's nearly impossible. My best friend -- who is married now -- fell in love with every boyfriend she's every had, but she is one of the most open and loving people I know! She was able to somehow love each guy in a different way, appreciating them for their individual qualities. As I've gotten older, I now realize it was ME who has been preventing myself from opening up my heart to fall in love. It's part of the reason I always went for unavailable men. Not saying this is your situation. But just something to think about!
The Blue Pill Posted July 7, 2009 Posted July 7, 2009 As a guy, don't string your BF around. If you're not interested in him then let him know, and break it off before you're 3 years into the relationship. For his sake at least.
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