Author Thomas X Forever Posted July 1, 2009 Author Posted July 1, 2009 Damn, Exit, sounds like you and me have a lot in common. We shall stick together, brother. These girls gave up some good guys, and that's very real. Go to my website (you can find it if you click on my name here and go to Contact). Then at my website, click on the "Contact" tab in the top right of my website. It has my myspace and my email. Add me/contact me on that. I'd out right post both, but you will get banned from this site if you do that.
EmperorR Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 I did just pushed her further away. I did it all text messages, phone calls, sent flowers, showing up at her school, showing up at her front door, i was pathetic.
Phateless Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Why didn't you still push further? Why did you take no for an answer? Someone much higher up on the psychology chain told me to fight for the person you want to be with, and never give up. Period There is also plenty of psychological proof that there can be more than one "the one." I fought for my ex for a month, tried playing games, tried everything. All she did was run me around and take advantage of my generosity. Now I realize that her breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to me.
adamt Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 Not sure if it is related to my age(38) - ex was 36. but I just cant be arsed with chasing and chasing someone who doesnt want to be with me. probably comes with expereince. I believe she was pretty straight with me when breaking up, i said i thought she was making a mistake and we could work things out despite external problems that may have helped cause our split. but she had the look in her eye told me she was gone. so i said that i will let you go and if we are to be together then it will work itself out. i think the older and maturer you get the more straight you are with people and play less games.(life is too short and you know what you want, especially in your 30s) Looking back to when i was 17-21 i would have probably persued things more. Doesnt mean i loved her any less just that i know i cant persuade her to change her mind. Think of those soccer players who constantly moan at the referee over decisions. the referee has made his decision and it never changes. the players look immature. If you watch rugby, very physical game and no players argue with the ref. they gain more respect from people.
Phateless Posted July 1, 2009 Posted July 1, 2009 After a certain point you are beating a dead horse and wasting your time. Wasting time that could be spent meeting someone better.
moo Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Believe me, I fought. I fought and I fought for this relationship. But it's hard to keep fighting, when you ex treats you like you have some kind of contagious disease after he dumps you. But you know what...my ex boyfriend really acts like a little boy and is incapable of being in a healthy relationship. His last relationship was a roller coaster ride. I never had a roller coaster ride for a relationship until I met him. Anyway, After several weeks of being treated like dirt, I turned to the NC way. I actually learned about NC on this website, and I am sooo glad I did. Or else, I think I would still be trying...banging my head against the wall is more like it. To be honest, he simply is not good enough for me. Every time I broke NC, all I ever did was hurt myself. So, these days, I'm doing the NC thing. I'm not saying NC is good for all break ups. Some relationships may be worth trying to save. This realtionship belonged in the toilet. I'd rather date the Tidy Bowl man than go back to my ex, unless he gets a personality transplant and some SERIOUS therapy.
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I'm not saying NC is good for all break ups. Some relationships may be worth trying to save. You're implying that saving relationships can be done without NC. We're talking about situations where someone dumps you. When that happens, in almost every single instance, the best way to proceed even if you want to "save" the relationship is NC.
adamt Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Emotions are running high after a break up. You can't think straight and more than likely you will say things you later regret. NC is the only way to go to get over them or increase the small chance you may get back together when the dust settles. Plus NC helps to keep your self respect and stops you making a fool of yourself
Lyssa Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Emotions are running high after a break up. You can't think straight and more than likely you will say things you later regret. NC is the only way to go to get over them or increase the small chance you may get back together when the dust settles. Plus NC helps to keep your self respect and stops you making a fool of yourself I couldn't agree more, Adamt! Nicely said.
Woggle Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 If I have to fight for her love it was never there in the first place. I will never beg a woman to love me.
adamt Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 The only time i have fought to keep the ex is the day she wants to split up. I ask what the reasons are, I see if they can be fixed. I say how i really feel about them. ask to give things a go. then once they walk out that door then I dont contact them again. You are not going to be able to get them to change their mind. They have probably been wanting to dump you for a while. You are then an emotional mess and not in the right condition to reason with your ex. you then have to focus on yourself and nto speak to your ex no matter what until you have your emotions under full control and have a better idea of why it went wrong
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 The only time i have fought to keep the ex is the day she wants to split up. I ask what the reasons are, I see if they can be fixed. I say how i really feel about them. ask to give things a go. then once they walk out that door then I dont contact them again. You are not going to be able to get them to change their mind. They have probably been wanting to dump you for a while. You are then an emotional mess and not in the right condition to reason with your ex. you then have to focus on yourself and nto speak to your ex no matter what until you have your emotions under full control and have a better idea of why it went wrong Consider this, though: My ex (recap: we dated for 2 months; we were both open in saying we were dating other people; but I fell for her) told me it was over. I didn't ask her why and gracefully accepted the situation and said goodbye. Weeks later I discovered that the reason it was over was that she'd been dating two of us at the same time and simply decided to go with the other guy. One of us had to go at some point, obviously. Imagine if I'd tried to "fight" for her given those circumstances, that day. Imagine if I'd even tried to ask her for a reason. Would she have told me the truth? Maybe, but I don't think so. Obviously the situation is much different given we were only dating, and only for a couple of months. But still. Think about the likely futility of making a fool of yourself once someone has dumped you. I avoided that completely by walking away with no questions asked.
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 If I have to fight for her love it was never there in the first place. I will never beg a woman to love me. If you beg a woman to love you and she actually agrees to do so, she doesn't actually love you. I did this once, by the way, so I speak from real experience. She dumped me, but I begged her not to and asked for another chance blah blah blah. I think I kept her up until 4 am that night. Lol! Poor thing. She "agreed" to give me another chance, as a result of this campaign of mine. All that did was prolong the misery of the situation.
Exit Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I get the vibe from so many of the dumpees around here that just because you're the victim of the breakup, it means you're completely blameless. You didn't do anything wrong, you should never be the one to go pursuing them, if they loved you they wouldn't be leaving, etc etc etc. 99% of the attitude around here is "go NC and make them regret it". I guess I'm the only one who sat back after the breakup and realized all the things that I really did do wrong. And with those things in mind, how could I just sit here and think "her loss, she'll be back". I had some things that I needed to apologize for. No amount of NC was going to get me anywhere. If you really truly did NOTHING wrong -- then no, don't pursue them. But if you did do things wrong, it's silly to think you'll kick back and wait for them to come crawling back to you. It's like a "let thou who has not sinned cast the first stone" kinda thing. Just because they're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't necessarily mean you should go NC and wait for them to realize their mistake. Maybe you should realize your mistakes first! I shudder to think how many relationships have gone down the drain because both people sit at home thinking "they should be the one to call me first". Sometimes you bite the bullet and be the one to make contact. Unless of course, again, you truly didn't do a single thing wrong, and you know you're the greatest catch on the planet, then don't bother, surely you'll attract someone fabulous within a matter of days. For mere mortals like myself, when I realize I F'd up, I didn't sit here waiting for her to call me.
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I get the vibe from so many of the dumpees around here that just because you're the victim of the breakup, it means you're completely blameless. You didn't do anything wrong, you should never be the one to go pursuing them, if they loved you they wouldn't be leaving, etc etc etc. 99% of the attitude around here is "go NC and make them regret it". I guess I'm the only one who sat back after the breakup and realized all the things that I really did do wrong. And with those things in mind, how could I just sit here and think "her loss, she'll be back". I had some things that I needed to apologize for. No amount of NC was going to get me anywhere. If you really truly did NOTHING wrong -- then no, don't pursue them. But if you did do things wrong, it's silly to think you'll kick back and wait for them to come crawling back to you. It's like a "let thou who has not sinned cast the first stone" kinda thing. Just because they're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't necessarily mean you should go NC and wait for them to realize their mistake. Maybe you should realize your mistakes first! I shudder to think how many relationships have gone down the drain because both people sit at home thinking "they should be the one to call me first". Sometimes you bite the bullet and be the one to make contact. Unless of course, again, you truly didn't do a single thing wrong, and you know you're the greatest catch on the planet, then don't bother, surely you'll attract someone fabulous within a matter of days. For mere mortals like myself, when I realize I F'd up, I didn't sit here waiting for her to call me. Let's look at the big picture here. We're talking about a person who is in a relationship with you, is bothered by some aspect of the relationship to a very serious degree, has probably said or done something about it before to try and "fix" the problem, and has ultimately decided that it can't be fixed and the only thing left to do is end the relationship. That person goes through their own cycle of emotions and eventual acceptance that things are not going to work out. They privately grieve. And then one day, they muster up the courage, and tell you: "It's over." When you consider the full context of what happens leading up to a break-up, it is bordering on silly to try and campaign for her to somehow magically change her mind. It also diminishes the level of respect she has for you, which is not going to help matters down the road. Throwing words at a person, through emails, letters, phone calls and texts, is not a highly effective way of changing their mind in such a situation. Words are just words. They're meaningless. Your actions are what generates feelings in another person about you and about the relationship. Not words. Yet throwing lots of words around is exactly what you propose doing. The alternative to throwing words around is to simply respect and grant their wish. This increases their level of respect for you (or at least prevents them from losing any further respect for you). It shows you to be a strong, dignified and confident person who has respect for himself. And it forces her to suddenly confront life as it is according to what she herself told you: without you in it. Maybe your absence will make her realize that you weren't so bad after all. But you'll never give her that chance, because with your word campaign you will never absent until she is completely and totally fed up with you.
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Let's look at the big picture here. We're talking about a person who is in a relationship with you, is bothered by some aspect of the relationship to a very serious degree, has probably said or done something about it before to try and "fix" the problem, and has ultimately decided that it can't be fixed and the only thing left to do is end the relationship. That person goes through their own cycle of emotions and eventual acceptance that things are not going to work out. They privately grieve. And then one day, they muster up the courage, and tell you: "It's over." When you consider the full context of what happens leading up to a break-up, it is bordering on silly to try and campaign for her to somehow magically change her mind. It also diminishes the level of respect she has for you, which is not going to help matters down the road. Throwing words at a person, through emails, letters, phone calls and texts, is not a highly effective way of changing their mind in such a situation. Words are just words. They're meaningless. Your actions are what generates feelings in another person about you and about the relationship. Not words. Yet throwing lots of words around is exactly what you propose doing. The alternative to throwing words around is to simply respect and grant their wish. This increases their level of respect for you (or at least prevents them from losing any further respect for you). It shows you to be a strong, dignified and confident person who has respect for himself. And it forces her to suddenly confront life as it is according to what she herself told you: without you in it. Maybe your absence will make her realize that you weren't so bad after all. But you'll never give her that chance, because with your word campaign you will never absent until she is completely and totally fed up with you. Hmm - I totally agree - but I have to say you have proposed something a little different to me on my thread. You realize that before my break up two weeks ago, my ex actually asked for a one month break. Does your advice still stand for me? Or does this post above now stand for me too? Again, look at it being him please and let me know. I'm not sure if I should just remain quiet now. . .
asuman Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Hmm - I totally agree - but I have to say you have proposed something a little different to me on my thread. You realize that before my break up two weeks ago, my ex actually asked for a one month break. Does your advice still stand for me? Or does this post above now stand for me too? Again, look at it being him please and let me know. I'm not sure if I should just remain quiet now. . . Your situation is completely different because your ex is fed up with your not loving him enough or opening up enough to him. That's not the typical situation we find here on LS. So yes, my thoughts on your issue are the opposite of what they are for other people's situations, including my own. (I am on LS because my heart was broken, and my way of dealing with it has been NC).
Girlygirl1977 Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Your situation is completely different because your ex is fed up with your not loving him enough or opening up enough to him. That's not the typical situation we find here on LS. So yes, my thoughts on your issue are the opposite of what they are for other people's situations, including my own. (I am on LS because my heart was broken, and my way of dealing with it has been NC). Ok yes it is a bit different. I had lunch with a friend we both used to work with who is more my friend. He knows story and feels I was more accomodating when he told me his issues before the break. What I don't like is my ex went really negative and now sees me as being self-centered. I worry he has anger towards me and didn't give me the chance to reform - he just got negative in his head about me. He's even forgotten old days of our dating the first time and the good times it seems. I'm not sure what the psychology is when someone goes negative on you (in this case I believe it is only somewhat factual). This is a reason I will wait to reach out - perhaps that helps dissipate the anger? Ok - I agree that the original basis was that he felt unloved/or unappreciated. I guess I'm just trying to find an excuse not to reach out. The dynamic was never that way I guess and I have to adapt.
gypsi Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 people like me and exit made mistakes in our relationships thats why they ended, i know i ****ed up big time, she had a valid reason to leave me i fought for months to get her back to the point where she said im to much drama for her! Once you lose someone who was amazing in every way possible due to you making all the mistakes in the relationship u get this uncontrolable urge to win them back. I had to fight and lose all my dignity but she was worth it. I had my flaws when i drank, but when i was sober i was amazing to her. I gave up drinking i went to therpay i didnt just throw words around i actually went out and improved myself. She doesent care, she's made her mind up. I would never fight for someone who walked out on me when i did nothing wrong then its their loss. I still want to win her back, but i cant keep on hounding her she will eventually think im a looney!
Battlewax Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 Let's look at the big picture here. We're talking about a person who is in a relationship with you, is bothered by some aspect of the relationship to a very serious degree, has probably said or done something about it before to try and "fix" the problem, and has ultimately decided that it can't be fixed and the only thing left to do is end the relationship. That person goes through their own cycle of emotions and eventual acceptance that things are not going to work out. They privately grieve. And then one day, they muster up the courage, and tell you: "It's over." When you consider the full context of what happens leading up to a break-up, it is bordering on silly to try and campaign for her to somehow magically change her mind. It also diminishes the level of respect she has for you, which is not going to help matters down the road. Throwing words at a person, through emails, letters, phone calls and texts, is not a highly effective way of changing their mind in such a situation. Words are just words. They're meaningless. Your actions are what generates feelings in another person about you and about the relationship. Not words. Yet throwing lots of words around is exactly what you propose doing. The alternative to throwing words around is to simply respect and grant their wish. This increases their level of respect for you (or at least prevents them from losing any further respect for you). It shows you to be a strong, dignified and confident person who has respect for himself. And it forces her to suddenly confront life as it is according to what she herself told you: without you in it. Maybe your absence will make her realize that you weren't so bad after all. But you'll never give her that chance, because with your word campaign you will never absent until she is completely and totally fed up with you. Interesting. My ex is actually up for talking and seeing me. Makes me feel weird. It's a really akward vibe when we do stuff that like. So I cut it off, basically just didn't text or email. There was LC for a couple of weeks but I've gone back to NC because I didn't think I could handle it. I refuse to be "that guy" who constantly begs and pleads.
ON MY OWN Posted July 3, 2009 Posted July 3, 2009 I agree with a number of peoples posts to this thread. I have also been raised to be truthful which makes things harder. Everything you worked so hard to build seems to become "fake" if you will. That is the hard part I think. I also agree that if you ask and they agree, they have a reason for the breakup and it just resurfaces again making it harder on the dumpee. I have been on both sides of the fence and being the dumpee is always going to be harder due to the fact you either didnt have a problem with the way things were going or were able and WILLING to work at it. To answer this is I would not ask for someone back knowing what I know now. If you had to ask, do you really honestly think things would just disappear when its obvious the person was willing to give up in the first place?
fani Posted July 4, 2009 Posted July 4, 2009 I'm fighting. I am so fighting. We only broke up yesterday, but i stayed at his last night because i live far away. before i got on the triain he told me to tell him when i get home so he knows im ok. and when i went out tonight, he asked me to call him when im home, same reason. He also says, when i asked why he is sbeing so nice, when I know if he can't be bothered with someone, he will happily cut them out of his life. he said "because you are special". It's allprobably giving me false hope, but ther is still some hope there. And so I am going to fight. When ringing him when i was home from the evening out. I told him that I am going to fight. That I am not going to give up. I said that I am not going to come up to his every day, and do stupid things to win him back. BUt I am going to be here, ready for when he realises, changes his mind. I said i don't want an apology, just a hug. I may sound stupid and like a ucking idiot. But this is the only way I can get through this.
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 well the thing is this it does take two to tango. it would be fruitless to constantly badger ur ex to want them back if theyre not listening to ur words. i think NC can varying depending on situations. NC for me if u really want ur ex back is to give a lil space take a break a month or so without any contact whatsoever then try again. check her response and act accordingly for instance friday i took my ex to the park and we had a picnic then went to the movies it was a wonderful day and she called later that night and said she had a great time with me and i said i did too and i hope we can do it again and she said sure. During the date we agreed that we needed some space from each other(we were practically living together for 3 yrs). I need space to find myself again and be independent;knowing self. She needs space i think to figure out what she wants. Yeah she is seeing someone i dont know how far they are goin(****in? maybe dating? maybe) but she said she likes him more than a friend. She has been keepin in contact with him for yrs and i guess she wants to see whassup i dont know but i cant worry about that. I told her of my intentions and she knows how i feel about her and das it. i am not goin to force her to love but yeah i am goin to fight but subtle is better i think than hounding someone esp. if they dont feel the same way it is ludicrous to believe otherwise.
asuman Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 well the thing is this it does take two to tango. it would be fruitless to constantly badger ur ex to want them back if theyre not listening to ur words. i think NC can varying depending on situations. NC for me if u really want ur ex back is to give a lil space take a break a month or so without any contact whatsoever then try again. check her response and act accordingly for instance friday i took my ex to the park and we had a picnic then went to the movies it was a wonderful day and she called later that night and said she had a great time with me and i said i did too and i hope we can do it again and she said sure. During the date we agreed that we needed some space from each other(we were practically living together for 3 yrs). I need space to find myself again and be independent;knowing self. She needs space i think to figure out what she wants. Yeah she is seeing someone i dont know how far they are goin(****in? maybe dating? maybe) but she said she likes him more than a friend. She has been keepin in contact with him for yrs and i guess she wants to see whassup i dont know but i cant worry about that. I told her of my intentions and she knows how i feel about her and das it. i am not goin to force her to love but yeah i am goin to fight but subtle is better i think than hounding someone esp. if they dont feel the same way it is ludicrous to believe otherwise. Sounds to me like she's gotten you to try and compete for her. Must be nice for her. Must suck for you. Do you like playing second fiddle to another guy? My rule has always been pretty consistent throughout my dating life: if I'm not your main priority, I'm not interested. Period. I think I'm a pretty interesting guy with a lot to offer a woman. I'm a good friend to those people I consider my friends. I can understand the appeal of having me not only as a supportive friend but also as an ego-stoker who's told her in the past that I'm attracted to her. But I'm not interested in that arrangement. I have enough "friends" in my life, thank you.
Beeotch Posted July 5, 2009 Posted July 5, 2009 I get the vibe from so many of the dumpees around here that just because you're the victim of the breakup, it means you're completely blameless. You didn't do anything wrong, you should never be the one to go pursuing them, if they loved you they wouldn't be leaving, etc etc etc. 99% of the attitude around here is "go NC and make them regret it". I guess I'm the only one who sat back after the breakup and realized all the things that I really did do wrong. And with those things in mind, how could I just sit here and think "her loss, she'll be back". I had some things that I needed to apologize for. No amount of NC was going to get me anywhere. If you really truly did NOTHING wrong -- then no, don't pursue them. But if you did do things wrong, it's silly to think you'll kick back and wait for them to come crawling back to you. It's like a "let thou who has not sinned cast the first stone" kinda thing. Just because they're the one who initiated the breakup doesn't necessarily mean you should go NC and wait for them to realize their mistake. Maybe you should realize your mistakes first! I shudder to think how many relationships have gone down the drain because both people sit at home thinking "they should be the one to call me first". Sometimes you bite the bullet and be the one to make contact. Unless of course, again, you truly didn't do a single thing wrong, and you know you're the greatest catch on the planet, then don't bother, surely you'll attract someone fabulous within a matter of days. For mere mortals like myself, when I realize I F'd up, I didn't sit here waiting for her to call me. No one is perfect... a relationship is a union between two imperfect people and not all imperfections led to the break up. Specific things lead to a breakup and they may have had nothing to do with things you did wrong.... My ex broke up with me out of the blue...even said I shouldn't beat myself up because I didn't do anything wrong....I am now finding out he has attachment issues and all this so in truth that is what lead to the breakup. However, I did apologize to him for mishandling the break up and I do introspect and realize where my actions might not have helped. This is different from thinking I am responsible...I am not...but I certainly didn't help and not being fully knowledgeable I did things that exacerbated a condition. I agree both parties can always apologize and both have done things wrong....but just blindly apologizing and all this doesn't do anything. Every wrong thing you did did not end the relationship.Depending on the particulars you can decide whether to pursue this person or not but the premise that no one is perfect is not a good one...as that is obvious and a given. Some people do more wrong things or do more things leading to a break up than others...sometimes it is obvious who is at fault and other times like in my case and many others, no one did a particular thing wrong...it just was not meant to be, they have outside issues, they just are not feeling the same way anymore etc.Some of these are things apologizing or pursuing them won't fix.
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