End of the road for me

[Exit]

Well this will likely be the last thread from me about my current situation.

 

Quick recap for new people... she dumped me 2 months ago, I continued to pursue her, she kept doing strange little things that made me hope, but totally she finally sent a letter telling me to move on.

 

Her letter seemed totally bizarre to me. I haven't decided if I'll write back, but at this point even if I wanted to I wouldn't know how to respond to the strange things she wrote. Out of ALL the things that broke us apart (not going out often enough, arguing over little things, other stresses in life) the main body of the letter focused on one thing, "you never told me I was beautiful. You were attracted to me but there's millions of people to be attracted to, it's different to be beautiful to someone. You didn't appreciate me". This is the first time I've heard any of this and again it's so strange considering I thought there'd be 10 other things she'd want to talk about first. I practically worshipped this girl, and I find it hard to believe I never told her she was beautiful, perhaps I never told her using that EXACT word, but I was crazy about her and I made that crystal clear. I showed my appreciation for her in my own ways, gave her everything I possibly could, helped her any way I could even though I was unemployed and should have been looking out for myself. Of course, all she had to do was come to me during the relationship and communicate this to me. But she's too proud. She's the type of person who thinks "if I have to ask you for what I want, then it doesn't mean anything". And sure, we all feel that way some times. But if it bothered her that much, she could have said "hey I know you do a lot for me but in some ways I still don't feel appreciated". Too bad that it wasn't worth it to her to tell me any of this.

 

This week I had been bugging her about when she was gunna write to me, so in the letter she said "I never PROMISED to write you back". Ok??? You sent me a text that said "I'll send you a message later this week". No you didn't say PROMISE, nor did you say "I might". You made a statement that you'd do something, and decent people stick to their word. So sorry that after 10 days I called you to ask if you were still going to, or if I was waiting for a letter that was never going to come.

 

But anyways, to cut to the chase, her letter just struck me such the wrong way that I think I'm done. I don't know what planet she's on that she can actually justify these things in her mind. She left a 4 year relationship to be with me, and after the fact I found out that that guy treated her like a princess for the duration of their relationship, but apprently he didn't fit her standards of "appreciation" either since she left him in the dust to be with me.

 

Although I didn't "steal" her from him, (I made sure she told him before we started seeing each other), I still feel like this is a little bit of karma coming back to me. Or maybe it's not even that mystical, maybe it's just cut-and-dry "I dated a girl who dropped a 4 year relationship like a bad habbit, what did I expect would happen to me".

 

I know I did things wrong in the relationship, but I refuse to sell myself short. I truly think this girl has some problems that she needs to confront, or she will never find happiness.

 

I tried telling her, love is not about perfection. All you can ask is that your partner is constantly STRIVING to be perfect for you. Nobody will ever achieve that, but as long as you try, that's love.

 

As long as she's too proud to communicate, as long as she keeps looking for the guy who is perfect right out of the box instead of putting some effort into the relationship, I will just be one of many in the trail of men she leaves behind her.

 

Maybe I'll write back. Maybe I won't. I know the NCers will tell me to leave it. And I'm leaning that way now. I see no point in defending myself or reasoning with her anymore. She cannot be reached.

 

Cheers to anyone else hurting tonight....

[NopeNah]

Good to see you're getting some closure. It's a bitch but, it will help you move on much faster. Goodluck to ya!

[Lyssa]

Quick recap for new people... she dumped me 2 months ago, I continued to pursue her, she kept doing strange little things that made me hope, but totally she finally sent a letter telling me to move on.

 

That's exactly what you need to do. I know it's not easy, you still want to write to her but she wants you to move on. That's telling you something.

[Left in a Lurch]

That sucks. If you write her back, did she ever tell you that you were the best looking guy in the entire world? I might bring that up.

From some of the things you wrote it sounds like she didn't show that she appreciated you a lot, and you'd probably have to spend all your time proving yourself to her which gets old.

[LisaUk]

That's right! The problem lies with her, not you! She can't communicate, she doesn't want to put in the work.

 

Now, for you? What you going to do for you? You have something to offer, something a good women will apprecaite. Find happiness in the small things exit and buil up form there. You're doing great.

[MrFun]

Quick recap for new people... she dumped me 2 months ago, I continued to pursue her, she kept doing strange little things that made me hope, but totally she finally sent a letter telling me to move on.

 

Your posting is all about the fluff, the little things that men always get flamed about, "you never listen, you never look at the bigger picture". Look at the bigger picture: when a woman wants you, she'll do anything. They'll wait 10 years when you're in jail to have you and rationalise to their friends that "he's different, we have a connection".

 

"You didn't appreciate me" is probably only what she was *feeling* at the moment she wrote it, and it's not written in stone.

 

Somewhere along the line, you lost attraction and she got fed up. No matter if she can communicate or not, or if she has issues or not, all doesn't matter. If a person wants you, they'll go after you. Period.

 

Women are not dumb. Don't pursue her when she's running. It's not a game that she's playing, she really is resentful of you for chasing her and not "getting the message", for whatever reason. Make should you statement once that you want her to come back and leave it at that. To chase someone for 2 months is....creepy and needy.

 

Men are sometimes ruled by their emotions. What you should concentrate on is your mission in life. A woman that's not helping you in your mission, is a hindrance.

 

Exit, I don't know that background to your story, but I bet you're a cool dude. Time to start a new chapter

[icepop]

This sounds very much like my ex. Did we date the same woman ?...lol. I'm sure we didn't.

 

Anyway, she has given you her " We need to talk ", spiel. I think Mr. Fun has it right when he says the attraction she had for you is lost somewhere between what happened and Holy S**t. There really isn't much you can or really, should do. Face that she is history and regard it as a lesson learned.

 

Now, having said that, I strongly urge you to deal with your needs and work on strengthening yourself. There is the possibility that she will contact you again.

 

But in the meantime, I suggest you work on you. And, do not be available to her at all. Do not write a letter back to her. Anything you say at this point will sound needy and un-manlike. The exception to this would be if you say to her you were right < fill her name in this blank >, admit that perhaps you didn't do it or do it enough and then, silence. There is no point in telling her anything more than this really. She already dumped you. ( And believe me, I've been there, so I know this drill by heart).

 

However, you must prepare you. If and when she ever contacts you, do not answer immediately or respond.Now, you need space and time. And, you really need to decide if you want her back at all, when she does re-contact you. And believe me, if you say to her you're right and go silent after, she will really wonder what the hell happened to you and she sees that you're strong, the chances are better than average that she will re-contact you.

 

Right now, believe it or not, you have all the power now. Why ? She chose to exit the relationship. But now the tables are turned. It is PURELY your decision to decide if you want her back into your life.

 

And under what conditions as well.

 

You are not a yo-yo. Don't let her treat you that way.The moment she realizes you have let go, she will probably try to re-contact you. But, as I said, don't hang on this. Do what you need to do to improve you.

 

And, short of a letter back to her saying you agree with her decision, I would go with strict NC.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

" You Teach People How To Treat You ".

[Exit]

Thank you for all the responses, I read each and every one. I will go ahead and quote the ones that I have a specific response to.

 

That sucks. If you write her back, did she ever tell you that you were the best looking guy in the entire world? I might bring that up.

 

Haha, I've already been thinking this since last night. IF I ever write her back, I am certainly going to ask her, in comparison, what she feels she did for me to show her appreciation, since apparently she's so much better at it. I guess she sat here feeding me grapes and raving about how attractive I was and I just didn't notice.

 

Women are not dumb. Don't pursue her when she's running. It's not a game that she's playing, she really is resentful of you for chasing her and not "getting the message", for whatever reason. Make should you statement once that you want her to come back and leave it at that. To chase someone for 2 months is....creepy and needy.

 

I don't know that background to your story, but I bet you're a cool dude. Time to start a new chapter

 

Thank you for your input. I have to say I do get offended when I get labeled as the one who acted crazy, or that pursuing her was sad and pathetic. She played just as big of a role in dragging this out, it could have ended much sooner. I don't like that she gets to play the poor helpless victim and I just wouldn't leave her alone for two months. When I asked for my things back, I said she could even leave it outside my house and never have to see me. She drives this direction every day for work. 2.5 weeks later and I still didn't have my things. So I had to go over there and confront her. Had to wait outside by her car when she left for work because she would have just refused if I called ahead. So who looks like a stalker? Me. Who really created the situation in the first place? Her. Same thing with the fact that her and I are even still emailing each other. Over a week ago I finally got everything off my chest and sent her a final goodbye, I didn't ask her to write back, I didn't ask her to "call me when you get this", I flat out said goodbye. Then she texts me "I'll write back to you later this week". So it makes me mad when people, including her, make me out to be this psycho who couldn't let go. She did things to make me keep pursuing her. Should have been day 1: breakup, day 2: bring me my things like an adult, day 3: no contact. Oh well, neither of us handled it perfectly, but the dust has settled and it's done.

 

This sounds very much like my ex. Did we date the same woman ?...lol. I'm sure we didn't.

 

Now, having said that, I strongly urge you to deal with your needs and work on strengthening yourself. There is the possibility that she will contact you again.

 

Thank you for the long reply. I am definitely ready to let go now, and I agree that I will simply be working on me. I've already been back in the gym now that she left me and isn't tieing up all my free time.

 

And I understand completely what you said, IF she ever comes back, I cannot make it easy or welcome her back with open arms.

 

 

Thanks again everyone. I may not have handled this the way most people advised me to do it. I know I'm the kind of person who has to do things my way and learn my lessons the hard way. What's done is done. I do not regret that I tried to get her back instead of pretending that I didn't care. NC is like holding a cigarette in your lips 24/7 while trying to resist smoking.

 

I am ready to accept that new beginnings are often disguised as ugly endings.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude you wrote that she left her boyfriend of 4 years to be with you??? WTF and he treated her good and now she's leaving you for someone else I presume?

 

Dude it isnt you, it's her! it's in her nature! She would have found any excuse to leave!

[Exit]

Yes that's correct about her leaving someone to be with me.

 

As foolish as I may be, at this point, I do not think she left me for someone else. When she broke up with that last guy for me, she did have the backbone to sit down and tell him. So I think she would have the courage to tell me too, unless I frighten her that much more.

 

But I do regret the way our relationship started. Her old BF basically brought it upon himself, every time I would ask to hang out with him and ONLY him, he would bring his GF tagging along, so that's how we met. And eventually I started to talk to her online, she was flirting with me heavy, and then we hung out once. She asked to kiss me and I told her no, not until she decided what she was doing. So she dumped him and ended up with me.

 

I do wish at that point I had said "take a few weeks to yourself before we get into anything serious", but from that point on, our relationship took off at full speed.

 

But yeah, this isn't the first time she's dropped someone in the blink of an eye.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Bros before hoes!!! WTF was you thinking man? couldnt you have told him what was going on outta respect for him. So not only did you betray him, you betrayed him with a slut of a woman and she in turn betrayed you, why are you so surprised.

 

Why did you think you could trust her given what she did?

 

You ever hear about the story of the scorpion and the fox?

[Exit]

Yeah I know, there is nothing pretty about the way our relationship started. Looking back I wish it had been handled differently. I don't think it would have been my responsibility to tell my friend that his GF was hitting on me, but I definitely should have put more responsibility on her and not gotten so close to her until she handled the situation like an adult. She did eventually tell him everything face-to-face, but it still happened too fast. She was probably bored with him for a long time and just didn't want to leave until she found something better.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yeah I know, there is nothing pretty about the way our relationship started. Looking back I wish it had been handled differently. I don't think it would have been my responsibility to tell my friend that his GF was hitting on me, but I definitely should have put more responsibility on her and not gotten so close to her until she handled the situation like an adult. She did eventually tell him everything face-to-face, but it still happened too fast. She was probably bored with him for a long time and just didn't want to leave until she found something better.

 

As a friend you should have told. Friendship and loyalty, mayn. How could you look yourself in the mirror and remember what you did. You had a hand in the end of his relationship by being a willing accomplice.

 

have you apologized to him?

 

You say she left because she found something better I disagree. because now she's leaving you in the dust so what does that say? Dont blame boredom for her leaving.

[sad_dude]

Exit,

 

I was off to bed and glaced at the post after posting on my own thread and damn it I felt I had to reply to you tonight.

 

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I would like to tell you what I would do in this situation.

 

she will expect 1 of 2 things

 

1) you don't contact her

 

2) you have it out with her and defend yourself

 

point 1, you dont contact her it will eat you up inside, make you angry, sad emotional

 

point 2, it is human nature when criticised to defend ones self

 

now, if it was me ... I would note both of these things as things that she would expect you to do.

 

I would do neither!

 

I would write her a letter, tell her you had the greatest time with her, she meant the world to you but you accept her decision and respect her for it. If you feel as though you can forgive her, tell her you have. Don't defend yourself or have an arguement with her. this will only justify to her why you broke up in the first place.

 

None of what i am saying will get her back, but imgaine how you will feel knowing you were in the right, you did the right thing in not fighting back. Now a lot of ppl will say hell you are letting her off lightly, she might think the same, but after a few days she will think why didn't he have a go at me? tell me off. being the bigger person is soo hard and tough to do... you could come out of this a better person.

 

PS i would refrain from using anything like miss you, love you, be nice and polite as if you were speaking to an old friend after a year or 2

 

show her you are better than what she thinks, and prove to her she made the worst mistake of her life letting you go!

 

keep your chin up, fight hard and think like a winner my friend

[sad_dude]

PS - as much as ppl think they are logical... we are ruled by emotions so you are spot on never try and give her logic to be with you ... emotionally she doesn't want to. Emotionally be stronger and better than her and you will win in the long run at life!

[Exit]

Thanks sad_dude, I agree 100%. This entire time I have held myself back from ever getting mad and bitter at her. And it probably drives her crazy that I won't just get mad at her. You're right, I'm done defending myself and arguing with her. If I do write back to her, it will just be positive. And I'm definitely sticking to the strategy of proving that I am a good person, and having her regret this decision in the end.

 

Chrome, what can I say, I did have feelings for her. Running back to her boyfriend and telling him what was going on wasn't going to make the situation any prettier. Maybe it would have been the right thing to do, but it's too late now. All the while that I was talking with her, she assured me she was going to come clean to her BF and not do anything behind his back, and she did tell him the truth before I ever started dating her. There was no easy way to navigate the situation, I was either going to lose a friend, or lose her, or both. I just went with the flow, she was responsible enough to tell him the truth, and it was done.

 

Sometimes I think about writing to him now, saying "hey she did the same thing to me, I got what I deserved" but I'm not sure there would be any point to that. I don't expect him to be my friend again and I'm not really looking for that anyway. And if I tell him we broke up, maybe they'd start pursuing each other again.

 

Maybe he is happy now and I don't want to bother reminding him what happened.