foxzilla Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I've read many Infidelity tales here, and I had been thinking of putting my down for a while but I had not been ready. Now taking some of the advice of other people I want to share my story...I guess in a way of closure. I had been dating my Fiancee for quite a while and we had been engaged for a year and half at the time everything seemed to fall around me. We had recently moved out to AZ (where I'm originally from) from PA to take care of my mother while she recovered from a stint at the hospital and a brutal separation from my father (Who was a functioning alcoholic/manic bipolar...oh yes, my childhood was fun...) We decided to stay for a while he got his education together so that he could become a Air traffic controller. ( I had had a few problems with our relationship prior to the incident. -He never cleaned up, he wouldn't cook for himself at all, he had a porn addiction and would never help me with bills...basically he was not an adult. I tried to explain that watching him porn was not an issue to me, just be honest about it, but he denied everything and said i was crazy to think all the porn on his computer was his....I don't know what I was thinking, mostly likely that he wouldn't be that way forever or that he would 'grow' out of it) He had become more and more distant and cruel to me, and I had no idea why. At times I would wake in the middle of the night to find him at his computer, clicking to hurry and close his screens when he would see me only saying he was reading up on his military news since he was in the national guard. I'm not the suspicious type so I let it go thinking if he was up to anything I would know. For several months it went on this way, no matter how hard I tried to make him happy. One night I went to Target and a local bookstore Changing Hands. On my way home He called me flipping out, yelling I was cheating on him. He called me a whore and liar and hung up on me. I had no idea what was going on. I have never cheated nor did I have any intention of doing so. When I returned home he continued freaking out on me til I started to cry. It wasn't until one day on my day off of work I logged onto my computer and he had left his Myspace open. There was tons of emails from a 18 year old girl and him about how they loved each other and how he thought of her every minute of the day. As I scrolled down in disbelief I read on to find their relationship had been come physical and how she wanted him to leave me and he wanted the same. I became enraged and stewed over it until deciding to confront him. I walked into the bedroom demanding her name, he denied like always but I kept pushing until he hung hes head and admitted he cheated on me. I was in shock and we didn't talk for a while after that. I later on told him to break it off and he conceited and supposedly broke up with her through email, but when I asked to see it he stated he deleted everything because he was ashamed. Fast forward two weeks into the whole snafu I went to check my Phone bill online and it was $60 over the usual. I checked his activity and he was still talking to her! When he fell sleep I checked his phone and found that he said he was getting ready to break it off with me and he he loved her so much. Fuming I confronted him the next night, He flipped out calling me a stupid cunt and a dumb annoying bitch. I was shocked at his response and told him to calm down or get out. He told me to give him back his phone or he'd take it from me. I told him everything was in my name anyways so he should just deal. Well, this is where he drew the line and snapped. He pulled out his Kbar (a very large knife) still in its holster and waived it around demanding his phone back. I wasn't that intimated seeing as I have two black belts and such but the fact he would pull a knife on me was scary in itself. He pulled the knife out and commenced to break everything in our house, while stabbing the walls. He confronted me with the knife and some how I ended up with the knife and I put the holster back on it yelling how he was acting crazy and I was going to call the cops. That really set him off and he attacked me, starting to choke me. As I said before I have two black belts, but when it came to me at 130 pounds at 5"7 and his 200 pounds at 6"0 I lost my leverage and he choked me unconscious. leaving bruises all over my neck (to this day I kick self for not calling the cops) He apologized profusely stating he couldn't believe he did that and he was so sorry and that he loved me, and he would break up with her. During this time in my life I had a lot of self worth issues and didn't think I was worth it, so l moved on and forgave...but I never forgot. We fought about it constantly, my inability to just act like it never happened and love him like before. He ended up attacking me again later on and a lot more violently, but this time my mom was there. She had me pack my things and leave. As I pulled out he punched my car and jumped on the hood, at that moment I realized I was dating my childhood issues and leaving was the right thing to do. All this abuse was so new and similar in a strange way. I had never loved my father but I had loved this man, I had never trusted my father; with his fits of alcoholic delusions and emotional and physical abuse. Bu I had trusted Him, even when I should have known better (He had been a heavy alcoholic in his teens) He broke a lot of my stuff and ditched me with a lot of bills but to this day I'm just happy to be rid of him, and I went into therapy to make sure I wouldn't do this to myself again. (I went back to med school and just focused on being happy) I just hope that 18 year old girl hes now living with doesn't have the same fate,or worse. --- I would like to say that I hope my story helped some one and that you take the advice on these forums to heart as I did. Its a long road to recovery and you need to make sure your not walking it alone. Treats those you love well, keep them close and focus on the good in them and yourself. Every day is new, make sure you take advantage of it. -Fox
jmargel Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 It's sad because usually women who had bad fathers either land in abusive relationships later in life or become abusive themselves. When there is no bond between father and daughter, it really puts alot of emotional challenges on the daughter that continues through her whole life. I should know, I was engaged to one years back, and now married to another who was abused by their father. All I can say for the men who are involved in relationships with a woman from a bad childhood is to learn patience, to set strict boundaries and to make sure they deal with their past issues otherwise you more often than not become their emotional punching bag (and a father figure to them, which is why they will rebel against you). Those women don't dare confront their abusive fathers, but they will towards the guy they are with (and not in a good way). It's so easy to throw your self-worth into neglect and rejection when you are a child and have a parent that is abusive. I'm not a psychologist but it's something that makes sense to me. When your own self-worth is so low you tend to gravitate to those behaviors that had tried to shape you when you were young. Thats why counseling is so important so you can break that cycle.
Owl Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I'm soo sorry to hear that you went through all of this. I'm glad to hear that you were strong enough to remove him from your life...abuse like this should never be tolerated by ANYONE. One thing I found interesting, and something that I don't think that a lot of people understand is how he was able to do all of this to you despite your two black belts. The thing is, even though you probably learned a lot of self-defense techniques, you were probably never taught to deal with violence. There's a ton of difference in learning in a clean dojo and trying to defend yourself from someone who truly does mean you harm. Its great that you have a 'support system' in your mother that you can turn to for help in dealing with everything...all of us need this. You post a great example of someone who successfully removed themselves from a bad situation.
HsMomma Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I should know, I was engaged to one years back, and now married to another who was abused by their father. All I can say for the men who are involved in relationships with a woman from a bad childhood is to learn patience, to set strict boundaries and to make sure they deal with their past issues otherwise you more often than not become their emotional punching bag (and a father figure to them, which is why they will rebel against you). Those women don't dare confront their abusive fathers, but they will towards the guy they are with (and not in a good way). It's so easy to throw your self-worth into neglect and rejection when you are a child and have a parent that is abusive. I'm not a psychologist but it's something that makes sense to me. When your own self-worth is so low you tend to gravitate to those behaviors that had tried to shape you when you were young. Thats why counseling is so important so you can break that cycle. These things may be true for a large number of women who came from abused backgrounds, but I can say from my own experience (father abused me from ages 8 to 12), I don't (and never did) need the man in my life to "set strict boundaries" for me. I've done that myself. After years of counseling, because yes, it DOES indeed affect you for years, I learned to stand on my OWN two feet, learned my OWN importance/worth & by the time I was ready to commit to a man in marriage, HE didn't have to worry about being patient, setting boundaries, etc. I've said it before: what happens to us in our childhoods when the power is all with the adults in our lives does NOT have to dictate who we are as adults. I refused (and will til I draw my last breath) to be a continual victim. Could I help what happened to me between those years of my childhood? No. Could I change it? No. Must I let it control me & all my future relationships? Oh, H*LL no!!! OP, I'm proud of you for getting out...now, continue to take care of you. YOU'RE the adult now - how you choose to handle the past is entirely up to you. You go, girl!
Author foxzilla Posted July 2, 2009 Author Posted July 2, 2009 All I can say for the men who are involved in relationships with a woman from a bad childhood is to learn patience, to set strict boundaries and to make sure they deal with their past issues otherwise you more often than not become their emotional punching bag (and a father figure to them, which is why they will rebel against you). Those women don't dare confront their abusive fathers, but they will towards the guy they are with (and not in a good way). Like HSmomma I didn't need some one to set boundaries me, I needed to set boundaries for myself. I had to learn the hard way that I was worth a loving relationship and that I shouldn't let myself be taken advantage of. I do agree that therapy is an very good option for children of a broken home. My ex's father was a truck driver and when he was away his mother cheated on him constantly, and as a child he grew up in a very chaotic home. (his sister was a severe drug addict, his parents were never there for him on top of his moms constant infidelity) but he refused therapy. I appreciate the support of everyone, thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
jmargel Posted July 2, 2009 Posted July 2, 2009 Now there's the difference. You got help and found a way to deal with your past problems and your ex didn't. When I talk about strict boundaries I meant when you are with someone who didn't goto counseling like my ex and my wife. Like you can imagine it can be extremely difficult to live with a person who in a way almost turns bi-polar. Not sure about your ex but what I've experienced with both of my relationships is the mood swings. From one extreme to another. They talk and act out on emotion, alot. For anyone out there who's reading this and just starting to date someone. Try to get as much info on their childhood as possible. It will give you an insight to what to expect from them.
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