Heartford Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I don't know where to put this post, so please redirect me if I'm wrong. I tend lately to date men who are actually "not in my league." Not intentionally of course, because I see no lines between education, income, SES and all that, when it comes to being a wonderful, loving person. Who cares! But I tend to date men who care for me so much at first, and then suddenly I have to go out of my way to gather their attention for me at some point. Suddenly it's a battle between their work or something else that comes between us. What is this? I have enough insight to realize when they finally pay attention to me I feel somehow validated, like I've won something almost... but I also have enough insight to know there's something wrong with me for feeling this way, because there's something wrong with how they're treating me. I feel sick of myself. Are there other women or men out there who've experienced this, felt good when someone unworthy has somehow validated you?
mammax3 Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 This is something I've been working on in myself recently too, Heartford. I found I have a number of male friends who can fill me up so i'm confident and proud and feeling sexy and smart. I think this is wrong, to get this validation from someone else. Not only does it give them unlimited power over your self-worth and self esteem it also allows leaves you out of touch with your own strengths and power. Recognizing your own positive character traits may help start the process in moving away from relying on others opinions to feel validated. How to avoid wanting anothers attention? I don't know yet. I'm only just starting too! I'm interested in others opinions too
Author Heartford Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Thank you mammax3, I really appreciate your response. It's just weird to me, because I know my strengths, and often have no problem getting out of relationships where I see red flags. But suddenly, I find myself within one that is toxic. How do I not see the flags sometimes, when other times I see them so clearly?
Taramere Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Thank you mammax3, I really appreciate your response. It's just weird to me, because I know my strengths, and often have no problem getting out of relationships where I see red flags. But suddenly, I find myself within one that is toxic. How do I not see the flags sometimes, when other times I see them so clearly? In what sense is this new guy toxic or a sicko? What I'm getting from your post is that at the start of the relationship he was paying you a lot of attention, but as time wore on, you found yourself competing with other factors of their life that also require his attention. You've given the example of work here. Also, when you describe men who are "not in your league" do you mean that you think they're higher up the food chain than you, or lower? You've indicated that you don't embark on the relationships with a belief that they're "not in your league". Does this belief of the two of you not having a league in common generally set in consciously round about the time you don't feel you're getting enough attention from them?
Author Heartford Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Wow you ask amazing questions! Thank you taramere! Yes, he works a lot, his day time job, and his side job at night, which is much on his schedule. By not in my league, I've heard my friends say that, that he is not as educated, not into the same cultural things, and stuff like that. I don't care because he introduces me to his world which is full of off-roading, gun-shooting and camping. But they say it's a bad sign he won't investigate my interests while I readily explore his. No, I've not thought about our common interests much at all, until lately, but I've noticed my desire for attention much earlier.
MattyTee Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 They are good questions Taramere! I honestly think that the league thing doesn't really mean anything if you are in a happy relationship that is balanced and fulfilling. Your friend's opinions are just that but perhaps you can look at what they are saying and see if any of it rings true with you - it might be that they are saying he's below your league because they feel you aren't happy? It is natural I think to have desire for attention from your SO but at the same time if you are looking for validation of who you are through this attention then there might be something else going on. If the thing that is attracting you to these people is that they are lavishing attention on you then if that ever changes (and in long-term relationships it often does, hopefully not forever) you are suddenly going to be wondering what's going on. I think quite a few people good when someone else validates them so don't feel alone there, but I do think that you should work on validating yourself and I think then you will begin attracting people into your life who are lavishing the right kind of attention on you for the right reasons. Just my two cents.
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