pjrobinson Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Hello, and thank you in advance for reading this.... I'm a 25 yr old female and my boyfriend of over 2 yrs is 35 and divorced. We both have 2 yr old daughters from our previous relationships. Reason I'm here is because I think I've enabled our relationship to be in a holding pattern. I am deeply in love with him and want our relationship to progress. We both live with our parents while we are picking up the pieces and becoming more financially stable. I would like for us to move in and also start doing stuff with our families and our kids together. Not too much to ask, right? He says he does love me, and wouldnt be with me unless he wanted a future with me, but does not seem to be in a rush for such progress. We see eachother twice a week, and he never asks me to do anything with his family (he claims it's because he's embarrassed of living with them) and he actually CANT incorporate his daughter in our plans because his ex put in their divorce agreement that she can't meet a significant other until she's three, which will be in August. I give this man the world. I compliment him, I tell him I love him, I do caring things for him, and he knows that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm starting to think that he has no incentive to move the relationship to the next stages because he knows he's already won me over and is already getting everything he could want. I feel like he has all the power. He was hurt very badly in his divorce, which I know does contribute to it as well. Part of me feels bad for him and wants to continue to be patient, and the other part feels that I've made this "too easy" for him and am coddling/doting too much. I have broken up with him twice due to lack of progress in the relationship. He's come back running to me twice, saying that he can give me what I want...things will be good for a month, when im still hesitant and "playing it cool" and then once he sees that I'm back to my loving, caring self, his efforts seem to go back down and the progress is once again, at a plateau. He is very respectful, honest, and I know cares about me. But he just holds me at arm's length and it's like he compartmentalizes me. There has been subtle progress over the last 6 months...he puts more effort into our dates and will tell me he loves me (only if I say it first, of course) but I can't help but feel that my forward behavior with him hasn't been helping us make progress...maybe I should step back and make him take the lead....maybe the old adage "make him chase you" is true? What should I do? Ahh! ****For sex and the city watchers, a good comparison of him and I are Carrie and Big.....well minus the money....LOL
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 (. . .) He says he does love me, and wouldnt be with me unless he wanted a future with me, but does not seem to be in a rush for such progress. We see eachother twice a week, and he never asks me to do anything with his family (he claims it's because he's embarrassed of living with them) ....Do I detect a note of scepticism...or impatience? (. . .) I give this man the world. I compliment him, I tell him I love him, I do caring things for him, and he knows that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm starting to think that he has no incentive to move the relationship to the next stages because he knows he's already won me over and is already getting everything he could want. I feel like he has all the power. Yes, but you've given it to him. You readily abdicated it through your selfless actions. But you failed to safeguard your own contentment. He was hurt very badly in his divorce, which I know does contribute to it as well. Part of me feels bad for him and wants to continue to be patient, and the other part feels that I've made this "too easy" for him and am coddling/doting too much. there it is right there. It's a love mingled with sympathy. Whilst it's ok to be understanding and sympathetic, you're 'enabling' his state of having been a victim, by perpetuating kindness to save his feelings from getting hurt again. You're compensating for the hurt he felt. That's all wrong, and you shouldn't have to do that. You didn't hurt him. He was hurt by someone else. That's for him to get over, because you're you, not 'someone else'. It's not your place to be gentle with him simply because of a bad experience. Life has knocks. He's a grown man, and wrapping him in cotton wool (however mildly) is doing neither of you any favours. I have broken up with him twice due to lack of progress in the relationship. He's come back running to me twice, saying that he can give me what I want...things will be good for a month, when im still hesitant and "playing it cool" and then once he sees that I'm back to my loving, caring self, his efforts seem to go back down and the progress is once again, at a plateau. Well, you keep giving in to him, you've told him exactly what he can expect from you, and what you'll put up with from him. A short, mild effort to 'change' and then back to his old ways. But that's ok. because you've told him that's ok. You keep giving in to him, see? Why is that? Sympathy again? He is very respectful, honest, and I know cares about me. But he just holds me at arm's length and it's like he compartmentalizes me. There has been subtle progress over the last 6 months...he puts more effort into our dates and will tell me he loves me (only if I say it first, of course) but I can't help but feel that my forward behavior with him hasn't been helping us make progress...maybe I should step back and make him take the lead....maybe the old adage "make him chase you" is true? Bit late for that, really, because your behaviour has become predictable. And you've already made him chase you every time you've taken him back, he's got you. And then, because he's got you, he becomes complacent. I appreciate he has good qualities, that's good. That's fine, I see that. But you sound as if you're making excuses for him because....well...it's not actually enough. Is it? What should I do? Ahh! 'Say what you mean - and mean what you say.' Now THAT is a good adage.... ****For sex and the city watchers, a good comparison of him and I are Carrie and Big.....well minus the money....LOL Sorry, never watch it. But I've seen this scenario too many times (here and elsewhere) to know it may well all end in tears... As the primary mover in your relationship - and I think that's what you are - you'll have to make a primary decision. And stick to it. Now - are you in? or - out?
Author pjrobinson Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I'm in.... I just need to recapture my dignity and attempt to go at this the right way and with a new attitude. If it doesnt work then hey, it doesnt work, and I will chaulk that up to experience. I will not chase him. I will let him take the lead. I will not give him any part of me that he hasn't previously given me or would give me. I will not give him all of me when I do not have all of him. I will not enable him or feel bad for him or make excuses for him. I will not continue to let him think that he has me wrapped around his finger. I need to reclaim the power that I once had in this relationship. I gave my heart away too easily to a man who thinks it's ok to feel bad for himself aka string a woman along. I will go at this with my new attitude and give it one last go. Maybe he's genuinely confused and/or not ready for the kind of relationship I want and it wont work. But maybe he will start looking at me with a newfound respect as I am respecting myself now, and he will learn some lessons along the way. Any additional tips/pointers/pearls of wisdom will be appreciated. This will be a tough time for me.
Author pjrobinson Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 I hate this already. I wasn't going to text him all day today and wait for him to text me, but I was so concerned (and possibly scared) that he wouldn't text me or would "figure out" my plan of making him take the lead so I finally texted him asking how his day was. He has plans with his brother tomorrow and then his daughter all weekend and I want for him so badly to ask if we can hang out tonight. I refuse to ask him. I will not ask him. It's so tough though because I've assumed the role of the one who makes the plans, and leads and takes initiative, etc. I don't want that anymore. I just want to text him "so we're not hanging out tonight, I guess." But I dont want to give him that power. I just have to put an end to this pattern and stay strong.
TaraMaiden Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Shoot. You know what? This is what 'cold turkey' must feel like. Changing a form of behaviour that's become such a habit, it hurts when it stops. That's a addiction, or a dependency. Do you see it? I hate to go all "Doctor Phil" on you, but I have to ask - What's your payoff? Your 'payoff' is something that 'rewards' you for staying and persevering, even though on the whole, it seems as though the resulting benefit is more 'minus' than 'plus'. The 'small plus' seems to counterbalance and cancel out the 'big minus'. What's your 'plus'? What's your 'payoff'? Find that. It's then easier to face your demons.
Author pjrobinson Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 I dont know why, but it feels like if I give up for the last time RIGHT NOW that I've failed. That it was ME that was the problem and that I didn't have what it takes to make a man I am very in love with commit to me. There. I said it. I think that's why I am so hell bent on trying us with a new, healthier attitude ....because it might actually give me some closure if it doesnt work; I'll be able to say that I tried everything to make it work. Plus I want to have the healthier attitude for me as well. It's so tough because we do love eachother. . . .hes just at a different point in the relationship than I am. I've kind of, in the past, pressured him to get on my level, and that didnt work. So now I'm trying to think of myself first and not be so doting/coddling. I have to think smart and guard MYSELF.... So much easier said than done. . . especially when he's got me by the heart strings. Things that go through my mind "Is he going to think I'm angry at him?", "Is he going to think that I don't love him anymore?", "Is he going to think there is someone else?", "Is he going to think I'm punishing him?" He's going to think by default "She's probably pissed at me, I've treated her well, she has no reason to be." I'm just done with talking to him about this. I'm done. Each time I talk to him it's "I wouldnt be with you if I didn't want a future." Of course he's not going to suggest "Maybe you should pull away from me a bit so 1) I get the taste of my own medicine 2) I have the opportunity to miss you, and 3) I have the opportunity to lead" So thats why I'm done talking. I'm going to give it time to improve, set a mental deadline and if there's been no progress, tell him that even though I love him, I'm looking for more in a relationship and we havent been progressing and should go our separate ways.
TaraMaiden Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 You haven't answered my question, but I think I get it. The problem is, you're taking 100% responsibility for his side of the problem. It takes two to make a relationship. As such, I see your input at 70% and his at 30% and you're taking the blame for his lack of input, and all the 'failings' you see as being your responsibility. That means, you're seriously overloaded. And you think that because everything has tipped to your side of the table, you need to support it. You don't. You have to first of all, see that for yourself, of course. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW HE THINKS, SPEAKS AND ACTS. The only person you need to answer for, is yourself. You're mentally and emotionally exhausted. NO wonder! You're bearing all the weight and shouldeing all the responsibility! Stop carrying him. Remove the props that enable him to pile it all onto you. You see - doing all this for him actually does him no favours. Because by enabling his behaviour in one way - you remove his independence and ability to function normally, in another. You're enabling him in one way - but weakening him in another way. Have you read this? Think about it. especially the Pillar bit.... See where there is a serious malfunction, here?
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