SoulSearch_CO Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I think I need to. My problem is that there's nothing MAJORLY wrong. There are just some incompatibilities and I don't feel a whole lot of passion, here. I feel guilty thinking of breaking up with him when he has been so nice to me. But the marriage I got out of last year - I was very passionate about that relationship. So I know what's out there. What I have with my current BF is a little...I dunno...vanilla, I guess. I just feel like the longer I stay, that I'm leading him on, or something. I'd have to say that what killed it for me (I DID used to feel stronger about him) was the constant jokes and/or comments about how he'll NEVER get married and he NEVER wants kids. These are both things that I'd eventually like out of life (although - granted, it'll probably be 5 years before I get serious about it again). I told him the message I was getting was, "I never want to marry YOU and I never want to have kids with YOU." He swears that's not what he means - he'd say he doesn't want marriage to ANYBODY. Now, the only reason the marriage thing has come up so many times is because he constantly brings it up...saying how much he DOESN'T want it. OK, I get it. I was willing to have a relationship with the guy, knowing there wasn't a chance of marriage. I really didn't care because as I said before - I'm not anxious for it anytime soon and I have fun with the guy. But the comments got really old. I finally got him to stop making comments about it, but I'm afraid the damage may have been done. He did an effective job of killing my attraction by pushing me away with his comments. I had a damn good reason to leave my marriage - he was a workaholic, a serial cheater and a liar. My BF before my XH was a jerk, too. This is the first genuine nice guy that I've had to break up with. I feel obligated, or something, to stay in this. Kinda like, "Well, he hasn't WRONGED me, so what am I throwing away by breaking up with him?" I know it's going to hurt him. I'm going to be hurt about losing a friend because I know he won't want a friendship after we break up. I do feel he was dishonest in the beginning about the whole marriage/kid issue. He lied on eHarmony about "possibly" wanting kids. I asked him why he had that on there if he really didn't and he said it was because when he had "No" to that question, he wasn't getting good matches. Um, hello? He also didn't seem so anti-marriage at the beginning, but the further we got in, the more the comments started to roll (which is why I started to take it personal). We've been together since January, started chatting at the tail-end of October. People, please don't jump all over me. I'm looking for some kind advice to help me out, here. I've never been in this position before and I'm baffled.
Trialbyfire Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 If you're certain you want out, better sooner, rather than leading him on. Maybe the kindest way to address it, is to admit that you're not feeling it for the long-term, that you see no future between you and while you were fine with this in the beginning, you've realized that this isn't what you really want. He may attempt to bargain, by suggesting there is a future, just one without marriage and kids. This is when you have to stand firm and say, it isn't going to work anymore.
butcher's hook Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You shouldn't feel guilty Soul, if he doesn't want a commitment then breaking up should be a breeze for him afterall he seems to think it is a joke to be with someone who does want those things... Honestly, you have plenty reasons not to be with him I really wouldn't feel bad. I don't like that he "jokes" with you about that too that seems a little insensitive and tacky. It's hard to breakup with a guy when he wants all things but you just aren't feeling the same way, in this case I think it should a peice of cake. I would just tell him where you stand why this cannot work long term, what's he going to do "change his profile" answer again? No go, this is real life!
mammax3 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 If you both know it's just for the current 'fun' of things, then there's not much wrong with staying in, IMO. However, if it's been killed for you, or you know you don't have it in you, then I say move on. Given that it's been over 6 months, I think he deserves some sort of explanation, and I'd be honest and tell him what you've told us. The trust component has been broken by the bait and switch as well as the seed of doubt has been planted in terms of whether it's personal or not. Good for you for not settling on Vanilla and knowing some Mocha Fudge Ripple with sprinkles is out there for you!
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Good for you for not settling on Vanilla and knowing some Mocha Fudge Ripple with sprinkles is out there for you! HAHA...awesome way of putting it. I think if I had experienced nothing but vanilla, I'd be okay. But I honestly feel like I'm ripping myself off...and him. He deserves somebody that is passionate about him and it's just not me.
burningashes Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 You should be honest with him. Tell him how you feel, that you aren't looking for a LTR with no kids/marriage, and this relationship isn't going to go where you want it to if that isn't what he wants one day. I would break up with him and look for someone else who wants the same thing I do. This guy sounds a bit immature, IMO- who would joke around like that? Anyone who likes, likes you would bring the topic up in a much more mature way. Go for the fudge ripple
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Well, I finally dropped the axe. It had to be done. I was waiting to see if there was a reason to STAY and decided there really isn't. He and I both agreed, it was bound to end at some point because of the incompatibilities. Neither of us wanted to do it, though, because we were having fun. I don't know - I think the guy is better off as a bachelor. The problems we ran into were because he's used to being alone and not caring or worrying about a single other human being on the planet. Which basically meant constant inconsideration to the fact that I existed. I didn't feel "special" at all to him - more like a piece of furniture. Hell, his snowmobiles were more special to him than I was. So, yeah - that's the end of it. It sucks because I'm going to miss him (although he did say he still considered me a friend) and hanging out with him (when we actually did get to see each other). I still know it was for the best and now I can have some "me" time. I know people on here claim a sabbatical and end up dating some guy in a couple weeks, but I can securely say that will not be happening with me. I work night shifts by myself and pretty much don't go anywhere. So zero opportunity to meet anybody and online dating sounds exhausting right now. So here I be, alone for awhile and figuring out exactly what I want out of life. If I end up in a relationship at some point, cool. If not, I don't really care.
Trialbyfire Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I'm sorry to hear this but you knew what you needed and he wasn't providing it. Sometimes these guys make better friends, than someone to have a romantic relationship with.
Author SoulSearch_CO Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I'm sorry to hear this but you knew what you needed and he wasn't providing it. Sometimes these guys make better friends, than someone to have a romantic relationship with. Thanks, TBF. We both knew we didn't belong in a relationship together. He even said to me that he was sorry that he held me back from what I wanted out of life eventually - a husband and children. I never guilted him about that, so it was genuine when he said that. Ah, well - that's life, right? I'm a little down about it, but not heartbroken. So at least that's a positive compared to my relationship prior to this one. We ended this on friendly terms and agreed it's for the best.
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