Amybeth Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 That's it - I would like to hear from those of you that have been on the edge of doing this for a while... What tipped it over for you to proceed? It also makes it harder when children are involved and you have been married for many years. Do you stay until they are older???
tojaz Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I would imagine it's different for everybody. Any details to share, another thread? TOJAZ
PWSX3 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 When you can walk away & say; I have done EVERYTHING I could have possibility done to save my marriage and not have that; what if question in the back of your mind.
Lisa616 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 I posted a few weeks back on my situation. Husband is a WAS although I caused it by being a total Bxxxtch and ruining a perfectly good marriage....asked him to leave, he did...want him to come back, he won't....in fact has not spoken to me since mid-February aside from text about kids. We have two....7 and 15 yrs old. He will not say what he wants even though I have asked repeatedly....he only says to my daughter and mom that he is still considering things and that people don't really change in a couple of months....doubts I've changed...can't blame him there. Anyway to answer your question, from my perspective......many times I have wanted this to just end....just say, "Fine, you want a divorce....I will give it to you." But then....I wait and ask myself if this is really what I want? And the answer is no. So I don't say it and I sit on my hands when I want to call or text him when those feelings overtake me. The feeling passes and I keep plugging away at fixing the things that I can...namely myself. I guess I am learning not to act on every emotion I have and just to ride it out and to have A LOT of patience. They say that you will know when you have had enough, but at least for me, I have to always give myself a 24 hour window before I do anything because I have acted off of emotions sometimes that lead me to do and say things I really don't mean or want. Sometimes, I am learning, you just have to sit on a decision for as long as it takes before you really can figure it out. Very hard to do sometimes, but probably worth it in the end. What is going on with you that you are thinking divorce?
DNU1 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 That's it - I would like to hear from those of you that have been on the edge of doing this for a while... What tipped it over for you to proceed? It also makes it harder when children are involved and you have been married for many years. Do you stay until they are older??? Edge of going to Plan D. Well, mine is a long story...I'll condence for you. Wife had two affairs ~15 years ago (DDay#1) when she was in medical school. I was very close to heading to Plan D back then. She confessed thw two affairs and came clean. Wanted to recover our marriage and work on things...and we did. It was good and I felt good about us. Had two DDs and continued to improve our relationship. No one is perfect, and I'm no where close. We moved around for her school, internship, residency, then finally for a full time attending job. It was good. Four years ago we moved back to our "home" to be closer to family and wife had a great job. We decided I would be a stay-at-home-dad. All seemed well until about a year ago. Finances got a little tight and I could sense something amiss in our relationship. Last fall I just had that gut feeling something wasn't right. Thought to myself "if there is another affair, I'm done..." But I really burried my head in the sand and didn't want to know...if you know what I mean. Wife got angry at me in early November for not holding up my end of the family obligation. So I hunkered down and really worked on things. Seemed to be going okay. Day after Christmas I discovered the affair (DDay#2) and was petrified. Thought long and hard about what I wanted to do. I really wanted to try and recover my marriage. Seemed like Wife did also. Her affair had ended around Thanksgiving (I had proof) and I wanted to do this for me. We worked on things. Seemed to be going well, but something still just not quite right. I really never worked so hard on anything in my life. It consumed me. And I know that my wife worked as best she could...it's just that there was another skeleton in her closet. In early May it happened again...DDay#3 (OM#4). This one was from two years ago. And with a co-worker whom she had contact with weekly since then. She said it was a one-time sex thing, then just bantering back and forth since then. Later told me they played kissy-face in lounge a few times. I'm still not completely sure what the whole truth is. I may never know. That was the dealbreaker for me. I had asked her repeatedly since December if there were ANY other men I needed to know about. She kept saying no. Two days before DDay #3 i specifically asked about him (OM#4). She looked me in the eye and said, "no, nothing with him, ever" (I'm paraphrasing of course). When I confronted her about him she continued to deny...and finally said they had indeed had an affair. I was heartbroken. Heartbroken that she had yet another affair, and that she lied to me over and over for the past five months. I looked deep inside my heart and knew that I could no longer be married to her. I could no longer trust her in any way shape or form. I had to do the right thing for me. I had to head to Plan D. The pain of DDays is horrible...but it's nothing like the pain of divorce. It's been a heartwrenching, gutwrenching, horrible experience. To love someone so hard for 20+ years...and then have to turn that off. She will always be the mother of our children. I will always have a special place in my heart for her... Divorce sucks worse than anything I've ever experienced. The dealbreaker for me was a combination of four OMs and repeated lies. Probably the lying was the most damaging. D.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 For us it wasn't that we tried everything possible to save our marriage, but more of the realization that if we kept trying and trying we were pretty sure we would end up in the same place.
FoolMeAgain Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 One of those tv guru's did a show on affairs and divorce yesterday. He said there is a time when you are to get a divorce. He warned not to do it before or after this event. (If you have kids) You divorce when the anger leaves you. When you are no longer pissed and hurt. When you look at your stbx and KNOW 'staying is unhealthy'. www.loveshack.org/forums/t190632/ After 2 years of 'being dragged thru the mud' I finally had 'the talk' tonight. I used my child as an excuse NOT to divorce. Stayin is unhealthy.
Recommended Posts