Lishy Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 After reading a thread where everyone is talking about how best to run a family lets discuss how you run yours and how your parents ran theirs and why you made the decisions you made. Did you put your kids first? How did it affect your/their life? Did your put your wife/hubby first? How did it affect the family? How did your childhood reflect on how you managed your own home and how you parented ???????? would you change things if you could go back in time? Discuss..........
Lyssa Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Did you put your kids first? How did it affect your/their life? I don't have a child(ren) with my fiance - yet but he has 2 children (aged 4 and 7) from previous marriage. During the times we were dating, he has always put his children first which was understandable as my parents put us first above anything else, as do my brothers with their children so I didn't feel neglected or anything like that. Now that we are engaged, it is still the same and even I would put them first. The youngest is deaf and had gone through his first cochlear implant last year so he needs constant attention at the moment. As for now, I have yet to see anything negative in putting them first. It surely does not strain our relationship. Did your put your wife/hubby first? How did it affect the family? Right now, we keep it equal as we have not taken our vows. I was brought up in an environment where spouses come first. My late mother, aunts, married cousins - they all put their Hs first. So it does not affect our families in a negative way but when it comes to children, they come first. For us it's like this - children -> spouse -> family (parents, siblings). How did your childhood reflect on how you managed your own home and how you parented ???????? would you change things if you could go back in time? Whenever his children are staying with us, we both make decisions together on how to bring the kids up - he was the one that suggested that. I have yet to adopt them legally so I try not to step in as I feel that their mother and father have a say first in anything. I have a few ideas on how to bring my children up from watching/observing my parents. They have given us the best in life (my father continues to do so) and I strive to do the same for my children/future step-children.
GemmaPWM Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 For 25 years, I put my kids first. Bad idea! I would NOT recommend it. It made my kids feel like they came before our marriage and it made my dh feel like I didn't even love him. We completely turned that around 2 1/2 years ago. Now dh comes first, then kids come next. Everyone is happier this way!
GorillaTheater Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I put my wife first. Except when I'm being stupid. Just don't do like my mom did, when I was about 9 or 10. Out of the blue: "If we were on a raft, and I could only save either you or your dad, I'd save your dad." Could well have been true and maybe even justifiable on some level, but it was a hard thing to wrap my head around.
HsMomma Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I put my wife first. Except when I'm being stupid. Just don't do like my mom did, when I was about 9 or 10. Out of the blue: "If we were on a raft, and I could only save either you or your dad, I'd save your dad." Could well have been true and maybe even justifiable on some level, but it was a hard thing to wrap my head around. Gorilla, that's HORRIBLE!!!! I'm so sorry that was said to you...what an awful thing to have to carry around with you. If we were on a raft (my h, my daughter & me), I'd let them stay on & I'll go, thanks very much! As for the OP, when I remarried, my daughter & I were a package deal - as a single parent, I'd put her first for many years before my current husband & I got married. Before the wedding, we both sat down & talked to her about the changes that would occur when it was the 3 of us vs. just my daughter & me. We decided, as a family unit, that nobody would ever feel like they had to choose. I make time for both of them individually, and we make time for us a family. Works well for us!
Touche Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 This is the philosophy my H and I subscribe to in our family: http://books.google.com/books?id=8ewSHigiKNcC&pg=PA1&lpg=PA1&dq=rosemond+child+centered+family&source=bl&ots=hT2EcV6j1R&sig=kIeUbK9I6phmUMoqInzRDK8qxa0&hl=en&ei=sGVWSuj5FZultgeFn73FAg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=7 Hope the link works. Good stuff from John Rosemond.
Thaddeus Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I like this bit:The secret to raising a happy, successful child is to give more attention to your marriage than your child - a lot more, in fact.I happen to agree 100%. It's a rare woman - at least in my experience - that agrees with it, however.
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I'm genuinely curious here, not attacking. To those who will put your kids first, what is the purpose of the marriage? To obtain the kids (since kids > marriage)? Would you truly marry someone if you knew that the offspring that they would beget with you, would come first before you?
Touche Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I like this bit:I happen to agree 100%. It's a rare woman - at least in my experience - that agrees with it, however. Yep. My H and I are on the same page there.
Touche Posted July 9, 2009 Posted July 9, 2009 I put the kids first and he put himself first. And how did that work out?
Blackfrost Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 In my family, we do everything together as a family, and no one gets any more special treatment that anyone else. We are team that either succeeds together or fails together. It's the Irish clan mentality that I was brought up with: minus the alcoholism and physical abuse.
thegoodlife Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Don't have kids yet, but I can speak about the family dynamic I grew up in and how it has influenced my current views on family. When I was younger my mom and stepdad put their relationship first and it was great. Since I'm not my stepdad's biological child my mom was the main authoritarian and sort of set the rules, while he just followed her lead. It flowed well though. We had a fun, easy, effortless family life. Everything seemed balanced, in retrospect, and we all kind of knew 'our place'. When I was 10 they had their first of two sons together and I guess they never sat down and talked about what would happen when my stepdad stepped in and took a more active role in his children's life because to this very day they still fight about it. He thinks the kids needs to come first and after they are grown and gone it's their turn to focus on the marriage. My mom says there will be no marriage left at that point. Needless to say this constant battling over the issue for the past 13 years has really thrown our family dynamic all out of whack. My brothers seem to think they are the kings of the house and family, and after having spent so many years bowing down to them, it's not really working now when they're trying to reverse that. So, growing up experiencing two extremes of the family spectrum I know the way I want/need to run my family. Marriage first.
Touche Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Kids are healthy, happy, well adjusted young adults and he is somewhere looking for a new place to warm his penis. I'm glad your kids are doing well. Sorry about your H though. That's bound to affect the kids though, no? I like you view. I believe it is one that most collectivist cultures use. One for all, all for one. We are better together with each one's talents going to benefit us all. All the parts make the whole. Minus the alcoholism and abuse of course. Sounds very "new agey" to me. That would never work in our family. Our family is not a democracy. Kind of like LS. This is not a democracy yet it works somehow.
Blackfrost Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 I like you view. I believe it is one that most collectivist cultures use. One for all, all for one. We are better together with each one's talents going to benefit us all. All the parts make the whole. Minus the alcoholism and abuse of course. It's worked really well for my family for the last 10, so, we'll see how it works out when my oldest daughter hits her teens in a few more years. In my childhood, my brothers, myself, and my mom, never had a voice over anything in our lives - it was strictly my dad's voice. Upon analyzing that situation, I felt that family life could be so much more rewarding for everyone, if they felt like they were being heard and had a voice. Of course this method still occasionally requires executive mandate, when it spirals in all different directions
Author Lishy Posted July 10, 2009 Author Posted July 10, 2009 I think it is a fine line but ultimately the kids have to come first when they are young, no doubt about it! When they are adults then its a whole new ball game but your childs needs should outweigh your husbands needs, he is an adult and can do for himself! I am not talking about spoiling the child and letting them have their own way but if my husband needed shoes and my son needed shoes and only onepair could be bought, my son would get them every time! If my son demanded I sleep with him in his room and not my husband then I would tell my son no way! You just have to get the balance right and try to make both feel special and loved. It isnt that hard really!
Lyssa Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, I agree that when kids are still small then they should be put first but once they have reached the age where they can do pretty much everything on their own then the parent should put each other first.
boldjack Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 The key word here is family. Each child must be aware of his or her place in the group. They must be shown that they are an important piece of the family puzzle, no better or no worse, than every other piece, and like every piece, unique.
2sure Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 Blah. Having been single mom to my daughter prior to getting remarried... I put her needs first for years. I mean I had to - the needs were basic and I sometimes struggled to meet them. But I developed a habit I think, of then always putting her needs first until even her wants came first. So now. She is good kid at 13, but I feel she expects me to do too much for her. We recently addressed the whole family team thing and she has stepped up to the plate for the most part. She isnt spoiled....but I see she is frustrated when her "sense of entitlement" is not met. And that concerns me. H is great to her. After being together 4 years, she trusts him and loves him. But she still resents him on occasion. She is just now coming round to the fact that we are a team, but he is the captain.
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Posted July 10, 2009 She isnt spoiled....but I see she is frustrated when her "sense of entitlement" is not met. And that concerns me. This, I think, is key. By putting kids at the centre of the household, they DO tend to develop a sense of entitlement. The result is self-entitled grown-ups, and the world's got plenty of those. Now, obviously it's age-dependent. I don't think anyone is suggesting that infants be denied attention. But the strength of the family unit is based on the bond between mother and father. It all flows from that relationship. When the mom-dad bond is strong and kept that way through frequent and vigorous sexual intimacy, private time and trust, the family unit is kept strong. But when one of the partners has to constantly take second-place to the child, that will breed frustration and maybe even jealousy. It all starts with the relationship between mom & dad. Everything else - yes, EVERYTHING else - is secondary.
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